Major Monday Blahs

I hate Mondays......... mostly cause I have been having these really great weekends and then I have to go back to a job I hate. It really sucks spending 45+ hours a week someplace you hate. But today was even more depressing because today would have been Petes birthday........ one of those things that comes back to jab at you and remind you. And I hear those words bouncing off the walls that everyone saying to me........ your moving on with your life so look to the future and not the past, but I look at it this way......... I only have the past to look at to remember him. Its not that I don't want to move forward with my life, its that I don't want to forget this wonderful person. I want to remember his face, his voice, his infectous laugh, and the giving person that he was. We can move forward in our life.....but there are always parts of our heart that get left behind with those that we loved deeply. These are the pains that don't ever go away....... and maybe..... they are what tell us to love and live more fully.

Mortality Reminder

I thought several times these last few days why this lesson is repeated on me. I understand it very well. Maybe I am just meant to emphasize it to everyone else. Two things happened this week............
I went to a funeral
and
Pop had a heart attack and had triple by-pass.

Skip was diagnoised with cancer 3 months ago. It ravaged him quickly and we laid him to rest today. I looked at Mrs G and saw myself 20 months ago. During the service I cried for my loss as well as hers. Wounds may heal but the scars serve as reminders and at times leave us vulnerable like achy joints on rainy days.

Pop had his surgery last night. I went in to see him even tho I knew he would not know I had been there. I wanted to touch his hand and whisper in his ear that I loved him.

So many tubes...... so manny fluids.......... so many machines......... life is so fragile

He looks better today...... sans tubes

So with all of this fresh in my head I again tell everyone..... mend your fences..... and tell your friends and family that you love them...... don't put it off, tomorrow could be too late

A reminder from my lesson

Aging Rock Stars

So this past weekend BC and I went to Coachman Park in Clearwater to see some old bands and musicians. I was hoping to be there early( 2is) cause I wanted to see John Ford Coley and Terry Sylvester of The Hollies, but someone, eh hem, had to get some work in on a Saturday, but I mostly wanted to see Lou Gramm, lead singer from Foreigner. Poco was also playing and a band called PinMonkey, which turned out to be country-western. When we got there Pin Monkey was already playing and wasn't too bad but never hearing of them I didn't know any of their music. Poco was on next and they were great! By 8PM it was time for Lou Gramm and the audience was really stoked. We were all dying to hear the old Foreigner hits. So Lou Gramm was announced and everyone went crazy. He came out singing and I looked at BC with a scrunched up face.......is this a joke? BC was laughing. This couldn't be! The man on stage was only half way through Double Vision and he was huffing and puffing and what was worse, he was warbling! The music was playing Double Vision, but the words were almost inaudible and off key!My mouth was agape. I was hoping that I was just hearing wrong or that any moment the REAL Lou Gramm would come out. 4 songs later and the man on stage was so outta breath he could bearly talk. The next song was I've Been Waiting, when he started into one of my all time favorite songs and couldn't stay on key, I just couldn't take anymore. I looked at BC and asked if we could leave.......I think he was still too busy laughing and rolling on the ground.
So I have pondered this for a few days now and can still only say to myself, "How sad!" Here was a man who had an incredable voice and was trying to live off that reputation and those old glory days. It seems that he had some major health issues back in 97 or so. He was diagnoised with a brain tumor. He had surgery , and although the tumour was benign, it resulted in radiation therapy and a year of rehabilitation. So I imagine that somewhere this took a toll on the voice, but has he not realized that he no longer carries the wonderful voice that rocked so mant people years ago? Has no one told him? Does no one care that he is up in front of people making a sad pathetic soul of himself? Why would the public accept this? Do we applaude and cheer because of what he once was? Personally I find it sad when we have to live in the past to feel good about ourselves today. Life is ever changing and we need to learn to go with the flow. Deal with what has been put in your path and move on.

Nothing Like Kids to Bring You Down

My son's car needs to be fixed. He wants to spend 3K on a new engine. I told him to go see what he can get for a non collateral loan if I cosign. (I want him to establish some credit) He proceeds to whine that he doesn't want just to fix the car. He is tired of his friends getting everything and he gets nothing.
Earn it I say....save money.....
It only falls on deaf ears. He proceeds to whine about the fact he has so little compared to his friends. He wants me to get a better job.
I remind him he I 18.
Again...He says....I am tired of having nothing....... Its a shame he doesn't remember the days after I left an abusive marriage and snuck out with the truck, clothes, half his toys, 3 pieces of furniture and our lives.
I look around and I see a house that I have provided..... food in the fridge......clothes on his back....... a computer....a tv in his room...... a stereo in his room..... and a car that works most of the time.
I look around and I see a load of wealth.....
He sees nothing.
It breaks my heart.

Quick Quips and Ramblings

I went to the east coast with BC (last known as Mr X) last weekend and met up with with two close girl friends. What a blast. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun! Friday we were all up until 3 AM laughing away the whole evening and early morning. Saeurday was awesome as we went down to Sabasstians Inlet and watched the surfers from the pier and then sat on the rocks just soaking in the sun, breeze and sounds. That evening BC fixed a wonderful dinner for us girls.....mmmmmmmmmmm was it deeee-lish!

The rugrats not around much. He caught himself a new GF and she has her own place. I wonder how long that will last?

Work sucks more than ever.......top of my to "do list" .......GET A NEW JOB.....second on my "to do" list, GET A NEW JOB!!

I have been side tracked for 2 months now (pleasantly I will add) but I must start getting focused back on home projects.

Looking for the Exit Ramp

So I sit here and ponder my life lately and can't help but wonder if the man upstairs is getting a chuckle as I go through the dance steps of trying to live a happy life. Sound bitter, well maybe a little, after all I have lived some years of bliss where everything seemed so near perfect. Was I taking it all for granted? I don't think so.......I remember many prayers of thanks, many days of looking at what I had and thinking things were good and I finally had things right. My own home, a good man by my side, a job I loved and a son that was finding his way and turning into a productive adult. I was content. I was happy. Life was serene and good. I always wondered when the shoe would drop. Maybe thats why it did, because I was waiting for it........
So one day I wake up and see my job bought out by a corporate giant, and things slide down hill, lay offs are around every corner, no job security, then the little things hit.....the car gets wrecked, then medium things hit.....pets die, issues with the kid, and then the grande finale!..........Pete dies. Every thing just went to shit! For 18 months I sat in a big pile of shit! Shit everywhere I looked! As much as my friends tried, they couldn't help lift me out. This was something I had to do on my own.......so I did. I climbed over the loss of the pets, the car and got my son back on track.......I found a new job, which I liked and enjoyed........finally let go of Pete and let a new person in my life. So things should be back to bliss right? No.......once again the job has started to quickly go down hill and I can't help but wonder what is to follow......this road looks familiar and I need to get off it before anything else happens.
Scared?
Nervous?
Worried?
Paranoid?
Yes to all of the above. So if someone knows where the exit ramp is, please let me know I would gladly like to choose another route.......one that will take me back to the happy days.

Birthdays

Yes another one creeps up here in a few days and as usual I tell those that remember, to forget it. Its no big deal and just let it pass. But no.......most people then assume that I don't like birthdays because it means I am another year older. Truthfully though, this doesn't bother me, whats another year? I don't feel like I am getting old. I don't feel like I am getting nearer to a foot in the grave. In fact I don't have a problem revealling my age. What has given me a dislike for my birthday goes back to having my birthday forgotten and a lack of close ones being able to plan a birthday. When I was married for many years I didn't have a birthday. My ex could never remember it, so it just passed and I got used to it. In later and recent years people remember and ask whatcha wanna do for your birthday. The words I speak say" Its no big deal, let it pass" What I think in my head is " What..... I gotta plan it?"
If you truly want to do something for a friend or family members birthday, take the initiative and handle planning the details. I appreciate when someone comes to me and says they want to treat me out on my birthday and to just keep the night free. This is the way I have always handled it with my friends and believe they truly appreciate not haveing to plan what they want to do while another pays. Its called putting forth an effort to please a friend or family member. After all I just figure if I am asked to plan my birthday, next I will be asked to pay.

The Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything

While many will not understand this, those that truly knew Pete will.

Well I decided to go face my last ghost in my life with Pete. I went to the beach to watch a sunset. As I drove out I hoped to see one ofthe brilliant ones that Pete and I often saw together. If I was to say a final goodbye, then I wanted it to be spectacular. I arrived on the beach and sat on one of the benches that Pete and I had sat on so many times before. As the sun began to go down I noticed thick clouds on the horizon. There were no brilliant colors in the sky, no rays piercing through the clouds, only haze and occassional oranges. I felt disappointment flood over me. I felt abandoned was about to call it a loss when I saw a pattern in the clouds that reminded me of a fish........... or a dolphin maybe. The orange of the sunset colored the body of the fish and it captured my attention. I watched it slowly swim it's way across the sky. I sat there on the bench and started laughing hysterically, any passer by would have thought me a lunatic. The words that went through my head were: So long and thanks for all the fish!

Is It a Once In A Lifetime Thing?

Wow seems I have been a little busy with things. So…. Mr X and I have had 5 dates total now. He is a really nice guy and doesn't mind that I am still a little messed up in the head. What it all comes down to in my thoughts though, is that I wonder if in love you can find the real McCoy twice. I loved Pete unquestioning and unconditionally and our relationship was very unique to me. I trusted so completely. It seems everyone spends a lifetime looking for that one true love. The one person you will spend the rest of your life with. The one who will love you the way you in turn love them. If a person finds it once, loses it to death, can one be so lucky as to find that kind of love a second time? If not what is the point of looking? We would be settling for seconds on any future spouse we take. Or could love be what we make out of it, what we put in as an effort and in turn what our spouse puts into it. Maybe true love, the real McCoy, is two people so devoted to each other that neither lets up in the way they work at the relationship. Maybe its both people putting forth everything they have to make life good, to make their relationship strong. After all, nothing of true value is easily earned.

Little Thieves

Some have had the pleasure of meeting my liitle carpet sharks. They are sneaky little creatures that will steal at any given opportunity. I often warn my friends to keep their purses shut and not to leave keys or wallets laying on chairs or coffee tables. I usually clean out under my bed once a week from these little horders. It is their main hidey hole and collection drop off. I missed a week and here is what they collected in a two week period:
5 Magazines
1 Exedrine box
1 Anti acid box
1 Fly swatter
1 toohbrush pakage
1 empty razor package
1 Bible
1 Christmas decoration
1 Dorito bag
7 Rattley mice cat toys
1 kitchen timer
10 wine corks
1 shoe
3 flip flops
1 squeky toy
3 balls
1 battery pack
1 stuffed teady bear toy
1 curler
Several pieces of kibble
1 package of coffee filters 2 stress balls
1 rope toy 1 watch (missing for some time now) 1 lid to a Pringles can 1 sock 1/2 a cookie

Home Improvements

Well I spent all day today painting cabinets and putting on new hardware. I got the upper cabinets done but still have the bottom ones......guess that will wait until nect weekend. Then I will have before and after photos........

Overwhelmed

So today I went out on my first date since Pete passed.

He was very nice and very sweet and very much the gentlemen. He had business in Sarasota so we went down there while he took pictures of real estate( he is a property appraiser) and then we hit the restaurants and did some bar hopping in Longboat Key. What I thought was going to be a 5-hour day turned into 9. I had a really nice time, but I got home and once alone I cried. Going on this date was admitting to myself that Pete wasn't ever coming back. It was admitting that, that part of my life was gone and that, that part of my life was over. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to acknowledge. I hate they way I feel. I hate saying goodbye. I know that no one will ever take his place, but it hurts knowing that all I wanted will never be and that the person I saw myself growing old with won’t be sitting in the chair next to me in 30 years reminiscing over the silly little things in life. I want to move forward but I still find it painful to let go of the past. Love, interrupted, and stolen, does not pass quietly.

Blog Stalking

Blog Stalking

I thought I was being original, but have found others who have recently discovered the act as well.
I have seen two instances.

One just posts nasty grams on the same blog.

The other is a bit more agressive. She not only comments on his blog but goes to his usual reads and leaves comments there as well. Its kinda like a "here I am, all the same places as you"

Weird what people do to get attention...................

Burning Down the House (almost) and the Bank Account

Ouch!
What a weekend.
It started Thursday night and just continued on. The hot water heater was on its way out but I figured it would make it until Saturday when I had a new one coming. This proved wrong. Thursday night I noticed a dimming of the lights which is nothing unusual for this old neighborhood., but it did seem more tham usual. I stood at the sink washing dishes when there was a pop and sparks came flying out of the cabinet where the heater is kept. So much for the hot water heater lasting. I flipped the breaker for it and went about my business. The lights went out and then came on after a minute. This continued for quite a while so I called the electric company and they said they would be by in the morning.
Morning!!
I could have ashes by then!
I contemplated the situation and we flipped the breakers for everything but the fridge. In the morning I called and electrician. He showed up around 10AM and went to work. Progress Energy came out and replaced the arrial connction to the house it it was melted. Hmmm that sounds good. After 5 hours the electrician found a UPS system going bad which had started sending surges back through the electrical system and eventually burned out the breaker for that section of the house. He began his repairs and once completed we sat around for 30 minutes with all the house lights on….. not even a flicker. I was thrilled so I wrote a painful check and away he went. Night came and as I watched tv I noticed a dimming in the lights….. 45 minutes passed and nothing. OK it was my imagination and I was being parinoid, so I relaxed once again. Oooops, lights out. More like SHIT!!! So once again when we went to bed everything was turned off at the box except the fridge. I got up early on Saturday and tried the electrician. No answer , so I left a voice mail. After an hour there had been no call back so I called another that said they worked Saturdays at the regular rate. While I was waiting on him to arrive the plumber showed up to put in the heater. I had an uneasiness about him….he was dirty or odd looking, and no strange quirks, he just didn’t make me comfortable. Well he worked on getting the old one out and when he attempted to put the new one in it didn’t fit. Not a problem he says, I’ll just get a smaller one. So I went from a 40 gallon down to a 30 gallon. The second arrived and it did not fit either.
OK,….. DAMN!!!
So he took this one back out to his truck and says…….sorry there is nothing more I can do for you today and states he will have the office call me on Monday to set up an appointment for later next week.
HUH!!??
He says he capped off the pipes and with that leaves.
Now I am a little upset at this and go to rinse out a glass. As I turn on the water it comes spewing out from the suposidly capped pipes
NOW I WS REALLY MAD!
I called Home Depot installation and tried not to yell as it was not that poor persons fault. But let them know that I was not happy, was really pissed off and wanted to have them remove the charge from my card as I had no hot water heater at my house and nothing was installed. Home Depot, NEVER AGAIN! (A previous attempt with H.D.) At this point the new electrician showed up and he went to work on finding the trouble and I called a plumber that my mother usually used. He was kind enough to come out and properly take measurements and then capped off the lines correctly. He apologized that he could not get me a heater until Monday, but promised he would get prices and give me an estimate on Monday and if someone would be home, would install it that day as well.
Well that was certainly better than the next weekend. I thanked him and he left.
Then the electrician tells me he believes he has found the problem and that he can fix it easily.
Thank God!
It was the main breaker. While the first electrician had bee correct is his diagnosis, he did not find all of the bad parts. A newly installed main breaker and another check and I am fixed, well except for no hot water.
Electricians total???? $652.38 and I still have a hot water heater to buy and a plumber to pay.

Quick Quips and Rambling Thoughts

• This constant hot, cold hot, cold weather is giving me such bad sinus headaches. I wish mother nature would make up her mind. Here again its in the high 30’s to low 40s and by Thursday it will be back up to the 80s. Me head just wants to explode.

• This morning I was getting ready for work and as I made my breakfast, I noticed a concert of crunching sounds. I turned to look and there were all six ferrets with their heads in the food bowls eating kibble. I rather enjoyed the sound and sat down at a chair in the kitchen and joined in with my Kashi cereal.

• I wish I were musically inclined. I tried playing the flute in grade school and then tried the piano and guitar. I eventually realized that I just didn’t have the coordination to make both hands do two different things. I also found that I just couldn’t read music. I next tried singing. I found that it was best to contain that to my car when alone. What I don’t understand is my father played the violin and my mother the piano. (They never played professionally but was enjoyable to listen to.) My uncle on, my fathers side, has a music shop and recording studio and all his kids play an assortred amount of instruments very well. I wish they hadn’t horded all the musical genes. Maybe that’s why I so thouroughly enjoy listening, I appreciate it more because of my lack of ability.

• I finally decided on some colors for my ugly kitchen spruce up……no I gotta get the right mindset to do it.
  
  

Dislike Found

Now remember I work in an office of 4 people.

OK, so after 5 months on my job I tripped over my first speedbump at work and found something I don't like. I don't like the isolation that I feel has been forced upon me. I got in trouble at work today for sending out personal e-mails and receiving them. In my 5 months I am guilty of sending or recieving 128 personal e-mails. If you break that down, into groups of 2, because usually if you give, you get, and if you get, you give, you know, each e-mail sent or received elicits at least one response. So, I had 64 exchanges of information, at a maximum, in 5 months. For this, I got threatened to correct my ways, or miss my next evaluation raise. Nice........... no e-mail correspondence with non business personnel, no IMs with anyone, and limited personal calls to family members. While your at it just throw me into solitary confinement.

Love at First Sight

Today a discussion came up of love at first sight. The question set forth was, did you believe in it. My response was a strong "Yes!"

Peter was about 7. It was a Saturday morning and he was raring to go to his hockey skating lesson. So in the car and off to the rink we went. We got there and I helped Peter get his skates on and out to the ice. I took my usual place in the stands to watch. John, his skating coach was out there and so was a new coach. I stared at him and watched him almost the entire lesson. A girlish giddiness came over me and I couldn't help but laugh. I felt butterflies! This was just silliness, but it felt nice as I was at a point in my marriage where even the tought of my husbands touch made my skin crawl. After his lesson we always stayed for the public skate so Peter could practice what he had just learned. As I turned to walk out to the front desk I almost ran into this new coach.
"Um sorry, excuse me" (Damn I am such a dork)
He smailed and continued through the door to the outer lobby.
Peter and I got on the ice to skate and who else should come skating out? I stood still and once again, came the butterflies. All I could think was "don't fall, don't fall" And then he skated over to one of the 20ish girls, gave her a hug and a kiss, and disappointment spread throughout. I began to scold myself...."How silly is this!?" Here I am mooning over a guy I don't even know, he has a girlfriend and I am still married to an ass! What is wrong with me!
With that I turned back to my son and helped him through the things he had learned and encouraged him to keep trying when he messed up and fell. The next thing I knew there was a voice from behind. "Here, let me show you" and the new coach moved closer to Peter and demonstrated the manueuver he was trying to conquer. He spent about 3 minutes with Peter and then turned and introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Pete." I was glad it was cold in there because the pinkness in my cheeks could be blamed on the cool temperature in the rink. I looked in his face and knew I saw him in my future.

The butterflies hung around for a long, long time, and so did Pete.

18

So my child has turned 18.

There are days I never thought he would make it cause I wanted to strangle him.

But he has turned out pretty damn good.

Today he had a BBQ and had all his friends over. I, of course, had some adults over as well to keep me company and to provide a more stimulating conversaion other than car, cars, who is wearing what and shouldn't, cars, teachers, todays "music" artists and oh did I mention cars? On the menu was grilled chicken, pulled pork, beans, cole slaw, and baked potatoes, and of course cake. The weather was great and in the evening the fire pit was great for a little warmth and ambience. The kids (teenagers /almost aldults) chowed on the food, laughed and all seemed to have a great time. As I hibernate in my room, at 11PM, with kids still all aroound my house, I guess I would have to say it was a success. A very nice group of young adults. So I here I sit and contemplate they day Peter was born and how he has affected my life and how in my darkest days he was what gave me the strength to get up in the mornings. Mysweet little boy has turned into a wonderful young man.

?????????????????

Geeeeez, I must really have my head in the sand. I am driving down the street and maybe a little over a mile away, new condos and strip mall are being built. Its half completed and its the first time I have noticed it. I don't know if it is because I drive the same route to do shopping as I do to go to work or if its because I have been such a homebody and haven't gone anywhere on the weekends........wow wake up girlie!

First Day

Here he is on his first day.......errrr, evening of college classes on the 10th. I couldn't resist annoying him with first day of school pictures.

Quick Quips

• I was driving to work the other day and was sitting at a red light and noticed bulldozers taking down a building that used to be a popular bowling alley. Many a Saturday nights I was there playing Midnight Madness Glow Bowl. I almost always broke even or won a few bucks. Funny thing is, it's right next to a newly built strip mall located on the grounds of what was the hotest mall when I was in HS.
• My son chose to start playing hockey again with the Midget A's. He had quit because a jackass of a coach was coaching the Midget Double A squad. He has since decided he loves the game too much and would rather at a level below his skills than not at all, and maybe help a few otheres out along the way. I loved watching him play today.
• A week on South Beach. I haven't weighed myself but the waist of my jeans aren't so snug.
• Peter turns 18 on Friday. I can't believe I made it 18 years with out totally losing it! LOL He starts college tomorrow.

Battle of the Bulge

Well the holidays are over and the extra poundage has been put on. Now comes the task of taking it off. I guess I will go for the holiday weight and a little extra...... I will start with 20 and then an extra 10 after that.

Resolution...... no a goal, for 2006.

I was inside leaning against the door frame of my front door. Looking at the Christmas lights accross the street, I popped open my beer. I watched the lights as they blinked and moved about from the breeze. I was trying toremember about when it was that I started losing the excitment of Christmas. It wasn't hard to remember when it was that I lost the last shred of it, but I wanted to remember exactly what year it was that there was just was a little less umpff than the previous years Christmas. I thought back over the years of dealing with my mother in her post stroke personality........her irrational behavior, her threats and her guilt trips. I would guess that that would have to have been the start of the decline. But, my first Christmas in my new house, was better and as Christmas's came and went in this house things improved until 2004, when it all crashed. As I looked at those lights, I wondered if I could get it back. And thus, I started thinking about the new year to come. I needed it to be different. There have been too many heartaches, too many struggles and way too much bullshit. I am tired of feeling lost. Maybe at midnight I should grab on to 2006 and demand it be a better year! Demand it treat me right. Tell 2006 I deserve better, that I deserve to be happy, that I am owed a good, successful, unburdened and happy year! I want more than the humdrum, same shit, different day routine.

So for 2006, I just want to find myself.

My Glass Menagerie

I was at home on a weekend and was watching tv. It was about 1 in the morning, and I heard footsteps coming up the stairs of our condo and new who it was. Not wanting to deal with him I turned off the tv and booked for the bedroom. I didn't make it. The door opened and in came my drunk husband. This was never a pleasant scene.
"I see your up. I'm hungry. Fix me some fuckin eggs and bacon!"
" Its really late. I was just heading to bed."
"I said, fix me some fuckin eggs and bacon!"
Not wanting to start anything I obliged. I went into the kitchen cooked the bacon and then the eggs, runny, sunny side over. I handed the plate to him and was about to make it to the bedroom door when a plate went whizzing by me and splattered me with egg yoke.
" GOD DAMN IT!! You over cooked them!" A one sided argument pursued. I knew it was a lost cause. When it got like this only one thing followed. This night he chose to break things that meant something to me. 6 years earlier my brother had given me a hand blown glass unicorn. It wasn't the average type that you find in the stands at the mall. This one was different. It was made from clear glass and very intricate. To give it texture the artisan had done spiral curls with the glass. The mane was made of whispy leaf like pieces, and the tail of individual hairlike stands. It was absolutely beautiful. It was mounted on a polished piece of wood and incased in a glass box with a mirrored background. It sat on the highboy in the living room. Michael comtinued to yell. He was walking toward me and I was preparing for what was to come, Instead he grabbed the treasured unicorn off the highboy and flung it accross the room. I could only gasp and watch it hit the wall. My heart was crushed. You could hear the glass as it shattered inside the box. It sounded like crystal that exploded from a singers perfect high pitched note. As it hit the ground I ran for it. The box itself hadn't broken but the unicorn was destroyed. It was nothing but shards of glass. I cried and I cried hard. I knew he was standing behind me taking pleasure in my pain. I couldn't look at him and was too frightened to turn around. As I cried, I heard the front door open and then shut. He was gone........... I picked up what was left and went to the bedroom. I placed the box on the night stand and eventually fell off to sleep. In the morning I was still alone. I layed in bed as the morning sun came through the window. I rolled over to look at my precious unicorn. Life had srtuck another blow. I couldn't help but think how my life was just like the unicorns. It was nothing like I thought it would be. Why was I stuck in this life. A life of shards that couldn't be put back together. A life of pain. A life reduced to no worth. As I was contemplating the wrong ways out of the life I had come to know, the sunlight from the window hit the remains of the unicorn. I watched as brilliant colors danced and sparkled across the pile of broken glass. I was fascinated and thought of diamonds. As the sunlight moved off the box, I was amazed that even broken glass could transform itself into something else of beauty....... and then, I realized that even my life, held hope for transformation into something of worth and value. I just had to find it.

A Twinge of Christmas Spirit

So this year I actually have a slight twinge of Christmas Spirit. I bought a tree and put it up. While all of the ferrets took an interest in the tree, three decided to help out. As I was decorating it Tauvi decided she wanted to be the angel atop the tree. Woozle inspected the way the ornaments were put on the tree and Teeki makes sure there is enough water.

My Latest Attempt

Last night I made another attempt to ferret proof my couch. The pictures show the damage they have done over the years of diging to get inside it, which the have down to and art now. So I cut some wood and laid it along the sides to prevent them from getting in, and lengthwise to keep it to the sides and to support the center. We will see how long it takes. I had alaready taken heavy fabric and sealed the bottom of it up. (Its a hide - a -bed) I know most people would be upset buy the damage, but I only paid $100.00 bucks for the couch at the Goodwill Store, and even if I remove the sheets I keep over it all the time, the damage doesn't show.
The code of ferrets - chaos, disorder and mayhem. Gotta love those little guys :)

Person From The Past

I was sound a sleep the other night and my phone rang. As I answered it, I looked at the clock and saw it was 1:45 in the morning. First thing I thought was my son was out and got in trouble, and then I realized he went to bed before I did. A scratchy, sleepy "hello" came out of my mouth.
"Did I wake you?"
"Huh?" was all I could manage.
It took me a minute to recognize the voice from the past, and from the past it was. 10 years past to be exact. Isn't it strange that some people can come in and out of your life and when you meet it is as if there was never that great bridge of time between you. This was the third call between us and each time the conversation picked up as easily as before. He has made two and I, one. Each call has been at a time when one or the other needed a little peace of mind and an unbiased view of life. Isn't it strange how you can meet someone that makes time stand still between meetings, regarless of how far apart those meetings are. No we were never a couple, an item, or boyfriend and girlfriend. We were just two people who knew each other and helped each other through some really rough times.

Bumbled Words

I was out shoppping the other day and had picked up some gift cards for a friewnds birthday. I was sitting in the truck filling out the card and a woman tapped on my window. When I roled the window down she asked where I had gotten my bumper sticker. It reads "My heart belongs to a firefighter" She said her daughter just married a firefighter and she thought it would be great for her. I replied that it came off of one of the web stores but I wasn't sure which one cause Pete had gotten it for me a while ago. She asked what station he was at and I had to tell her that he died 15 months ago. Thing is it came out all flubbed up. I tripped over my words and every question she asked felt strange answering. It was the first time that a family member of another firefighter had spoken to me and it felt awkward. I'm not sure why.

The Perfect Holiday

So with the holidays upon us, I have been contemplating those past and present. I was trying to remember the one I would have labeled as the best. I realized that in most cases each one had certain elements that made it special. I wish I could combine all of those special ingredients to make the holiday season once again my favorite time of year. Here is what my recipe would have in it:

Fresh fallen snow
Cool crisp air
The excitement you felt as a child
The magic (ie believing in flying reindeer)
The smell of apple pie, sugar and cinnamon
Crackling fire
The smell of pine from the Christmas Tree
Holiday music
Friends
Brothers
Sister
Mom and Dad
Sons
Daughters
aunts
Uncles
Cousins
Grandparents
And whatever other extended family you can find.....
Laughter
Conversation
Scenery: Massachusetts / Woods / Family Estate /Warm house
Food, food and more food
Colored lights
The joy you felt opening the present you just had to have more than anything.
No cares
No worries
Love
Jingling sleighbells
A sleigh ride
Contentment and peace

Take a Moment

I went to one of my favorite reads this evening, expecting the usual light heartedness, only to be saddened. Instead I find myself contemplating and praying for safe returns.
Tyler

Posing A Question

For several days I have had one question running through my head and so I put the question forth.................................

What makes your friends, your friends?

A Nothing Kind Of Day

Wow. Today I did something I haven't done in ages. Nothing. I did absolutely nothing. I spent Saturday doing all my yard work and house cleaning. I mowed the lawn, laid some patio stones, swept the decks, vacuumed, did the dishes, and cleaned the bathroom. And today I got out of bed....moved to the couch, watched tv, then 3 movies. I finally changed my clothes to go out and meet Fred for some drinks at 8......... It was kinda cool.

Completed

So here is the finished product. It took about 4 hours to set the tiles and then we let it set overnight. It took another 2 hours to grout and clean.I set the center and the two candle holders and then pretty much let Peter do "his thing" andthen I followed up with all the filling in.

Revelation

When Pete died I asked...
"What did I do so horrible to deserve this?"
And I continue to ask this everytime I have a bad day of coping, until now. What I realize is that Pete's death did not happen to punish me..................... but to reward him. My pain is just an unfortunate side affect.

Project

Ya I know photos are coming......... It took me most of Sunday to finish it and I didn't get it grouted until tonight.... pictures coming soon.....

Outdoor Counter

Here is my latest project. Back, 5 years ago, when I bought my house I had to rebuild the deck. The previous owners had built the 16X10 deck but they had only put one center support and used untreated wood. It was pretty nasty and you didn't dare walk on it in your bare feet. I had built this counter, I can store the grill under it from the other side, and experimented with the top of it. I had tiled it with bits of beach glass, old tiles from the bathroom, and other neat things that had color to them. Well after about 4 and a half years it is falling apart.....just the top........so I am redoing it. I studied what was wrong with it and will correct those mistakes.

I had only one support running lengthwise and the weight of the tile and grout really calls for 2.

Use more tile and objects this time and less grout.

Secure the wood sides with more screws this time....then it won't be able to warp.

Use a sealant over the treated plywood anyways.

I completed everything today but the decorating........I'll post pictures tomorrow after that is done. Till then.......happy projects!

PS....yes the rabbit cage in the background is on my list of "To Dos" Its getting removed.

Playtime

I came home from work tonight, put my things down, let the ferrets out of the cage and walked into my room to change my clothes. I could hear them dooking, and chasing each other through their tubes, and then I realized the house got strangely quiet. I had a quick panic, thinking maybe the back door hadn't closed all the way and that the children had scattered to the outside world. I ran to the back door and upon entering my kitchen found that my ferrets discovered several bags of packing peanuts while I was in my room reading emails. I am sure it was Tauvi who found them first and instigated the field of white. I sat down on the floor and watched while the six of them scooted through the peanuts, pushing them and then hopping wildly through them taking delight in the way they scattered. The static would build up in peanuts and they would stick to the ferrets coats. They little fuzzbutts would get excited as the little white monsters stuck to them. Such amusement. It only goes to prove if observe what goes on around us, we can find entertainment without turning on the TV.

Bad Children / Angry Mother

From the Associated Press
First 3rd of the article

From its beginnings, New Orleans has viewed the surrounding wetlands and Mississippi River as the logical places for its waste. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the city again is turning to the swamp.
East of the city's residential neighborhoods lies a large tract of swamp land that has been turned into an industrial corridor. Even before Katrina it was besmirched with scrap metal and used parts yards, rust-colored streams and dead cypress trees.
Making matters worse, environmentalists warn, is that the mounds of debris from Katrina also are winding up here.
Already, illegal dumping goes on in plain sight. On one road, a pile of paint cans, telephone poles, biological hazard bags and insulation reaches several feet high. Some of it has been pushed into the swamp next to the road.

Hmmmmmm ..................................

We build cities on lands that were meant to be under water.
We build levees to hold back water.
We run pumps to keep water out.
We buildland fills and dump everything in them with no regard for what it will do.
We dump trash randomly into swamps and wetlands,because we don't know what else to do with it
We feel we own the land and earth we occupy.

No wonder mother nature has been so angry.

Looking For Handouts

I don't get it................
If you were to come into my house during hurricane season you could look around and find the pretty close to the following items.
5 flashlights
10 candles that will burn for 7-10 hours each
2 lighters
6 gallons of water
6 pitchers that will hold a gallon of water
1 full ice bin with an ice chest ready to hold 12 gallons worth of ice.
3 non electric can openers
1 full tank of propane for the grill
1 mini canister of propane for a portable grill
28 cans of soup, pasta, chilli, and meats
10 cans of fruit
5 bottles of soda
2 weeks worth of cat food ( for the cats and ferrets of course)

Now I figure if a hurricane hits and I don't need to evacuate....this should get me, my son, and the critters through at least 2 weeks. By then, hopefully, there will be access to food and water elsewhere, or I have the opportunity to get out of Dodge. Its not that hard to plan, and its not that hard to keep those supplies around. If a hurricane hits, I have to be prepared to take care of myself and my family. It is my responsibility. I figure if the electricity goes out, then we start on the food in the fridge first......cook it on the grill and eat away. Next is the freezer since that will actually keep for a few days, then the canned food. Some things will actually require some prepping........ like making ice, filling the water pitchers etc, but its not like you don't get enough warning these days. The forecasts are reasonably accurate, sometimes to my amazement. Now if I am told to evacuate.......I am boarding up my windows (plywood is stored) packing up the afore mentioned supplies, irreplaceable mementos, important papers, the kid and the critters and heading out........way out......... Possibly to my brothers in SC or to my fathers in VA.

So why is it that so many people don't prepare and figure they will wait for government handouts, such as food, water and ice? 2 days after the hurricane and people are whining because they have to wait hours and hours in line for the basics..... did they not prepare? Did they not read the paper, see the television, or listen to the radio? All which were saying a hurricane was coming and for how many days did Florida painstakingly wait for it to turn from Mexico and come this way? Hellooooooooo??? Why did all these people in South Florida have less than a 2 day supply of provisions? What if the storm had been as bad as Katrina and made the roads impassable. What if the relief trucks couldn't get through for a week or more? What would these people have done? Most importantly, when did it become the governments responsibility to bail us out.? I always though it was help and relief that the government provided..... not support. Can you imagine these people living in Guatemala? Americans are becoming soft and losing their self sufficiency. Whatever happened to taking care of yourself. I guess that went out with the days of being responsible for your own actions.

I guess that those of us that find strength in ourselves, think for ourselves and take care of ourselves are a rare breed.

Little Thief

The cat food that we leave outside for mittens has been disappearing rather quickly. I thought another cat was eating the food so we started putting the food out only when Mittens showed up. With the cooler weather I had left the front door open and was letting the breeze come through the screen door. Last night as I sat in the living room watching TV, I heard some noises outside on the porch. I had fed Mittens about 30 minutes earlier and I knew there was a little bit of food left. I got up to see the culprit and what I found outside was the above critter. Peter has named him Awesome Possum.

Cool Nights

Wow Hurricane Wilma slams through and leaves us with cool temperatures. My AC is off and the windows are open. Ahhhhhhhhhhh fresh air to clean out the staleness of the house. The ferrets and the cats can't get enough of it.

When Does It End?

So to fill in any holes....... my mother and father have been in divorce court for 15 years......yes 15 years. My dad was paying alimony and child support like a good boy and when my sister and brother went to college he paid for that. Eventually all the kids were gone and he retired to a quiet life with his new wife in the hills of VA. When he retired he no longer wanted to pay alimony as the only income he had was his pension, which my mother got half of, and his social security check. My mother wanted to continue getting money so off to court they went, where they have battled it out for the last 15 years. Recently my father was thrown in jail for failure to pay alimony as he had been given a year to come up with a reasonable settlement. He made many offers and it seems none of them reached my mother, as her lawyer didn't think they were adequate. Well he eventually got a letter to report to jail, which he did. I learned of it 3 days after he went in, by a letter he mailed out to all his children.
Us kids have always stayed out of it and for the most part they kept us out of it..... but this I couldn't. So I talked to my dads wife to find out what had been offered and went to my mother....after several back and forths, they came to an agreement and we let the lawyers fill out the legal documents so that this could come to an end. Great....Mom got her settlement and a small monthly alimony and dad got his get out of jail card. You would think this to be the end of it right? NOT! I was sent some legal paper work for her to sign so that the case would be closed in FL as well. She got really pissed. She didn't like the fact that he was making it so she could not come back on him in future years. She particularly didn't like that clause that said she could not take him back to court for any further monies unless he stopped paying. I told her that if she signed the Va papers what was the problem with signing the Fl papers....her response was... "What if I get wiped out by a hurricane?"
Me: "Its not his responsibility"
Mother: " So what am I supposed to do?"
Me: "Thats what insurance is for and your other family members"
Mother: "He owes me. We were married"
Me "Were is the opprative word"
Mother: "And what about you?"
Me: "We'll if your wiped out by a hurricane, more than likely I will too. After all I only live
5 miles down the road. I am sure we would share a temp home untill all was fixed,
well, as long as you can deal with a teenager."
Mother: "Well thats all was your fault!"

( And that is a whole other story!)

So when does one person stop owing another person everything?

Why can't people drop the bitterness and move on with their own life?

Don't they realize that if they do, they will be happier? Dwelling on the crap that happened in the past only drags you down.

And why are some people so vindictive? Does it go back to their bitterness?

Ugh!

Oh yipeeeeee.......another hurricane on its way. I need to move.

Quick Quip

Geeeeeez!!! My kid is such a baby when he doesn't feel well. He whines more than Inglenook. I can't stand being around him when he is like this.

Sundown

I have been thinking a lot about sunsets...........
I would guess that it is because I now only work a short distance from a beach. I have pondered many times making a right turn toward the coast, but instead, everytime I get to that specific traffic light, I chicken out and go home. I still, just can't seem to do it. Ya know whats really silly? I haven't been able to watch Stargate. Pete introduced me to that show and we watched it together, every Friday....... The things we do to oursleves because of memories....................

Karma

I had to laugh at my son.

Tonight we were watching tv and a show came on called "Earl". Now if you haven't seen it or its previews, it about a guy who noticed that everytime something good happened to him, it was followed by something bad......really bad. He figures it is due to the fact that he did a lot of really shitty things to people through his entire life, so he figures in order to get good, without the bad, he give back to all those he took from. Sounds like karma to me.... you reap what you sew, you get what you give, what goes around comes around, and so forth. I have always been a firm believer in this. I always tell Peter to let things go when he wants revenge ...like when his car got egged. I tell him that in due time those responsible will get payback and to just let it go.....he tells me he is tired of my preaching and he is tired of hearing about karma.

My point????

He liked the show and watched 4 episodes with me..................

A Question Asked

I have a bumpersticker on my truck that reads: My "heart" belongs to a fireman. An aquaintance that I ran into Saturday said, "Your gonna scrape that bumber sticker off, aren't you?" I remember looking at the bumper sticker and then looking at her..... I said, "No...... he still has it." It was just what naturally came out of my mouth, and what was the truth. For the rest of the weekend I thought about Pete.
I called his old cell #.
A photographer has it now.
I called his house #.
It is in use.
Neither had been removed from cell phone. I can't bare to take them out. I thought, how can the world go on, when mine has stopped? Now, I do realize that the world does not revolve around me but this personal crisis, at times, still knocks me to my knees, and it seems that everyone should notice. Selfish, I know, but this is the biggest crisis and most painful that I have ever been through.

Sometimes I wonder why my friends still bother with me when I get into these moods. I know they don't understand, and I know they probably thinks to themselves....its time to get over it, but it just isn't that easy. I guess that is what makes them my friends.

I know I am trying to redefine who I am. Its not easy.

So while my world is frozen in time.....the rest of life moves on........ wouldn't it be weird if I came out of my coma in 2020....................................

Hockey At Last!

Ahhhhhhhhhh the sound of skates cutting ice, the slap of a stick on a puck, and the grunt of men as they pound into each other...........

I went to a preseason hockey game with Fred and Peter last night. When I walked into the Ice Palace it was like returning home. While the game was not that exciting, after all the new players are still being tested, while tried and true sit the bench, it was great to watch. I sure hope Burke steps it up a notch on his goaltending. It was a let down when Khabi didn't resign with the lightning, but I think Grahame wants to prove something and he was great as backup last playing season, so we can hopefully remain stong in the goal.

We hung out at Shots (an outside bar at the Palace) after the game and rubble rubble, the booze burgler was back as well. He must have had a dry season last year. Not having hockey really must have cut into his drinking habit. We all chuckled as he made his rounds.

Teenagers

I am so tired of dealing with teenager mentality.
I am really beginning to loathe them. I got up today and had a calm quiet morning and early afternoon, then I go outside to go to the grocery store and what do I find, my car and Peters car have been egged. WTF. I am so tired of this bullshit crap. I am sure that Peter's car was the target, and mine was hit because it is parked next to his, but I am tired of this shit....... I mean really tired of it....... Six months ago it was condoms and douche bottles all over the yard and smeared on the house....... then it was someone driving through the front yard after a heavy rain and tearing up the lawn.

What the fuck is wrong with these kids??

Why do they have no respect for private property?

Do their parents not keep up on when they are out? ( It happened after midnight)

I am trying to believe that karma will pay them back, but it still is pissing me off. Quite frankly I would like to knock them clear into next week.............or should I just say knock the snot out of them.

Waiting

My sister lives in Texas......Onalaska Tx..... we haven't heard from her yet, but hope all is well. I understand that phones are down, electricity is down, and so are cell towers. Only thing that worries me is that they had serious problems with the Livingston Dam and some areas were evacuated. Most problems in the area were down trees and the listed utility outages. I am sure all is well and we will hear from her soon

Quick Quips and One Not So Quick

QUICK

• My son and his girlfriend decided they wanted to spend time with me. We rented some movies and bought some pizza and bonded.

• Whats wrong in blog land? None of my regular reads are updating and even my favorite commentors aren't commenting, on mine or the others.

• When will humans learn that mother nature rules the earth. We can create great cities in places they were never meant to be, but she will take back the land when she wants it.

NOT SO QUICK

A week at my new job and so far I like it.
I feel comfortable.
I like the people.
I like the fact that I used less than half a tank of gas, where I use to use a full tank.
I like that I get paid every week.
I like that there are animals in the office......1 dog, and 2 cats.
I like that I can wear jeans and shorts to work.
I like that, while I have things to learn, they don't hesitate to throw things on my desk and say,
"Here..... handle it." knowing I can.
I think I can stay here for some time to come........

Dressed Up......Kinda

Well I promised pictures of Peter actually dressed up, but notice the loosness of the tie, baseball hat and his shoes....... I guess I will never win in getting him fully dressed up from head to toe. It passed his girlfriends inspection so I guess I will take this............ maybe at the prom we will be more thorough.

Homecoming

Peter's girlfriend wants to go to Homecoming and of course is dragging Peter aloong. We had to go out and buy him some nice clothes to wear, and ones that meet Jenny's approval on what she wants him in. Easy enough.....
black shoes,
black pants,
black shirt
and a tie the color of her dress.

Check
Check
Check and
Check

I can't wait to see him dressed up......last time he had on dress clothes was for my brothers wedding........ Peter was 11, I think.

Pictures to follow after the event on Saturday...........

Notice

Today I gave my notice at work.

I start a new job Monday.

This is scary for me......while I have been unhappy at work for some time now it is stil something familiar....... something that is there and has been there for over 7 years. We humans, are creatures of habit and change makes us uncomfortable. But I guess life is kinda like a set of monkey bars, each rung is a time in our life, and at some point you have to let go of one to move forwrd to the next. It is scary as we swing suspended by only one hand knowing that we have to grab the next. If we miss grabbing the next bar, will we fall, or do we have enough in us to continue to hold on with one hand while we figure out how to get our grasp with the other? I hope to find that I will have that firm hold as I believe that this new job is the only way to move forward....... no layoff worries and more money within 6 months.

A great book recomendation that helps deal with corporate change....... Who Moved My Cheese.

And another thought for today....
On a bottle of Aquafina: Pure Water-Perfect Taste
Shouldn't that be Perfect lack of taste?

Quick Quips

• Peter finally is working again. He got a job laying cable and fiber optics, and get this: Its a full time job, 40 hours plus OT and its a Mon thru Fri 8-5.
• My dad is in jail for alimony issues. My mothers friggin lawyer was given several offers for payment and on behalf of my mother turned them all down. He NEVER even consulted her! I called my mom and told her and is she PISSED! This is not a humorous issue, but, I never thought I would see the day when I was getting my father out of jail................
• Possible new job in the future........................
• I have volunteered to foster rescued pets; small exotics- ferrets, snakes, lizzards, etc, from Katrina. The SPCA was happy for volunteers who were knowledgable with these animals. No visitors as of yet.
• Watch out when using a debit card at gas stations.... Hess currently puts a hold of $75.00, of your hard earned money until your gas purchase clears......this could be anywhere from 1 to 3 bussiness days.

Quick Quip - A Common Gripe These Days

Gas!!

UGH!!

• I quit using my air conditioning just to save gas..... makes for more laundry.
• Reports are all over the US that people are actually calling into work, saying they can't get in, because they have no gas, and no money to buy any.
• People are being stranded along side the road because they run out of gas because they either don't have the money to buy it or pushed their car as far as possible, in order to not have to buy it.
• People are making choices between food and gas. (Me included)
  
  Oil companies reported record profits. When will the gov't regulate prices so that gas companies quit ripping off the public?

PA Trip

So I am back from PA. I have mixed emotions about the trip. Marge and Gordy were the best of hosts. I greatly enjoyed their company. It rained at least half the time I was there so we really didn’t get to do much and spent a lot of time loafing in front of the tv. When the sun was shining it was beautiful outside. No humidity, at least for us Floridians, a gentle breeze and just perfect so that shorts and t-shirts were appropriate with no sweat temperatures. The evenings would dip a bit cooler and almost required a light jacket. The first day of sun Marge took me to Pete’s grave….. I miss not having a place to go…. Then we went and visited Pete’s mom. That was rather depressing as she offered Marge and me a group of photos to go through and to take what we wanted. The rest would be burned. The were all photos of Pete and/or Joaquin, his dad, who had past 2 years earlier, almost to the day.. She is trying so hard to forget… and it seems her way to forget is to almost wipe out their existence. I guess we each deal with death in our own way, but I would think her way would make it hurt more because while photos and objects can be removed and wiped out, the memories can’t be erased. I choose to do the opposite. I have photos and personal belongings of his all over, and maybe this also prolongs the pain, because of the daily reminder, but I find comfort knowing that someone like Pete was in my life…. Someone who made a difference in my, and in Peter’s life.
On Tuesday I went to Westminster College where Pete went to school. The campus is small, quaint, and peaceful. It is made up of small…old stone and brick buildings. Marge also took to Slippery Rock, where she went to college. It is also made up of older buildings which have such charm and history about them.
Wednesday and Thursday continued to rain and I just hung out…watching tv, reading and surfing the internet, and had many a long conversations with Margie. Friday finally afforded me some sun and beautiful weather so I gave Marge and Gordy a break to have some time off from my presence and went back to the cemetery and sat with Pete and read a book. I found peace and tranquility in this, like I had never felt before. I wish that feeling could hang around all the time. After about 3 hours I said my goodbyes to Pete, although strange I would do that as I talk to him everyday, and I went and spent the rest of the day with Pete’s mom. Things were a little better this trip over there. We talked about the past and what I hoped to see for Peter….. we went out to dinner and drove around to where her new condo was being built. She wanted to see the progress of it. She has decided to sell her house and to move into something more manageable. She had started to do this before Pete had passed away. He had taken her around to look at several places and they had decided this particular place was the best for her. It is close to shopping and the condos are 55 and over so she will have a shuttle van to take her places. After that we went back to her house and watched tv and talked some more. Saturday evening I flew home.
Today I am left with a huge sense of loss…… as if everything happened yesterday. I realize that I still look in to peoples faces hoping it will be Pete’s, hoping that he is still alive and this has all been a mistake, that happier days will reign again and that I will no longer feel this emptiness. My head knows the truth but my heart still hopes.

…..and being back to the reality of the real world sucks……… when’s my next vacation?

Pathfinder

You learn to take a little bit
extra on the in-breath
just in case you come up short
when heartbreak comes.

You learn to lean a little
less than most, just enough
to catch yourself and keep a balance
should you start to fall toward the abyss.

You learn to love a little
more intensly should life
send grief to poke you in the eye
and a golden momment pass unseen.

You learn to speak the language
of the heart more clearly
to the ones you love just because
there's so many ways the nihgt can come
and stop you in your tracks,

so many ways the boot
can crush the rose.

Marilyn Houston

Outta State

So I am here in PA...... ahhhhhhhhhhh such cool weather compared to Fla. Its rained the first day here but thats ok.... it was still nice in the morning sitting in Margies back yard sipping coffee in my PJs and talking. I like staying here... Margies husband is pretty cool.... and have you ever met one of those couples that are just so incredibly made for each other. I love to watch their interactions. But enough... thought I would just touch base. Tomorrow I am off to visit Petes grave and to visit his mom........... hugs and kisses to my friends that I hold so dear......

A Year Gone By

I was flipping through my date book and found myself staring at the month of August. Not so much the month, but the name, the time of year. It has been almost a year since Pete died and it isn’t so much that I haven’t counted each month that has gone by since he passed away, because I have, but that it’s a year now. I still bare that heavy heart that was given to me last August and I have shed enough tears to flood the Sahara Desert. With his death I have learned many lessons, some harsh.
** Alcohol does numb the pain. I understand why people get lost in it when they don’t want to face reality. In large quantities it helps you forget. It allows you to fall asleep into a restless sleep, yes restless, but it is better than being awake and tossing and turning. It takes a sharp mind and puts it to sleep, allowing moments of forgetfulness.
** Most of the “couples” you hung out with no longer wish to hang out. Your singleness scares them. They start making up excuses and eventually you never see them again.
** While your head remembers vividly for a long time to come. Your friends forget much sooner and don’t understand your mood swings 6 months down the road let alone 12 or 18.
** The only thing I can imagine being worse than losing a spouse or significant other, is losing a child.
** Many people will come to the service and offer you help, but take it all with a grain of salt, because most will scatter and hide a day after the offer is out.

** Don’t let anyone dictate how you should feel. Only you know when you are able to take the next step.

Life itself has become very different. Sometimes when I go out to eat by myself, I look around and feel that I could be swallowed up by the emptiness I feel. I think about the future that won’t ever happen and what I have lost. I know I have become more of a homebody. Those spur of the moment things Pete and I used to do are no longer done. Random trips to the coffee house, Barnes and Nobles, and Bay Walk just don’t happen. I still have not been able to take myself to the beach to watch a sunset. Life has become predictable and routine, and I know this has drug me down, but still, a year later, see no way out.
I miss having someone holding me close at night.
I miss having someone to talk to at any time of the day or night.
I miss his hugs.
I miss coming home from work and finding dinner on the table.
I even miss the arguing between Pete and Peter.
Mostly I miss my best friend.
I think of the times I have watched movies and in them a spouse has died and at some point a person will say…. “It’s been a year. Its ok to date, you should be ready.” In truth, it doesn’t work that way. In truth it really does feel like a part of you has been ripped away, and you wonder if you will ever feel whole again. There are also those who will say, “You weren’t married.” No we weren’t but I knew him for 9 years, dated for 8 of that and lived together for 4. A piece of paper doesn’t make a damn bit of difference in emotions. You desperately want the closeness, but the thought of it with another still is not acceptable. Such a harsh conflict………………….
Losing a spouse or significant other is nothing I would wish on anyone, although it will happen to almost all of us in time. I look at those who throw away a marriage and wonder why. For every one that is thrown away there is another destroyed by death. I sit and think how unfair it is that I should suffer while others throw away what I long for.
But life goes on, and I must do the same………so each day I get up and think of one thing that makes the day worth while, and maybe, if I get out of bed for that one thing, I will be surprised and some event will happen to put the wind back in my sails.

Money Blues

Damn this month has been expensive!!!
1. A visit to Universal - so not worth the money
2. An escrow shortage
3. Peters Car Insurance since he is unemployed
4. Bill for blood tests
5. Magazine subscription renewals
6. New starter for truck

Now I really belong in the poor house. :(
Ya I know you probably want some cheese with that whine.

Quick Quips

It struck me today that I give my son too much credit for having common sense. He had to be at the courthouse today and he parked in a city lot with meters that was in front of the courthouse. He complained... loudly.... when he got a parking ticket. I asked if he put any money in the meter and he replied "no." He didn't think he had to put any money in the meter since he was required to show up at the courthouse and parked in the courthouse lot.

All my favorite bloggers must be in a dry spell. No ones posting. Ya, I know, I must be easily amused.

I am trying to learn some basic HTML so I can add a few things to my blog. Nothing fancy, just maybe a "Quote over heard" section on the side bar.

Woohooooo!!! Off to PA next week.

Memory Lane

I lay asleep in my bed this morning, a light sleep, and was awoken when I heard the paper delivery guy driving through the neighborhood. Phffffffffffwwwwwwwt thump....... as the paper landed in the neighbors yard. I pictured they guy driving down the middle of the road, slinging papers out of his car windows...... and I drifted off to my teenage years.......... when I was 12. I was remembering my brother and I getting up at 3:30 in the morning to deliver our papers. We delivered the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Company policy stated that papers were to be delivered by 6AM. We went out to the end of the driveway to retrieve the papers that the driver had just dropped off, loaded them into the large metal rack baskets that sat over the back wheel of our bikes, and headed off into the early morning air. Some days that air was warm, giving telltale signs of what the summer day would bring, other days it was cold and crisp and you knew snow was on the way. I would make $15.00 a week from my paper route. I had 35 customers. Papers were to be placed in the location the customer specified.......between the doors, in a milk box, on the side patio. Some driveways were long, or up a hill. It didn't matter, the paper was put where the customer had easy access to get it. Every Saturday and Sunday I would go around and collect my money.......actually knock on the door and state "collecting - Cleveland Plain Dealer" On mondays the account reps drove around collecting the company's share of the money. In 1974 at 12 years old, I felt rich with $15.00 in my pocket...... All these jobs are gone today..... no wonder teaching responsibility to young kids is getting harder and harder to do.

New Fuzzbutts

So here we are!! We thought we would sneak on to mom's computer and introduce ourselves. We've been named Mr Woozle (left) and Nismo (right). We love our new home. Our life had gotten pretty rough. We had been thrown out of our house and we were found by the SPCA, hiding in a ladies shed. We hadn't eaten in a long time and water was hard to find. Bugs were eating us and our hair was falling out. We were taken to a shelter and given a nice warm bed and lots to eat and drink. We got better but even when we came to our new home, mom kept saying we needed to fatten up and get more hair. Just after we got here we both got really really sick and couldn't stop coughing and wheezing. Mom was really worried and kept feeding us vitamins and ground up duck meat along with our other food. After 2 weeks we started to feel better and mom squealed with delight the first time we did a dance for her. Now we run around and get into everything. Our cage is awesome and we love the girls that already live here. ;)

Theme Parks

I went to Universal Studios this weekend. I haven’t been to a theme park in ages, about 10 years, and I had never been to Universal. I found it over priced, too crowded, and hard to get around. While I enjoyed my family’s company, I did not find the park worth the $70.00 to get in, not to mention the added cost of the express passes to shorten the wait time. Without the express pass, don’t waste your time going. And have you ever tried walking through a crowded park with a wheelchair or stroller. People don’t care that you have a lethal weapon in which to knock them down. And Jamaicans aren’t as laid back as everyone makes them out to be. Imagine if you will 5 of us walking through the park…. I pushing a wheelchair……a man cuts in front of me and I can’t stop in time and hit him in the ankle.

Me: I’m sorry

Jamaican Man: Sorry means nothing!

Me: Excuse me?

JM: (yelling) I said sorry means nothing!

Me: I’m sorry? You said what?

JM: (Yelling louder) In my country you kill someone and people say I’m sorry. It means nothing. You hit me and you cut me!

Me: (sternly) No…sir. You walked in front of the wheelchair. You caused yourself to get hurt. I apologized to be polite.

JM: (still yelling) Your apology means nothing……..

Me: (cutting off JM and starting to raise my voice) OK! OK! I don’t apologize. You’re an asshole and fuck you!

About that time a park attendant came up and intervened escorting the JM to the side and motioning us to move on.
It makes for such a fun day… Seventy dollars to go into a park to be abused by and ignorant asshole. I was disappointed all around. Next time I will bank the money, buy some booze and throw a BBQ in my back yard.

Quick Quips

Driving down the road today I drove up on a car with a save the dolphins license plate. As I stopped next to her at the traffic light she flicked her cigarette butt out of the car. Message I get....save a dolphin......litter the land.

I got 2 new ferrets.

I just got back to work and I am ready for another vacation. Work sucks!

A new line I heard from a fellow blogger and love:
Some people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything......
But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs

I bought a new cell phone a bit ago and was down loading ringtones, I actually caught myself searching for one to use for Pete.

Reminders

It is strange how simple everyday things can trigger memories……. Not always pleasant ones…I sat down to snack on some cheese and crackers this weekend, simple enough. I placed my square piece of cheddar cheese on my Ritz cracker and just as I was placing it into my mouth, got a flashback of the last time I had eaten cheese and crackers. It was last October……….I was at Pete’s house………… boxing up his personal belongings and cleaning out his house. There was a knock on the door and an elderly lady stood in the entryway. She knew I was there doing a task no one wants to do and thought I might be forgetting to eat something. She had brought over cheese and crackers soda, and some fruit. It was weird the way that thought went trough my head. Funny thing about it is that it made me feel those sad, unhappy feelings I felt at that very moment in time. Ya know…… sometimes life can really suck.

Mistakes Twice Done

UNBELIEVABLE!!!

I was reading national headlines and was aghast when I read that Hanoi Jane was at it again. I thought people learned from their mistakes, especially big mistakes. She is talking about taking a bus on tour to protest the war....... I would have thought she would have learned to keep her traitorous nose out of politics. I believe it would be safe to say that people have not forgotten what she did and that she will not be well received. Maybe we should throw her out of the country this time…….. maybe to Iraq, lets see how long it is before she is raped and beheaded. Bitch. I can’t believe that after being responsible for demoralizing, angering and being personally responsible for the deaths of POWs that she would travel down this path again. There are too many who remember, and too many who didn’t and won’t forgive. I just don’t get how a person can be so incredibly stupid and moronic as to commit the same huge, enormous, and despicable mistake a second time.

Back

So it has been awhile. I was in Virginia for close to 2 weeks, getting some R&R. Boy did I need it and I coulda used more. The trip was great and coming back to reality sucks, especially my reality. I have never cared for living in Florida, but every trip away from the area reminds me of just how much. Of course life here could be a little more appealing if I didn’t have such a crappy job.

Back to the vacation........ Does this place not look peaceful and serene?

I get lost here...I have no sense of time or what day it is. I love to go hiking in the woods, or sit by the river and watch the deer and beavers do their thing. There is a train on the other side of the river and it runs tobacco back and forth between the fields and processing plants. I love the sound of the whistle and the wheels on the track. It is a soothing sound. It relaxes. The other commom noises heard in this land of paradise is the squak of the peacocks and the chattering of the guinea hens. They mostly strut about the land keeping the yard free of ticks and other bugs. They chase each other and can be rather entertaining to watch. The Guinea hens like to pick on the peacock, who's name is Blue, and pull his feathers out. Blue just showed up one day last year out of nowhere and sticks around because he knows there is always food to be had. There is another one but he is kept in a large pen with his three ladies, his name is Fred.
While we were there we built a retaining wall to help hold up the hillside that the house sits on. and stained a fence. A rather light load this year.


Spent the 4th of July at Poplar Forrest. It is the summer home of Thomas Jefferson. A must see for any history buff. Here we poked around at the displays of toys, laces, beading and other crafts of the time. At 3PM Thomas Jefferson came out and read the Declaration of Independence and spoke some words about his life and wishes for the future. Kinda cool.

I really just spent most of my time chillin ...you know...fishing, hiking, nature watching and just sitting at an outdoor table with a river view chugging Killians, eating peanuts, and chatting with my brother, son, father and father's wife.

Sweet!

Lost Souls of the Animal World

This is Mittens......Peter named him...I call him a lost soul. He is a homeless cat that has wandered the neighborhood for at least as long as we have been in it. He is an old man and has many battle wounds to show for it.He once was plump and always quick, but has started to show age and is not able to provide for himself like he used to. He has become a regular fixture on my front porch and has allowed me to get within a foot of him. Sometimes he is battered and bleedingand looking for a kind word, other times he is just looking for a quiet place to rest.He has come to give me a small amount of trust and has adopted me and looks to me for food when he can't catch enough. I keep fresh water nearby. I look at him and wonder what his life has been like. I feel sad. I look at thrown away animals and wonder if they ever knew a gentle touch, a warm bed, or kisses of affection. I look at Mittens and wish I could give him a simple scratch behind the ears, a rub under the chin. I will have to settle knowing that he is keeping his stomach full and can seek shelter from the sun and rain under the house. Maybe he is not so lost, after all, he found his way to my house.

A Spirit In Flight

Today something remarkable happened, or at least I thought so. The neighborhood is filled with mocking birds and it is nesting time. We must have at least 2 in the yard and I love to sit on my deck and watch the birds swoop and nip and snickers, our cat, as they defend their territory and nests. The cat has gotten so use to the birds diving at him that he barely notices them anymore. The assaults usually come from the rear. Today he took notice of one that came at him from the front. He took a swipe and caught him. Peter ran to its rescue and saved it from his mouth. No broken bones....no puncture marks. I held the bird for almost 30 minutes and slid drops of water down it's beak. It slowly seemed to gain back its senses and tried to take flight. I managed to get about 10 feet and flopped to the ground. I picked it up and after a few more attempts, flew up into the tree and found a perch, eventually taking flight and heading off to recoup in its nest.

Final Cut

Have you seen this one?
If not it is a movie about microchips implanted into children prior to birth and it records all the sights and sound through ones life, all to be edited into a tribute to ones life when they pass on. The plot was underdeveloped but the story idea was good.
What if this could really be done. We already have big brother watching. Would people really want more invasion? Think of all of the ramifications.

Excuse me.....we have a warrant for you implant information.

People of the jury....the implant that was in his head clearly shows he committed the crime as well as 15 others.

I want $5000.00 every month or I will sell the recordings of you naked/us having sex to Hustler.

It goes on an on.................. What about me being recorded against my wishes? What about my personal memories being opened to the public because they are also in someone elses head, because they were there? What about coming of age to find out the chip was in your head and your wishes are against it being there. Would we, as parents, have that right to have an implant put into our unborn childs head? I thought about the idea of my life being recorded, every minute of every day and it scared me. Every person has personal secrets. Every person has done something they regret. There are just some things in our lives that are not meant for others to see or know about.
And what about the cutters? (The people who edit the video for others to view once you have passed) They have a code.................

I. A cutter cannot sell or give away a Zoe footage.
II. A cutter cannot have a Zoe Implant.
III. A cutter cannot mix Zoe footage from different lives for a rememory.

.... but there are always those who can be bought off. Or what if they are a pervert who uses the footage of sex or a child bathing for their own way of getting off? But even more so I can see all the legal battles over the recorded memories. Arguments on weither they can be used against one's self in a court of law. Can the courts force you to give up a recorded memory if you were a witness to a crime? How might your life be endangered if a criminal knew they were being recorded through a persons chip? And how would humans act if they thought they were being recorded all the time through someone elses eyes? Would we have a tendancy to shy away from people if we knew they had a chip in them? To me, the negative invasion, of my personal life, far outweighs whatever warm and fuzzy feelings my survivors might get from an edited version of my life. I think I would choose the traditional way of being remembered, what is in an individuals head and photos.

Rubber Necking - A Pet Peeve

Does this not irk you!?

I have a lengthy drive to and from work and would like to accomplish the task of getting from point A to point B in a reasonable time. Congestion is always an issue with all the constuction oin the area, and I can tolerate the occasional accident that happens. What gets my blood pressure up is the people who have to gawk at everything. Helloooooooo!! Don't you have some where to be??
As I drove home the other day, traffic was extremely backed up. The entrance ramp to the interstate was backed up all the way into the city. Usually this does not occur. I sat and pondered the severity of the accident that had created this mess............... must be at leats 3 cars involved and pretty traashed up. I wondered if there were any injuries and my mind wandered back to the accident on the bridge 2 months ago where the pick up rolled and it lay on its side with a sheet over the cab window. Hope this wasn't that bad. Traffic crawled ...... and my mind wondered about what to do for dinner, and should I watch a movie or read a book tonight. Eventually we got up to the area where the accident had occured.....5 miles and 40 minutes later........ I think I uttered the words "son uva bitch" The accident was on the other side of the median barrier and while damage was inflicted upon the autos, the people were all up and about. All the emergency vehicles were also on the other side. The entire back up for southbound traffic, was people, who had to slow down and take the grand tour! Hell why don't you just stop and interview the damn drivers! Crap! a 1 hour drive had doubled because a bunch of busybodies couldn't keep their mind on driving.
So now the question is why do people do this? Is there some fascination with seeing other peoples misfortune? Do they hope to see some grotesque, bloody scene? Do they like the look of twisted metal and shattered glass? Who knows, but I wish next time they would just move their ass so I can get home, make a cool refreshing beverage, and veg in front of my tv. Its much more enjoyable than sitting on the highway sucking in the exhaust fumes.

Attitude

Its amazing how one aspect of our life can affect our whole life. Work sucks, to be blunt, I have noticed the attitude I have at work, has carried over into the other parts of life. The "I don't give a shit" seems to be everywhere. Housework was going by the wayside. The yard was looking trashy. And I felt like I was starting to carry it over into my relationships with friends. This "whatever" outlook was really taking over. So this past weekend I realized I needed and attitude adjustment. I cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, edged, finished the fencing, and picked up the trash that had made its way into the yard. I decided that I would start seriously looking for a new job and would get my head back into my current job to at least accomplish the minimal tasks required of me.
While I dislike my job, I don't need the feelings I harbor toward it to spill out into the rest of my life. This outlook needed to be curbed. It was taking over and I was beginning to feel like the beer swilling slob that sits around in their underwear, watching tv. Hmmmmm, not a pretty picture. What I realize is that this is a self destruct mode, and if I don't do something about it, then everything else I do will take me further down the hole. So..... I have made the adjustment in my attutude .......................if for nothing else, for the sake of survival.

Quick Quips

DAMN!!!

I have a membership to Netflix and I really love it. I am getting sooooooo caught up on movies.

I rented Pearl Harbour....played the first disc and went to put in the second and it was broke clean through.

DAMN!

So here it is another hurricane season upon us.

My fence is new and my roof repaired. I do still have a tree that needs to come down, but I need to find a few fellas to help me with that. Most tree removal services wanted $600.00 to $800.00 to remove it. Nope ........ not paying that. If I had that kind of money I would have bought myself a generator first. Arlene, the first this season has already had Florida folks scrambling to stock up. Not that we expect a visit from her in these parts, but maybe people have finally started to learned that a storm can go where ever it pleases regardless of what humans have predicted. I am sure that there are those who figured we had a bad season last year so they are banking on the odds that we will not be bothered this year. Not what I would call a smart observation or prediction. I have taken the time to get water, batteries, candles, my plywood is in the shed, and I have new living arrangements should I need to evacuate, but truth be told, should another one come that requires evacuation..... I will face the strong possibility that my home will be a loss. As long as Peter, all my fuzzy children, and I are safe, then things are good. I have learned a lot over the last near, year that the material things mean nothing when your loved ones are alright.

Hopefully someone upstairs will watch over everything. :)

Cutest Fuzzies Ever

These guys just make my day some days. I can be feeling low and crappy as hell and these little fuzzbutts make me laugh and smile. They play and wrestle with each other and then start their weasel war dance to get me to join in. They give me kisses and and when tired will curl up and fall asleep in my lap. Who could resist those adorable faces?

In Regards to Customer Service

WOW!!!
The rainy season has begun and with that the next hurricane season. I had yet to repair my roof and I went up one day, replaced one shingle and said "no way." I called a roofer on the recomendation of my ex father in law and was I amazed. After all the crappy service I have gotten this was the total oppisite. I called on Sunday and got the answering machine as I had expected and left a message. Tuesday morning, Monday was a holiday, I got a return phone call. He said he would stop by and write up the estimate and leave it in my mailbox. He called me an hour and a half later and went over what he found. Even said they could start around 2 that day. OMG .... I was in shock. They completed the work the next morning. He even went so far as to call me back and tell me where the repairs were on the roof so I could go up and check it all out for myself.

Amazing........simply amazing.