18

So my child has turned 18.

There are days I never thought he would make it cause I wanted to strangle him.

But he has turned out pretty damn good.

Today he had a BBQ and had all his friends over. I, of course, had some adults over as well to keep me company and to provide a more stimulating conversaion other than car, cars, who is wearing what and shouldn't, cars, teachers, todays "music" artists and oh did I mention cars? On the menu was grilled chicken, pulled pork, beans, cole slaw, and baked potatoes, and of course cake. The weather was great and in the evening the fire pit was great for a little warmth and ambience. The kids (teenagers /almost aldults) chowed on the food, laughed and all seemed to have a great time. As I hibernate in my room, at 11PM, with kids still all aroound my house, I guess I would have to say it was a success. A very nice group of young adults. So I here I sit and contemplate they day Peter was born and how he has affected my life and how in my darkest days he was what gave me the strength to get up in the mornings. Mysweet little boy has turned into a wonderful young man.

?????????????????

Geeeeez, I must really have my head in the sand. I am driving down the street and maybe a little over a mile away, new condos and strip mall are being built. Its half completed and its the first time I have noticed it. I don't know if it is because I drive the same route to do shopping as I do to go to work or if its because I have been such a homebody and haven't gone anywhere on the weekends........wow wake up girlie!

First Day

Here he is on his first day.......errrr, evening of college classes on the 10th. I couldn't resist annoying him with first day of school pictures.

Quick Quips

• I was driving to work the other day and was sitting at a red light and noticed bulldozers taking down a building that used to be a popular bowling alley. Many a Saturday nights I was there playing Midnight Madness Glow Bowl. I almost always broke even or won a few bucks. Funny thing is, it's right next to a newly built strip mall located on the grounds of what was the hotest mall when I was in HS.
• My son chose to start playing hockey again with the Midget A's. He had quit because a jackass of a coach was coaching the Midget Double A squad. He has since decided he loves the game too much and would rather at a level below his skills than not at all, and maybe help a few otheres out along the way. I loved watching him play today.
• A week on South Beach. I haven't weighed myself but the waist of my jeans aren't so snug.
• Peter turns 18 on Friday. I can't believe I made it 18 years with out totally losing it! LOL He starts college tomorrow.

Battle of the Bulge

Well the holidays are over and the extra poundage has been put on. Now comes the task of taking it off. I guess I will go for the holiday weight and a little extra...... I will start with 20 and then an extra 10 after that.

Resolution...... no a goal, for 2006.

I was inside leaning against the door frame of my front door. Looking at the Christmas lights accross the street, I popped open my beer. I watched the lights as they blinked and moved about from the breeze. I was trying toremember about when it was that I started losing the excitment of Christmas. It wasn't hard to remember when it was that I lost the last shred of it, but I wanted to remember exactly what year it was that there was just was a little less umpff than the previous years Christmas. I thought back over the years of dealing with my mother in her post stroke personality........her irrational behavior, her threats and her guilt trips. I would guess that that would have to have been the start of the decline. But, my first Christmas in my new house, was better and as Christmas's came and went in this house things improved until 2004, when it all crashed. As I looked at those lights, I wondered if I could get it back. And thus, I started thinking about the new year to come. I needed it to be different. There have been too many heartaches, too many struggles and way too much bullshit. I am tired of feeling lost. Maybe at midnight I should grab on to 2006 and demand it be a better year! Demand it treat me right. Tell 2006 I deserve better, that I deserve to be happy, that I am owed a good, successful, unburdened and happy year! I want more than the humdrum, same shit, different day routine.

So for 2006, I just want to find myself.

My Glass Menagerie

I was at home on a weekend and was watching tv. It was about 1 in the morning, and I heard footsteps coming up the stairs of our condo and new who it was. Not wanting to deal with him I turned off the tv and booked for the bedroom. I didn't make it. The door opened and in came my drunk husband. This was never a pleasant scene.
"I see your up. I'm hungry. Fix me some fuckin eggs and bacon!"
" Its really late. I was just heading to bed."
"I said, fix me some fuckin eggs and bacon!"
Not wanting to start anything I obliged. I went into the kitchen cooked the bacon and then the eggs, runny, sunny side over. I handed the plate to him and was about to make it to the bedroom door when a plate went whizzing by me and splattered me with egg yoke.
" GOD DAMN IT!! You over cooked them!" A one sided argument pursued. I knew it was a lost cause. When it got like this only one thing followed. This night he chose to break things that meant something to me. 6 years earlier my brother had given me a hand blown glass unicorn. It wasn't the average type that you find in the stands at the mall. This one was different. It was made from clear glass and very intricate. To give it texture the artisan had done spiral curls with the glass. The mane was made of whispy leaf like pieces, and the tail of individual hairlike stands. It was absolutely beautiful. It was mounted on a polished piece of wood and incased in a glass box with a mirrored background. It sat on the highboy in the living room. Michael comtinued to yell. He was walking toward me and I was preparing for what was to come, Instead he grabbed the treasured unicorn off the highboy and flung it accross the room. I could only gasp and watch it hit the wall. My heart was crushed. You could hear the glass as it shattered inside the box. It sounded like crystal that exploded from a singers perfect high pitched note. As it hit the ground I ran for it. The box itself hadn't broken but the unicorn was destroyed. It was nothing but shards of glass. I cried and I cried hard. I knew he was standing behind me taking pleasure in my pain. I couldn't look at him and was too frightened to turn around. As I cried, I heard the front door open and then shut. He was gone........... I picked up what was left and went to the bedroom. I placed the box on the night stand and eventually fell off to sleep. In the morning I was still alone. I layed in bed as the morning sun came through the window. I rolled over to look at my precious unicorn. Life had srtuck another blow. I couldn't help but think how my life was just like the unicorns. It was nothing like I thought it would be. Why was I stuck in this life. A life of shards that couldn't be put back together. A life of pain. A life reduced to no worth. As I was contemplating the wrong ways out of the life I had come to know, the sunlight from the window hit the remains of the unicorn. I watched as brilliant colors danced and sparkled across the pile of broken glass. I was fascinated and thought of diamonds. As the sunlight moved off the box, I was amazed that even broken glass could transform itself into something else of beauty....... and then, I realized that even my life, held hope for transformation into something of worth and value. I just had to find it.

A Twinge of Christmas Spirit

So this year I actually have a slight twinge of Christmas Spirit. I bought a tree and put it up. While all of the ferrets took an interest in the tree, three decided to help out. As I was decorating it Tauvi decided she wanted to be the angel atop the tree. Woozle inspected the way the ornaments were put on the tree and Teeki makes sure there is enough water.

My Latest Attempt

Last night I made another attempt to ferret proof my couch. The pictures show the damage they have done over the years of diging to get inside it, which the have down to and art now. So I cut some wood and laid it along the sides to prevent them from getting in, and lengthwise to keep it to the sides and to support the center. We will see how long it takes. I had alaready taken heavy fabric and sealed the bottom of it up. (Its a hide - a -bed) I know most people would be upset buy the damage, but I only paid $100.00 bucks for the couch at the Goodwill Store, and even if I remove the sheets I keep over it all the time, the damage doesn't show.
The code of ferrets - chaos, disorder and mayhem. Gotta love those little guys :)

Person From The Past

I was sound a sleep the other night and my phone rang. As I answered it, I looked at the clock and saw it was 1:45 in the morning. First thing I thought was my son was out and got in trouble, and then I realized he went to bed before I did. A scratchy, sleepy "hello" came out of my mouth.
"Did I wake you?"
"Huh?" was all I could manage.
It took me a minute to recognize the voice from the past, and from the past it was. 10 years past to be exact. Isn't it strange that some people can come in and out of your life and when you meet it is as if there was never that great bridge of time between you. This was the third call between us and each time the conversation picked up as easily as before. He has made two and I, one. Each call has been at a time when one or the other needed a little peace of mind and an unbiased view of life. Isn't it strange how you can meet someone that makes time stand still between meetings, regarless of how far apart those meetings are. No we were never a couple, an item, or boyfriend and girlfriend. We were just two people who knew each other and helped each other through some really rough times.

Bumbled Words

I was out shoppping the other day and had picked up some gift cards for a friewnds birthday. I was sitting in the truck filling out the card and a woman tapped on my window. When I roled the window down she asked where I had gotten my bumper sticker. It reads "My heart belongs to a firefighter" She said her daughter just married a firefighter and she thought it would be great for her. I replied that it came off of one of the web stores but I wasn't sure which one cause Pete had gotten it for me a while ago. She asked what station he was at and I had to tell her that he died 15 months ago. Thing is it came out all flubbed up. I tripped over my words and every question she asked felt strange answering. It was the first time that a family member of another firefighter had spoken to me and it felt awkward. I'm not sure why.

The Perfect Holiday

So with the holidays upon us, I have been contemplating those past and present. I was trying to remember the one I would have labeled as the best. I realized that in most cases each one had certain elements that made it special. I wish I could combine all of those special ingredients to make the holiday season once again my favorite time of year. Here is what my recipe would have in it:

Fresh fallen snow
Cool crisp air
The excitement you felt as a child
The magic (ie believing in flying reindeer)
The smell of apple pie, sugar and cinnamon
Crackling fire
The smell of pine from the Christmas Tree
Holiday music
Friends
Brothers
Sister
Mom and Dad
Sons
Daughters
aunts
Uncles
Cousins
Grandparents
And whatever other extended family you can find.....
Laughter
Conversation
Scenery: Massachusetts / Woods / Family Estate /Warm house
Food, food and more food
Colored lights
The joy you felt opening the present you just had to have more than anything.
No cares
No worries
Love
Jingling sleighbells
A sleigh ride
Contentment and peace

Take a Moment

I went to one of my favorite reads this evening, expecting the usual light heartedness, only to be saddened. Instead I find myself contemplating and praying for safe returns.
Tyler

Posing A Question

For several days I have had one question running through my head and so I put the question forth.................................

What makes your friends, your friends?

A Nothing Kind Of Day

Wow. Today I did something I haven't done in ages. Nothing. I did absolutely nothing. I spent Saturday doing all my yard work and house cleaning. I mowed the lawn, laid some patio stones, swept the decks, vacuumed, did the dishes, and cleaned the bathroom. And today I got out of bed....moved to the couch, watched tv, then 3 movies. I finally changed my clothes to go out and meet Fred for some drinks at 8......... It was kinda cool.

Completed

So here is the finished product. It took about 4 hours to set the tiles and then we let it set overnight. It took another 2 hours to grout and clean.I set the center and the two candle holders and then pretty much let Peter do "his thing" andthen I followed up with all the filling in.

Revelation

When Pete died I asked...
"What did I do so horrible to deserve this?"
And I continue to ask this everytime I have a bad day of coping, until now. What I realize is that Pete's death did not happen to punish me..................... but to reward him. My pain is just an unfortunate side affect.

Project

Ya I know photos are coming......... It took me most of Sunday to finish it and I didn't get it grouted until tonight.... pictures coming soon.....

Outdoor Counter

Here is my latest project. Back, 5 years ago, when I bought my house I had to rebuild the deck. The previous owners had built the 16X10 deck but they had only put one center support and used untreated wood. It was pretty nasty and you didn't dare walk on it in your bare feet. I had built this counter, I can store the grill under it from the other side, and experimented with the top of it. I had tiled it with bits of beach glass, old tiles from the bathroom, and other neat things that had color to them. Well after about 4 and a half years it is falling apart.....just the top........so I am redoing it. I studied what was wrong with it and will correct those mistakes.

I had only one support running lengthwise and the weight of the tile and grout really calls for 2.

Use more tile and objects this time and less grout.

Secure the wood sides with more screws this time....then it won't be able to warp.

Use a sealant over the treated plywood anyways.

I completed everything today but the decorating........I'll post pictures tomorrow after that is done. Till then.......happy projects!

PS....yes the rabbit cage in the background is on my list of "To Dos" Its getting removed.

Playtime

I came home from work tonight, put my things down, let the ferrets out of the cage and walked into my room to change my clothes. I could hear them dooking, and chasing each other through their tubes, and then I realized the house got strangely quiet. I had a quick panic, thinking maybe the back door hadn't closed all the way and that the children had scattered to the outside world. I ran to the back door and upon entering my kitchen found that my ferrets discovered several bags of packing peanuts while I was in my room reading emails. I am sure it was Tauvi who found them first and instigated the field of white. I sat down on the floor and watched while the six of them scooted through the peanuts, pushing them and then hopping wildly through them taking delight in the way they scattered. The static would build up in peanuts and they would stick to the ferrets coats. They little fuzzbutts would get excited as the little white monsters stuck to them. Such amusement. It only goes to prove if observe what goes on around us, we can find entertainment without turning on the TV.