A Year Gone By

I was flipping through my date book and found myself staring at the month of August. Not so much the month, but the name, the time of year. It has been almost a year since Pete died and it isn’t so much that I haven’t counted each month that has gone by since he passed away, because I have, but that it’s a year now. I still bare that heavy heart that was given to me last August and I have shed enough tears to flood the Sahara Desert. With his death I have learned many lessons, some harsh.
** Alcohol does numb the pain. I understand why people get lost in it when they don’t want to face reality. In large quantities it helps you forget. It allows you to fall asleep into a restless sleep, yes restless, but it is better than being awake and tossing and turning. It takes a sharp mind and puts it to sleep, allowing moments of forgetfulness.
** Most of the “couples” you hung out with no longer wish to hang out. Your singleness scares them. They start making up excuses and eventually you never see them again.
** While your head remembers vividly for a long time to come. Your friends forget much sooner and don’t understand your mood swings 6 months down the road let alone 12 or 18.
** The only thing I can imagine being worse than losing a spouse or significant other, is losing a child.
** Many people will come to the service and offer you help, but take it all with a grain of salt, because most will scatter and hide a day after the offer is out.

** Don’t let anyone dictate how you should feel. Only you know when you are able to take the next step.

Life itself has become very different. Sometimes when I go out to eat by myself, I look around and feel that I could be swallowed up by the emptiness I feel. I think about the future that won’t ever happen and what I have lost. I know I have become more of a homebody. Those spur of the moment things Pete and I used to do are no longer done. Random trips to the coffee house, Barnes and Nobles, and Bay Walk just don’t happen. I still have not been able to take myself to the beach to watch a sunset. Life has become predictable and routine, and I know this has drug me down, but still, a year later, see no way out.
I miss having someone holding me close at night.
I miss having someone to talk to at any time of the day or night.
I miss his hugs.
I miss coming home from work and finding dinner on the table.
I even miss the arguing between Pete and Peter.
Mostly I miss my best friend.
I think of the times I have watched movies and in them a spouse has died and at some point a person will say…. “It’s been a year. Its ok to date, you should be ready.” In truth, it doesn’t work that way. In truth it really does feel like a part of you has been ripped away, and you wonder if you will ever feel whole again. There are also those who will say, “You weren’t married.” No we weren’t but I knew him for 9 years, dated for 8 of that and lived together for 4. A piece of paper doesn’t make a damn bit of difference in emotions. You desperately want the closeness, but the thought of it with another still is not acceptable. Such a harsh conflict………………….
Losing a spouse or significant other is nothing I would wish on anyone, although it will happen to almost all of us in time. I look at those who throw away a marriage and wonder why. For every one that is thrown away there is another destroyed by death. I sit and think how unfair it is that I should suffer while others throw away what I long for.
But life goes on, and I must do the same………so each day I get up and think of one thing that makes the day worth while, and maybe, if I get out of bed for that one thing, I will be surprised and some event will happen to put the wind back in my sails.

Money Blues

Damn this month has been expensive!!!
1. A visit to Universal - so not worth the money
2. An escrow shortage
3. Peters Car Insurance since he is unemployed
4. Bill for blood tests
5. Magazine subscription renewals
6. New starter for truck

Now I really belong in the poor house. :(
Ya I know you probably want some cheese with that whine.

Quick Quips

It struck me today that I give my son too much credit for having common sense. He had to be at the courthouse today and he parked in a city lot with meters that was in front of the courthouse. He complained... loudly.... when he got a parking ticket. I asked if he put any money in the meter and he replied "no." He didn't think he had to put any money in the meter since he was required to show up at the courthouse and parked in the courthouse lot.

All my favorite bloggers must be in a dry spell. No ones posting. Ya, I know, I must be easily amused.

I am trying to learn some basic HTML so I can add a few things to my blog. Nothing fancy, just maybe a "Quote over heard" section on the side bar.

Woohooooo!!! Off to PA next week.

Memory Lane

I lay asleep in my bed this morning, a light sleep, and was awoken when I heard the paper delivery guy driving through the neighborhood. Phffffffffffwwwwwwwt thump....... as the paper landed in the neighbors yard. I pictured they guy driving down the middle of the road, slinging papers out of his car windows...... and I drifted off to my teenage years.......... when I was 12. I was remembering my brother and I getting up at 3:30 in the morning to deliver our papers. We delivered the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Company policy stated that papers were to be delivered by 6AM. We went out to the end of the driveway to retrieve the papers that the driver had just dropped off, loaded them into the large metal rack baskets that sat over the back wheel of our bikes, and headed off into the early morning air. Some days that air was warm, giving telltale signs of what the summer day would bring, other days it was cold and crisp and you knew snow was on the way. I would make $15.00 a week from my paper route. I had 35 customers. Papers were to be placed in the location the customer specified.......between the doors, in a milk box, on the side patio. Some driveways were long, or up a hill. It didn't matter, the paper was put where the customer had easy access to get it. Every Saturday and Sunday I would go around and collect my money.......actually knock on the door and state "collecting - Cleveland Plain Dealer" On mondays the account reps drove around collecting the company's share of the money. In 1974 at 12 years old, I felt rich with $15.00 in my pocket...... All these jobs are gone today..... no wonder teaching responsibility to young kids is getting harder and harder to do.

New Fuzzbutts

So here we are!! We thought we would sneak on to mom's computer and introduce ourselves. We've been named Mr Woozle (left) and Nismo (right). We love our new home. Our life had gotten pretty rough. We had been thrown out of our house and we were found by the SPCA, hiding in a ladies shed. We hadn't eaten in a long time and water was hard to find. Bugs were eating us and our hair was falling out. We were taken to a shelter and given a nice warm bed and lots to eat and drink. We got better but even when we came to our new home, mom kept saying we needed to fatten up and get more hair. Just after we got here we both got really really sick and couldn't stop coughing and wheezing. Mom was really worried and kept feeding us vitamins and ground up duck meat along with our other food. After 2 weeks we started to feel better and mom squealed with delight the first time we did a dance for her. Now we run around and get into everything. Our cage is awesome and we love the girls that already live here. ;)

Theme Parks

I went to Universal Studios this weekend. I haven’t been to a theme park in ages, about 10 years, and I had never been to Universal. I found it over priced, too crowded, and hard to get around. While I enjoyed my family’s company, I did not find the park worth the $70.00 to get in, not to mention the added cost of the express passes to shorten the wait time. Without the express pass, don’t waste your time going. And have you ever tried walking through a crowded park with a wheelchair or stroller. People don’t care that you have a lethal weapon in which to knock them down. And Jamaicans aren’t as laid back as everyone makes them out to be. Imagine if you will 5 of us walking through the park…. I pushing a wheelchair……a man cuts in front of me and I can’t stop in time and hit him in the ankle.

Me: I’m sorry

Jamaican Man: Sorry means nothing!

Me: Excuse me?

JM: (yelling) I said sorry means nothing!

Me: I’m sorry? You said what?

JM: (Yelling louder) In my country you kill someone and people say I’m sorry. It means nothing. You hit me and you cut me!

Me: (sternly) No…sir. You walked in front of the wheelchair. You caused yourself to get hurt. I apologized to be polite.

JM: (still yelling) Your apology means nothing……..

Me: (cutting off JM and starting to raise my voice) OK! OK! I don’t apologize. You’re an asshole and fuck you!

About that time a park attendant came up and intervened escorting the JM to the side and motioning us to move on.
It makes for such a fun day… Seventy dollars to go into a park to be abused by and ignorant asshole. I was disappointed all around. Next time I will bank the money, buy some booze and throw a BBQ in my back yard.

Quick Quips

Driving down the road today I drove up on a car with a save the dolphins license plate. As I stopped next to her at the traffic light she flicked her cigarette butt out of the car. Message I get....save a dolphin......litter the land.

I got 2 new ferrets.

I just got back to work and I am ready for another vacation. Work sucks!

A new line I heard from a fellow blogger and love:
Some people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything......
But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs

I bought a new cell phone a bit ago and was down loading ringtones, I actually caught myself searching for one to use for Pete.

Reminders

It is strange how simple everyday things can trigger memories……. Not always pleasant ones…I sat down to snack on some cheese and crackers this weekend, simple enough. I placed my square piece of cheddar cheese on my Ritz cracker and just as I was placing it into my mouth, got a flashback of the last time I had eaten cheese and crackers. It was last October……….I was at Pete’s house………… boxing up his personal belongings and cleaning out his house. There was a knock on the door and an elderly lady stood in the entryway. She knew I was there doing a task no one wants to do and thought I might be forgetting to eat something. She had brought over cheese and crackers soda, and some fruit. It was weird the way that thought went trough my head. Funny thing about it is that it made me feel those sad, unhappy feelings I felt at that very moment in time. Ya know…… sometimes life can really suck.

Mistakes Twice Done

UNBELIEVABLE!!!

I was reading national headlines and was aghast when I read that Hanoi Jane was at it again. I thought people learned from their mistakes, especially big mistakes. She is talking about taking a bus on tour to protest the war....... I would have thought she would have learned to keep her traitorous nose out of politics. I believe it would be safe to say that people have not forgotten what she did and that she will not be well received. Maybe we should throw her out of the country this time…….. maybe to Iraq, lets see how long it is before she is raped and beheaded. Bitch. I can’t believe that after being responsible for demoralizing, angering and being personally responsible for the deaths of POWs that she would travel down this path again. There are too many who remember, and too many who didn’t and won’t forgive. I just don’t get how a person can be so incredibly stupid and moronic as to commit the same huge, enormous, and despicable mistake a second time.

Back

So it has been awhile. I was in Virginia for close to 2 weeks, getting some R&R. Boy did I need it and I coulda used more. The trip was great and coming back to reality sucks, especially my reality. I have never cared for living in Florida, but every trip away from the area reminds me of just how much. Of course life here could be a little more appealing if I didn’t have such a crappy job.

Back to the vacation........ Does this place not look peaceful and serene?

I get lost here...I have no sense of time or what day it is. I love to go hiking in the woods, or sit by the river and watch the deer and beavers do their thing. There is a train on the other side of the river and it runs tobacco back and forth between the fields and processing plants. I love the sound of the whistle and the wheels on the track. It is a soothing sound. It relaxes. The other commom noises heard in this land of paradise is the squak of the peacocks and the chattering of the guinea hens. They mostly strut about the land keeping the yard free of ticks and other bugs. They chase each other and can be rather entertaining to watch. The Guinea hens like to pick on the peacock, who's name is Blue, and pull his feathers out. Blue just showed up one day last year out of nowhere and sticks around because he knows there is always food to be had. There is another one but he is kept in a large pen with his three ladies, his name is Fred.
While we were there we built a retaining wall to help hold up the hillside that the house sits on. and stained a fence. A rather light load this year.


Spent the 4th of July at Poplar Forrest. It is the summer home of Thomas Jefferson. A must see for any history buff. Here we poked around at the displays of toys, laces, beading and other crafts of the time. At 3PM Thomas Jefferson came out and read the Declaration of Independence and spoke some words about his life and wishes for the future. Kinda cool.

I really just spent most of my time chillin ...you know...fishing, hiking, nature watching and just sitting at an outdoor table with a river view chugging Killians, eating peanuts, and chatting with my brother, son, father and father's wife.

Sweet!

Lost Souls of the Animal World

This is Mittens......Peter named him...I call him a lost soul. He is a homeless cat that has wandered the neighborhood for at least as long as we have been in it. He is an old man and has many battle wounds to show for it.He once was plump and always quick, but has started to show age and is not able to provide for himself like he used to. He has become a regular fixture on my front porch and has allowed me to get within a foot of him. Sometimes he is battered and bleedingand looking for a kind word, other times he is just looking for a quiet place to rest.He has come to give me a small amount of trust and has adopted me and looks to me for food when he can't catch enough. I keep fresh water nearby. I look at him and wonder what his life has been like. I feel sad. I look at thrown away animals and wonder if they ever knew a gentle touch, a warm bed, or kisses of affection. I look at Mittens and wish I could give him a simple scratch behind the ears, a rub under the chin. I will have to settle knowing that he is keeping his stomach full and can seek shelter from the sun and rain under the house. Maybe he is not so lost, after all, he found his way to my house.

A Spirit In Flight

Today something remarkable happened, or at least I thought so. The neighborhood is filled with mocking birds and it is nesting time. We must have at least 2 in the yard and I love to sit on my deck and watch the birds swoop and nip and snickers, our cat, as they defend their territory and nests. The cat has gotten so use to the birds diving at him that he barely notices them anymore. The assaults usually come from the rear. Today he took notice of one that came at him from the front. He took a swipe and caught him. Peter ran to its rescue and saved it from his mouth. No broken bones....no puncture marks. I held the bird for almost 30 minutes and slid drops of water down it's beak. It slowly seemed to gain back its senses and tried to take flight. I managed to get about 10 feet and flopped to the ground. I picked it up and after a few more attempts, flew up into the tree and found a perch, eventually taking flight and heading off to recoup in its nest.

Final Cut

Have you seen this one?
If not it is a movie about microchips implanted into children prior to birth and it records all the sights and sound through ones life, all to be edited into a tribute to ones life when they pass on. The plot was underdeveloped but the story idea was good.
What if this could really be done. We already have big brother watching. Would people really want more invasion? Think of all of the ramifications.

Excuse me.....we have a warrant for you implant information.

People of the jury....the implant that was in his head clearly shows he committed the crime as well as 15 others.

I want $5000.00 every month or I will sell the recordings of you naked/us having sex to Hustler.

It goes on an on.................. What about me being recorded against my wishes? What about my personal memories being opened to the public because they are also in someone elses head, because they were there? What about coming of age to find out the chip was in your head and your wishes are against it being there. Would we, as parents, have that right to have an implant put into our unborn childs head? I thought about the idea of my life being recorded, every minute of every day and it scared me. Every person has personal secrets. Every person has done something they regret. There are just some things in our lives that are not meant for others to see or know about.
And what about the cutters? (The people who edit the video for others to view once you have passed) They have a code.................

I. A cutter cannot sell or give away a Zoe footage.
II. A cutter cannot have a Zoe Implant.
III. A cutter cannot mix Zoe footage from different lives for a rememory.

.... but there are always those who can be bought off. Or what if they are a pervert who uses the footage of sex or a child bathing for their own way of getting off? But even more so I can see all the legal battles over the recorded memories. Arguments on weither they can be used against one's self in a court of law. Can the courts force you to give up a recorded memory if you were a witness to a crime? How might your life be endangered if a criminal knew they were being recorded through a persons chip? And how would humans act if they thought they were being recorded all the time through someone elses eyes? Would we have a tendancy to shy away from people if we knew they had a chip in them? To me, the negative invasion, of my personal life, far outweighs whatever warm and fuzzy feelings my survivors might get from an edited version of my life. I think I would choose the traditional way of being remembered, what is in an individuals head and photos.

Rubber Necking - A Pet Peeve

Does this not irk you!?

I have a lengthy drive to and from work and would like to accomplish the task of getting from point A to point B in a reasonable time. Congestion is always an issue with all the constuction oin the area, and I can tolerate the occasional accident that happens. What gets my blood pressure up is the people who have to gawk at everything. Helloooooooo!! Don't you have some where to be??
As I drove home the other day, traffic was extremely backed up. The entrance ramp to the interstate was backed up all the way into the city. Usually this does not occur. I sat and pondered the severity of the accident that had created this mess............... must be at leats 3 cars involved and pretty traashed up. I wondered if there were any injuries and my mind wandered back to the accident on the bridge 2 months ago where the pick up rolled and it lay on its side with a sheet over the cab window. Hope this wasn't that bad. Traffic crawled ...... and my mind wondered about what to do for dinner, and should I watch a movie or read a book tonight. Eventually we got up to the area where the accident had occured.....5 miles and 40 minutes later........ I think I uttered the words "son uva bitch" The accident was on the other side of the median barrier and while damage was inflicted upon the autos, the people were all up and about. All the emergency vehicles were also on the other side. The entire back up for southbound traffic, was people, who had to slow down and take the grand tour! Hell why don't you just stop and interview the damn drivers! Crap! a 1 hour drive had doubled because a bunch of busybodies couldn't keep their mind on driving.
So now the question is why do people do this? Is there some fascination with seeing other peoples misfortune? Do they hope to see some grotesque, bloody scene? Do they like the look of twisted metal and shattered glass? Who knows, but I wish next time they would just move their ass so I can get home, make a cool refreshing beverage, and veg in front of my tv. Its much more enjoyable than sitting on the highway sucking in the exhaust fumes.

Attitude

Its amazing how one aspect of our life can affect our whole life. Work sucks, to be blunt, I have noticed the attitude I have at work, has carried over into the other parts of life. The "I don't give a shit" seems to be everywhere. Housework was going by the wayside. The yard was looking trashy. And I felt like I was starting to carry it over into my relationships with friends. This "whatever" outlook was really taking over. So this past weekend I realized I needed and attitude adjustment. I cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, edged, finished the fencing, and picked up the trash that had made its way into the yard. I decided that I would start seriously looking for a new job and would get my head back into my current job to at least accomplish the minimal tasks required of me.
While I dislike my job, I don't need the feelings I harbor toward it to spill out into the rest of my life. This outlook needed to be curbed. It was taking over and I was beginning to feel like the beer swilling slob that sits around in their underwear, watching tv. Hmmmmm, not a pretty picture. What I realize is that this is a self destruct mode, and if I don't do something about it, then everything else I do will take me further down the hole. So..... I have made the adjustment in my attutude .......................if for nothing else, for the sake of survival.

Quick Quips

DAMN!!!

I have a membership to Netflix and I really love it. I am getting sooooooo caught up on movies.

I rented Pearl Harbour....played the first disc and went to put in the second and it was broke clean through.

DAMN!

So here it is another hurricane season upon us.

My fence is new and my roof repaired. I do still have a tree that needs to come down, but I need to find a few fellas to help me with that. Most tree removal services wanted $600.00 to $800.00 to remove it. Nope ........ not paying that. If I had that kind of money I would have bought myself a generator first. Arlene, the first this season has already had Florida folks scrambling to stock up. Not that we expect a visit from her in these parts, but maybe people have finally started to learned that a storm can go where ever it pleases regardless of what humans have predicted. I am sure that there are those who figured we had a bad season last year so they are banking on the odds that we will not be bothered this year. Not what I would call a smart observation or prediction. I have taken the time to get water, batteries, candles, my plywood is in the shed, and I have new living arrangements should I need to evacuate, but truth be told, should another one come that requires evacuation..... I will face the strong possibility that my home will be a loss. As long as Peter, all my fuzzy children, and I are safe, then things are good. I have learned a lot over the last near, year that the material things mean nothing when your loved ones are alright.

Hopefully someone upstairs will watch over everything. :)

Cutest Fuzzies Ever

These guys just make my day some days. I can be feeling low and crappy as hell and these little fuzzbutts make me laugh and smile. They play and wrestle with each other and then start their weasel war dance to get me to join in. They give me kisses and and when tired will curl up and fall asleep in my lap. Who could resist those adorable faces?

In Regards to Customer Service

WOW!!!
The rainy season has begun and with that the next hurricane season. I had yet to repair my roof and I went up one day, replaced one shingle and said "no way." I called a roofer on the recomendation of my ex father in law and was I amazed. After all the crappy service I have gotten this was the total oppisite. I called on Sunday and got the answering machine as I had expected and left a message. Tuesday morning, Monday was a holiday, I got a return phone call. He said he would stop by and write up the estimate and leave it in my mailbox. He called me an hour and a half later and went over what he found. Even said they could start around 2 that day. OMG .... I was in shock. They completed the work the next morning. He even went so far as to call me back and tell me where the repairs were on the roof so I could go up and check it all out for myself.

Amazing........simply amazing.

Grieving as Fast as I Can

I noticed I had not blogged in awhile.........and I started to think why. And it dawned on me that I hadn't entered anything because I thought that anyone who reads this on a constant basis would think, "This again??" and then it occurred to me that it doesn't matter what others think of my blog entries, because I do it to write down my feelings and use it as a form of catharsis for whatever is going on within me. So with that being said, last week sucked. I was just so utterly depressed and the only thing I can think caused it was not dealing with Pete’s birthday. I kept myself so busy that I didn’t think about it. What I kept wondering was, “Why is this healing stuff taking so long?” That question had been in my head for so long just insisting on an answer……this is what was given to me………………

I was told that in losing Pete, I lost my best friend. I lost my movie partner, beach partner, concert going partner, and confidant. I lost my identity as a “couple”……… It was explained, I am not grieving the loss of a friend …………. I am grieving the loss of a spouse. This was an interesting thought and I know I must have had an odd look on my face, because it was further explained that just because two people do not get married and have the legalities of it, our living arrangements and time spent together were the same as any two people who were married. This was really quite enlightening to me……………………. So now when people tell me “I should get a life again and start dating”, or tell me “I should be over it” I know that they are wrong and my anger at their words is justified. I know that the pain is still very real and that love does not just “go away” with time. This is not a love that died by divorce, or died by incompatibility. It did not die from lack of time or interest waning. It was “love interrupted.” And now this leaves me with new questions to ponder and look to answer.

What I have now learned eases my mind some, and I now know that healing will progress at it own pace. No one can give a time frame on when things will be better. Deal with it one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. It is not just feeling better....it is dealing with guilt, that dating another person means you have forgotten. It is dealing with the change in your life style, in your finances, in the way you look at life and the way you deal with feeling that only half of you is here.

Time.........it is all up to time.

What has happened???

I blogged a few days ago about customer service in the fencing industy around my neck of the woods. It seems to me that it has become the norm to not care about the customers wants or needs. I went to a place of business today to have my oil changed and one of my front tires looked at due to a slow leak. I pulled in, and was greeted by a sign that said tires to the right, oil change to the left. Well I was having both done and figured the tire work was priority and chose the right lane. I waited by my truck and no one came to help me. I went in the store and asked the cashier for help. She asked if I had seen the service attendant and I replied no, that no one came to greet me or to help me out. SHe wwent and got a person from the garagae and they prceeded to discuss where the "attendant " was. Then they guy looks at me and asks if that is m truck parked in the right lane. I reply yes and I am told " Well thats why you didn't get service, your parked in the wrong lane." I looked at him and said" Your sign says tires to the right, and that is where I went. Do you want my business or not?"The guy looked at me and said, in a rather snotty tone, "We will have to find someone to check you in. " I just looked at him and told him not to bother that I wouldn't spend my money in a place that treated me in such a rude manner and I left. I went down the road to mmy auto dealer and was treated like I was the most valueable customer there was.
My question is .........What has happened to customer service? Are businesses doing so well that they just don't care if they offend?Do they think I enjoy being ignored or rudely treated? I don't know about anyone else but I will pay a higher price if it means I am treated well. And don't companies know that it takes forever to build a reputation of trust, but only a moment to destroy it? Or that people are more likely to speak of poor or crappy service than they will of good service. Is it that I just seem to be hitting the places that don't give a shit or is customer service going down hill real fast?

Today

Today I should be celebrating a birthday with someone.
But I am not.
Today should be a day of conversation, fun and laughter.
It Isn't
Today should be a dinner out and maybe a movie.
It won't be.
Today is Pete's birthday.
He would have been 36

Customer Service

I have finally gotten around to replacing my hurricane damaged fence. Six and a half weeks ago I called Home Depot to get a quote for materials and labor. They didn't show up. I called them and ranted to them and they set up another appointment. They again did not show. Over the next few weeks I called 4 different fencing companies to get stimates. Not a single one returned my call or came out to an appointment to give me what I wanted. I got tired of dealing with contractors and install service centers so I bought the fencing and will put the fence up myself. I built my decks, I can build a fence. What I can't understand is the lack of service from so many companies. Are they so busy they don't care?

On another note............................Welcome home Fred, now get back to blogging cause I've been really bored with nothing to read from you.

Messages from Beyond

Weither you believe or not doesn't matter.

I Do.

I was having one of my "bad" days, ones that are farther between now, but still all too common. I was about.....cleaning the house, trying to keep my mind busy so as not to think.......and had the radio on. It was on an adult soft rock station............. a song came on and it was one of those moments as if someone tells you to listen. It was one I had never heard before. It brought on a wave of emotion. When the song was over I ran to the computer to look it up. I truly believe it was Pete trying to let me know ...............................

Where You Are

"Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be (?)

That you are my

Forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

'Cause you are my

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up

To where you are

Beyond the distant star I

wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

I know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Quick Quip

What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? These are questions that everyone asks in life. If you're Douglas Adams the answer is 42. Why even ask this question. I believe that our purpose is whatever we make it to be. I look at what is around me and I see diversity. I believe the meaning of my life is to learn from all the diversity and to teach my son to accept it as well. If we could all teach one person that different is good, then what a change that would make in the world. I look at the people I surround myself with and I see a rich palette of color and I take pleasure in each one. How boring life would be if we only surrounded ourselves with people identical to us in religion, philosophy, color and opinion. Life would truly be black and white. ***********************************************

The Past Brought to the Present

A while back when Pete was alive, when he was making the job change between AMR and HCFR, I had carried him over on a month and a half of bills. He had decided to pay me back out of a trust fund account. At the time he went to write the check he was unable to find the check book. It started an argument.....not over the money but over the check book. We tore the house apart looking for it and never found it. As usual, when anything disappears or is misplaced, it was my fault. I had become accustomed, to both males in the house blaming me when they couldn't find something. It was my fault, in that while he left it on his desk, and I must have let one of the ferrets run off with it.........or it must have fallen off the desk, and I must have picked it up a put it some place while cleaning. I think there were another 3 or 4 reasons why it was my fault. Needless to say it was a bit of an argument and what was funny is that it wasn't over the fact I would have to wait to get paid beck, but that the checkbook was missing. I don't think I talked to Pete for a day because I was so pissed off that he made it out to be my fault. Eventually we both just forgot about it and it passed.

So whats the point, you ask??

I was looking for a photograph and was looking through the drawer on the table that Pete used for a desk. I was tired of standing so I pulled the drawer out and sat on the floor..... never found the photo but as I went to put the drawer back in, I saw something in the bottom of the drawer slot. I pulled it out and what was in my hand? The checkbook. The "you let the ferrets run off with it" checkbook. The "you must have put it someplace" checkbook. I smiled, then laughed. For the first time since he died, I felt as if Pete were here, with me. Maybe even giving me a belated, "I'm sorry," for the argument. I giggled over it for the rest of the evening.

CoWorker - Boss - CoWorker

On my way to work today, I used the drive time the way I usually do....thinking about insignificant topics that run around in my head. Today I was thinking about how the work atmosphere has become so casual between everyone. When we were ICI in its heyday, dress was the higher end of business casual, to business dress. Formalities were afforded to those in management positions and they were to be addressed as Mr, Ms, or Mrs. When Intermedia was sold to MCI things started to become more lax. We started to have "jeans" Fridays, and the stricter codes of conduct became less so. Intermedia was always a good place to work.......we were allowed social conversations and such, but it was a very strict policy of business first. Now its casual work clothes, and some girls even come in looking like cheap street walkers. There is a lot of chit chat, and non business conversation and plenty of time where work does not come first. Everyone is on a first name basis with everyone else. The interaction between people is also different, and I mean just plain different. I would imagine that much of that is due to the fact that with all the lay offs we have gone through, that your boss today could be a co worker tomorrow and vise versa. This change could take place several times with one person. But as an example.........one day T is my boss, he is friendly, but keeps himself in check, so that he is within the guide lines of professionalism of management. Lo and behold with lay offs he is now my co worker and wow!, look out! He is now Don Juan......... let the sexual undertones....aw hell, overtones begin. Now these really don't bother me........ I antagonize........ and as long as it stays in fun and jest we are cool. Shit I worked in a restaurant for what seems like an eon and things got raunchy back in the kitchen. But I have had it work the other way where a co worker has become a boss and with that the management professionalism is a little fainter. Anyway...... my whole point is that the line between boss and worker bee is smeared, blurry, and fading fast. I have found that the constant changes within the company have given everyone a better chance to know each other. There is more camaraderie. Work is more bear able. And in a lot of cases, I think that more work gets done. But I also think we are unique, or at least somewhat unique. You are the last 140 people in a company that was once 4000 people. There are alot of shared trials and tribulations ........ storms weathered.......bouts of survivors guilt. That will make the bond a little different in any group. Good ..... Bad..... I’m not making a judgment call. I'm just putting in writing what was in my head this morning.

Passing of a Furry Friend

Raini left us today.
Its been an up and down road for 3 weeks now and the time had finally come to let her go on her way. She had been diagnosed, several months ago with heart disease, thyroid problems as well as arthritis. She had been doing well on her medications until recently. Her health was slipping. She had gotten considerably skinnier, was hardly eating the pureed food we gave her and her saliva had a horrible odor that you could smell a foot away. When she walked she wobbled and often fell. Her eyes were dim. While her motor would still purr with every stroke of a hand on her head, and she would force out a meow when I walked in the room, it just didn't seem that there was quality. What is life without quality?
I remember the day we brought her home. Peter was 2 and we had gone to the SPCA because he wanted a kitty and I wanted a furry friend in the house. We got there and had looked at several cats when Peter let out a gasp of delight. There in the cage was a plump, round 20 lb cat with eyes that were as bright and alert as could be. Peter fell in love and we took her home. It was pouring rain non stop and hence came her name. She was a good kitty. When Peter would lay on the floor and watch cartoons, she would either snuggle with him or he would use her for a pillow. She always crawled into bed with him when it was time for him to go to sleep and she would sneak out after he had fallen off. They grew up together, and I have many memories of them cuddled up together. She was affectionate, gentle and mellow. 18 is a good long life for a cat..... I hope she was happy in her life. It only seems fitting that it rained the day she left my life.

Change and Morals

Back, a considerable time ago, in between the time I was making the decision to leave my husnband and his abusive ways, and before Pete, I was in need of a no strings attached relationship. I needed someone to tell me I was wanted and someone who could convince me I had some self worth. "A" was this person. Everything was impromptu and no phone calls between us. Both of us were married and both needed something we weren't finding at home. For me I needed to feel I had value, that I was interesting, and that someone could still see me as more than a personal belonging. The "no strings" was what was right for the relationship. We both had issues to deal with at home. No string meant neither of us was looking for a lasting relationship, but both of us were looking for something to spark the inner spirit that had died. It lasted about 7 months...... and it seemed we had both found our inner peace at about the same time. He decided things were worth working on at home and I had known Pete but we were starting to become interested in being more than friends.
"A" was that rebound relationship that allowed me to share everything I was with Pete. "A" was the one who taught me that being myself was ok and that anyone not liking me for who and what I was, was not worth my time. He brought happiness into my life that was saddly lacking and helped me find my self worth. Everything was always "right" with him. Everthing was always good.
I sat on my couch a week ago and realized it had been many months since we talked. It seemed that when ever one of us was blue, we would end up calling the other.........on occassions we had run into each other. It seems there would always be a strong bond there. So, last time I had talked to him, Pete was alive and "A" was split from his wife.......... So I thought I would give him a call to see how he was getting on. We talked for about 20 minutes and I finally asked if he had again worked things out. He said he was back living in the house and they were working on things. I was happy for him. He has a wonderful family. With that I realized I had made the call looking for more. I was looking for something open in the public eye, yet with no strings....... knowing this was not possible, I found a way to wind the coversation down and end the call. He means a lot to me, but the occasional conversation and run in will have to be all there is.

Quick Quips

Well Kitty has decided to make a recovery. She is eating again, although hard food is too much for her. She is once again moving about and acknowledging people when they come in. Guess she just isn't ready to go.

Diet still going strong....next weigh in is Monday AM

Work looks like it will last a little longer. They have decided to throw some special projects and that should extend us a minnimum of a year...maybe 2

When are we gonna get the perverts off the street. I am really tired of these whackos and sickos that are preying on our children. When will gov't deal with issues that are important instead of things like steroid use in sports. I think our youth is a little more important and with all these sad pathetic usless perverts stealing and raping our children, there is a serious subject to be broached. I say we castrate or lojack the assholes but then you will get the ACLU crying foul. Who was sticking up for the rights of our children when one of the pervs was snatching and molesting a 12 year old? ok don't getting me going on that subject casue I could rant on for a loooong time on what to do with sexual predators.

Til later..................................................

Misc Thoughts

OK so here I an at the end of week one of SouthBeach - 6 lbs lost.

One of my four cats, Raini, is not doing well. She is 18 and while I have been preparing myself for her passing it is hard to take. She will no longer take her meds and can't eat regular food. We are having to puree it. She has gotten very skinny ans I suppose I should have taken her to the vets this past weekend to be put down. She has improved a little in the last 3 days but not that there is real quality to her life. She still enjoys the pettings and brushings she has been getting and can manage to purr with approval, but she stays in one spot except to drink and use the litter box. I guess I need to spend time with her this week, and then, find the courage to let her go this weekend.

Job Possibility

Yesterday I had a phone interview. It was going very well. I have all the qualifications they are looking for and a few extra. One problem came up. They wanted someone to start, well basically, yesterday. I explained to them that I had to be able to give two weeks. While I did not care for the company I work for, the people I work with made it all tolerable and I could not just "leave" them. I was then told thank you for my time. I figured I would not hear from them again. Today I got another phone call asking me to come in to do a second interview with the person who hires. I was told they really liked my resume and they respected me for refusing to just walk away from my current job. So Tuesday, I have my interview.........only thing that could stop me from taking this would be if they are unable to meet my salary needs. They were on the resume, so ..........maybe thats a good sign.........................

Cravings

I am dieing here!!!!
I would love an asiago cheese bagel with veggie spread!

Diet Diet Diet

Yes I live on that merry-go-round. I have always had a hard time with my weight. I was a plump child and it wasn't until HS that I dropped my weight through dieting. During college I was anorexic looking. I was 128lbs. You could always see my rib cage, collar bone ,vertebrae and such, and when I see those photos I shiver. The sad thing is, that is what doctors kept telling me my ideal weight should be. I think they were wrong........ I think there were a lot of things that they did not take into consideration. So I look through a lot of photos and decided at what weight I was comfortable with myself and where I looked healthy. Pre marriage and kid years, I have decided. Many may cringe but for me it was 140 to 145. The skeletal look was gone...there was a glow in the skin and clothes didn't look like they were on a hanger. So that is my goal. I have already lost 40, but took a bit of a hiatus and maintained............... but now I am ready to lose the rest

So .....dust off the work out tapes and clean out the fridge.......

Questions??????

1. After a tragic event, does life ever become normal again?

2. When your job puts you into financial limbo, when do you take your life off of hold?

3. What do you say to people when you realize they have used you for their personal gain?

4. What do you do when you feel your sibling is constantly looking down upon you?

5. Do you ever feel like your bad Karma has come back and hit you way more than you ever
earned it??

6. Will men ever realize that size 12 thru 16 women aren't fat, but the norm?


7. At what point will my son realize I am smarter than he thinks?

8. If a mime is arrested, does he still have the right to remain silent?

Open Mouth - Insert Foot..........I am such an ass

At work today, I was talking with a friend when her son IM’d her …..simply the word “Loser”. We laughed and I mentioned that often when Peter calls me on the phone he will say “Hey Whats up ho?” A third person had joined the conversation and said that she wasn’t so sure she would like that. I told her it was all in fun and he knew when it was appropriate and when it was not. Then I proceeded to mention that I also will call him names, like, little prick, or gay boy……at that very moment I felt about the size of an inconspicuous dust ball. See…….. the third person who joined the conversation is gay. When the exchange of great wit was over I made a point to stop by her desk and apologize profusely.

Trash Trash Everywhere

My drive to work today was long and slow. Rain and accidents made for a drive that allowed one to take in your surroundings. Not too bad across the bridge but malfunction junction was really an eye sore. As we cruised at am amazing 10 to 15 mph with occasional stopping, I took in the scenery. Yuck! There was not a place to look that there was not trash, and I don't mean paper and plastic. I mean trash! As I looked around I saw paper cups, plastic bags, a car bumber, 10 gallon buckets, insulation, clothes, coolers, cooler lids, styrofoam, a bed liner, a dead possum, an air conditioner, a bed mattress and all kinds of other crap. Now I thought that maybe some of the problem is because of the construction in the area, but I believe that all the junk out there goes beyond that. What a way to greet people into Tampa Bay...........Hi! Welcome to Tampa! The trashiest city around. Why would the mayor or other city officials not care that people coming into Tampa, by way of I-4, will see this. After all first impressions are just that, and they are hard to overcome. My first impression would be.....I think I should go home.......

Jail Bird

Well Bernie Ebbers is to become a jail bird, guilty on all accounts. There was a slight uproar and round of applause at work when this was announced. My response was to ask if we could sentence him to the electric chair. As you can guess we are not fond of old Bernie here. We have lost jobs, morale, and pay raises thanks to him. There are still more jobs to cut. I expect this office will be gone in July. Well unless Verizon has something in mind but I am sure it is too early in the ball game to be saved by a decision at VZ. I can only hope that B.E. gets what he deserves, but I doubt it. Most rich peopple don't. They can still manage to buy their way out of it. As usual the hard workers suffer at the hands of the rich thieves. Where is Robin Hood??

As for me I guess I better bury my head back in the want ads. I would like to find something before I am escorted out the door.

Then and Now

Yesterday I was doing yard work……..Yes I finally managed to find motivation to do something other than sit on my ass over a weekend..Anyway I cleaned out the garden in back, trimmed the vines, painted the new door frame and mowed the lawn. Well at least what little lawn there is. While doing the last of these chores the power drive on the lawn mower quit working and I had to actually push the mower. Well that really set me to working hard. As the catcher got fuller it became harder and harder to push and I had to take frequent breaks to guzzle some water down and to catch my breath. On one of by breaks I sat and looked at the lawn mower and remembered the old push mower we had growing up, before gas mowers were popular or affordable, and well before self propelled mowers. You know…….the ones on 2 wheels and a cylinder, that ya had to keep up a good speed with and that you often had to go over the same spot twice. I couldn’t help but think how pitiful I was for cursing the mower for being broken……my dad would go out and mow a lawn that was at least 5 times the size of mine and it was on a hillsdie in Connecticut. (A hillside that in the winter we would park the cars down on the road because if the driveway iced over the cars would be in the road by morning.) I remember that it only took one summer of that old push mower for dad to give in and get a gas, but still he had to push…… ….
I often think how upset we get, when our toys and tools of modern technology break. I will remind myself of the way it used to be done and be thankful that I get to do things the easier way 98% of the time.

Quip

Just a quik one........something that irked me this weekend. I went to the store to go do my weekly shopping and as I came out of the store 2 girls got out of their Jeep. Nothing out of the ordinary you say? Well where they parked was...........this ignorant chic squeezed her Jeep in between 2 cars, on the blue lines, in the handicap zone. I was astonished! I stopped in my tracks. Knowing that if someone came out to get in the van, they would never be able to if using a walker or wheelchair, I said something to her. I got the response I expected.... a flip of the finger and F--- you! Not to be out done I proceeded to my truck, unloaded my bags, and thenwalked up to the front of the store to where the police were parked. I explained what transpired and he went over to the jeep and wrote up a ticket. Sweetie Pie...................your gesture and attitude just got expensive.

Wishes, Gifts and Guilt

I was shredding some old bills of Pete's last night and I came across the credit card bills where he had charged some of the jewelry he had bought me 4 and 5 Christmases ago. I felt guilty. One Christmas he had bought me saphire/diamond earings and matching pendant and spent $257.00 on the set and the year after he bought me pearl and diamond earings and spent $225.00. I loved both gifts when he gave them to me and still love them today. What do I feel guilty about?? I knew at the time he was in some tough times money wise but did not realize how bad until another year later. The credit card bills I have been shredding from back then have reminded me and shown me just how bad off he was back then. For the first time I have really put 2 and 2 together and realized how much he wanted to make me happy, despite the fact he had little money, he put himself further into debt to buy me something he knew I would love. He knew I had a weakness for sparkley things.......he also knew that I am not materialistic and he could have made me happy with a $10.00 stuffed toy or $7.00 over sized coffee mug for my iced coffees.................. but despite his debt he chose the expensive gift. I know many would say that he was dumb for doing that, but it makes me understand how much he loved me. He never stopped thinking about me, and I see it more and more as I look at the big things he did for me........and moreso in the little day to day things. Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I could have seen this all back then. I wish I had been more attentive.............I wish, I wish, I wish.........

Spare Me

Ya know with all the publicity of the Schiavo case these days, I gotta say........NO EXTREME MEASURES FOR ME. God I would hate for someone to keep my spirit bound to earth in that state. Please think of ME. We try so hard to hold on to the ones that we love that we make decisions out of selfishness rather than what is best for the soul that is held to earth. I understand that the Schiavo's believe that there is a possibility that their daughter can become cognative again and believe there is a possibility she can eventually do for herself again, but what if she can't?

What if there is some part of the brain that fully understands everything that is going on and is trapped in a body that won't ever function again? That, would truly be the prison from hell. I can't imagine being a spirit that wants to pass on to a greater place and to be held here by family members who can't let me go. Aren't the memories of a person who was strong, happy and full of life, better than ones of feedings, lifelessness, and empty eyes?

Inner Peace,

Quality,

Dignity,

I hope my family will afford me this.

Time

On my 45 min drive to work today I was thinking how it never seemed that long of a drive. My mother always cringes at the thought of driving 45 minutes or an hour to work. I listen to the radio, random thoughts occupy my head and there's the being ever vigilant for the loser drivers that think by cutting in and out of traffic, they will somehow get to work faster. This road time goes by quickly. I thought to all the trips I made to get to hockey games. Ellenton (45 min), Fort Meyers (2 1/2 hours), Maitland ( 1 hour 45 min) and Tallahasee (3 1/2 hours) These trips all seemed like nothing really. Just part of the sport. I then wandered back to my road trips, 22 hours to NJ, 12 hours to VA.......... I enjoyed these drives..........time did not seem forever. So why, when I think back to trips I took as a child, did they seemed so unbearably long. A 2 hour trip was unthinkable. It was like a day....... Its not like we didn't take a lot of road trips when I was young. We took them all the time. Cleveland to Columbus...........New Haven Connecticut to Boston Mass.....these trips weren't long but it sure seemed it. I remember how 30 minutes was forever and an hour was an eternity. Now an hour is barely enough time to get up, get showered, have some coffee and get out the door to work. An hour of daylight was more than enough time to get in another game of kickball and hide -n-seek, or to get a new city built in the sandbox. Now when I look at the clock at work, and see I only have an hour left, I think, "Don't start that project cause you won't have time to finish it." or " Only an hour to go and I'm outta here" An hour now is like 5 minutes compared to the childhood time clock. I wish I knew how to put the clock back to the slow pace it was when growing up. I could accomplish so much more, have more me time, and maybe even find time to watch a sunset.

Done

Well today was it!
I quit TBJL.
I was tired of the director who made his own rules, who didn't care about kids unless they played for him. I was tired of the hassle to get things done right. I am tired of busting my ass for people who just don't get it. I watched a program go from 500 kids to 150. It is a sad ending, but one thats time has come. I gladly turn over the headaches, the hassles and the disregard to anyone who wants it or to the one it is forced on. Now I can go out and get a Real second job. It means paying for hockey if Peter plays else where, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Maybe his last year he can play for a real league............................

More ........??

I have buried myself in work the last few weeks and have been racking up the overtime. I figured I didn't have much of a life so why not work and make some more money. This has put me into the thinking mode...... thinking about what life is and figuring there has got to be more. I look at the way things are now......only one income in the house now, 2 mouths to feed, and repairs still needed to the house after the lovely hurricane season, working OT is the only way to keep up with the money going out. It has been a long time since I have had to live paycheck to paycheck and it really does suck. When do I get to enjoy life? When do I get to start doing things I want to do? Right now my guess is never.......I will probably be working until the day I am put in the ground. Of course I can always hope to win the lottery. Ya right........like that will ever happen. It would be nice to find a solution to make it all slow down to a point where I can enjoy the days............. not just suddenly look up from my desk and realize a month has gone by. Maybe some people are destined to work forever............ such a sad thought..... there is so much I would like to do........

17 Already

Peter turned 17 this week. This amazes me.........I can't believe that I have a seventeen year old. I look back to the day he was born and remember looking at him thinking his whole life was ahead of him.......he can be anything. Now at 17 I look at him trying to decide what he wants to do with his life. He is looking at taking a class that would allow him to graduate early. Thoughts of military, fire academy, a trade in auto mechanics............While he has his whole life still ahead of him, he is also facing adulthood...... leaving behind the easy careless days. Me suffering the idea of facing an empty nest? No........ just worrying about letting a fledgling fly...... adulthood is the real test of failure or success. This is where life really tests our strength and weaknesses and I can't help worrying............we only want the best for our children and I guess we can only hope we have taught them right.

Why Do We Wait?

I have a friend, who's marriage has been in turmoil for quite a while now. 6 to 7 months ago I would of told her to dump the husband and make herself happy. Today it would be different. Why you may ask..... because I have learned something, or at least gotten a better understanding of something. That, being forgiveness.
Why is it that when a person we love passes, we can forgive them for everything? I started to think back to the people I have lost in my life, some acquaintances, some friends, and a personal hero. When they passed on, the petty arguments and fights passed with them. They were forgotten. Things like harsh words, lies, indiscretions, deception and aggravating traits no longer mattered. The pettiness was gone and the only thing I could remember were the fond memories, and the things that were good. I would guess then, that once these unpleasantries are stripped away, it is our true feelings that are felt.
If this is the case................maybe we need to learn forgiveness before death. If we can forgive those that have gone on, then why can't we learn to forgive the living? It seems we need to learn to dig beneath the years of dirt and look at what we had in the beginning. Sometimes we slip, and sometimes we falter.......... wouldn't it be nice to know that those mistakes could be worked through and then maybe we could learn from both the mistake and the kindness of being forgiven.

No Life.

This week I was asked to work over time and if I would mind putting in more in the next few weeks. My response was sure....I have no life, and as those words flowed from my lips I had flashbacks of the last few weeks and realized just how true that statement is. My life consists of nothing more than 2 jobs and picking up after a teenager. I used to have a life, but with my closest and dearest friend having passed through the pearly gates I realize I have nothing to do. He occupied so much of my time........hockey games, books and coffee at Barnes and Nobles, movies, sunsets on the beach, dinner out, concerts in the park, and home projects, not to mention just sitting on the couch watching TV and have conversations. Christmas vacation made me see just how much my life has changed. Normally it would have been filled with activities, but this year, that vacation time was nothing more than a week of sitting my ass on the couch and staring at the TV. No motivation. So the question is, "What to do?" Part of me says to move on.........meet new people.........call old friends from the past. Part of me is afraid to, afraid to let go of what was. Afraid that if I let go, I will forget........Sometimes I think I am starting to get my act together and then I have long moments of deep sadness...mostly when evening sets in and my brain no longer has to work a million issues at one time. So the inner conflict continues......... I know at some point I have to step out of my surroundings into the bigger picture.........but it sure looks scary from where I am.

Quick Thought

Today I reupholstered my antique rocker. A task I have wanted to start for some time but hesitated because I had never done more than seat covers. Well now that it is done, I am happy with the outcome. Two minor flaws, but nothing that detract from the rocker and flaws that, should I do this again, I have learned from. And isn't that what life itself is all about, finding something you haven't done and giving it a try, learning from the mistakes and feeling good at things we have a ccomplished? If we always live in our comfort zone, then we won't ever experience new things, regardless of the size of what we take on......

Game Instructions

Ok, I went to a Christmas Party last night and everyone had to bring a silly or cutesy gift. I am sure many of you have played this, where numbers are drawn and the first person chooses and opens a gift and shows it to everyone. Person # 2 has the choice of taking person #1 gift or opening a new one. If your gift gets taken you then have the choice of taking someone elses or choosing a new one, etc, etc , etc. Well I managed to snag a shot glass checkers set. When I got home my son wanted to play a game with me. We played, but with just beer. Now some of you may think me a horrible parent playing a drinking game with my almost 17 year old son, but I find allowing him to have alcohol when he is around me, has taken the mystery away and he doesn't find the need to go and and get drunk with a crowd of friends. But the point of this story is about the game instructions. It is simple, it is a regular game of checkers, but when you jump your opponent you drink the glasses of liquor and whn you are kinged you drink the shot as well. What my son and I laughed about was where it said on the box - 2 players, age 8 thru adult.

And the game was equivillent to a beer a piece.......can you imagine playing with hard liquor?

Quiet vs Quiet

As the temperatures dropped last night I was contemplating the winters when I lived up North. Suddenly there was a boom and the house went dark. I got up and looked outside and saw the other houses were just as black. I proceeded to light the candles that were on the buffet table and the others that sat around the room. In my house there is an ample supply of decorative candles. Peter came out of his room with a book and sat near the buffet so he could read by candle light. I called the electric company and collected the ferrets and put them in their cage, as the living room was staying warm due to all the candles, while the temp in the rest of the house was slowly falling. I proceeded to "pick up" around the house to keep myself busy. I started to notice the quiet that was in the house. I sat down on the couch and listened. The antique clock was ticking away in its usual rhythm, and I noticed how loud it seemed. I listened further and could hear the wind outside the house. I even heard the one of the cats across the room as it let out a content sigh. This, was quiet. This, was peaceful. About that time the electric came on and the silence was replaced with the whirring of the computers, the hum of the fridge, and the whoosh as the heat came on. Funny how I once considered this quiet.................

Animal Tales

Snickers.
Snickers is one of my four cats. A strange little fellow he is. He is 5 and a half months old and the most affectionate cat I have ever met, especially for a kitten. A frisky, playful, run around kitten who will stop in his tracks to cuddle up in your lap or on your chest. And he doesn't just snuggle, he buries himself into you and then contently purrs. But he is a strange one. He loves to go for car rides. I came home from work the other day and as I opened the door to my truck he hops in and sits in the seat next to me. He glances over as if to say "Well??" Needless to say, I could not say no, and I closed my door, started up the truck and took him for a ride around the neighborhood. He had a ball. He jumped up and layed in the middle of the dash and watched as things went by. Then he would hop down and run froma back window to back window. He just couldn't get enough of the passing scenery. When I pulled back into the driveway he looked at me, meowed and hopped out as I opened the door.

Teeki
She is one of my ferrets. She was very attatched to Pete. She would play and play and play and when it was time to crash, as ferrets do when they tucker out from all their playing, she would seek out Pete and lay her head on his foot. He would pick her up and lay her in his arms and pet her non stop. She would lay their for hours until Pete would finally put her in one of the hammocks in her cage. Well anyway, today I was looking for a sweat jacket to take to work with me and pulled one of Petes from the hanging luggage cover. I layed it on the floor next to my purse and Teeki smelled it and I think she about lost her fuzzy little head. She kept sniffing the jacket and then ran into each room looking and searching. She would stop and turn her head in every direction then dart to another corner of the room and stop and again look. She did this to every room and when she didn't find Pete she came back to the jacket and buried herself in it. To say I felt bad for her, would be an understatement.

Full Audience

I went to Walmart (Super) to do my usual weekend shopping. I was puttzing through the store looking at electronics, clothes, kitty toys and made it through most of the food and was thinking how pleasant everyone was being to each other. And mind you, it is not always an easy task at this Walmart. I always make sure I am in the right frame of mind before I ever venture there on a Saturday or a Sunday. It is packed to the hilt and if I feel even the slightest of the grumps in my mood I dont go. Its busy to the point that if you look for a close parking spot, it will take at least 10 to 15 minutes. You might as well park out in the BFE parking lot and walk in. It takes less time, and be sure to pick up a cart on the way in. There always those people who will leave their cart in the middle of the aisle so no one can get by or the have it diagonal accross the way while they look at the shelves. There are also the speed shoppers that think they are driving a car on the highway and zig zag in and out of everyone and will cut you off so that they can get into the cross aisle first. Of course to top it off, all the holiday shoppers are there as well. So any way............. I am in the frozen aisle and rounding the corner to produce and the deli when this unbelievable high pitched yelling breaks out. As I glance over in the direction of the ranting I am suprised to find it all coming out of this well dressed, well manicured, proffesional looking woman. She was cursing enough to make a sailor blush. Mothers were grabbing their children and abandoning the area. I picked out my head of lettuce and then I heard a thud. I looked back over at the raving lunatic and she was trying to grab the poor girl on the other side of the deli counter. I was debating on weither or not to get my sandwich meats today.......this woman was pretty wild. About that time she turned to the father next to her and began to yell at him to "bring it on." He started to back up and as the crowed gathered the store security was arriving on scene. A female security guard stepped in between her and the gentleman.........the woman just kept it up. I picked my other produce and slowly made my way over to the "number" giver and pulled my tab out. # 60.........hoped this wouldn't take too long. 10 minutes and the yeller wasn't slowing down..... She was going on about how all the employees in the deli were rude and slow. She was # 52 and they passed her up and helped the other customers. And how dare the girl tell her that they had called her # out and no one answered. And how dare she tell her that she will help her as soon as she was done with the gentleman she was helping. She should have stopped and helped her immediately.......blah blah blah blah blah.........she only shops there because her husband tells her she has to, and she spends hundreds of dollars there every week....blah blah blah.......man she wouldn't stop. I kept thinking how rediculous she was sounding and the only person being rude was her. Her cursing wasn't getting her any sympathy and the rest of the customers were telling the other managers that no one was discourteous to her. Did she think her ranting was gonna get her anywhere? I can only hope that she went home and realized what and ass she made of herself. If you know a place is busy at a certain time, and you don't want the hassle....then why go?.................................. What? What was that??? Sixty one??

Whats the Deal

Have you ever had a friend, aquantince, or coworker, that as soon as they approach you, you can feel that they are ill at ease? I do and I wonder what it is about myself that intimidates or makes them uncomfortable. I guess I could ask, but that might make it worse. I almost find humor in it at times. As he makes his rounds to check up and socialize with our work group, he always passes by my cubicle quickly and just blurts out a "hey" in his haste. He is gone before I can reply. It takes nothing for him to get involved in personal conversation with others but conversations go awkwardly when talking to me.....I have to prod to get information. Hmmm maybe he is just being a professional and holding in a dislike. Wow!! Thats a thought.... me being disliked?? Well there was they guy in the bar that called me a bitch, and there was a coworker who insisted I was incompetent and we argued all the time. Oh and then there is Jack, who made it a point to tell me I didn't know squat about hockey because I was a woman and he fought me on every thing I wanted to do in the organization. I guess that would be a sense of dislike as well. OK........ before I get paranoid......this doesn't feel that way. Its just like he is uncomfortable......kinda like those awkward silences you get on a first date sometimes. I do remember having been in that position once myself. Although to this day I can't figure out why I was uncomfortable around this particular person. Matter of fact I am most at ease around them today. I still try to analyze what it was that made me feel the way I did. Can it be that we sometimes try too hard to make a relationship (of any kind) work that we become afraid of making an ass out of ourselves or afraid we will say something stupid? Could be, but shouldn't we be allowed to be ourselves around our friends? After all our friends, or at least our true friends, accept us for all aspects of our personality. So the question put forth is: do I try to resolve it or just let it go on?

Wanderings of the Mind

Many thoughts.........pretty much all over the place today.

First off I am glad that Thanksgiving is over. The Holidays are proving a tough thing to deal with this year. Thanks giving morning was spent trying to keep myself composed, before going to my mothers. My brother kept trying to talk me into spending Christmas in the Carolinas. If Thanksgiving was hard, I can't imagine Christmas and New Years. Christmas lights are being put up and they are depressing me more and more. A New Year is coming up and it will be Peteless. I hope friends will understand the lack of cards, presents and holiday cheer this year.

I have always been a "Get Over It" person, and for the first time I can't. Physical barriers and "consistant" barriers are easy to deal with. You can make a plan and go for it. Emotional issues are sooooo much harder. While they are always there, sometimes they hide in the background and other days they just jump out and slap you down. Somedays I wish there was a switch I could just turn off until it all went away. 3 months and counting and I still don't have a grip on it.

There was an accident on the way to work today. A car was not paying attention and went under a truck that was making its "wide turn" One of those thiings that you see coming but have no way to stop. You hold your breath and say a quick prayer that the person ends up ok. Be alert to whats around you. Your loved ones don't want to be without you.

My son was being pleasant this morning. Something teenagers aren't normally with their parents. I love when I see that part of him. It gives me hope that he will get his act together and be a produtive citizen.

Can I tell ya how much I love my furry, four legged, children. The cats have been over affectionate and the ferrets have been more entertaining and playful than usual. Must be the cool weather that has set in.........they bring a smile to my heart and soul.

Another "Ethics Training" class to take......"Respect in the Work Place" Bwaaaahahahahaha!!! We will see what thoughts that brings out in me.....may be a blog entry in itself.

Oh well..................until later..........

Greed

Greed seems to be in abundance lately. Hmmmmmmmmm I thought this was the season of good will and giving.

Two bitches at work, and they are bitches for their shitty attitude about child support, are raking their ex over the coals. In scenario one, bitch #1 has a very well paying job, she collects an ample amount of money from her ex husband for her 2 children and then she collects another generous amount from and ex boyfriend whom she had her third child with. Between these 2 collections, she makes approximately what I bring home in a month. Throw on top of this what she makes here at work, and she is sitting pretty. But it’s not enough and she wants to take the ex boyfriend to court for more money. Bitch # 2 also has a well paying job here and has been collecting child support from her ex husband. He has willingly given her more than what is court ordered and one of the munchkins is not his. He has now lost his job and is currently unemployed and she is pissed because he is not giving her the "extra" amount. She wants to take him to court to get more than what she has been getting. She can't see the reality that she will probably lose money because he is not working. What kills me about this is that both dads are stand up guys. I know both sides in both cases. The dads are not dead beat dads. They pay their money, they spend quality time with the kids, and you hear the pride they have in their children when they talk about them. I can't figure out what makes women so bitchy that they have to do this to men who are being responsible for their children. I wonder if there is a shared reason for such bitterness, or if there is just a bitch gene that is in female DNA. Recessive in some and dominant in others. These 2 will go to such lengths to make the fathers miserable. These are the type of women I usually reserve the unspeakable "C" word for.
See, I am on the other end of the spectrum from them.

I think they should be grateful that the children have responsible fathers.
I think they should be happy that these men comply with what the court has set for an amount.
I think they should be happy that these men love their children.
I think they should be friggin grateful that they see any money at all from these men!

See, my son has a dead beat dad. A man who decided his son wasn't worth seeing. A man who never asks how his son is. A man who purposely, in the beginning, wouldn’t work, so he didn't have to pay child support. I have never seen a dime from him to support his son. And what is the killer is unlike the listed men above.......he didn't have some huge court ordered amount. $250.00 a month was all he was made to fork over each month. The effort and cost to pursue getting the money was out weighing what it would bring in. So at times I did without the basics, so that my son always had clothes on his back, food in his stomach and a roof over his head. Don't think I am not bitter about this..........our trials make us strong...........they help us grow in knowledge and character. Let them go back and see how others have to do without and how their "bitchiness" is nothing but greed and laziness. I would just like these women to recognize that they should be thankful, because for every one mother out there getting their child support there are 2 others that aren't.

******************************
My other story of greed was hearing about the gentleman that was hit by a car, when after a Bucs game he fell in front of a car when he went to pick up a soda he had dropped. Coke was handing out free cans of the C2 product. Apparently people were taking more than one can to try. It seems that a lot were taking more than they could carry and the streets were littered with unopened soda cans that people had dropped. Was he trying to pick up one of the many cans he was carrying, or was he just intoxicated and couldn't keep a hold on the can or his balance? Don't get me wrong, I am not saying a person’s death is justified by greed..... but maybe the women referenced above should take note

Couples

I resented them tonight.

I resented all couples tonight.

Maybe it was one too many or maybe it was just being vulnerable, but I resented couples tonight. I resented their closeness, their touchy feely, their whispered secrets. I remembered what I had, and I remembered what I missed. I remembere what I have lost. I hate being alone. I hate being without him.

Beauty

Well a good friend of mine commented on real beauty and asked his readers what we thought it was. (http://fhcjr.blogspot.com/) But comments only allow for 1000 characters, so I brought it over to my blog.

Unfortunately the media portrays anorexic twigs as beautiful, and people being people, follow along, both males and females. Females find the need to strive to look like super models at the risk of their health and men perpetuate it with their oogling and superficial comments. So many people don't want to take an indepth look at a person who is "flawed" in looks. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying all men are like that nor are all women. But, me, not being of the "beautiful" crowd can tell you stories.
Looking through a womens catalog for plus sizes, I noticed how the models were no larger than a size 10. If I were a size 16 to 28 woman, why would I want to see what the clothes, I want to buy, look like on a size 10 or smaller person? I called several companies that did this and ya know what I was told??? No one wants to see a woman that large!!!! Needless to say I boycotted those stores. Also, why is it that when I am on line minding my own bussiness, a man will IM me and start a conversation. No more than a minute into any of these conversations I get asked for a picture. I tell them I don't have one so they proceed to ask what I look like and the second I mention being over weight......bam!! the conversation ends. Funny thing is I don't tell them if its 10 lbs or 100.
It seems that no one wants to take the time to get to know me as a person because of weight. Quite frankly, I think I am a beautiful person. I am loyal to my friends, I give to the community, I am kind, I am forgiving, and have a wealth of love to give to a person who will see me for what I am.
Now I will agree about properly clothing yourself. I would never wear anything skin tight or skimpy. But I think the clothing you chose is out of respect for yourself. Dressing yourself appropriate for your body type and age is a must. It relfects how you feel about yourself. A large woman can make herself look drop dead gorgeous with the right clothing. Its all a matter of taking the inner beauty and conveying it on the outside. The thing is, can the media stop pushing "Barbie Dolls" as the ideal figure. I doubt it. But maybe people could start being less superficial and concentrate on what the soul and spirit brings vs what they eyes see.
I would much rather go out with a man who treats me well, respects me, and values me than some macho built guy with a great tan and perfect hair and teeth. Now I'm no saint. Eye candy is nice to look at, but if the ego is as big as the biceps and there is no one home upstairs, it ain't lasting past a one night stand. But I have to ask........ why is it that when I was 212lbs, no one would approach me, but now with the lbs that I have lost, they do? The only difference in me is weight. My personality hasn't changed any. My beliefs haven't changed, nor has my sense of humor or morals. (And by the way, the weight loss is being done for myself and my health)
True beauty is what is inside. Physical attractiveness is nice, but as we age, looks will fade. That is unless you can afford plastic surgery until you step into your grave. So what would you rather be looking at in your spouse when you are 80?? An empty shell of a person who can't hold a conversation or give a damn about you, or someone who still loves you and can still talk about anything regardless of how trival it may be.

The End of a Chapter

So it has come..............
I release a heavy sigh as I move on........ a nine year chapter of my life has ended. I spent the last week and a half closing up Petes house, getting rid of his car, and selling his belongings. Now I am left with the items I chose to keep and those that need to be mailed out to close friends.

Maybe things will be a little easier now.

Maybe I can concentrate on learning how to actually deal with the pain and not just dull it in alcohol.

This is certainly not the way I ever expected this chapter to end. I always figured Pete's character would make appearances throughout this story and maybe have a bigger role in future parts. Guess it's not to be, and goes to prove that real life can have just as many unexpected twists as turns as any well written book. But what does the main character do without a best friend, or side kick? Makes the rest of the story look a little boring...........and lonely.

Poignant

my immortal

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much, that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

Fights and Battles

I mentioned to a close friend that I was cleaning out my sons room because after 2 months of nagging I got no results and bugs were starting to come from it. My frends response was, take away the car keys and tell him he ain't going no where until it is done. I pondered this and realized that that would have been my normal path to take, so why wasn't I doing it? Now I am not looking for any sympathy here, but I think its because I am just too tired to fight anymore. The battles have been on going since April. One stressful event after another. I think my coping abilities are barely hanging on andI know the nerves are frazzled almost beyond the point of repair. It certainly doesn't take much to send me into a fit of tears. My house is still in disrepair from tha last hurricane and I barely seem to find time to sleep....... that is, when my mind allows me to sleep. Most of the time the only way I can sleep through a night is to have one too many....not really a good plan. But back to the battles............................right now I just rather not take on more than I can handle, I'm still feelinng a little overwhelmed. Another fight, no matter how small, is one more too many. Maybe next year I can lower the white flag.....................

No, Its learning to live with it.

An aquaintance said to me the other day, "You look much better. You must be getting over Pete's death." My response was, "No not really, just coping better."

And this started me to thinking...............................

Do we "get over" the death of a loved one?? I don't think we do. I believe we just learn to cope with the void that has been created. If we got over it, I don't think we would ever miss that person again, or cry at the loss, or find ourselves picking up the phone to have a conversation, only to realize we can't do it. All my grandparents have passed on and I find I miss them to different degrees. One of my grandfathers passed away when I was rather young. I miss him at
times, but not as much as I miss my other grandfather. He lived to be almost 100. He was around longer and had more influence over me. I miss his conversations, his knowledge, and his grumpy attitude that was just a facade. To me, as each person in your life passes, it leaves a wound on the human spirit, a wound that is big or small depending on the influence they had in your life. Wounds heal........and leave scars. We recover from the wound, but there is a constant reminder left in its place, that reminds us of the pain we felt and what we have lost. These emtional scars change us, just as a physical scars would. Sometimes they even remind us they are still there with a jab of pain or discomfort. Pete's death...........hurt a lot........it will leave a large scar............. No, I won't get over it, but I will learn to live with the void, and I will try to prepare myself for those days in the future when the scar will throb and be a reminder to what once was.

Is This All There Is?

I spent all of Friday and Saturday and half of Sunday cleaning out and packing up Petes house. I spent a considerable amount of time sorting through personal papers and small objects and photos collected over the span of his 35 years on this earth. As I went through these things, I sorted them out into piles......things that evoked my memories, things that I can't imagine anyone wanting, (for lack of any forseeable purpose) and things that might mean something to other friends and family, and things that could be sold. I ended up with 7 trash bags of the "I can't imagine anyone wanting" catagory. I found this depressing........ very depressing. I tried to imagine what significance these items may of had to Pete. I mostly came up blank. Would he be looking down at me for throwing out things that he treasured, simply because I did not know the value they had to him? And I thought ....... "What would someone think going through the items I have collected through the years?" How much of my "stuff" would get thrown out??

Is this all our lives turn into? Junk to be thrown out after we pass?

I know that my memories of him are representative of what his life was, but these things that mean something to us as an individual, are those now lost memories ............. ones that only live in one person, ones that will die with that one person? Maybe I just feel depressed about not understanding....... maybe I missed knowing a part of his personality or character. ............. maybe I don't like to think that our lives are brought down to such trivial things.

A NOBODY

Me and Pete

Wow.....I am officially a nobody. I knew Pete for 9 years and dated him for 8. We lived together for the past 4 years. I know him better than anyone, and I believe that to be an honest and true statement. I know his secrets, his childhood stories, his dreams and hopes, and I know the life he shared with me. Yet in his death, I have become a nobody. No one wants to talk to me because we never sealed the deal and got married. They rather talk to his mom in PA whom he saw 4 weeks out of an entire year, because she is blood. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, but wouldn't you rather know the facts, than get a guesstamit. It doesn't matter that I know what the mortgage payment is, or the car payment, or what his credit card balances were. It doesn't matter that I have the passwords to all the accounts and know the balance of the bank accounts. I can not be spoken to because I am not a blood relative and we did not make our lives together "legal". Isn't that ironic.....to know everything there is to know about another, but yet your are nothing in the eyes of the law because of a piece of paper.

I guess that piece of paper knows everything.

Why

OK so I have been out drinking......................but why is it that the more I try to forget, the more I remember??

Truly Meaning What You Say

Isn't it strange how when a tradgedy happens to you so many people want to come out and help you. They make the general offer of, "If you need anything just let me know." .............Have you ever tested that? In recent weeeks I have. Its funny how suddenly a person gets very busy or clarifies what they meant. Suddenly there are limitations to "if you need anything"? Well in truth I expected that. It seems that people have nothing else to say to you and that is just the generic line to spew out. So why say it if you don't mean it? Why do we feel obligated to offer help to someone who is in a bad situation or has suffered a loss if we know we can't do anything? Would'nt it just be better to say nothing? To me, it says a lot about a persons character, when they put out an offer that they can't deliver on.........kinda like writing a check you know will bounce. It makes people suspicous and wonder, if they cash the check, will it be returned insufficient funds? Isn't that what an empty offer is? Try saying something like. "Sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you" or if an illness, "Wow this is such a tradgedy, I hope you recover soon."

Simply...........Don't offer what you can't give.