17 Already

Peter turned 17 this week. This amazes me.........I can't believe that I have a seventeen year old. I look back to the day he was born and remember looking at him thinking his whole life was ahead of him.......he can be anything. Now at 17 I look at him trying to decide what he wants to do with his life. He is looking at taking a class that would allow him to graduate early. Thoughts of military, fire academy, a trade in auto mechanics............While he has his whole life still ahead of him, he is also facing adulthood...... leaving behind the easy careless days. Me suffering the idea of facing an empty nest? No........ just worrying about letting a fledgling fly...... adulthood is the real test of failure or success. This is where life really tests our strength and weaknesses and I can't help worrying............we only want the best for our children and I guess we can only hope we have taught them right.

Why Do We Wait?

I have a friend, who's marriage has been in turmoil for quite a while now. 6 to 7 months ago I would of told her to dump the husband and make herself happy. Today it would be different. Why you may ask..... because I have learned something, or at least gotten a better understanding of something. That, being forgiveness.
Why is it that when a person we love passes, we can forgive them for everything? I started to think back to the people I have lost in my life, some acquaintances, some friends, and a personal hero. When they passed on, the petty arguments and fights passed with them. They were forgotten. Things like harsh words, lies, indiscretions, deception and aggravating traits no longer mattered. The pettiness was gone and the only thing I could remember were the fond memories, and the things that were good. I would guess then, that once these unpleasantries are stripped away, it is our true feelings that are felt.
If this is the case................maybe we need to learn forgiveness before death. If we can forgive those that have gone on, then why can't we learn to forgive the living? It seems we need to learn to dig beneath the years of dirt and look at what we had in the beginning. Sometimes we slip, and sometimes we falter.......... wouldn't it be nice to know that those mistakes could be worked through and then maybe we could learn from both the mistake and the kindness of being forgiven.

No Life.

This week I was asked to work over time and if I would mind putting in more in the next few weeks. My response was sure....I have no life, and as those words flowed from my lips I had flashbacks of the last few weeks and realized just how true that statement is. My life consists of nothing more than 2 jobs and picking up after a teenager. I used to have a life, but with my closest and dearest friend having passed through the pearly gates I realize I have nothing to do. He occupied so much of my time........hockey games, books and coffee at Barnes and Nobles, movies, sunsets on the beach, dinner out, concerts in the park, and home projects, not to mention just sitting on the couch watching TV and have conversations. Christmas vacation made me see just how much my life has changed. Normally it would have been filled with activities, but this year, that vacation time was nothing more than a week of sitting my ass on the couch and staring at the TV. No motivation. So the question is, "What to do?" Part of me says to move on.........meet new people.........call old friends from the past. Part of me is afraid to, afraid to let go of what was. Afraid that if I let go, I will forget........Sometimes I think I am starting to get my act together and then I have long moments of deep sadness...mostly when evening sets in and my brain no longer has to work a million issues at one time. So the inner conflict continues......... I know at some point I have to step out of my surroundings into the bigger picture.........but it sure looks scary from where I am.

Quick Thought

Today I reupholstered my antique rocker. A task I have wanted to start for some time but hesitated because I had never done more than seat covers. Well now that it is done, I am happy with the outcome. Two minor flaws, but nothing that detract from the rocker and flaws that, should I do this again, I have learned from. And isn't that what life itself is all about, finding something you haven't done and giving it a try, learning from the mistakes and feeling good at things we have a ccomplished? If we always live in our comfort zone, then we won't ever experience new things, regardless of the size of what we take on......

Game Instructions

Ok, I went to a Christmas Party last night and everyone had to bring a silly or cutesy gift. I am sure many of you have played this, where numbers are drawn and the first person chooses and opens a gift and shows it to everyone. Person # 2 has the choice of taking person #1 gift or opening a new one. If your gift gets taken you then have the choice of taking someone elses or choosing a new one, etc, etc , etc. Well I managed to snag a shot glass checkers set. When I got home my son wanted to play a game with me. We played, but with just beer. Now some of you may think me a horrible parent playing a drinking game with my almost 17 year old son, but I find allowing him to have alcohol when he is around me, has taken the mystery away and he doesn't find the need to go and and get drunk with a crowd of friends. But the point of this story is about the game instructions. It is simple, it is a regular game of checkers, but when you jump your opponent you drink the glasses of liquor and whn you are kinged you drink the shot as well. What my son and I laughed about was where it said on the box - 2 players, age 8 thru adult.

And the game was equivillent to a beer a piece.......can you imagine playing with hard liquor?

Quiet vs Quiet

As the temperatures dropped last night I was contemplating the winters when I lived up North. Suddenly there was a boom and the house went dark. I got up and looked outside and saw the other houses were just as black. I proceeded to light the candles that were on the buffet table and the others that sat around the room. In my house there is an ample supply of decorative candles. Peter came out of his room with a book and sat near the buffet so he could read by candle light. I called the electric company and collected the ferrets and put them in their cage, as the living room was staying warm due to all the candles, while the temp in the rest of the house was slowly falling. I proceeded to "pick up" around the house to keep myself busy. I started to notice the quiet that was in the house. I sat down on the couch and listened. The antique clock was ticking away in its usual rhythm, and I noticed how loud it seemed. I listened further and could hear the wind outside the house. I even heard the one of the cats across the room as it let out a content sigh. This, was quiet. This, was peaceful. About that time the electric came on and the silence was replaced with the whirring of the computers, the hum of the fridge, and the whoosh as the heat came on. Funny how I once considered this quiet.................

Animal Tales

Snickers.
Snickers is one of my four cats. A strange little fellow he is. He is 5 and a half months old and the most affectionate cat I have ever met, especially for a kitten. A frisky, playful, run around kitten who will stop in his tracks to cuddle up in your lap or on your chest. And he doesn't just snuggle, he buries himself into you and then contently purrs. But he is a strange one. He loves to go for car rides. I came home from work the other day and as I opened the door to my truck he hops in and sits in the seat next to me. He glances over as if to say "Well??" Needless to say, I could not say no, and I closed my door, started up the truck and took him for a ride around the neighborhood. He had a ball. He jumped up and layed in the middle of the dash and watched as things went by. Then he would hop down and run froma back window to back window. He just couldn't get enough of the passing scenery. When I pulled back into the driveway he looked at me, meowed and hopped out as I opened the door.

Teeki
She is one of my ferrets. She was very attatched to Pete. She would play and play and play and when it was time to crash, as ferrets do when they tucker out from all their playing, she would seek out Pete and lay her head on his foot. He would pick her up and lay her in his arms and pet her non stop. She would lay their for hours until Pete would finally put her in one of the hammocks in her cage. Well anyway, today I was looking for a sweat jacket to take to work with me and pulled one of Petes from the hanging luggage cover. I layed it on the floor next to my purse and Teeki smelled it and I think she about lost her fuzzy little head. She kept sniffing the jacket and then ran into each room looking and searching. She would stop and turn her head in every direction then dart to another corner of the room and stop and again look. She did this to every room and when she didn't find Pete she came back to the jacket and buried herself in it. To say I felt bad for her, would be an understatement.

Full Audience

I went to Walmart (Super) to do my usual weekend shopping. I was puttzing through the store looking at electronics, clothes, kitty toys and made it through most of the food and was thinking how pleasant everyone was being to each other. And mind you, it is not always an easy task at this Walmart. I always make sure I am in the right frame of mind before I ever venture there on a Saturday or a Sunday. It is packed to the hilt and if I feel even the slightest of the grumps in my mood I dont go. Its busy to the point that if you look for a close parking spot, it will take at least 10 to 15 minutes. You might as well park out in the BFE parking lot and walk in. It takes less time, and be sure to pick up a cart on the way in. There always those people who will leave their cart in the middle of the aisle so no one can get by or the have it diagonal accross the way while they look at the shelves. There are also the speed shoppers that think they are driving a car on the highway and zig zag in and out of everyone and will cut you off so that they can get into the cross aisle first. Of course to top it off, all the holiday shoppers are there as well. So any way............. I am in the frozen aisle and rounding the corner to produce and the deli when this unbelievable high pitched yelling breaks out. As I glance over in the direction of the ranting I am suprised to find it all coming out of this well dressed, well manicured, proffesional looking woman. She was cursing enough to make a sailor blush. Mothers were grabbing their children and abandoning the area. I picked out my head of lettuce and then I heard a thud. I looked back over at the raving lunatic and she was trying to grab the poor girl on the other side of the deli counter. I was debating on weither or not to get my sandwich meats today.......this woman was pretty wild. About that time she turned to the father next to her and began to yell at him to "bring it on." He started to back up and as the crowed gathered the store security was arriving on scene. A female security guard stepped in between her and the gentleman.........the woman just kept it up. I picked my other produce and slowly made my way over to the "number" giver and pulled my tab out. # 60.........hoped this wouldn't take too long. 10 minutes and the yeller wasn't slowing down..... She was going on about how all the employees in the deli were rude and slow. She was # 52 and they passed her up and helped the other customers. And how dare the girl tell her that they had called her # out and no one answered. And how dare she tell her that she will help her as soon as she was done with the gentleman she was helping. She should have stopped and helped her immediately.......blah blah blah blah blah.........she only shops there because her husband tells her she has to, and she spends hundreds of dollars there every week....blah blah blah.......man she wouldn't stop. I kept thinking how rediculous she was sounding and the only person being rude was her. Her cursing wasn't getting her any sympathy and the rest of the customers were telling the other managers that no one was discourteous to her. Did she think her ranting was gonna get her anywhere? I can only hope that she went home and realized what and ass she made of herself. If you know a place is busy at a certain time, and you don't want the hassle....then why go?.................................. What? What was that??? Sixty one??

Whats the Deal

Have you ever had a friend, aquantince, or coworker, that as soon as they approach you, you can feel that they are ill at ease? I do and I wonder what it is about myself that intimidates or makes them uncomfortable. I guess I could ask, but that might make it worse. I almost find humor in it at times. As he makes his rounds to check up and socialize with our work group, he always passes by my cubicle quickly and just blurts out a "hey" in his haste. He is gone before I can reply. It takes nothing for him to get involved in personal conversation with others but conversations go awkwardly when talking to me.....I have to prod to get information. Hmmm maybe he is just being a professional and holding in a dislike. Wow!! Thats a thought.... me being disliked?? Well there was they guy in the bar that called me a bitch, and there was a coworker who insisted I was incompetent and we argued all the time. Oh and then there is Jack, who made it a point to tell me I didn't know squat about hockey because I was a woman and he fought me on every thing I wanted to do in the organization. I guess that would be a sense of dislike as well. OK........ before I get paranoid......this doesn't feel that way. Its just like he is uncomfortable......kinda like those awkward silences you get on a first date sometimes. I do remember having been in that position once myself. Although to this day I can't figure out why I was uncomfortable around this particular person. Matter of fact I am most at ease around them today. I still try to analyze what it was that made me feel the way I did. Can it be that we sometimes try too hard to make a relationship (of any kind) work that we become afraid of making an ass out of ourselves or afraid we will say something stupid? Could be, but shouldn't we be allowed to be ourselves around our friends? After all our friends, or at least our true friends, accept us for all aspects of our personality. So the question put forth is: do I try to resolve it or just let it go on?

Wanderings of the Mind

Many thoughts.........pretty much all over the place today.

First off I am glad that Thanksgiving is over. The Holidays are proving a tough thing to deal with this year. Thanks giving morning was spent trying to keep myself composed, before going to my mothers. My brother kept trying to talk me into spending Christmas in the Carolinas. If Thanksgiving was hard, I can't imagine Christmas and New Years. Christmas lights are being put up and they are depressing me more and more. A New Year is coming up and it will be Peteless. I hope friends will understand the lack of cards, presents and holiday cheer this year.

I have always been a "Get Over It" person, and for the first time I can't. Physical barriers and "consistant" barriers are easy to deal with. You can make a plan and go for it. Emotional issues are sooooo much harder. While they are always there, sometimes they hide in the background and other days they just jump out and slap you down. Somedays I wish there was a switch I could just turn off until it all went away. 3 months and counting and I still don't have a grip on it.

There was an accident on the way to work today. A car was not paying attention and went under a truck that was making its "wide turn" One of those thiings that you see coming but have no way to stop. You hold your breath and say a quick prayer that the person ends up ok. Be alert to whats around you. Your loved ones don't want to be without you.

My son was being pleasant this morning. Something teenagers aren't normally with their parents. I love when I see that part of him. It gives me hope that he will get his act together and be a produtive citizen.

Can I tell ya how much I love my furry, four legged, children. The cats have been over affectionate and the ferrets have been more entertaining and playful than usual. Must be the cool weather that has set in.........they bring a smile to my heart and soul.

Another "Ethics Training" class to take......"Respect in the Work Place" Bwaaaahahahahaha!!! We will see what thoughts that brings out in me.....may be a blog entry in itself.

Oh well..................until later..........

Greed

Greed seems to be in abundance lately. Hmmmmmmmmm I thought this was the season of good will and giving.

Two bitches at work, and they are bitches for their shitty attitude about child support, are raking their ex over the coals. In scenario one, bitch #1 has a very well paying job, she collects an ample amount of money from her ex husband for her 2 children and then she collects another generous amount from and ex boyfriend whom she had her third child with. Between these 2 collections, she makes approximately what I bring home in a month. Throw on top of this what she makes here at work, and she is sitting pretty. But it’s not enough and she wants to take the ex boyfriend to court for more money. Bitch # 2 also has a well paying job here and has been collecting child support from her ex husband. He has willingly given her more than what is court ordered and one of the munchkins is not his. He has now lost his job and is currently unemployed and she is pissed because he is not giving her the "extra" amount. She wants to take him to court to get more than what she has been getting. She can't see the reality that she will probably lose money because he is not working. What kills me about this is that both dads are stand up guys. I know both sides in both cases. The dads are not dead beat dads. They pay their money, they spend quality time with the kids, and you hear the pride they have in their children when they talk about them. I can't figure out what makes women so bitchy that they have to do this to men who are being responsible for their children. I wonder if there is a shared reason for such bitterness, or if there is just a bitch gene that is in female DNA. Recessive in some and dominant in others. These 2 will go to such lengths to make the fathers miserable. These are the type of women I usually reserve the unspeakable "C" word for.
See, I am on the other end of the spectrum from them.

I think they should be grateful that the children have responsible fathers.
I think they should be happy that these men comply with what the court has set for an amount.
I think they should be happy that these men love their children.
I think they should be friggin grateful that they see any money at all from these men!

See, my son has a dead beat dad. A man who decided his son wasn't worth seeing. A man who never asks how his son is. A man who purposely, in the beginning, wouldn’t work, so he didn't have to pay child support. I have never seen a dime from him to support his son. And what is the killer is unlike the listed men above.......he didn't have some huge court ordered amount. $250.00 a month was all he was made to fork over each month. The effort and cost to pursue getting the money was out weighing what it would bring in. So at times I did without the basics, so that my son always had clothes on his back, food in his stomach and a roof over his head. Don't think I am not bitter about this..........our trials make us strong...........they help us grow in knowledge and character. Let them go back and see how others have to do without and how their "bitchiness" is nothing but greed and laziness. I would just like these women to recognize that they should be thankful, because for every one mother out there getting their child support there are 2 others that aren't.

******************************
My other story of greed was hearing about the gentleman that was hit by a car, when after a Bucs game he fell in front of a car when he went to pick up a soda he had dropped. Coke was handing out free cans of the C2 product. Apparently people were taking more than one can to try. It seems that a lot were taking more than they could carry and the streets were littered with unopened soda cans that people had dropped. Was he trying to pick up one of the many cans he was carrying, or was he just intoxicated and couldn't keep a hold on the can or his balance? Don't get me wrong, I am not saying a person’s death is justified by greed..... but maybe the women referenced above should take note

Couples

I resented them tonight.

I resented all couples tonight.

Maybe it was one too many or maybe it was just being vulnerable, but I resented couples tonight. I resented their closeness, their touchy feely, their whispered secrets. I remembered what I had, and I remembered what I missed. I remembere what I have lost. I hate being alone. I hate being without him.

Beauty

Well a good friend of mine commented on real beauty and asked his readers what we thought it was. (http://fhcjr.blogspot.com/) But comments only allow for 1000 characters, so I brought it over to my blog.

Unfortunately the media portrays anorexic twigs as beautiful, and people being people, follow along, both males and females. Females find the need to strive to look like super models at the risk of their health and men perpetuate it with their oogling and superficial comments. So many people don't want to take an indepth look at a person who is "flawed" in looks. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying all men are like that nor are all women. But, me, not being of the "beautiful" crowd can tell you stories.
Looking through a womens catalog for plus sizes, I noticed how the models were no larger than a size 10. If I were a size 16 to 28 woman, why would I want to see what the clothes, I want to buy, look like on a size 10 or smaller person? I called several companies that did this and ya know what I was told??? No one wants to see a woman that large!!!! Needless to say I boycotted those stores. Also, why is it that when I am on line minding my own bussiness, a man will IM me and start a conversation. No more than a minute into any of these conversations I get asked for a picture. I tell them I don't have one so they proceed to ask what I look like and the second I mention being over weight......bam!! the conversation ends. Funny thing is I don't tell them if its 10 lbs or 100.
It seems that no one wants to take the time to get to know me as a person because of weight. Quite frankly, I think I am a beautiful person. I am loyal to my friends, I give to the community, I am kind, I am forgiving, and have a wealth of love to give to a person who will see me for what I am.
Now I will agree about properly clothing yourself. I would never wear anything skin tight or skimpy. But I think the clothing you chose is out of respect for yourself. Dressing yourself appropriate for your body type and age is a must. It relfects how you feel about yourself. A large woman can make herself look drop dead gorgeous with the right clothing. Its all a matter of taking the inner beauty and conveying it on the outside. The thing is, can the media stop pushing "Barbie Dolls" as the ideal figure. I doubt it. But maybe people could start being less superficial and concentrate on what the soul and spirit brings vs what they eyes see.
I would much rather go out with a man who treats me well, respects me, and values me than some macho built guy with a great tan and perfect hair and teeth. Now I'm no saint. Eye candy is nice to look at, but if the ego is as big as the biceps and there is no one home upstairs, it ain't lasting past a one night stand. But I have to ask........ why is it that when I was 212lbs, no one would approach me, but now with the lbs that I have lost, they do? The only difference in me is weight. My personality hasn't changed any. My beliefs haven't changed, nor has my sense of humor or morals. (And by the way, the weight loss is being done for myself and my health)
True beauty is what is inside. Physical attractiveness is nice, but as we age, looks will fade. That is unless you can afford plastic surgery until you step into your grave. So what would you rather be looking at in your spouse when you are 80?? An empty shell of a person who can't hold a conversation or give a damn about you, or someone who still loves you and can still talk about anything regardless of how trival it may be.

The End of a Chapter

So it has come..............
I release a heavy sigh as I move on........ a nine year chapter of my life has ended. I spent the last week and a half closing up Petes house, getting rid of his car, and selling his belongings. Now I am left with the items I chose to keep and those that need to be mailed out to close friends.

Maybe things will be a little easier now.

Maybe I can concentrate on learning how to actually deal with the pain and not just dull it in alcohol.

This is certainly not the way I ever expected this chapter to end. I always figured Pete's character would make appearances throughout this story and maybe have a bigger role in future parts. Guess it's not to be, and goes to prove that real life can have just as many unexpected twists as turns as any well written book. But what does the main character do without a best friend, or side kick? Makes the rest of the story look a little boring...........and lonely.

Poignant

my immortal

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much, that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

Fights and Battles

I mentioned to a close friend that I was cleaning out my sons room because after 2 months of nagging I got no results and bugs were starting to come from it. My frends response was, take away the car keys and tell him he ain't going no where until it is done. I pondered this and realized that that would have been my normal path to take, so why wasn't I doing it? Now I am not looking for any sympathy here, but I think its because I am just too tired to fight anymore. The battles have been on going since April. One stressful event after another. I think my coping abilities are barely hanging on andI know the nerves are frazzled almost beyond the point of repair. It certainly doesn't take much to send me into a fit of tears. My house is still in disrepair from tha last hurricane and I barely seem to find time to sleep....... that is, when my mind allows me to sleep. Most of the time the only way I can sleep through a night is to have one too many....not really a good plan. But back to the battles............................right now I just rather not take on more than I can handle, I'm still feelinng a little overwhelmed. Another fight, no matter how small, is one more too many. Maybe next year I can lower the white flag.....................

No, Its learning to live with it.

An aquaintance said to me the other day, "You look much better. You must be getting over Pete's death." My response was, "No not really, just coping better."

And this started me to thinking...............................

Do we "get over" the death of a loved one?? I don't think we do. I believe we just learn to cope with the void that has been created. If we got over it, I don't think we would ever miss that person again, or cry at the loss, or find ourselves picking up the phone to have a conversation, only to realize we can't do it. All my grandparents have passed on and I find I miss them to different degrees. One of my grandfathers passed away when I was rather young. I miss him at
times, but not as much as I miss my other grandfather. He lived to be almost 100. He was around longer and had more influence over me. I miss his conversations, his knowledge, and his grumpy attitude that was just a facade. To me, as each person in your life passes, it leaves a wound on the human spirit, a wound that is big or small depending on the influence they had in your life. Wounds heal........and leave scars. We recover from the wound, but there is a constant reminder left in its place, that reminds us of the pain we felt and what we have lost. These emtional scars change us, just as a physical scars would. Sometimes they even remind us they are still there with a jab of pain or discomfort. Pete's death...........hurt a lot........it will leave a large scar............. No, I won't get over it, but I will learn to live with the void, and I will try to prepare myself for those days in the future when the scar will throb and be a reminder to what once was.

Is This All There Is?

I spent all of Friday and Saturday and half of Sunday cleaning out and packing up Petes house. I spent a considerable amount of time sorting through personal papers and small objects and photos collected over the span of his 35 years on this earth. As I went through these things, I sorted them out into piles......things that evoked my memories, things that I can't imagine anyone wanting, (for lack of any forseeable purpose) and things that might mean something to other friends and family, and things that could be sold. I ended up with 7 trash bags of the "I can't imagine anyone wanting" catagory. I found this depressing........ very depressing. I tried to imagine what significance these items may of had to Pete. I mostly came up blank. Would he be looking down at me for throwing out things that he treasured, simply because I did not know the value they had to him? And I thought ....... "What would someone think going through the items I have collected through the years?" How much of my "stuff" would get thrown out??

Is this all our lives turn into? Junk to be thrown out after we pass?

I know that my memories of him are representative of what his life was, but these things that mean something to us as an individual, are those now lost memories ............. ones that only live in one person, ones that will die with that one person? Maybe I just feel depressed about not understanding....... maybe I missed knowing a part of his personality or character. ............. maybe I don't like to think that our lives are brought down to such trivial things.

A NOBODY

Me and Pete

Wow.....I am officially a nobody. I knew Pete for 9 years and dated him for 8. We lived together for the past 4 years. I know him better than anyone, and I believe that to be an honest and true statement. I know his secrets, his childhood stories, his dreams and hopes, and I know the life he shared with me. Yet in his death, I have become a nobody. No one wants to talk to me because we never sealed the deal and got married. They rather talk to his mom in PA whom he saw 4 weeks out of an entire year, because she is blood. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, but wouldn't you rather know the facts, than get a guesstamit. It doesn't matter that I know what the mortgage payment is, or the car payment, or what his credit card balances were. It doesn't matter that I have the passwords to all the accounts and know the balance of the bank accounts. I can not be spoken to because I am not a blood relative and we did not make our lives together "legal". Isn't that ironic.....to know everything there is to know about another, but yet your are nothing in the eyes of the law because of a piece of paper.

I guess that piece of paper knows everything.

Why

OK so I have been out drinking......................but why is it that the more I try to forget, the more I remember??