Resolution...... no a goal, for 2006.

I was inside leaning against the door frame of my front door. Looking at the Christmas lights accross the street, I popped open my beer. I watched the lights as they blinked and moved about from the breeze. I was trying toremember about when it was that I started losing the excitment of Christmas. It wasn't hard to remember when it was that I lost the last shred of it, but I wanted to remember exactly what year it was that there was just was a little less umpff than the previous years Christmas. I thought back over the years of dealing with my mother in her post stroke personality........her irrational behavior, her threats and her guilt trips. I would guess that that would have to have been the start of the decline. But, my first Christmas in my new house, was better and as Christmas's came and went in this house things improved until 2004, when it all crashed. As I looked at those lights, I wondered if I could get it back. And thus, I started thinking about the new year to come. I needed it to be different. There have been too many heartaches, too many struggles and way too much bullshit. I am tired of feeling lost. Maybe at midnight I should grab on to 2006 and demand it be a better year! Demand it treat me right. Tell 2006 I deserve better, that I deserve to be happy, that I am owed a good, successful, unburdened and happy year! I want more than the humdrum, same shit, different day routine.

So for 2006, I just want to find myself.

My Glass Menagerie

I was at home on a weekend and was watching tv. It was about 1 in the morning, and I heard footsteps coming up the stairs of our condo and new who it was. Not wanting to deal with him I turned off the tv and booked for the bedroom. I didn't make it. The door opened and in came my drunk husband. This was never a pleasant scene.
"I see your up. I'm hungry. Fix me some fuckin eggs and bacon!"
" Its really late. I was just heading to bed."
"I said, fix me some fuckin eggs and bacon!"
Not wanting to start anything I obliged. I went into the kitchen cooked the bacon and then the eggs, runny, sunny side over. I handed the plate to him and was about to make it to the bedroom door when a plate went whizzing by me and splattered me with egg yoke.
" GOD DAMN IT!! You over cooked them!" A one sided argument pursued. I knew it was a lost cause. When it got like this only one thing followed. This night he chose to break things that meant something to me. 6 years earlier my brother had given me a hand blown glass unicorn. It wasn't the average type that you find in the stands at the mall. This one was different. It was made from clear glass and very intricate. To give it texture the artisan had done spiral curls with the glass. The mane was made of whispy leaf like pieces, and the tail of individual hairlike stands. It was absolutely beautiful. It was mounted on a polished piece of wood and incased in a glass box with a mirrored background. It sat on the highboy in the living room. Michael comtinued to yell. He was walking toward me and I was preparing for what was to come, Instead he grabbed the treasured unicorn off the highboy and flung it accross the room. I could only gasp and watch it hit the wall. My heart was crushed. You could hear the glass as it shattered inside the box. It sounded like crystal that exploded from a singers perfect high pitched note. As it hit the ground I ran for it. The box itself hadn't broken but the unicorn was destroyed. It was nothing but shards of glass. I cried and I cried hard. I knew he was standing behind me taking pleasure in my pain. I couldn't look at him and was too frightened to turn around. As I cried, I heard the front door open and then shut. He was gone........... I picked up what was left and went to the bedroom. I placed the box on the night stand and eventually fell off to sleep. In the morning I was still alone. I layed in bed as the morning sun came through the window. I rolled over to look at my precious unicorn. Life had srtuck another blow. I couldn't help but think how my life was just like the unicorns. It was nothing like I thought it would be. Why was I stuck in this life. A life of shards that couldn't be put back together. A life of pain. A life reduced to no worth. As I was contemplating the wrong ways out of the life I had come to know, the sunlight from the window hit the remains of the unicorn. I watched as brilliant colors danced and sparkled across the pile of broken glass. I was fascinated and thought of diamonds. As the sunlight moved off the box, I was amazed that even broken glass could transform itself into something else of beauty....... and then, I realized that even my life, held hope for transformation into something of worth and value. I just had to find it.

A Twinge of Christmas Spirit

So this year I actually have a slight twinge of Christmas Spirit. I bought a tree and put it up. While all of the ferrets took an interest in the tree, three decided to help out. As I was decorating it Tauvi decided she wanted to be the angel atop the tree. Woozle inspected the way the ornaments were put on the tree and Teeki makes sure there is enough water.

My Latest Attempt

Last night I made another attempt to ferret proof my couch. The pictures show the damage they have done over the years of diging to get inside it, which the have down to and art now. So I cut some wood and laid it along the sides to prevent them from getting in, and lengthwise to keep it to the sides and to support the center. We will see how long it takes. I had alaready taken heavy fabric and sealed the bottom of it up. (Its a hide - a -bed) I know most people would be upset buy the damage, but I only paid $100.00 bucks for the couch at the Goodwill Store, and even if I remove the sheets I keep over it all the time, the damage doesn't show.
The code of ferrets - chaos, disorder and mayhem. Gotta love those little guys :)

Person From The Past

I was sound a sleep the other night and my phone rang. As I answered it, I looked at the clock and saw it was 1:45 in the morning. First thing I thought was my son was out and got in trouble, and then I realized he went to bed before I did. A scratchy, sleepy "hello" came out of my mouth.
"Did I wake you?"
"Huh?" was all I could manage.
It took me a minute to recognize the voice from the past, and from the past it was. 10 years past to be exact. Isn't it strange that some people can come in and out of your life and when you meet it is as if there was never that great bridge of time between you. This was the third call between us and each time the conversation picked up as easily as before. He has made two and I, one. Each call has been at a time when one or the other needed a little peace of mind and an unbiased view of life. Isn't it strange how you can meet someone that makes time stand still between meetings, regarless of how far apart those meetings are. No we were never a couple, an item, or boyfriend and girlfriend. We were just two people who knew each other and helped each other through some really rough times.

Bumbled Words

I was out shoppping the other day and had picked up some gift cards for a friewnds birthday. I was sitting in the truck filling out the card and a woman tapped on my window. When I roled the window down she asked where I had gotten my bumper sticker. It reads "My heart belongs to a firefighter" She said her daughter just married a firefighter and she thought it would be great for her. I replied that it came off of one of the web stores but I wasn't sure which one cause Pete had gotten it for me a while ago. She asked what station he was at and I had to tell her that he died 15 months ago. Thing is it came out all flubbed up. I tripped over my words and every question she asked felt strange answering. It was the first time that a family member of another firefighter had spoken to me and it felt awkward. I'm not sure why.

The Perfect Holiday

So with the holidays upon us, I have been contemplating those past and present. I was trying to remember the one I would have labeled as the best. I realized that in most cases each one had certain elements that made it special. I wish I could combine all of those special ingredients to make the holiday season once again my favorite time of year. Here is what my recipe would have in it:

Fresh fallen snow
Cool crisp air
The excitement you felt as a child
The magic (ie believing in flying reindeer)
The smell of apple pie, sugar and cinnamon
Crackling fire
The smell of pine from the Christmas Tree
Holiday music
Friends
Brothers
Sister
Mom and Dad
Sons
Daughters
aunts
Uncles
Cousins
Grandparents
And whatever other extended family you can find.....
Laughter
Conversation
Scenery: Massachusetts / Woods / Family Estate /Warm house
Food, food and more food
Colored lights
The joy you felt opening the present you just had to have more than anything.
No cares
No worries
Love
Jingling sleighbells
A sleigh ride
Contentment and peace

Take a Moment

I went to one of my favorite reads this evening, expecting the usual light heartedness, only to be saddened. Instead I find myself contemplating and praying for safe returns.
Tyler

Posing A Question

For several days I have had one question running through my head and so I put the question forth.................................

What makes your friends, your friends?

A Nothing Kind Of Day

Wow. Today I did something I haven't done in ages. Nothing. I did absolutely nothing. I spent Saturday doing all my yard work and house cleaning. I mowed the lawn, laid some patio stones, swept the decks, vacuumed, did the dishes, and cleaned the bathroom. And today I got out of bed....moved to the couch, watched tv, then 3 movies. I finally changed my clothes to go out and meet Fred for some drinks at 8......... It was kinda cool.

Completed

So here is the finished product. It took about 4 hours to set the tiles and then we let it set overnight. It took another 2 hours to grout and clean.I set the center and the two candle holders and then pretty much let Peter do "his thing" andthen I followed up with all the filling in.

Revelation

When Pete died I asked...
"What did I do so horrible to deserve this?"
And I continue to ask this everytime I have a bad day of coping, until now. What I realize is that Pete's death did not happen to punish me..................... but to reward him. My pain is just an unfortunate side affect.

Project

Ya I know photos are coming......... It took me most of Sunday to finish it and I didn't get it grouted until tonight.... pictures coming soon.....

Outdoor Counter

Here is my latest project. Back, 5 years ago, when I bought my house I had to rebuild the deck. The previous owners had built the 16X10 deck but they had only put one center support and used untreated wood. It was pretty nasty and you didn't dare walk on it in your bare feet. I had built this counter, I can store the grill under it from the other side, and experimented with the top of it. I had tiled it with bits of beach glass, old tiles from the bathroom, and other neat things that had color to them. Well after about 4 and a half years it is falling apart.....just the top........so I am redoing it. I studied what was wrong with it and will correct those mistakes.

I had only one support running lengthwise and the weight of the tile and grout really calls for 2.

Use more tile and objects this time and less grout.

Secure the wood sides with more screws this time....then it won't be able to warp.

Use a sealant over the treated plywood anyways.

I completed everything today but the decorating........I'll post pictures tomorrow after that is done. Till then.......happy projects!

PS....yes the rabbit cage in the background is on my list of "To Dos" Its getting removed.

Playtime

I came home from work tonight, put my things down, let the ferrets out of the cage and walked into my room to change my clothes. I could hear them dooking, and chasing each other through their tubes, and then I realized the house got strangely quiet. I had a quick panic, thinking maybe the back door hadn't closed all the way and that the children had scattered to the outside world. I ran to the back door and upon entering my kitchen found that my ferrets discovered several bags of packing peanuts while I was in my room reading emails. I am sure it was Tauvi who found them first and instigated the field of white. I sat down on the floor and watched while the six of them scooted through the peanuts, pushing them and then hopping wildly through them taking delight in the way they scattered. The static would build up in peanuts and they would stick to the ferrets coats. They little fuzzbutts would get excited as the little white monsters stuck to them. Such amusement. It only goes to prove if observe what goes on around us, we can find entertainment without turning on the TV.

Bad Children / Angry Mother

From the Associated Press
First 3rd of the article

From its beginnings, New Orleans has viewed the surrounding wetlands and Mississippi River as the logical places for its waste. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the city again is turning to the swamp.
East of the city's residential neighborhoods lies a large tract of swamp land that has been turned into an industrial corridor. Even before Katrina it was besmirched with scrap metal and used parts yards, rust-colored streams and dead cypress trees.
Making matters worse, environmentalists warn, is that the mounds of debris from Katrina also are winding up here.
Already, illegal dumping goes on in plain sight. On one road, a pile of paint cans, telephone poles, biological hazard bags and insulation reaches several feet high. Some of it has been pushed into the swamp next to the road.

Hmmmmmm ..................................

We build cities on lands that were meant to be under water.
We build levees to hold back water.
We run pumps to keep water out.
We buildland fills and dump everything in them with no regard for what it will do.
We dump trash randomly into swamps and wetlands,because we don't know what else to do with it
We feel we own the land and earth we occupy.

No wonder mother nature has been so angry.

Looking For Handouts

I don't get it................
If you were to come into my house during hurricane season you could look around and find the pretty close to the following items.
5 flashlights
10 candles that will burn for 7-10 hours each
2 lighters
6 gallons of water
6 pitchers that will hold a gallon of water
1 full ice bin with an ice chest ready to hold 12 gallons worth of ice.
3 non electric can openers
1 full tank of propane for the grill
1 mini canister of propane for a portable grill
28 cans of soup, pasta, chilli, and meats
10 cans of fruit
5 bottles of soda
2 weeks worth of cat food ( for the cats and ferrets of course)

Now I figure if a hurricane hits and I don't need to evacuate....this should get me, my son, and the critters through at least 2 weeks. By then, hopefully, there will be access to food and water elsewhere, or I have the opportunity to get out of Dodge. Its not that hard to plan, and its not that hard to keep those supplies around. If a hurricane hits, I have to be prepared to take care of myself and my family. It is my responsibility. I figure if the electricity goes out, then we start on the food in the fridge first......cook it on the grill and eat away. Next is the freezer since that will actually keep for a few days, then the canned food. Some things will actually require some prepping........ like making ice, filling the water pitchers etc, but its not like you don't get enough warning these days. The forecasts are reasonably accurate, sometimes to my amazement. Now if I am told to evacuate.......I am boarding up my windows (plywood is stored) packing up the afore mentioned supplies, irreplaceable mementos, important papers, the kid and the critters and heading out........way out......... Possibly to my brothers in SC or to my fathers in VA.

So why is it that so many people don't prepare and figure they will wait for government handouts, such as food, water and ice? 2 days after the hurricane and people are whining because they have to wait hours and hours in line for the basics..... did they not prepare? Did they not read the paper, see the television, or listen to the radio? All which were saying a hurricane was coming and for how many days did Florida painstakingly wait for it to turn from Mexico and come this way? Hellooooooooo??? Why did all these people in South Florida have less than a 2 day supply of provisions? What if the storm had been as bad as Katrina and made the roads impassable. What if the relief trucks couldn't get through for a week or more? What would these people have done? Most importantly, when did it become the governments responsibility to bail us out.? I always though it was help and relief that the government provided..... not support. Can you imagine these people living in Guatemala? Americans are becoming soft and losing their self sufficiency. Whatever happened to taking care of yourself. I guess that went out with the days of being responsible for your own actions.

I guess that those of us that find strength in ourselves, think for ourselves and take care of ourselves are a rare breed.

Little Thief

The cat food that we leave outside for mittens has been disappearing rather quickly. I thought another cat was eating the food so we started putting the food out only when Mittens showed up. With the cooler weather I had left the front door open and was letting the breeze come through the screen door. Last night as I sat in the living room watching TV, I heard some noises outside on the porch. I had fed Mittens about 30 minutes earlier and I knew there was a little bit of food left. I got up to see the culprit and what I found outside was the above critter. Peter has named him Awesome Possum.

Cool Nights

Wow Hurricane Wilma slams through and leaves us with cool temperatures. My AC is off and the windows are open. Ahhhhhhhhhhh fresh air to clean out the staleness of the house. The ferrets and the cats can't get enough of it.

When Does It End?

So to fill in any holes....... my mother and father have been in divorce court for 15 years......yes 15 years. My dad was paying alimony and child support like a good boy and when my sister and brother went to college he paid for that. Eventually all the kids were gone and he retired to a quiet life with his new wife in the hills of VA. When he retired he no longer wanted to pay alimony as the only income he had was his pension, which my mother got half of, and his social security check. My mother wanted to continue getting money so off to court they went, where they have battled it out for the last 15 years. Recently my father was thrown in jail for failure to pay alimony as he had been given a year to come up with a reasonable settlement. He made many offers and it seems none of them reached my mother, as her lawyer didn't think they were adequate. Well he eventually got a letter to report to jail, which he did. I learned of it 3 days after he went in, by a letter he mailed out to all his children.
Us kids have always stayed out of it and for the most part they kept us out of it..... but this I couldn't. So I talked to my dads wife to find out what had been offered and went to my mother....after several back and forths, they came to an agreement and we let the lawyers fill out the legal documents so that this could come to an end. Great....Mom got her settlement and a small monthly alimony and dad got his get out of jail card. You would think this to be the end of it right? NOT! I was sent some legal paper work for her to sign so that the case would be closed in FL as well. She got really pissed. She didn't like the fact that he was making it so she could not come back on him in future years. She particularly didn't like that clause that said she could not take him back to court for any further monies unless he stopped paying. I told her that if she signed the Va papers what was the problem with signing the Fl papers....her response was... "What if I get wiped out by a hurricane?"
Me: "Its not his responsibility"
Mother: " So what am I supposed to do?"
Me: "Thats what insurance is for and your other family members"
Mother: "He owes me. We were married"
Me "Were is the opprative word"
Mother: "And what about you?"
Me: "We'll if your wiped out by a hurricane, more than likely I will too. After all I only live
5 miles down the road. I am sure we would share a temp home untill all was fixed,
well, as long as you can deal with a teenager."
Mother: "Well thats all was your fault!"

( And that is a whole other story!)

So when does one person stop owing another person everything?

Why can't people drop the bitterness and move on with their own life?

Don't they realize that if they do, they will be happier? Dwelling on the crap that happened in the past only drags you down.

And why are some people so vindictive? Does it go back to their bitterness?

Ugh!

Oh yipeeeeee.......another hurricane on its way. I need to move.

Quick Quip

Geeeeeez!!! My kid is such a baby when he doesn't feel well. He whines more than Inglenook. I can't stand being around him when he is like this.

Sundown

I have been thinking a lot about sunsets...........
I would guess that it is because I now only work a short distance from a beach. I have pondered many times making a right turn toward the coast, but instead, everytime I get to that specific traffic light, I chicken out and go home. I still, just can't seem to do it. Ya know whats really silly? I haven't been able to watch Stargate. Pete introduced me to that show and we watched it together, every Friday....... The things we do to oursleves because of memories....................

Karma

I had to laugh at my son.

Tonight we were watching tv and a show came on called "Earl". Now if you haven't seen it or its previews, it about a guy who noticed that everytime something good happened to him, it was followed by something bad......really bad. He figures it is due to the fact that he did a lot of really shitty things to people through his entire life, so he figures in order to get good, without the bad, he give back to all those he took from. Sounds like karma to me.... you reap what you sew, you get what you give, what goes around comes around, and so forth. I have always been a firm believer in this. I always tell Peter to let things go when he wants revenge ...like when his car got egged. I tell him that in due time those responsible will get payback and to just let it go.....he tells me he is tired of my preaching and he is tired of hearing about karma.

My point????

He liked the show and watched 4 episodes with me..................

A Question Asked

I have a bumpersticker on my truck that reads: My "heart" belongs to a fireman. An aquaintance that I ran into Saturday said, "Your gonna scrape that bumber sticker off, aren't you?" I remember looking at the bumper sticker and then looking at her..... I said, "No...... he still has it." It was just what naturally came out of my mouth, and what was the truth. For the rest of the weekend I thought about Pete.
I called his old cell #.
A photographer has it now.
I called his house #.
It is in use.
Neither had been removed from cell phone. I can't bare to take them out. I thought, how can the world go on, when mine has stopped? Now, I do realize that the world does not revolve around me but this personal crisis, at times, still knocks me to my knees, and it seems that everyone should notice. Selfish, I know, but this is the biggest crisis and most painful that I have ever been through.

Sometimes I wonder why my friends still bother with me when I get into these moods. I know they don't understand, and I know they probably thinks to themselves....its time to get over it, but it just isn't that easy. I guess that is what makes them my friends.

I know I am trying to redefine who I am. Its not easy.

So while my world is frozen in time.....the rest of life moves on........ wouldn't it be weird if I came out of my coma in 2020....................................

Hockey At Last!

Ahhhhhhhhhh the sound of skates cutting ice, the slap of a stick on a puck, and the grunt of men as they pound into each other...........

I went to a preseason hockey game with Fred and Peter last night. When I walked into the Ice Palace it was like returning home. While the game was not that exciting, after all the new players are still being tested, while tried and true sit the bench, it was great to watch. I sure hope Burke steps it up a notch on his goaltending. It was a let down when Khabi didn't resign with the lightning, but I think Grahame wants to prove something and he was great as backup last playing season, so we can hopefully remain stong in the goal.

We hung out at Shots (an outside bar at the Palace) after the game and rubble rubble, the booze burgler was back as well. He must have had a dry season last year. Not having hockey really must have cut into his drinking habit. We all chuckled as he made his rounds.

Teenagers

I am so tired of dealing with teenager mentality.
I am really beginning to loathe them. I got up today and had a calm quiet morning and early afternoon, then I go outside to go to the grocery store and what do I find, my car and Peters car have been egged. WTF. I am so tired of this bullshit crap. I am sure that Peter's car was the target, and mine was hit because it is parked next to his, but I am tired of this shit....... I mean really tired of it....... Six months ago it was condoms and douche bottles all over the yard and smeared on the house....... then it was someone driving through the front yard after a heavy rain and tearing up the lawn.

What the fuck is wrong with these kids??

Why do they have no respect for private property?

Do their parents not keep up on when they are out? ( It happened after midnight)

I am trying to believe that karma will pay them back, but it still is pissing me off. Quite frankly I would like to knock them clear into next week.............or should I just say knock the snot out of them.

Waiting

My sister lives in Texas......Onalaska Tx..... we haven't heard from her yet, but hope all is well. I understand that phones are down, electricity is down, and so are cell towers. Only thing that worries me is that they had serious problems with the Livingston Dam and some areas were evacuated. Most problems in the area were down trees and the listed utility outages. I am sure all is well and we will hear from her soon

Quick Quips and One Not So Quick

QUICK

• My son and his girlfriend decided they wanted to spend time with me. We rented some movies and bought some pizza and bonded.

• Whats wrong in blog land? None of my regular reads are updating and even my favorite commentors aren't commenting, on mine or the others.

• When will humans learn that mother nature rules the earth. We can create great cities in places they were never meant to be, but she will take back the land when she wants it.

NOT SO QUICK

A week at my new job and so far I like it.
I feel comfortable.
I like the people.
I like the fact that I used less than half a tank of gas, where I use to use a full tank.
I like that I get paid every week.
I like that there are animals in the office......1 dog, and 2 cats.
I like that I can wear jeans and shorts to work.
I like that, while I have things to learn, they don't hesitate to throw things on my desk and say,
"Here..... handle it." knowing I can.
I think I can stay here for some time to come........

Dressed Up......Kinda

Well I promised pictures of Peter actually dressed up, but notice the loosness of the tie, baseball hat and his shoes....... I guess I will never win in getting him fully dressed up from head to toe. It passed his girlfriends inspection so I guess I will take this............ maybe at the prom we will be more thorough.

Homecoming

Peter's girlfriend wants to go to Homecoming and of course is dragging Peter aloong. We had to go out and buy him some nice clothes to wear, and ones that meet Jenny's approval on what she wants him in. Easy enough.....
black shoes,
black pants,
black shirt
and a tie the color of her dress.

Check
Check
Check and
Check

I can't wait to see him dressed up......last time he had on dress clothes was for my brothers wedding........ Peter was 11, I think.

Pictures to follow after the event on Saturday...........

Notice

Today I gave my notice at work.

I start a new job Monday.

This is scary for me......while I have been unhappy at work for some time now it is stil something familiar....... something that is there and has been there for over 7 years. We humans, are creatures of habit and change makes us uncomfortable. But I guess life is kinda like a set of monkey bars, each rung is a time in our life, and at some point you have to let go of one to move forwrd to the next. It is scary as we swing suspended by only one hand knowing that we have to grab the next. If we miss grabbing the next bar, will we fall, or do we have enough in us to continue to hold on with one hand while we figure out how to get our grasp with the other? I hope to find that I will have that firm hold as I believe that this new job is the only way to move forward....... no layoff worries and more money within 6 months.

A great book recomendation that helps deal with corporate change....... Who Moved My Cheese.

And another thought for today....
On a bottle of Aquafina: Pure Water-Perfect Taste
Shouldn't that be Perfect lack of taste?

Quick Quips

• Peter finally is working again. He got a job laying cable and fiber optics, and get this: Its a full time job, 40 hours plus OT and its a Mon thru Fri 8-5.
• My dad is in jail for alimony issues. My mothers friggin lawyer was given several offers for payment and on behalf of my mother turned them all down. He NEVER even consulted her! I called my mom and told her and is she PISSED! This is not a humorous issue, but, I never thought I would see the day when I was getting my father out of jail................
• Possible new job in the future........................
• I have volunteered to foster rescued pets; small exotics- ferrets, snakes, lizzards, etc, from Katrina. The SPCA was happy for volunteers who were knowledgable with these animals. No visitors as of yet.
• Watch out when using a debit card at gas stations.... Hess currently puts a hold of $75.00, of your hard earned money until your gas purchase clears......this could be anywhere from 1 to 3 bussiness days.

Quick Quip - A Common Gripe These Days

Gas!!

UGH!!

• I quit using my air conditioning just to save gas..... makes for more laundry.
• Reports are all over the US that people are actually calling into work, saying they can't get in, because they have no gas, and no money to buy any.
• People are being stranded along side the road because they run out of gas because they either don't have the money to buy it or pushed their car as far as possible, in order to not have to buy it.
• People are making choices between food and gas. (Me included)
  
  Oil companies reported record profits. When will the gov't regulate prices so that gas companies quit ripping off the public?

PA Trip

So I am back from PA. I have mixed emotions about the trip. Marge and Gordy were the best of hosts. I greatly enjoyed their company. It rained at least half the time I was there so we really didn’t get to do much and spent a lot of time loafing in front of the tv. When the sun was shining it was beautiful outside. No humidity, at least for us Floridians, a gentle breeze and just perfect so that shorts and t-shirts were appropriate with no sweat temperatures. The evenings would dip a bit cooler and almost required a light jacket. The first day of sun Marge took me to Pete’s grave….. I miss not having a place to go…. Then we went and visited Pete’s mom. That was rather depressing as she offered Marge and me a group of photos to go through and to take what we wanted. The rest would be burned. The were all photos of Pete and/or Joaquin, his dad, who had past 2 years earlier, almost to the day.. She is trying so hard to forget… and it seems her way to forget is to almost wipe out their existence. I guess we each deal with death in our own way, but I would think her way would make it hurt more because while photos and objects can be removed and wiped out, the memories can’t be erased. I choose to do the opposite. I have photos and personal belongings of his all over, and maybe this also prolongs the pain, because of the daily reminder, but I find comfort knowing that someone like Pete was in my life…. Someone who made a difference in my, and in Peter’s life.
On Tuesday I went to Westminster College where Pete went to school. The campus is small, quaint, and peaceful. It is made up of small…old stone and brick buildings. Marge also took to Slippery Rock, where she went to college. It is also made up of older buildings which have such charm and history about them.
Wednesday and Thursday continued to rain and I just hung out…watching tv, reading and surfing the internet, and had many a long conversations with Margie. Friday finally afforded me some sun and beautiful weather so I gave Marge and Gordy a break to have some time off from my presence and went back to the cemetery and sat with Pete and read a book. I found peace and tranquility in this, like I had never felt before. I wish that feeling could hang around all the time. After about 3 hours I said my goodbyes to Pete, although strange I would do that as I talk to him everyday, and I went and spent the rest of the day with Pete’s mom. Things were a little better this trip over there. We talked about the past and what I hoped to see for Peter….. we went out to dinner and drove around to where her new condo was being built. She wanted to see the progress of it. She has decided to sell her house and to move into something more manageable. She had started to do this before Pete had passed away. He had taken her around to look at several places and they had decided this particular place was the best for her. It is close to shopping and the condos are 55 and over so she will have a shuttle van to take her places. After that we went back to her house and watched tv and talked some more. Saturday evening I flew home.
Today I am left with a huge sense of loss…… as if everything happened yesterday. I realize that I still look in to peoples faces hoping it will be Pete’s, hoping that he is still alive and this has all been a mistake, that happier days will reign again and that I will no longer feel this emptiness. My head knows the truth but my heart still hopes.

…..and being back to the reality of the real world sucks……… when’s my next vacation?

Pathfinder

You learn to take a little bit
extra on the in-breath
just in case you come up short
when heartbreak comes.

You learn to lean a little
less than most, just enough
to catch yourself and keep a balance
should you start to fall toward the abyss.

You learn to love a little
more intensly should life
send grief to poke you in the eye
and a golden momment pass unseen.

You learn to speak the language
of the heart more clearly
to the ones you love just because
there's so many ways the nihgt can come
and stop you in your tracks,

so many ways the boot
can crush the rose.

Marilyn Houston

Outta State

So I am here in PA...... ahhhhhhhhhhh such cool weather compared to Fla. Its rained the first day here but thats ok.... it was still nice in the morning sitting in Margies back yard sipping coffee in my PJs and talking. I like staying here... Margies husband is pretty cool.... and have you ever met one of those couples that are just so incredibly made for each other. I love to watch their interactions. But enough... thought I would just touch base. Tomorrow I am off to visit Petes grave and to visit his mom........... hugs and kisses to my friends that I hold so dear......

A Year Gone By

I was flipping through my date book and found myself staring at the month of August. Not so much the month, but the name, the time of year. It has been almost a year since Pete died and it isn’t so much that I haven’t counted each month that has gone by since he passed away, because I have, but that it’s a year now. I still bare that heavy heart that was given to me last August and I have shed enough tears to flood the Sahara Desert. With his death I have learned many lessons, some harsh.
** Alcohol does numb the pain. I understand why people get lost in it when they don’t want to face reality. In large quantities it helps you forget. It allows you to fall asleep into a restless sleep, yes restless, but it is better than being awake and tossing and turning. It takes a sharp mind and puts it to sleep, allowing moments of forgetfulness.
** Most of the “couples” you hung out with no longer wish to hang out. Your singleness scares them. They start making up excuses and eventually you never see them again.
** While your head remembers vividly for a long time to come. Your friends forget much sooner and don’t understand your mood swings 6 months down the road let alone 12 or 18.
** The only thing I can imagine being worse than losing a spouse or significant other, is losing a child.
** Many people will come to the service and offer you help, but take it all with a grain of salt, because most will scatter and hide a day after the offer is out.

** Don’t let anyone dictate how you should feel. Only you know when you are able to take the next step.

Life itself has become very different. Sometimes when I go out to eat by myself, I look around and feel that I could be swallowed up by the emptiness I feel. I think about the future that won’t ever happen and what I have lost. I know I have become more of a homebody. Those spur of the moment things Pete and I used to do are no longer done. Random trips to the coffee house, Barnes and Nobles, and Bay Walk just don’t happen. I still have not been able to take myself to the beach to watch a sunset. Life has become predictable and routine, and I know this has drug me down, but still, a year later, see no way out.
I miss having someone holding me close at night.
I miss having someone to talk to at any time of the day or night.
I miss his hugs.
I miss coming home from work and finding dinner on the table.
I even miss the arguing between Pete and Peter.
Mostly I miss my best friend.
I think of the times I have watched movies and in them a spouse has died and at some point a person will say…. “It’s been a year. Its ok to date, you should be ready.” In truth, it doesn’t work that way. In truth it really does feel like a part of you has been ripped away, and you wonder if you will ever feel whole again. There are also those who will say, “You weren’t married.” No we weren’t but I knew him for 9 years, dated for 8 of that and lived together for 4. A piece of paper doesn’t make a damn bit of difference in emotions. You desperately want the closeness, but the thought of it with another still is not acceptable. Such a harsh conflict………………….
Losing a spouse or significant other is nothing I would wish on anyone, although it will happen to almost all of us in time. I look at those who throw away a marriage and wonder why. For every one that is thrown away there is another destroyed by death. I sit and think how unfair it is that I should suffer while others throw away what I long for.
But life goes on, and I must do the same………so each day I get up and think of one thing that makes the day worth while, and maybe, if I get out of bed for that one thing, I will be surprised and some event will happen to put the wind back in my sails.

Money Blues

Damn this month has been expensive!!!
1. A visit to Universal - so not worth the money
2. An escrow shortage
3. Peters Car Insurance since he is unemployed
4. Bill for blood tests
5. Magazine subscription renewals
6. New starter for truck

Now I really belong in the poor house. :(
Ya I know you probably want some cheese with that whine.

Quick Quips

It struck me today that I give my son too much credit for having common sense. He had to be at the courthouse today and he parked in a city lot with meters that was in front of the courthouse. He complained... loudly.... when he got a parking ticket. I asked if he put any money in the meter and he replied "no." He didn't think he had to put any money in the meter since he was required to show up at the courthouse and parked in the courthouse lot.

All my favorite bloggers must be in a dry spell. No ones posting. Ya, I know, I must be easily amused.

I am trying to learn some basic HTML so I can add a few things to my blog. Nothing fancy, just maybe a "Quote over heard" section on the side bar.

Woohooooo!!! Off to PA next week.

Memory Lane

I lay asleep in my bed this morning, a light sleep, and was awoken when I heard the paper delivery guy driving through the neighborhood. Phffffffffffwwwwwwwt thump....... as the paper landed in the neighbors yard. I pictured they guy driving down the middle of the road, slinging papers out of his car windows...... and I drifted off to my teenage years.......... when I was 12. I was remembering my brother and I getting up at 3:30 in the morning to deliver our papers. We delivered the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Company policy stated that papers were to be delivered by 6AM. We went out to the end of the driveway to retrieve the papers that the driver had just dropped off, loaded them into the large metal rack baskets that sat over the back wheel of our bikes, and headed off into the early morning air. Some days that air was warm, giving telltale signs of what the summer day would bring, other days it was cold and crisp and you knew snow was on the way. I would make $15.00 a week from my paper route. I had 35 customers. Papers were to be placed in the location the customer specified.......between the doors, in a milk box, on the side patio. Some driveways were long, or up a hill. It didn't matter, the paper was put where the customer had easy access to get it. Every Saturday and Sunday I would go around and collect my money.......actually knock on the door and state "collecting - Cleveland Plain Dealer" On mondays the account reps drove around collecting the company's share of the money. In 1974 at 12 years old, I felt rich with $15.00 in my pocket...... All these jobs are gone today..... no wonder teaching responsibility to young kids is getting harder and harder to do.

New Fuzzbutts

So here we are!! We thought we would sneak on to mom's computer and introduce ourselves. We've been named Mr Woozle (left) and Nismo (right). We love our new home. Our life had gotten pretty rough. We had been thrown out of our house and we were found by the SPCA, hiding in a ladies shed. We hadn't eaten in a long time and water was hard to find. Bugs were eating us and our hair was falling out. We were taken to a shelter and given a nice warm bed and lots to eat and drink. We got better but even when we came to our new home, mom kept saying we needed to fatten up and get more hair. Just after we got here we both got really really sick and couldn't stop coughing and wheezing. Mom was really worried and kept feeding us vitamins and ground up duck meat along with our other food. After 2 weeks we started to feel better and mom squealed with delight the first time we did a dance for her. Now we run around and get into everything. Our cage is awesome and we love the girls that already live here. ;)

Theme Parks

I went to Universal Studios this weekend. I haven’t been to a theme park in ages, about 10 years, and I had never been to Universal. I found it over priced, too crowded, and hard to get around. While I enjoyed my family’s company, I did not find the park worth the $70.00 to get in, not to mention the added cost of the express passes to shorten the wait time. Without the express pass, don’t waste your time going. And have you ever tried walking through a crowded park with a wheelchair or stroller. People don’t care that you have a lethal weapon in which to knock them down. And Jamaicans aren’t as laid back as everyone makes them out to be. Imagine if you will 5 of us walking through the park…. I pushing a wheelchair……a man cuts in front of me and I can’t stop in time and hit him in the ankle.

Me: I’m sorry

Jamaican Man: Sorry means nothing!

Me: Excuse me?

JM: (yelling) I said sorry means nothing!

Me: I’m sorry? You said what?

JM: (Yelling louder) In my country you kill someone and people say I’m sorry. It means nothing. You hit me and you cut me!

Me: (sternly) No…sir. You walked in front of the wheelchair. You caused yourself to get hurt. I apologized to be polite.

JM: (still yelling) Your apology means nothing……..

Me: (cutting off JM and starting to raise my voice) OK! OK! I don’t apologize. You’re an asshole and fuck you!

About that time a park attendant came up and intervened escorting the JM to the side and motioning us to move on.
It makes for such a fun day… Seventy dollars to go into a park to be abused by and ignorant asshole. I was disappointed all around. Next time I will bank the money, buy some booze and throw a BBQ in my back yard.

Quick Quips

Driving down the road today I drove up on a car with a save the dolphins license plate. As I stopped next to her at the traffic light she flicked her cigarette butt out of the car. Message I get....save a dolphin......litter the land.

I got 2 new ferrets.

I just got back to work and I am ready for another vacation. Work sucks!

A new line I heard from a fellow blogger and love:
Some people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything......
But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs

I bought a new cell phone a bit ago and was down loading ringtones, I actually caught myself searching for one to use for Pete.

Reminders

It is strange how simple everyday things can trigger memories……. Not always pleasant ones…I sat down to snack on some cheese and crackers this weekend, simple enough. I placed my square piece of cheddar cheese on my Ritz cracker and just as I was placing it into my mouth, got a flashback of the last time I had eaten cheese and crackers. It was last October……….I was at Pete’s house………… boxing up his personal belongings and cleaning out his house. There was a knock on the door and an elderly lady stood in the entryway. She knew I was there doing a task no one wants to do and thought I might be forgetting to eat something. She had brought over cheese and crackers soda, and some fruit. It was weird the way that thought went trough my head. Funny thing about it is that it made me feel those sad, unhappy feelings I felt at that very moment in time. Ya know…… sometimes life can really suck.

Mistakes Twice Done

UNBELIEVABLE!!!

I was reading national headlines and was aghast when I read that Hanoi Jane was at it again. I thought people learned from their mistakes, especially big mistakes. She is talking about taking a bus on tour to protest the war....... I would have thought she would have learned to keep her traitorous nose out of politics. I believe it would be safe to say that people have not forgotten what she did and that she will not be well received. Maybe we should throw her out of the country this time…….. maybe to Iraq, lets see how long it is before she is raped and beheaded. Bitch. I can’t believe that after being responsible for demoralizing, angering and being personally responsible for the deaths of POWs that she would travel down this path again. There are too many who remember, and too many who didn’t and won’t forgive. I just don’t get how a person can be so incredibly stupid and moronic as to commit the same huge, enormous, and despicable mistake a second time.

Back

So it has been awhile. I was in Virginia for close to 2 weeks, getting some R&R. Boy did I need it and I coulda used more. The trip was great and coming back to reality sucks, especially my reality. I have never cared for living in Florida, but every trip away from the area reminds me of just how much. Of course life here could be a little more appealing if I didn’t have such a crappy job.

Back to the vacation........ Does this place not look peaceful and serene?

I get lost here...I have no sense of time or what day it is. I love to go hiking in the woods, or sit by the river and watch the deer and beavers do their thing. There is a train on the other side of the river and it runs tobacco back and forth between the fields and processing plants. I love the sound of the whistle and the wheels on the track. It is a soothing sound. It relaxes. The other commom noises heard in this land of paradise is the squak of the peacocks and the chattering of the guinea hens. They mostly strut about the land keeping the yard free of ticks and other bugs. They chase each other and can be rather entertaining to watch. The Guinea hens like to pick on the peacock, who's name is Blue, and pull his feathers out. Blue just showed up one day last year out of nowhere and sticks around because he knows there is always food to be had. There is another one but he is kept in a large pen with his three ladies, his name is Fred.
While we were there we built a retaining wall to help hold up the hillside that the house sits on. and stained a fence. A rather light load this year.


Spent the 4th of July at Poplar Forrest. It is the summer home of Thomas Jefferson. A must see for any history buff. Here we poked around at the displays of toys, laces, beading and other crafts of the time. At 3PM Thomas Jefferson came out and read the Declaration of Independence and spoke some words about his life and wishes for the future. Kinda cool.

I really just spent most of my time chillin ...you know...fishing, hiking, nature watching and just sitting at an outdoor table with a river view chugging Killians, eating peanuts, and chatting with my brother, son, father and father's wife.

Sweet!

Lost Souls of the Animal World

This is Mittens......Peter named him...I call him a lost soul. He is a homeless cat that has wandered the neighborhood for at least as long as we have been in it. He is an old man and has many battle wounds to show for it.He once was plump and always quick, but has started to show age and is not able to provide for himself like he used to. He has become a regular fixture on my front porch and has allowed me to get within a foot of him. Sometimes he is battered and bleedingand looking for a kind word, other times he is just looking for a quiet place to rest.He has come to give me a small amount of trust and has adopted me and looks to me for food when he can't catch enough. I keep fresh water nearby. I look at him and wonder what his life has been like. I feel sad. I look at thrown away animals and wonder if they ever knew a gentle touch, a warm bed, or kisses of affection. I look at Mittens and wish I could give him a simple scratch behind the ears, a rub under the chin. I will have to settle knowing that he is keeping his stomach full and can seek shelter from the sun and rain under the house. Maybe he is not so lost, after all, he found his way to my house.

A Spirit In Flight

Today something remarkable happened, or at least I thought so. The neighborhood is filled with mocking birds and it is nesting time. We must have at least 2 in the yard and I love to sit on my deck and watch the birds swoop and nip and snickers, our cat, as they defend their territory and nests. The cat has gotten so use to the birds diving at him that he barely notices them anymore. The assaults usually come from the rear. Today he took notice of one that came at him from the front. He took a swipe and caught him. Peter ran to its rescue and saved it from his mouth. No broken bones....no puncture marks. I held the bird for almost 30 minutes and slid drops of water down it's beak. It slowly seemed to gain back its senses and tried to take flight. I managed to get about 10 feet and flopped to the ground. I picked it up and after a few more attempts, flew up into the tree and found a perch, eventually taking flight and heading off to recoup in its nest.

Final Cut

Have you seen this one?
If not it is a movie about microchips implanted into children prior to birth and it records all the sights and sound through ones life, all to be edited into a tribute to ones life when they pass on. The plot was underdeveloped but the story idea was good.
What if this could really be done. We already have big brother watching. Would people really want more invasion? Think of all of the ramifications.

Excuse me.....we have a warrant for you implant information.

People of the jury....the implant that was in his head clearly shows he committed the crime as well as 15 others.

I want $5000.00 every month or I will sell the recordings of you naked/us having sex to Hustler.

It goes on an on.................. What about me being recorded against my wishes? What about my personal memories being opened to the public because they are also in someone elses head, because they were there? What about coming of age to find out the chip was in your head and your wishes are against it being there. Would we, as parents, have that right to have an implant put into our unborn childs head? I thought about the idea of my life being recorded, every minute of every day and it scared me. Every person has personal secrets. Every person has done something they regret. There are just some things in our lives that are not meant for others to see or know about.
And what about the cutters? (The people who edit the video for others to view once you have passed) They have a code.................

I. A cutter cannot sell or give away a Zoe footage.
II. A cutter cannot have a Zoe Implant.
III. A cutter cannot mix Zoe footage from different lives for a rememory.

.... but there are always those who can be bought off. Or what if they are a pervert who uses the footage of sex or a child bathing for their own way of getting off? But even more so I can see all the legal battles over the recorded memories. Arguments on weither they can be used against one's self in a court of law. Can the courts force you to give up a recorded memory if you were a witness to a crime? How might your life be endangered if a criminal knew they were being recorded through a persons chip? And how would humans act if they thought they were being recorded all the time through someone elses eyes? Would we have a tendancy to shy away from people if we knew they had a chip in them? To me, the negative invasion, of my personal life, far outweighs whatever warm and fuzzy feelings my survivors might get from an edited version of my life. I think I would choose the traditional way of being remembered, what is in an individuals head and photos.

Rubber Necking - A Pet Peeve

Does this not irk you!?

I have a lengthy drive to and from work and would like to accomplish the task of getting from point A to point B in a reasonable time. Congestion is always an issue with all the constuction oin the area, and I can tolerate the occasional accident that happens. What gets my blood pressure up is the people who have to gawk at everything. Helloooooooo!! Don't you have some where to be??
As I drove home the other day, traffic was extremely backed up. The entrance ramp to the interstate was backed up all the way into the city. Usually this does not occur. I sat and pondered the severity of the accident that had created this mess............... must be at leats 3 cars involved and pretty traashed up. I wondered if there were any injuries and my mind wandered back to the accident on the bridge 2 months ago where the pick up rolled and it lay on its side with a sheet over the cab window. Hope this wasn't that bad. Traffic crawled ...... and my mind wondered about what to do for dinner, and should I watch a movie or read a book tonight. Eventually we got up to the area where the accident had occured.....5 miles and 40 minutes later........ I think I uttered the words "son uva bitch" The accident was on the other side of the median barrier and while damage was inflicted upon the autos, the people were all up and about. All the emergency vehicles were also on the other side. The entire back up for southbound traffic, was people, who had to slow down and take the grand tour! Hell why don't you just stop and interview the damn drivers! Crap! a 1 hour drive had doubled because a bunch of busybodies couldn't keep their mind on driving.
So now the question is why do people do this? Is there some fascination with seeing other peoples misfortune? Do they hope to see some grotesque, bloody scene? Do they like the look of twisted metal and shattered glass? Who knows, but I wish next time they would just move their ass so I can get home, make a cool refreshing beverage, and veg in front of my tv. Its much more enjoyable than sitting on the highway sucking in the exhaust fumes.

Attitude

Its amazing how one aspect of our life can affect our whole life. Work sucks, to be blunt, I have noticed the attitude I have at work, has carried over into the other parts of life. The "I don't give a shit" seems to be everywhere. Housework was going by the wayside. The yard was looking trashy. And I felt like I was starting to carry it over into my relationships with friends. This "whatever" outlook was really taking over. So this past weekend I realized I needed and attitude adjustment. I cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, edged, finished the fencing, and picked up the trash that had made its way into the yard. I decided that I would start seriously looking for a new job and would get my head back into my current job to at least accomplish the minimal tasks required of me.
While I dislike my job, I don't need the feelings I harbor toward it to spill out into the rest of my life. This outlook needed to be curbed. It was taking over and I was beginning to feel like the beer swilling slob that sits around in their underwear, watching tv. Hmmmmm, not a pretty picture. What I realize is that this is a self destruct mode, and if I don't do something about it, then everything else I do will take me further down the hole. So..... I have made the adjustment in my attutude .......................if for nothing else, for the sake of survival.

Quick Quips

DAMN!!!

I have a membership to Netflix and I really love it. I am getting sooooooo caught up on movies.

I rented Pearl Harbour....played the first disc and went to put in the second and it was broke clean through.

DAMN!

So here it is another hurricane season upon us.

My fence is new and my roof repaired. I do still have a tree that needs to come down, but I need to find a few fellas to help me with that. Most tree removal services wanted $600.00 to $800.00 to remove it. Nope ........ not paying that. If I had that kind of money I would have bought myself a generator first. Arlene, the first this season has already had Florida folks scrambling to stock up. Not that we expect a visit from her in these parts, but maybe people have finally started to learned that a storm can go where ever it pleases regardless of what humans have predicted. I am sure that there are those who figured we had a bad season last year so they are banking on the odds that we will not be bothered this year. Not what I would call a smart observation or prediction. I have taken the time to get water, batteries, candles, my plywood is in the shed, and I have new living arrangements should I need to evacuate, but truth be told, should another one come that requires evacuation..... I will face the strong possibility that my home will be a loss. As long as Peter, all my fuzzy children, and I are safe, then things are good. I have learned a lot over the last near, year that the material things mean nothing when your loved ones are alright.

Hopefully someone upstairs will watch over everything. :)

Cutest Fuzzies Ever

These guys just make my day some days. I can be feeling low and crappy as hell and these little fuzzbutts make me laugh and smile. They play and wrestle with each other and then start their weasel war dance to get me to join in. They give me kisses and and when tired will curl up and fall asleep in my lap. Who could resist those adorable faces?

In Regards to Customer Service

WOW!!!
The rainy season has begun and with that the next hurricane season. I had yet to repair my roof and I went up one day, replaced one shingle and said "no way." I called a roofer on the recomendation of my ex father in law and was I amazed. After all the crappy service I have gotten this was the total oppisite. I called on Sunday and got the answering machine as I had expected and left a message. Tuesday morning, Monday was a holiday, I got a return phone call. He said he would stop by and write up the estimate and leave it in my mailbox. He called me an hour and a half later and went over what he found. Even said they could start around 2 that day. OMG .... I was in shock. They completed the work the next morning. He even went so far as to call me back and tell me where the repairs were on the roof so I could go up and check it all out for myself.

Amazing........simply amazing.

Grieving as Fast as I Can

I noticed I had not blogged in awhile.........and I started to think why. And it dawned on me that I hadn't entered anything because I thought that anyone who reads this on a constant basis would think, "This again??" and then it occurred to me that it doesn't matter what others think of my blog entries, because I do it to write down my feelings and use it as a form of catharsis for whatever is going on within me. So with that being said, last week sucked. I was just so utterly depressed and the only thing I can think caused it was not dealing with Pete’s birthday. I kept myself so busy that I didn’t think about it. What I kept wondering was, “Why is this healing stuff taking so long?” That question had been in my head for so long just insisting on an answer……this is what was given to me………………

I was told that in losing Pete, I lost my best friend. I lost my movie partner, beach partner, concert going partner, and confidant. I lost my identity as a “couple”……… It was explained, I am not grieving the loss of a friend …………. I am grieving the loss of a spouse. This was an interesting thought and I know I must have had an odd look on my face, because it was further explained that just because two people do not get married and have the legalities of it, our living arrangements and time spent together were the same as any two people who were married. This was really quite enlightening to me……………………. So now when people tell me “I should get a life again and start dating”, or tell me “I should be over it” I know that they are wrong and my anger at their words is justified. I know that the pain is still very real and that love does not just “go away” with time. This is not a love that died by divorce, or died by incompatibility. It did not die from lack of time or interest waning. It was “love interrupted.” And now this leaves me with new questions to ponder and look to answer.

What I have now learned eases my mind some, and I now know that healing will progress at it own pace. No one can give a time frame on when things will be better. Deal with it one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. It is not just feeling better....it is dealing with guilt, that dating another person means you have forgotten. It is dealing with the change in your life style, in your finances, in the way you look at life and the way you deal with feeling that only half of you is here.

Time.........it is all up to time.

What has happened???

I blogged a few days ago about customer service in the fencing industy around my neck of the woods. It seems to me that it has become the norm to not care about the customers wants or needs. I went to a place of business today to have my oil changed and one of my front tires looked at due to a slow leak. I pulled in, and was greeted by a sign that said tires to the right, oil change to the left. Well I was having both done and figured the tire work was priority and chose the right lane. I waited by my truck and no one came to help me. I went in the store and asked the cashier for help. She asked if I had seen the service attendant and I replied no, that no one came to greet me or to help me out. SHe wwent and got a person from the garagae and they prceeded to discuss where the "attendant " was. Then they guy looks at me and asks if that is m truck parked in the right lane. I reply yes and I am told " Well thats why you didn't get service, your parked in the wrong lane." I looked at him and said" Your sign says tires to the right, and that is where I went. Do you want my business or not?"The guy looked at me and said, in a rather snotty tone, "We will have to find someone to check you in. " I just looked at him and told him not to bother that I wouldn't spend my money in a place that treated me in such a rude manner and I left. I went down the road to mmy auto dealer and was treated like I was the most valueable customer there was.
My question is .........What has happened to customer service? Are businesses doing so well that they just don't care if they offend?Do they think I enjoy being ignored or rudely treated? I don't know about anyone else but I will pay a higher price if it means I am treated well. And don't companies know that it takes forever to build a reputation of trust, but only a moment to destroy it? Or that people are more likely to speak of poor or crappy service than they will of good service. Is it that I just seem to be hitting the places that don't give a shit or is customer service going down hill real fast?

Today

Today I should be celebrating a birthday with someone.
But I am not.
Today should be a day of conversation, fun and laughter.
It Isn't
Today should be a dinner out and maybe a movie.
It won't be.
Today is Pete's birthday.
He would have been 36

Customer Service

I have finally gotten around to replacing my hurricane damaged fence. Six and a half weeks ago I called Home Depot to get a quote for materials and labor. They didn't show up. I called them and ranted to them and they set up another appointment. They again did not show. Over the next few weeks I called 4 different fencing companies to get stimates. Not a single one returned my call or came out to an appointment to give me what I wanted. I got tired of dealing with contractors and install service centers so I bought the fencing and will put the fence up myself. I built my decks, I can build a fence. What I can't understand is the lack of service from so many companies. Are they so busy they don't care?

On another note............................Welcome home Fred, now get back to blogging cause I've been really bored with nothing to read from you.

Messages from Beyond

Weither you believe or not doesn't matter.

I Do.

I was having one of my "bad" days, ones that are farther between now, but still all too common. I was about.....cleaning the house, trying to keep my mind busy so as not to think.......and had the radio on. It was on an adult soft rock station............. a song came on and it was one of those moments as if someone tells you to listen. It was one I had never heard before. It brought on a wave of emotion. When the song was over I ran to the computer to look it up. I truly believe it was Pete trying to let me know ...............................

Where You Are

"Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be (?)

That you are my

Forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

'Cause you are my

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up

To where you are

Beyond the distant star I

wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

I know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Quick Quip

What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? These are questions that everyone asks in life. If you're Douglas Adams the answer is 42. Why even ask this question. I believe that our purpose is whatever we make it to be. I look at what is around me and I see diversity. I believe the meaning of my life is to learn from all the diversity and to teach my son to accept it as well. If we could all teach one person that different is good, then what a change that would make in the world. I look at the people I surround myself with and I see a rich palette of color and I take pleasure in each one. How boring life would be if we only surrounded ourselves with people identical to us in religion, philosophy, color and opinion. Life would truly be black and white. ***********************************************

The Past Brought to the Present

A while back when Pete was alive, when he was making the job change between AMR and HCFR, I had carried him over on a month and a half of bills. He had decided to pay me back out of a trust fund account. At the time he went to write the check he was unable to find the check book. It started an argument.....not over the money but over the check book. We tore the house apart looking for it and never found it. As usual, when anything disappears or is misplaced, it was my fault. I had become accustomed, to both males in the house blaming me when they couldn't find something. It was my fault, in that while he left it on his desk, and I must have let one of the ferrets run off with it.........or it must have fallen off the desk, and I must have picked it up a put it some place while cleaning. I think there were another 3 or 4 reasons why it was my fault. Needless to say it was a bit of an argument and what was funny is that it wasn't over the fact I would have to wait to get paid beck, but that the checkbook was missing. I don't think I talked to Pete for a day because I was so pissed off that he made it out to be my fault. Eventually we both just forgot about it and it passed.

So whats the point, you ask??

I was looking for a photograph and was looking through the drawer on the table that Pete used for a desk. I was tired of standing so I pulled the drawer out and sat on the floor..... never found the photo but as I went to put the drawer back in, I saw something in the bottom of the drawer slot. I pulled it out and what was in my hand? The checkbook. The "you let the ferrets run off with it" checkbook. The "you must have put it someplace" checkbook. I smiled, then laughed. For the first time since he died, I felt as if Pete were here, with me. Maybe even giving me a belated, "I'm sorry," for the argument. I giggled over it for the rest of the evening.

CoWorker - Boss - CoWorker

On my way to work today, I used the drive time the way I usually do....thinking about insignificant topics that run around in my head. Today I was thinking about how the work atmosphere has become so casual between everyone. When we were ICI in its heyday, dress was the higher end of business casual, to business dress. Formalities were afforded to those in management positions and they were to be addressed as Mr, Ms, or Mrs. When Intermedia was sold to MCI things started to become more lax. We started to have "jeans" Fridays, and the stricter codes of conduct became less so. Intermedia was always a good place to work.......we were allowed social conversations and such, but it was a very strict policy of business first. Now its casual work clothes, and some girls even come in looking like cheap street walkers. There is a lot of chit chat, and non business conversation and plenty of time where work does not come first. Everyone is on a first name basis with everyone else. The interaction between people is also different, and I mean just plain different. I would imagine that much of that is due to the fact that with all the lay offs we have gone through, that your boss today could be a co worker tomorrow and vise versa. This change could take place several times with one person. But as an example.........one day T is my boss, he is friendly, but keeps himself in check, so that he is within the guide lines of professionalism of management. Lo and behold with lay offs he is now my co worker and wow!, look out! He is now Don Juan......... let the sexual undertones....aw hell, overtones begin. Now these really don't bother me........ I antagonize........ and as long as it stays in fun and jest we are cool. Shit I worked in a restaurant for what seems like an eon and things got raunchy back in the kitchen. But I have had it work the other way where a co worker has become a boss and with that the management professionalism is a little fainter. Anyway...... my whole point is that the line between boss and worker bee is smeared, blurry, and fading fast. I have found that the constant changes within the company have given everyone a better chance to know each other. There is more camaraderie. Work is more bear able. And in a lot of cases, I think that more work gets done. But I also think we are unique, or at least somewhat unique. You are the last 140 people in a company that was once 4000 people. There are alot of shared trials and tribulations ........ storms weathered.......bouts of survivors guilt. That will make the bond a little different in any group. Good ..... Bad..... I’m not making a judgment call. I'm just putting in writing what was in my head this morning.

Passing of a Furry Friend

Raini left us today.
Its been an up and down road for 3 weeks now and the time had finally come to let her go on her way. She had been diagnosed, several months ago with heart disease, thyroid problems as well as arthritis. She had been doing well on her medications until recently. Her health was slipping. She had gotten considerably skinnier, was hardly eating the pureed food we gave her and her saliva had a horrible odor that you could smell a foot away. When she walked she wobbled and often fell. Her eyes were dim. While her motor would still purr with every stroke of a hand on her head, and she would force out a meow when I walked in the room, it just didn't seem that there was quality. What is life without quality?
I remember the day we brought her home. Peter was 2 and we had gone to the SPCA because he wanted a kitty and I wanted a furry friend in the house. We got there and had looked at several cats when Peter let out a gasp of delight. There in the cage was a plump, round 20 lb cat with eyes that were as bright and alert as could be. Peter fell in love and we took her home. It was pouring rain non stop and hence came her name. She was a good kitty. When Peter would lay on the floor and watch cartoons, she would either snuggle with him or he would use her for a pillow. She always crawled into bed with him when it was time for him to go to sleep and she would sneak out after he had fallen off. They grew up together, and I have many memories of them cuddled up together. She was affectionate, gentle and mellow. 18 is a good long life for a cat..... I hope she was happy in her life. It only seems fitting that it rained the day she left my life.

Change and Morals

Back, a considerable time ago, in between the time I was making the decision to leave my husnband and his abusive ways, and before Pete, I was in need of a no strings attached relationship. I needed someone to tell me I was wanted and someone who could convince me I had some self worth. "A" was this person. Everything was impromptu and no phone calls between us. Both of us were married and both needed something we weren't finding at home. For me I needed to feel I had value, that I was interesting, and that someone could still see me as more than a personal belonging. The "no strings" was what was right for the relationship. We both had issues to deal with at home. No string meant neither of us was looking for a lasting relationship, but both of us were looking for something to spark the inner spirit that had died. It lasted about 7 months...... and it seemed we had both found our inner peace at about the same time. He decided things were worth working on at home and I had known Pete but we were starting to become interested in being more than friends.
"A" was that rebound relationship that allowed me to share everything I was with Pete. "A" was the one who taught me that being myself was ok and that anyone not liking me for who and what I was, was not worth my time. He brought happiness into my life that was saddly lacking and helped me find my self worth. Everything was always "right" with him. Everthing was always good.
I sat on my couch a week ago and realized it had been many months since we talked. It seemed that when ever one of us was blue, we would end up calling the other.........on occassions we had run into each other. It seems there would always be a strong bond there. So, last time I had talked to him, Pete was alive and "A" was split from his wife.......... So I thought I would give him a call to see how he was getting on. We talked for about 20 minutes and I finally asked if he had again worked things out. He said he was back living in the house and they were working on things. I was happy for him. He has a wonderful family. With that I realized I had made the call looking for more. I was looking for something open in the public eye, yet with no strings....... knowing this was not possible, I found a way to wind the coversation down and end the call. He means a lot to me, but the occasional conversation and run in will have to be all there is.

Quick Quips

Well Kitty has decided to make a recovery. She is eating again, although hard food is too much for her. She is once again moving about and acknowledging people when they come in. Guess she just isn't ready to go.

Diet still going strong....next weigh in is Monday AM

Work looks like it will last a little longer. They have decided to throw some special projects and that should extend us a minnimum of a year...maybe 2

When are we gonna get the perverts off the street. I am really tired of these whackos and sickos that are preying on our children. When will gov't deal with issues that are important instead of things like steroid use in sports. I think our youth is a little more important and with all these sad pathetic usless perverts stealing and raping our children, there is a serious subject to be broached. I say we castrate or lojack the assholes but then you will get the ACLU crying foul. Who was sticking up for the rights of our children when one of the pervs was snatching and molesting a 12 year old? ok don't getting me going on that subject casue I could rant on for a loooong time on what to do with sexual predators.

Til later..................................................

Misc Thoughts

OK so here I an at the end of week one of SouthBeach - 6 lbs lost.

One of my four cats, Raini, is not doing well. She is 18 and while I have been preparing myself for her passing it is hard to take. She will no longer take her meds and can't eat regular food. We are having to puree it. She has gotten very skinny ans I suppose I should have taken her to the vets this past weekend to be put down. She has improved a little in the last 3 days but not that there is real quality to her life. She still enjoys the pettings and brushings she has been getting and can manage to purr with approval, but she stays in one spot except to drink and use the litter box. I guess I need to spend time with her this week, and then, find the courage to let her go this weekend.

Job Possibility

Yesterday I had a phone interview. It was going very well. I have all the qualifications they are looking for and a few extra. One problem came up. They wanted someone to start, well basically, yesterday. I explained to them that I had to be able to give two weeks. While I did not care for the company I work for, the people I work with made it all tolerable and I could not just "leave" them. I was then told thank you for my time. I figured I would not hear from them again. Today I got another phone call asking me to come in to do a second interview with the person who hires. I was told they really liked my resume and they respected me for refusing to just walk away from my current job. So Tuesday, I have my interview.........only thing that could stop me from taking this would be if they are unable to meet my salary needs. They were on the resume, so ..........maybe thats a good sign.........................

Cravings

I am dieing here!!!!
I would love an asiago cheese bagel with veggie spread!

Diet Diet Diet

Yes I live on that merry-go-round. I have always had a hard time with my weight. I was a plump child and it wasn't until HS that I dropped my weight through dieting. During college I was anorexic looking. I was 128lbs. You could always see my rib cage, collar bone ,vertebrae and such, and when I see those photos I shiver. The sad thing is, that is what doctors kept telling me my ideal weight should be. I think they were wrong........ I think there were a lot of things that they did not take into consideration. So I look through a lot of photos and decided at what weight I was comfortable with myself and where I looked healthy. Pre marriage and kid years, I have decided. Many may cringe but for me it was 140 to 145. The skeletal look was gone...there was a glow in the skin and clothes didn't look like they were on a hanger. So that is my goal. I have already lost 40, but took a bit of a hiatus and maintained............... but now I am ready to lose the rest

So .....dust off the work out tapes and clean out the fridge.......

Questions??????

1. After a tragic event, does life ever become normal again?

2. When your job puts you into financial limbo, when do you take your life off of hold?

3. What do you say to people when you realize they have used you for their personal gain?

4. What do you do when you feel your sibling is constantly looking down upon you?

5. Do you ever feel like your bad Karma has come back and hit you way more than you ever
earned it??

6. Will men ever realize that size 12 thru 16 women aren't fat, but the norm?


7. At what point will my son realize I am smarter than he thinks?

8. If a mime is arrested, does he still have the right to remain silent?

Open Mouth - Insert Foot..........I am such an ass

At work today, I was talking with a friend when her son IM’d her …..simply the word “Loser”. We laughed and I mentioned that often when Peter calls me on the phone he will say “Hey Whats up ho?” A third person had joined the conversation and said that she wasn’t so sure she would like that. I told her it was all in fun and he knew when it was appropriate and when it was not. Then I proceeded to mention that I also will call him names, like, little prick, or gay boy……at that very moment I felt about the size of an inconspicuous dust ball. See…….. the third person who joined the conversation is gay. When the exchange of great wit was over I made a point to stop by her desk and apologize profusely.

Trash Trash Everywhere

My drive to work today was long and slow. Rain and accidents made for a drive that allowed one to take in your surroundings. Not too bad across the bridge but malfunction junction was really an eye sore. As we cruised at am amazing 10 to 15 mph with occasional stopping, I took in the scenery. Yuck! There was not a place to look that there was not trash, and I don't mean paper and plastic. I mean trash! As I looked around I saw paper cups, plastic bags, a car bumber, 10 gallon buckets, insulation, clothes, coolers, cooler lids, styrofoam, a bed liner, a dead possum, an air conditioner, a bed mattress and all kinds of other crap. Now I thought that maybe some of the problem is because of the construction in the area, but I believe that all the junk out there goes beyond that. What a way to greet people into Tampa Bay...........Hi! Welcome to Tampa! The trashiest city around. Why would the mayor or other city officials not care that people coming into Tampa, by way of I-4, will see this. After all first impressions are just that, and they are hard to overcome. My first impression would be.....I think I should go home.......

Jail Bird

Well Bernie Ebbers is to become a jail bird, guilty on all accounts. There was a slight uproar and round of applause at work when this was announced. My response was to ask if we could sentence him to the electric chair. As you can guess we are not fond of old Bernie here. We have lost jobs, morale, and pay raises thanks to him. There are still more jobs to cut. I expect this office will be gone in July. Well unless Verizon has something in mind but I am sure it is too early in the ball game to be saved by a decision at VZ. I can only hope that B.E. gets what he deserves, but I doubt it. Most rich peopple don't. They can still manage to buy their way out of it. As usual the hard workers suffer at the hands of the rich thieves. Where is Robin Hood??

As for me I guess I better bury my head back in the want ads. I would like to find something before I am escorted out the door.

Then and Now

Yesterday I was doing yard work……..Yes I finally managed to find motivation to do something other than sit on my ass over a weekend..Anyway I cleaned out the garden in back, trimmed the vines, painted the new door frame and mowed the lawn. Well at least what little lawn there is. While doing the last of these chores the power drive on the lawn mower quit working and I had to actually push the mower. Well that really set me to working hard. As the catcher got fuller it became harder and harder to push and I had to take frequent breaks to guzzle some water down and to catch my breath. On one of by breaks I sat and looked at the lawn mower and remembered the old push mower we had growing up, before gas mowers were popular or affordable, and well before self propelled mowers. You know…….the ones on 2 wheels and a cylinder, that ya had to keep up a good speed with and that you often had to go over the same spot twice. I couldn’t help but think how pitiful I was for cursing the mower for being broken……my dad would go out and mow a lawn that was at least 5 times the size of mine and it was on a hillsdie in Connecticut. (A hillside that in the winter we would park the cars down on the road because if the driveway iced over the cars would be in the road by morning.) I remember that it only took one summer of that old push mower for dad to give in and get a gas, but still he had to push…… ….
I often think how upset we get, when our toys and tools of modern technology break. I will remind myself of the way it used to be done and be thankful that I get to do things the easier way 98% of the time.