Is It a Once In A Lifetime Thing?

Wow seems I have been a little busy with things. So…. Mr X and I have had 5 dates total now. He is a really nice guy and doesn't mind that I am still a little messed up in the head. What it all comes down to in my thoughts though, is that I wonder if in love you can find the real McCoy twice. I loved Pete unquestioning and unconditionally and our relationship was very unique to me. I trusted so completely. It seems everyone spends a lifetime looking for that one true love. The one person you will spend the rest of your life with. The one who will love you the way you in turn love them. If a person finds it once, loses it to death, can one be so lucky as to find that kind of love a second time? If not what is the point of looking? We would be settling for seconds on any future spouse we take. Or could love be what we make out of it, what we put in as an effort and in turn what our spouse puts into it. Maybe true love, the real McCoy, is two people so devoted to each other that neither lets up in the way they work at the relationship. Maybe its both people putting forth everything they have to make life good, to make their relationship strong. After all, nothing of true value is easily earned.

Little Thieves

Some have had the pleasure of meeting my liitle carpet sharks. They are sneaky little creatures that will steal at any given opportunity. I often warn my friends to keep their purses shut and not to leave keys or wallets laying on chairs or coffee tables. I usually clean out under my bed once a week from these little horders. It is their main hidey hole and collection drop off. I missed a week and here is what they collected in a two week period:
5 Magazines
1 Exedrine box
1 Anti acid box
1 Fly swatter
1 toohbrush pakage
1 empty razor package
1 Bible
1 Christmas decoration
1 Dorito bag
7 Rattley mice cat toys
1 kitchen timer
10 wine corks
1 shoe
3 flip flops
1 squeky toy
3 balls
1 battery pack
1 stuffed teady bear toy
1 curler
Several pieces of kibble
1 package of coffee filters 2 stress balls
1 rope toy 1 watch (missing for some time now) 1 lid to a Pringles can 1 sock 1/2 a cookie

Home Improvements

Well I spent all day today painting cabinets and putting on new hardware. I got the upper cabinets done but still have the bottom ones......guess that will wait until nect weekend. Then I will have before and after photos........

Overwhelmed

So today I went out on my first date since Pete passed.

He was very nice and very sweet and very much the gentlemen. He had business in Sarasota so we went down there while he took pictures of real estate( he is a property appraiser) and then we hit the restaurants and did some bar hopping in Longboat Key. What I thought was going to be a 5-hour day turned into 9. I had a really nice time, but I got home and once alone I cried. Going on this date was admitting to myself that Pete wasn't ever coming back. It was admitting that, that part of my life was gone and that, that part of my life was over. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to acknowledge. I hate they way I feel. I hate saying goodbye. I know that no one will ever take his place, but it hurts knowing that all I wanted will never be and that the person I saw myself growing old with won’t be sitting in the chair next to me in 30 years reminiscing over the silly little things in life. I want to move forward but I still find it painful to let go of the past. Love, interrupted, and stolen, does not pass quietly.

Blog Stalking

Blog Stalking

I thought I was being original, but have found others who have recently discovered the act as well.
I have seen two instances.

One just posts nasty grams on the same blog.

The other is a bit more agressive. She not only comments on his blog but goes to his usual reads and leaves comments there as well. Its kinda like a "here I am, all the same places as you"

Weird what people do to get attention...................

Burning Down the House (almost) and the Bank Account

Ouch!
What a weekend.
It started Thursday night and just continued on. The hot water heater was on its way out but I figured it would make it until Saturday when I had a new one coming. This proved wrong. Thursday night I noticed a dimming of the lights which is nothing unusual for this old neighborhood., but it did seem more tham usual. I stood at the sink washing dishes when there was a pop and sparks came flying out of the cabinet where the heater is kept. So much for the hot water heater lasting. I flipped the breaker for it and went about my business. The lights went out and then came on after a minute. This continued for quite a while so I called the electric company and they said they would be by in the morning.
Morning!!
I could have ashes by then!
I contemplated the situation and we flipped the breakers for everything but the fridge. In the morning I called and electrician. He showed up around 10AM and went to work. Progress Energy came out and replaced the arrial connction to the house it it was melted. Hmmm that sounds good. After 5 hours the electrician found a UPS system going bad which had started sending surges back through the electrical system and eventually burned out the breaker for that section of the house. He began his repairs and once completed we sat around for 30 minutes with all the house lights on….. not even a flicker. I was thrilled so I wrote a painful check and away he went. Night came and as I watched tv I noticed a dimming in the lights….. 45 minutes passed and nothing. OK it was my imagination and I was being parinoid, so I relaxed once again. Oooops, lights out. More like SHIT!!! So once again when we went to bed everything was turned off at the box except the fridge. I got up early on Saturday and tried the electrician. No answer , so I left a voice mail. After an hour there had been no call back so I called another that said they worked Saturdays at the regular rate. While I was waiting on him to arrive the plumber showed up to put in the heater. I had an uneasiness about him….he was dirty or odd looking, and no strange quirks, he just didn’t make me comfortable. Well he worked on getting the old one out and when he attempted to put the new one in it didn’t fit. Not a problem he says, I’ll just get a smaller one. So I went from a 40 gallon down to a 30 gallon. The second arrived and it did not fit either.
OK,….. DAMN!!!
So he took this one back out to his truck and says…….sorry there is nothing more I can do for you today and states he will have the office call me on Monday to set up an appointment for later next week.
HUH!!??
He says he capped off the pipes and with that leaves.
Now I am a little upset at this and go to rinse out a glass. As I turn on the water it comes spewing out from the suposidly capped pipes
NOW I WS REALLY MAD!
I called Home Depot installation and tried not to yell as it was not that poor persons fault. But let them know that I was not happy, was really pissed off and wanted to have them remove the charge from my card as I had no hot water heater at my house and nothing was installed. Home Depot, NEVER AGAIN! (A previous attempt with H.D.) At this point the new electrician showed up and he went to work on finding the trouble and I called a plumber that my mother usually used. He was kind enough to come out and properly take measurements and then capped off the lines correctly. He apologized that he could not get me a heater until Monday, but promised he would get prices and give me an estimate on Monday and if someone would be home, would install it that day as well.
Well that was certainly better than the next weekend. I thanked him and he left.
Then the electrician tells me he believes he has found the problem and that he can fix it easily.
Thank God!
It was the main breaker. While the first electrician had bee correct is his diagnosis, he did not find all of the bad parts. A newly installed main breaker and another check and I am fixed, well except for no hot water.
Electricians total???? $652.38 and I still have a hot water heater to buy and a plumber to pay.

Quick Quips and Rambling Thoughts

• This constant hot, cold hot, cold weather is giving me such bad sinus headaches. I wish mother nature would make up her mind. Here again its in the high 30’s to low 40s and by Thursday it will be back up to the 80s. Me head just wants to explode.

• This morning I was getting ready for work and as I made my breakfast, I noticed a concert of crunching sounds. I turned to look and there were all six ferrets with their heads in the food bowls eating kibble. I rather enjoyed the sound and sat down at a chair in the kitchen and joined in with my Kashi cereal.

• I wish I were musically inclined. I tried playing the flute in grade school and then tried the piano and guitar. I eventually realized that I just didn’t have the coordination to make both hands do two different things. I also found that I just couldn’t read music. I next tried singing. I found that it was best to contain that to my car when alone. What I don’t understand is my father played the violin and my mother the piano. (They never played professionally but was enjoyable to listen to.) My uncle on, my fathers side, has a music shop and recording studio and all his kids play an assortred amount of instruments very well. I wish they hadn’t horded all the musical genes. Maybe that’s why I so thouroughly enjoy listening, I appreciate it more because of my lack of ability.

• I finally decided on some colors for my ugly kitchen spruce up……no I gotta get the right mindset to do it.
  
  

Dislike Found

Now remember I work in an office of 4 people.

OK, so after 5 months on my job I tripped over my first speedbump at work and found something I don't like. I don't like the isolation that I feel has been forced upon me. I got in trouble at work today for sending out personal e-mails and receiving them. In my 5 months I am guilty of sending or recieving 128 personal e-mails. If you break that down, into groups of 2, because usually if you give, you get, and if you get, you give, you know, each e-mail sent or received elicits at least one response. So, I had 64 exchanges of information, at a maximum, in 5 months. For this, I got threatened to correct my ways, or miss my next evaluation raise. Nice........... no e-mail correspondence with non business personnel, no IMs with anyone, and limited personal calls to family members. While your at it just throw me into solitary confinement.

Love at First Sight

Today a discussion came up of love at first sight. The question set forth was, did you believe in it. My response was a strong "Yes!"

Peter was about 7. It was a Saturday morning and he was raring to go to his hockey skating lesson. So in the car and off to the rink we went. We got there and I helped Peter get his skates on and out to the ice. I took my usual place in the stands to watch. John, his skating coach was out there and so was a new coach. I stared at him and watched him almost the entire lesson. A girlish giddiness came over me and I couldn't help but laugh. I felt butterflies! This was just silliness, but it felt nice as I was at a point in my marriage where even the tought of my husbands touch made my skin crawl. After his lesson we always stayed for the public skate so Peter could practice what he had just learned. As I turned to walk out to the front desk I almost ran into this new coach.
"Um sorry, excuse me" (Damn I am such a dork)
He smailed and continued through the door to the outer lobby.
Peter and I got on the ice to skate and who else should come skating out? I stood still and once again, came the butterflies. All I could think was "don't fall, don't fall" And then he skated over to one of the 20ish girls, gave her a hug and a kiss, and disappointment spread throughout. I began to scold myself...."How silly is this!?" Here I am mooning over a guy I don't even know, he has a girlfriend and I am still married to an ass! What is wrong with me!
With that I turned back to my son and helped him through the things he had learned and encouraged him to keep trying when he messed up and fell. The next thing I knew there was a voice from behind. "Here, let me show you" and the new coach moved closer to Peter and demonstrated the manueuver he was trying to conquer. He spent about 3 minutes with Peter and then turned and introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Pete." I was glad it was cold in there because the pinkness in my cheeks could be blamed on the cool temperature in the rink. I looked in his face and knew I saw him in my future.

The butterflies hung around for a long, long time, and so did Pete.

18

So my child has turned 18.

There are days I never thought he would make it cause I wanted to strangle him.

But he has turned out pretty damn good.

Today he had a BBQ and had all his friends over. I, of course, had some adults over as well to keep me company and to provide a more stimulating conversaion other than car, cars, who is wearing what and shouldn't, cars, teachers, todays "music" artists and oh did I mention cars? On the menu was grilled chicken, pulled pork, beans, cole slaw, and baked potatoes, and of course cake. The weather was great and in the evening the fire pit was great for a little warmth and ambience. The kids (teenagers /almost aldults) chowed on the food, laughed and all seemed to have a great time. As I hibernate in my room, at 11PM, with kids still all aroound my house, I guess I would have to say it was a success. A very nice group of young adults. So I here I sit and contemplate they day Peter was born and how he has affected my life and how in my darkest days he was what gave me the strength to get up in the mornings. Mysweet little boy has turned into a wonderful young man.

?????????????????

Geeeeez, I must really have my head in the sand. I am driving down the street and maybe a little over a mile away, new condos and strip mall are being built. Its half completed and its the first time I have noticed it. I don't know if it is because I drive the same route to do shopping as I do to go to work or if its because I have been such a homebody and haven't gone anywhere on the weekends........wow wake up girlie!

First Day

Here he is on his first day.......errrr, evening of college classes on the 10th. I couldn't resist annoying him with first day of school pictures.

Quick Quips

• I was driving to work the other day and was sitting at a red light and noticed bulldozers taking down a building that used to be a popular bowling alley. Many a Saturday nights I was there playing Midnight Madness Glow Bowl. I almost always broke even or won a few bucks. Funny thing is, it's right next to a newly built strip mall located on the grounds of what was the hotest mall when I was in HS.
• My son chose to start playing hockey again with the Midget A's. He had quit because a jackass of a coach was coaching the Midget Double A squad. He has since decided he loves the game too much and would rather at a level below his skills than not at all, and maybe help a few otheres out along the way. I loved watching him play today.
• A week on South Beach. I haven't weighed myself but the waist of my jeans aren't so snug.
• Peter turns 18 on Friday. I can't believe I made it 18 years with out totally losing it! LOL He starts college tomorrow.

Battle of the Bulge

Well the holidays are over and the extra poundage has been put on. Now comes the task of taking it off. I guess I will go for the holiday weight and a little extra...... I will start with 20 and then an extra 10 after that.

Resolution...... no a goal, for 2006.

I was inside leaning against the door frame of my front door. Looking at the Christmas lights accross the street, I popped open my beer. I watched the lights as they blinked and moved about from the breeze. I was trying toremember about when it was that I started losing the excitment of Christmas. It wasn't hard to remember when it was that I lost the last shred of it, but I wanted to remember exactly what year it was that there was just was a little less umpff than the previous years Christmas. I thought back over the years of dealing with my mother in her post stroke personality........her irrational behavior, her threats and her guilt trips. I would guess that that would have to have been the start of the decline. But, my first Christmas in my new house, was better and as Christmas's came and went in this house things improved until 2004, when it all crashed. As I looked at those lights, I wondered if I could get it back. And thus, I started thinking about the new year to come. I needed it to be different. There have been too many heartaches, too many struggles and way too much bullshit. I am tired of feeling lost. Maybe at midnight I should grab on to 2006 and demand it be a better year! Demand it treat me right. Tell 2006 I deserve better, that I deserve to be happy, that I am owed a good, successful, unburdened and happy year! I want more than the humdrum, same shit, different day routine.

So for 2006, I just want to find myself.

My Glass Menagerie

I was at home on a weekend and was watching tv. It was about 1 in the morning, and I heard footsteps coming up the stairs of our condo and new who it was. Not wanting to deal with him I turned off the tv and booked for the bedroom. I didn't make it. The door opened and in came my drunk husband. This was never a pleasant scene.
"I see your up. I'm hungry. Fix me some fuckin eggs and bacon!"
" Its really late. I was just heading to bed."
"I said, fix me some fuckin eggs and bacon!"
Not wanting to start anything I obliged. I went into the kitchen cooked the bacon and then the eggs, runny, sunny side over. I handed the plate to him and was about to make it to the bedroom door when a plate went whizzing by me and splattered me with egg yoke.
" GOD DAMN IT!! You over cooked them!" A one sided argument pursued. I knew it was a lost cause. When it got like this only one thing followed. This night he chose to break things that meant something to me. 6 years earlier my brother had given me a hand blown glass unicorn. It wasn't the average type that you find in the stands at the mall. This one was different. It was made from clear glass and very intricate. To give it texture the artisan had done spiral curls with the glass. The mane was made of whispy leaf like pieces, and the tail of individual hairlike stands. It was absolutely beautiful. It was mounted on a polished piece of wood and incased in a glass box with a mirrored background. It sat on the highboy in the living room. Michael comtinued to yell. He was walking toward me and I was preparing for what was to come, Instead he grabbed the treasured unicorn off the highboy and flung it accross the room. I could only gasp and watch it hit the wall. My heart was crushed. You could hear the glass as it shattered inside the box. It sounded like crystal that exploded from a singers perfect high pitched note. As it hit the ground I ran for it. The box itself hadn't broken but the unicorn was destroyed. It was nothing but shards of glass. I cried and I cried hard. I knew he was standing behind me taking pleasure in my pain. I couldn't look at him and was too frightened to turn around. As I cried, I heard the front door open and then shut. He was gone........... I picked up what was left and went to the bedroom. I placed the box on the night stand and eventually fell off to sleep. In the morning I was still alone. I layed in bed as the morning sun came through the window. I rolled over to look at my precious unicorn. Life had srtuck another blow. I couldn't help but think how my life was just like the unicorns. It was nothing like I thought it would be. Why was I stuck in this life. A life of shards that couldn't be put back together. A life of pain. A life reduced to no worth. As I was contemplating the wrong ways out of the life I had come to know, the sunlight from the window hit the remains of the unicorn. I watched as brilliant colors danced and sparkled across the pile of broken glass. I was fascinated and thought of diamonds. As the sunlight moved off the box, I was amazed that even broken glass could transform itself into something else of beauty....... and then, I realized that even my life, held hope for transformation into something of worth and value. I just had to find it.

A Twinge of Christmas Spirit

So this year I actually have a slight twinge of Christmas Spirit. I bought a tree and put it up. While all of the ferrets took an interest in the tree, three decided to help out. As I was decorating it Tauvi decided she wanted to be the angel atop the tree. Woozle inspected the way the ornaments were put on the tree and Teeki makes sure there is enough water.

My Latest Attempt

Last night I made another attempt to ferret proof my couch. The pictures show the damage they have done over the years of diging to get inside it, which the have down to and art now. So I cut some wood and laid it along the sides to prevent them from getting in, and lengthwise to keep it to the sides and to support the center. We will see how long it takes. I had alaready taken heavy fabric and sealed the bottom of it up. (Its a hide - a -bed) I know most people would be upset buy the damage, but I only paid $100.00 bucks for the couch at the Goodwill Store, and even if I remove the sheets I keep over it all the time, the damage doesn't show.
The code of ferrets - chaos, disorder and mayhem. Gotta love those little guys :)

Person From The Past

I was sound a sleep the other night and my phone rang. As I answered it, I looked at the clock and saw it was 1:45 in the morning. First thing I thought was my son was out and got in trouble, and then I realized he went to bed before I did. A scratchy, sleepy "hello" came out of my mouth.
"Did I wake you?"
"Huh?" was all I could manage.
It took me a minute to recognize the voice from the past, and from the past it was. 10 years past to be exact. Isn't it strange that some people can come in and out of your life and when you meet it is as if there was never that great bridge of time between you. This was the third call between us and each time the conversation picked up as easily as before. He has made two and I, one. Each call has been at a time when one or the other needed a little peace of mind and an unbiased view of life. Isn't it strange how you can meet someone that makes time stand still between meetings, regarless of how far apart those meetings are. No we were never a couple, an item, or boyfriend and girlfriend. We were just two people who knew each other and helped each other through some really rough times.

Bumbled Words

I was out shoppping the other day and had picked up some gift cards for a friewnds birthday. I was sitting in the truck filling out the card and a woman tapped on my window. When I roled the window down she asked where I had gotten my bumper sticker. It reads "My heart belongs to a firefighter" She said her daughter just married a firefighter and she thought it would be great for her. I replied that it came off of one of the web stores but I wasn't sure which one cause Pete had gotten it for me a while ago. She asked what station he was at and I had to tell her that he died 15 months ago. Thing is it came out all flubbed up. I tripped over my words and every question she asked felt strange answering. It was the first time that a family member of another firefighter had spoken to me and it felt awkward. I'm not sure why.