Messages from Beyond

Weither you believe or not doesn't matter.

I Do.

I was having one of my "bad" days, ones that are farther between now, but still all too common. I was about.....cleaning the house, trying to keep my mind busy so as not to think.......and had the radio on. It was on an adult soft rock station............. a song came on and it was one of those moments as if someone tells you to listen. It was one I had never heard before. It brought on a wave of emotion. When the song was over I ran to the computer to look it up. I truly believe it was Pete trying to let me know ...............................

Where You Are

"Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be (?)

That you are my

Forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

'Cause you are my

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up

To where you are

Beyond the distant star I

wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

I know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Quick Quip

What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? These are questions that everyone asks in life. If you're Douglas Adams the answer is 42. Why even ask this question. I believe that our purpose is whatever we make it to be. I look at what is around me and I see diversity. I believe the meaning of my life is to learn from all the diversity and to teach my son to accept it as well. If we could all teach one person that different is good, then what a change that would make in the world. I look at the people I surround myself with and I see a rich palette of color and I take pleasure in each one. How boring life would be if we only surrounded ourselves with people identical to us in religion, philosophy, color and opinion. Life would truly be black and white. ***********************************************

The Past Brought to the Present

A while back when Pete was alive, when he was making the job change between AMR and HCFR, I had carried him over on a month and a half of bills. He had decided to pay me back out of a trust fund account. At the time he went to write the check he was unable to find the check book. It started an argument.....not over the money but over the check book. We tore the house apart looking for it and never found it. As usual, when anything disappears or is misplaced, it was my fault. I had become accustomed, to both males in the house blaming me when they couldn't find something. It was my fault, in that while he left it on his desk, and I must have let one of the ferrets run off with it.........or it must have fallen off the desk, and I must have picked it up a put it some place while cleaning. I think there were another 3 or 4 reasons why it was my fault. Needless to say it was a bit of an argument and what was funny is that it wasn't over the fact I would have to wait to get paid beck, but that the checkbook was missing. I don't think I talked to Pete for a day because I was so pissed off that he made it out to be my fault. Eventually we both just forgot about it and it passed.

So whats the point, you ask??

I was looking for a photograph and was looking through the drawer on the table that Pete used for a desk. I was tired of standing so I pulled the drawer out and sat on the floor..... never found the photo but as I went to put the drawer back in, I saw something in the bottom of the drawer slot. I pulled it out and what was in my hand? The checkbook. The "you let the ferrets run off with it" checkbook. The "you must have put it someplace" checkbook. I smiled, then laughed. For the first time since he died, I felt as if Pete were here, with me. Maybe even giving me a belated, "I'm sorry," for the argument. I giggled over it for the rest of the evening.

CoWorker - Boss - CoWorker

On my way to work today, I used the drive time the way I usually do....thinking about insignificant topics that run around in my head. Today I was thinking about how the work atmosphere has become so casual between everyone. When we were ICI in its heyday, dress was the higher end of business casual, to business dress. Formalities were afforded to those in management positions and they were to be addressed as Mr, Ms, or Mrs. When Intermedia was sold to MCI things started to become more lax. We started to have "jeans" Fridays, and the stricter codes of conduct became less so. Intermedia was always a good place to work.......we were allowed social conversations and such, but it was a very strict policy of business first. Now its casual work clothes, and some girls even come in looking like cheap street walkers. There is a lot of chit chat, and non business conversation and plenty of time where work does not come first. Everyone is on a first name basis with everyone else. The interaction between people is also different, and I mean just plain different. I would imagine that much of that is due to the fact that with all the lay offs we have gone through, that your boss today could be a co worker tomorrow and vise versa. This change could take place several times with one person. But as an example.........one day T is my boss, he is friendly, but keeps himself in check, so that he is within the guide lines of professionalism of management. Lo and behold with lay offs he is now my co worker and wow!, look out! He is now Don Juan......... let the sexual undertones....aw hell, overtones begin. Now these really don't bother me........ I antagonize........ and as long as it stays in fun and jest we are cool. Shit I worked in a restaurant for what seems like an eon and things got raunchy back in the kitchen. But I have had it work the other way where a co worker has become a boss and with that the management professionalism is a little fainter. Anyway...... my whole point is that the line between boss and worker bee is smeared, blurry, and fading fast. I have found that the constant changes within the company have given everyone a better chance to know each other. There is more camaraderie. Work is more bear able. And in a lot of cases, I think that more work gets done. But I also think we are unique, or at least somewhat unique. You are the last 140 people in a company that was once 4000 people. There are alot of shared trials and tribulations ........ storms weathered.......bouts of survivors guilt. That will make the bond a little different in any group. Good ..... Bad..... I’m not making a judgment call. I'm just putting in writing what was in my head this morning.

Passing of a Furry Friend

Raini left us today.
Its been an up and down road for 3 weeks now and the time had finally come to let her go on her way. She had been diagnosed, several months ago with heart disease, thyroid problems as well as arthritis. She had been doing well on her medications until recently. Her health was slipping. She had gotten considerably skinnier, was hardly eating the pureed food we gave her and her saliva had a horrible odor that you could smell a foot away. When she walked she wobbled and often fell. Her eyes were dim. While her motor would still purr with every stroke of a hand on her head, and she would force out a meow when I walked in the room, it just didn't seem that there was quality. What is life without quality?
I remember the day we brought her home. Peter was 2 and we had gone to the SPCA because he wanted a kitty and I wanted a furry friend in the house. We got there and had looked at several cats when Peter let out a gasp of delight. There in the cage was a plump, round 20 lb cat with eyes that were as bright and alert as could be. Peter fell in love and we took her home. It was pouring rain non stop and hence came her name. She was a good kitty. When Peter would lay on the floor and watch cartoons, she would either snuggle with him or he would use her for a pillow. She always crawled into bed with him when it was time for him to go to sleep and she would sneak out after he had fallen off. They grew up together, and I have many memories of them cuddled up together. She was affectionate, gentle and mellow. 18 is a good long life for a cat..... I hope she was happy in her life. It only seems fitting that it rained the day she left my life.

Change and Morals

Back, a considerable time ago, in between the time I was making the decision to leave my husnband and his abusive ways, and before Pete, I was in need of a no strings attached relationship. I needed someone to tell me I was wanted and someone who could convince me I had some self worth. "A" was this person. Everything was impromptu and no phone calls between us. Both of us were married and both needed something we weren't finding at home. For me I needed to feel I had value, that I was interesting, and that someone could still see me as more than a personal belonging. The "no strings" was what was right for the relationship. We both had issues to deal with at home. No string meant neither of us was looking for a lasting relationship, but both of us were looking for something to spark the inner spirit that had died. It lasted about 7 months...... and it seemed we had both found our inner peace at about the same time. He decided things were worth working on at home and I had known Pete but we were starting to become interested in being more than friends.
"A" was that rebound relationship that allowed me to share everything I was with Pete. "A" was the one who taught me that being myself was ok and that anyone not liking me for who and what I was, was not worth my time. He brought happiness into my life that was saddly lacking and helped me find my self worth. Everything was always "right" with him. Everthing was always good.
I sat on my couch a week ago and realized it had been many months since we talked. It seemed that when ever one of us was blue, we would end up calling the other.........on occassions we had run into each other. It seems there would always be a strong bond there. So, last time I had talked to him, Pete was alive and "A" was split from his wife.......... So I thought I would give him a call to see how he was getting on. We talked for about 20 minutes and I finally asked if he had again worked things out. He said he was back living in the house and they were working on things. I was happy for him. He has a wonderful family. With that I realized I had made the call looking for more. I was looking for something open in the public eye, yet with no strings....... knowing this was not possible, I found a way to wind the coversation down and end the call. He means a lot to me, but the occasional conversation and run in will have to be all there is.

Quick Quips

Well Kitty has decided to make a recovery. She is eating again, although hard food is too much for her. She is once again moving about and acknowledging people when they come in. Guess she just isn't ready to go.

Diet still going strong....next weigh in is Monday AM

Work looks like it will last a little longer. They have decided to throw some special projects and that should extend us a minnimum of a year...maybe 2

When are we gonna get the perverts off the street. I am really tired of these whackos and sickos that are preying on our children. When will gov't deal with issues that are important instead of things like steroid use in sports. I think our youth is a little more important and with all these sad pathetic usless perverts stealing and raping our children, there is a serious subject to be broached. I say we castrate or lojack the assholes but then you will get the ACLU crying foul. Who was sticking up for the rights of our children when one of the pervs was snatching and molesting a 12 year old? ok don't getting me going on that subject casue I could rant on for a loooong time on what to do with sexual predators.

Til later..................................................

Misc Thoughts

OK so here I an at the end of week one of SouthBeach - 6 lbs lost.

One of my four cats, Raini, is not doing well. She is 18 and while I have been preparing myself for her passing it is hard to take. She will no longer take her meds and can't eat regular food. We are having to puree it. She has gotten very skinny ans I suppose I should have taken her to the vets this past weekend to be put down. She has improved a little in the last 3 days but not that there is real quality to her life. She still enjoys the pettings and brushings she has been getting and can manage to purr with approval, but she stays in one spot except to drink and use the litter box. I guess I need to spend time with her this week, and then, find the courage to let her go this weekend.

Job Possibility

Yesterday I had a phone interview. It was going very well. I have all the qualifications they are looking for and a few extra. One problem came up. They wanted someone to start, well basically, yesterday. I explained to them that I had to be able to give two weeks. While I did not care for the company I work for, the people I work with made it all tolerable and I could not just "leave" them. I was then told thank you for my time. I figured I would not hear from them again. Today I got another phone call asking me to come in to do a second interview with the person who hires. I was told they really liked my resume and they respected me for refusing to just walk away from my current job. So Tuesday, I have my interview.........only thing that could stop me from taking this would be if they are unable to meet my salary needs. They were on the resume, so ..........maybe thats a good sign.........................

Cravings

I am dieing here!!!!
I would love an asiago cheese bagel with veggie spread!

Diet Diet Diet

Yes I live on that merry-go-round. I have always had a hard time with my weight. I was a plump child and it wasn't until HS that I dropped my weight through dieting. During college I was anorexic looking. I was 128lbs. You could always see my rib cage, collar bone ,vertebrae and such, and when I see those photos I shiver. The sad thing is, that is what doctors kept telling me my ideal weight should be. I think they were wrong........ I think there were a lot of things that they did not take into consideration. So I look through a lot of photos and decided at what weight I was comfortable with myself and where I looked healthy. Pre marriage and kid years, I have decided. Many may cringe but for me it was 140 to 145. The skeletal look was gone...there was a glow in the skin and clothes didn't look like they were on a hanger. So that is my goal. I have already lost 40, but took a bit of a hiatus and maintained............... but now I am ready to lose the rest

So .....dust off the work out tapes and clean out the fridge.......

Questions??????

1. After a tragic event, does life ever become normal again?

2. When your job puts you into financial limbo, when do you take your life off of hold?

3. What do you say to people when you realize they have used you for their personal gain?

4. What do you do when you feel your sibling is constantly looking down upon you?

5. Do you ever feel like your bad Karma has come back and hit you way more than you ever
earned it??

6. Will men ever realize that size 12 thru 16 women aren't fat, but the norm?


7. At what point will my son realize I am smarter than he thinks?

8. If a mime is arrested, does he still have the right to remain silent?

Open Mouth - Insert Foot..........I am such an ass

At work today, I was talking with a friend when her son IM’d her …..simply the word “Loser”. We laughed and I mentioned that often when Peter calls me on the phone he will say “Hey Whats up ho?” A third person had joined the conversation and said that she wasn’t so sure she would like that. I told her it was all in fun and he knew when it was appropriate and when it was not. Then I proceeded to mention that I also will call him names, like, little prick, or gay boy……at that very moment I felt about the size of an inconspicuous dust ball. See…….. the third person who joined the conversation is gay. When the exchange of great wit was over I made a point to stop by her desk and apologize profusely.

Trash Trash Everywhere

My drive to work today was long and slow. Rain and accidents made for a drive that allowed one to take in your surroundings. Not too bad across the bridge but malfunction junction was really an eye sore. As we cruised at am amazing 10 to 15 mph with occasional stopping, I took in the scenery. Yuck! There was not a place to look that there was not trash, and I don't mean paper and plastic. I mean trash! As I looked around I saw paper cups, plastic bags, a car bumber, 10 gallon buckets, insulation, clothes, coolers, cooler lids, styrofoam, a bed liner, a dead possum, an air conditioner, a bed mattress and all kinds of other crap. Now I thought that maybe some of the problem is because of the construction in the area, but I believe that all the junk out there goes beyond that. What a way to greet people into Tampa Bay...........Hi! Welcome to Tampa! The trashiest city around. Why would the mayor or other city officials not care that people coming into Tampa, by way of I-4, will see this. After all first impressions are just that, and they are hard to overcome. My first impression would be.....I think I should go home.......

Jail Bird

Well Bernie Ebbers is to become a jail bird, guilty on all accounts. There was a slight uproar and round of applause at work when this was announced. My response was to ask if we could sentence him to the electric chair. As you can guess we are not fond of old Bernie here. We have lost jobs, morale, and pay raises thanks to him. There are still more jobs to cut. I expect this office will be gone in July. Well unless Verizon has something in mind but I am sure it is too early in the ball game to be saved by a decision at VZ. I can only hope that B.E. gets what he deserves, but I doubt it. Most rich peopple don't. They can still manage to buy their way out of it. As usual the hard workers suffer at the hands of the rich thieves. Where is Robin Hood??

As for me I guess I better bury my head back in the want ads. I would like to find something before I am escorted out the door.

Then and Now

Yesterday I was doing yard work……..Yes I finally managed to find motivation to do something other than sit on my ass over a weekend..Anyway I cleaned out the garden in back, trimmed the vines, painted the new door frame and mowed the lawn. Well at least what little lawn there is. While doing the last of these chores the power drive on the lawn mower quit working and I had to actually push the mower. Well that really set me to working hard. As the catcher got fuller it became harder and harder to push and I had to take frequent breaks to guzzle some water down and to catch my breath. On one of by breaks I sat and looked at the lawn mower and remembered the old push mower we had growing up, before gas mowers were popular or affordable, and well before self propelled mowers. You know…….the ones on 2 wheels and a cylinder, that ya had to keep up a good speed with and that you often had to go over the same spot twice. I couldn’t help but think how pitiful I was for cursing the mower for being broken……my dad would go out and mow a lawn that was at least 5 times the size of mine and it was on a hillsdie in Connecticut. (A hillside that in the winter we would park the cars down on the road because if the driveway iced over the cars would be in the road by morning.) I remember that it only took one summer of that old push mower for dad to give in and get a gas, but still he had to push…… ….
I often think how upset we get, when our toys and tools of modern technology break. I will remind myself of the way it used to be done and be thankful that I get to do things the easier way 98% of the time.

Quip

Just a quik one........something that irked me this weekend. I went to the store to go do my weekly shopping and as I came out of the store 2 girls got out of their Jeep. Nothing out of the ordinary you say? Well where they parked was...........this ignorant chic squeezed her Jeep in between 2 cars, on the blue lines, in the handicap zone. I was astonished! I stopped in my tracks. Knowing that if someone came out to get in the van, they would never be able to if using a walker or wheelchair, I said something to her. I got the response I expected.... a flip of the finger and F--- you! Not to be out done I proceeded to my truck, unloaded my bags, and thenwalked up to the front of the store to where the police were parked. I explained what transpired and he went over to the jeep and wrote up a ticket. Sweetie Pie...................your gesture and attitude just got expensive.

Wishes, Gifts and Guilt

I was shredding some old bills of Pete's last night and I came across the credit card bills where he had charged some of the jewelry he had bought me 4 and 5 Christmases ago. I felt guilty. One Christmas he had bought me saphire/diamond earings and matching pendant and spent $257.00 on the set and the year after he bought me pearl and diamond earings and spent $225.00. I loved both gifts when he gave them to me and still love them today. What do I feel guilty about?? I knew at the time he was in some tough times money wise but did not realize how bad until another year later. The credit card bills I have been shredding from back then have reminded me and shown me just how bad off he was back then. For the first time I have really put 2 and 2 together and realized how much he wanted to make me happy, despite the fact he had little money, he put himself further into debt to buy me something he knew I would love. He knew I had a weakness for sparkley things.......he also knew that I am not materialistic and he could have made me happy with a $10.00 stuffed toy or $7.00 over sized coffee mug for my iced coffees.................. but despite his debt he chose the expensive gift. I know many would say that he was dumb for doing that, but it makes me understand how much he loved me. He never stopped thinking about me, and I see it more and more as I look at the big things he did for me........and moreso in the little day to day things. Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I could have seen this all back then. I wish I had been more attentive.............I wish, I wish, I wish.........

Spare Me

Ya know with all the publicity of the Schiavo case these days, I gotta say........NO EXTREME MEASURES FOR ME. God I would hate for someone to keep my spirit bound to earth in that state. Please think of ME. We try so hard to hold on to the ones that we love that we make decisions out of selfishness rather than what is best for the soul that is held to earth. I understand that the Schiavo's believe that there is a possibility that their daughter can become cognative again and believe there is a possibility she can eventually do for herself again, but what if she can't?

What if there is some part of the brain that fully understands everything that is going on and is trapped in a body that won't ever function again? That, would truly be the prison from hell. I can't imagine being a spirit that wants to pass on to a greater place and to be held here by family members who can't let me go. Aren't the memories of a person who was strong, happy and full of life, better than ones of feedings, lifelessness, and empty eyes?

Inner Peace,

Quality,

Dignity,

I hope my family will afford me this.

Time

On my 45 min drive to work today I was thinking how it never seemed that long of a drive. My mother always cringes at the thought of driving 45 minutes or an hour to work. I listen to the radio, random thoughts occupy my head and there's the being ever vigilant for the loser drivers that think by cutting in and out of traffic, they will somehow get to work faster. This road time goes by quickly. I thought to all the trips I made to get to hockey games. Ellenton (45 min), Fort Meyers (2 1/2 hours), Maitland ( 1 hour 45 min) and Tallahasee (3 1/2 hours) These trips all seemed like nothing really. Just part of the sport. I then wandered back to my road trips, 22 hours to NJ, 12 hours to VA.......... I enjoyed these drives..........time did not seem forever. So why, when I think back to trips I took as a child, did they seemed so unbearably long. A 2 hour trip was unthinkable. It was like a day....... Its not like we didn't take a lot of road trips when I was young. We took them all the time. Cleveland to Columbus...........New Haven Connecticut to Boston Mass.....these trips weren't long but it sure seemed it. I remember how 30 minutes was forever and an hour was an eternity. Now an hour is barely enough time to get up, get showered, have some coffee and get out the door to work. An hour of daylight was more than enough time to get in another game of kickball and hide -n-seek, or to get a new city built in the sandbox. Now when I look at the clock at work, and see I only have an hour left, I think, "Don't start that project cause you won't have time to finish it." or " Only an hour to go and I'm outta here" An hour now is like 5 minutes compared to the childhood time clock. I wish I knew how to put the clock back to the slow pace it was when growing up. I could accomplish so much more, have more me time, and maybe even find time to watch a sunset.

Done

Well today was it!
I quit TBJL.
I was tired of the director who made his own rules, who didn't care about kids unless they played for him. I was tired of the hassle to get things done right. I am tired of busting my ass for people who just don't get it. I watched a program go from 500 kids to 150. It is a sad ending, but one thats time has come. I gladly turn over the headaches, the hassles and the disregard to anyone who wants it or to the one it is forced on. Now I can go out and get a Real second job. It means paying for hockey if Peter plays else where, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Maybe his last year he can play for a real league............................

More ........??

I have buried myself in work the last few weeks and have been racking up the overtime. I figured I didn't have much of a life so why not work and make some more money. This has put me into the thinking mode...... thinking about what life is and figuring there has got to be more. I look at the way things are now......only one income in the house now, 2 mouths to feed, and repairs still needed to the house after the lovely hurricane season, working OT is the only way to keep up with the money going out. It has been a long time since I have had to live paycheck to paycheck and it really does suck. When do I get to enjoy life? When do I get to start doing things I want to do? Right now my guess is never.......I will probably be working until the day I am put in the ground. Of course I can always hope to win the lottery. Ya right........like that will ever happen. It would be nice to find a solution to make it all slow down to a point where I can enjoy the days............. not just suddenly look up from my desk and realize a month has gone by. Maybe some people are destined to work forever............ such a sad thought..... there is so much I would like to do........

17 Already

Peter turned 17 this week. This amazes me.........I can't believe that I have a seventeen year old. I look back to the day he was born and remember looking at him thinking his whole life was ahead of him.......he can be anything. Now at 17 I look at him trying to decide what he wants to do with his life. He is looking at taking a class that would allow him to graduate early. Thoughts of military, fire academy, a trade in auto mechanics............While he has his whole life still ahead of him, he is also facing adulthood...... leaving behind the easy careless days. Me suffering the idea of facing an empty nest? No........ just worrying about letting a fledgling fly...... adulthood is the real test of failure or success. This is where life really tests our strength and weaknesses and I can't help worrying............we only want the best for our children and I guess we can only hope we have taught them right.

Why Do We Wait?

I have a friend, who's marriage has been in turmoil for quite a while now. 6 to 7 months ago I would of told her to dump the husband and make herself happy. Today it would be different. Why you may ask..... because I have learned something, or at least gotten a better understanding of something. That, being forgiveness.
Why is it that when a person we love passes, we can forgive them for everything? I started to think back to the people I have lost in my life, some acquaintances, some friends, and a personal hero. When they passed on, the petty arguments and fights passed with them. They were forgotten. Things like harsh words, lies, indiscretions, deception and aggravating traits no longer mattered. The pettiness was gone and the only thing I could remember were the fond memories, and the things that were good. I would guess then, that once these unpleasantries are stripped away, it is our true feelings that are felt.
If this is the case................maybe we need to learn forgiveness before death. If we can forgive those that have gone on, then why can't we learn to forgive the living? It seems we need to learn to dig beneath the years of dirt and look at what we had in the beginning. Sometimes we slip, and sometimes we falter.......... wouldn't it be nice to know that those mistakes could be worked through and then maybe we could learn from both the mistake and the kindness of being forgiven.

No Life.

This week I was asked to work over time and if I would mind putting in more in the next few weeks. My response was sure....I have no life, and as those words flowed from my lips I had flashbacks of the last few weeks and realized just how true that statement is. My life consists of nothing more than 2 jobs and picking up after a teenager. I used to have a life, but with my closest and dearest friend having passed through the pearly gates I realize I have nothing to do. He occupied so much of my time........hockey games, books and coffee at Barnes and Nobles, movies, sunsets on the beach, dinner out, concerts in the park, and home projects, not to mention just sitting on the couch watching TV and have conversations. Christmas vacation made me see just how much my life has changed. Normally it would have been filled with activities, but this year, that vacation time was nothing more than a week of sitting my ass on the couch and staring at the TV. No motivation. So the question is, "What to do?" Part of me says to move on.........meet new people.........call old friends from the past. Part of me is afraid to, afraid to let go of what was. Afraid that if I let go, I will forget........Sometimes I think I am starting to get my act together and then I have long moments of deep sadness...mostly when evening sets in and my brain no longer has to work a million issues at one time. So the inner conflict continues......... I know at some point I have to step out of my surroundings into the bigger picture.........but it sure looks scary from where I am.

Quick Thought

Today I reupholstered my antique rocker. A task I have wanted to start for some time but hesitated because I had never done more than seat covers. Well now that it is done, I am happy with the outcome. Two minor flaws, but nothing that detract from the rocker and flaws that, should I do this again, I have learned from. And isn't that what life itself is all about, finding something you haven't done and giving it a try, learning from the mistakes and feeling good at things we have a ccomplished? If we always live in our comfort zone, then we won't ever experience new things, regardless of the size of what we take on......

Game Instructions

Ok, I went to a Christmas Party last night and everyone had to bring a silly or cutesy gift. I am sure many of you have played this, where numbers are drawn and the first person chooses and opens a gift and shows it to everyone. Person # 2 has the choice of taking person #1 gift or opening a new one. If your gift gets taken you then have the choice of taking someone elses or choosing a new one, etc, etc , etc. Well I managed to snag a shot glass checkers set. When I got home my son wanted to play a game with me. We played, but with just beer. Now some of you may think me a horrible parent playing a drinking game with my almost 17 year old son, but I find allowing him to have alcohol when he is around me, has taken the mystery away and he doesn't find the need to go and and get drunk with a crowd of friends. But the point of this story is about the game instructions. It is simple, it is a regular game of checkers, but when you jump your opponent you drink the glasses of liquor and whn you are kinged you drink the shot as well. What my son and I laughed about was where it said on the box - 2 players, age 8 thru adult.

And the game was equivillent to a beer a piece.......can you imagine playing with hard liquor?

Quiet vs Quiet

As the temperatures dropped last night I was contemplating the winters when I lived up North. Suddenly there was a boom and the house went dark. I got up and looked outside and saw the other houses were just as black. I proceeded to light the candles that were on the buffet table and the others that sat around the room. In my house there is an ample supply of decorative candles. Peter came out of his room with a book and sat near the buffet so he could read by candle light. I called the electric company and collected the ferrets and put them in their cage, as the living room was staying warm due to all the candles, while the temp in the rest of the house was slowly falling. I proceeded to "pick up" around the house to keep myself busy. I started to notice the quiet that was in the house. I sat down on the couch and listened. The antique clock was ticking away in its usual rhythm, and I noticed how loud it seemed. I listened further and could hear the wind outside the house. I even heard the one of the cats across the room as it let out a content sigh. This, was quiet. This, was peaceful. About that time the electric came on and the silence was replaced with the whirring of the computers, the hum of the fridge, and the whoosh as the heat came on. Funny how I once considered this quiet.................

Animal Tales

Snickers.
Snickers is one of my four cats. A strange little fellow he is. He is 5 and a half months old and the most affectionate cat I have ever met, especially for a kitten. A frisky, playful, run around kitten who will stop in his tracks to cuddle up in your lap or on your chest. And he doesn't just snuggle, he buries himself into you and then contently purrs. But he is a strange one. He loves to go for car rides. I came home from work the other day and as I opened the door to my truck he hops in and sits in the seat next to me. He glances over as if to say "Well??" Needless to say, I could not say no, and I closed my door, started up the truck and took him for a ride around the neighborhood. He had a ball. He jumped up and layed in the middle of the dash and watched as things went by. Then he would hop down and run froma back window to back window. He just couldn't get enough of the passing scenery. When I pulled back into the driveway he looked at me, meowed and hopped out as I opened the door.

Teeki
She is one of my ferrets. She was very attatched to Pete. She would play and play and play and when it was time to crash, as ferrets do when they tucker out from all their playing, she would seek out Pete and lay her head on his foot. He would pick her up and lay her in his arms and pet her non stop. She would lay their for hours until Pete would finally put her in one of the hammocks in her cage. Well anyway, today I was looking for a sweat jacket to take to work with me and pulled one of Petes from the hanging luggage cover. I layed it on the floor next to my purse and Teeki smelled it and I think she about lost her fuzzy little head. She kept sniffing the jacket and then ran into each room looking and searching. She would stop and turn her head in every direction then dart to another corner of the room and stop and again look. She did this to every room and when she didn't find Pete she came back to the jacket and buried herself in it. To say I felt bad for her, would be an understatement.

Full Audience

I went to Walmart (Super) to do my usual weekend shopping. I was puttzing through the store looking at electronics, clothes, kitty toys and made it through most of the food and was thinking how pleasant everyone was being to each other. And mind you, it is not always an easy task at this Walmart. I always make sure I am in the right frame of mind before I ever venture there on a Saturday or a Sunday. It is packed to the hilt and if I feel even the slightest of the grumps in my mood I dont go. Its busy to the point that if you look for a close parking spot, it will take at least 10 to 15 minutes. You might as well park out in the BFE parking lot and walk in. It takes less time, and be sure to pick up a cart on the way in. There always those people who will leave their cart in the middle of the aisle so no one can get by or the have it diagonal accross the way while they look at the shelves. There are also the speed shoppers that think they are driving a car on the highway and zig zag in and out of everyone and will cut you off so that they can get into the cross aisle first. Of course to top it off, all the holiday shoppers are there as well. So any way............. I am in the frozen aisle and rounding the corner to produce and the deli when this unbelievable high pitched yelling breaks out. As I glance over in the direction of the ranting I am suprised to find it all coming out of this well dressed, well manicured, proffesional looking woman. She was cursing enough to make a sailor blush. Mothers were grabbing their children and abandoning the area. I picked out my head of lettuce and then I heard a thud. I looked back over at the raving lunatic and she was trying to grab the poor girl on the other side of the deli counter. I was debating on weither or not to get my sandwich meats today.......this woman was pretty wild. About that time she turned to the father next to her and began to yell at him to "bring it on." He started to back up and as the crowed gathered the store security was arriving on scene. A female security guard stepped in between her and the gentleman.........the woman just kept it up. I picked my other produce and slowly made my way over to the "number" giver and pulled my tab out. # 60.........hoped this wouldn't take too long. 10 minutes and the yeller wasn't slowing down..... She was going on about how all the employees in the deli were rude and slow. She was # 52 and they passed her up and helped the other customers. And how dare the girl tell her that they had called her # out and no one answered. And how dare she tell her that she will help her as soon as she was done with the gentleman she was helping. She should have stopped and helped her immediately.......blah blah blah blah blah.........she only shops there because her husband tells her she has to, and she spends hundreds of dollars there every week....blah blah blah.......man she wouldn't stop. I kept thinking how rediculous she was sounding and the only person being rude was her. Her cursing wasn't getting her any sympathy and the rest of the customers were telling the other managers that no one was discourteous to her. Did she think her ranting was gonna get her anywhere? I can only hope that she went home and realized what and ass she made of herself. If you know a place is busy at a certain time, and you don't want the hassle....then why go?.................................. What? What was that??? Sixty one??

Whats the Deal

Have you ever had a friend, aquantince, or coworker, that as soon as they approach you, you can feel that they are ill at ease? I do and I wonder what it is about myself that intimidates or makes them uncomfortable. I guess I could ask, but that might make it worse. I almost find humor in it at times. As he makes his rounds to check up and socialize with our work group, he always passes by my cubicle quickly and just blurts out a "hey" in his haste. He is gone before I can reply. It takes nothing for him to get involved in personal conversation with others but conversations go awkwardly when talking to me.....I have to prod to get information. Hmmm maybe he is just being a professional and holding in a dislike. Wow!! Thats a thought.... me being disliked?? Well there was they guy in the bar that called me a bitch, and there was a coworker who insisted I was incompetent and we argued all the time. Oh and then there is Jack, who made it a point to tell me I didn't know squat about hockey because I was a woman and he fought me on every thing I wanted to do in the organization. I guess that would be a sense of dislike as well. OK........ before I get paranoid......this doesn't feel that way. Its just like he is uncomfortable......kinda like those awkward silences you get on a first date sometimes. I do remember having been in that position once myself. Although to this day I can't figure out why I was uncomfortable around this particular person. Matter of fact I am most at ease around them today. I still try to analyze what it was that made me feel the way I did. Can it be that we sometimes try too hard to make a relationship (of any kind) work that we become afraid of making an ass out of ourselves or afraid we will say something stupid? Could be, but shouldn't we be allowed to be ourselves around our friends? After all our friends, or at least our true friends, accept us for all aspects of our personality. So the question put forth is: do I try to resolve it or just let it go on?

Wanderings of the Mind

Many thoughts.........pretty much all over the place today.

First off I am glad that Thanksgiving is over. The Holidays are proving a tough thing to deal with this year. Thanks giving morning was spent trying to keep myself composed, before going to my mothers. My brother kept trying to talk me into spending Christmas in the Carolinas. If Thanksgiving was hard, I can't imagine Christmas and New Years. Christmas lights are being put up and they are depressing me more and more. A New Year is coming up and it will be Peteless. I hope friends will understand the lack of cards, presents and holiday cheer this year.

I have always been a "Get Over It" person, and for the first time I can't. Physical barriers and "consistant" barriers are easy to deal with. You can make a plan and go for it. Emotional issues are sooooo much harder. While they are always there, sometimes they hide in the background and other days they just jump out and slap you down. Somedays I wish there was a switch I could just turn off until it all went away. 3 months and counting and I still don't have a grip on it.

There was an accident on the way to work today. A car was not paying attention and went under a truck that was making its "wide turn" One of those thiings that you see coming but have no way to stop. You hold your breath and say a quick prayer that the person ends up ok. Be alert to whats around you. Your loved ones don't want to be without you.

My son was being pleasant this morning. Something teenagers aren't normally with their parents. I love when I see that part of him. It gives me hope that he will get his act together and be a produtive citizen.

Can I tell ya how much I love my furry, four legged, children. The cats have been over affectionate and the ferrets have been more entertaining and playful than usual. Must be the cool weather that has set in.........they bring a smile to my heart and soul.

Another "Ethics Training" class to take......"Respect in the Work Place" Bwaaaahahahahaha!!! We will see what thoughts that brings out in me.....may be a blog entry in itself.

Oh well..................until later..........

Greed

Greed seems to be in abundance lately. Hmmmmmmmmm I thought this was the season of good will and giving.

Two bitches at work, and they are bitches for their shitty attitude about child support, are raking their ex over the coals. In scenario one, bitch #1 has a very well paying job, she collects an ample amount of money from her ex husband for her 2 children and then she collects another generous amount from and ex boyfriend whom she had her third child with. Between these 2 collections, she makes approximately what I bring home in a month. Throw on top of this what she makes here at work, and she is sitting pretty. But it’s not enough and she wants to take the ex boyfriend to court for more money. Bitch # 2 also has a well paying job here and has been collecting child support from her ex husband. He has willingly given her more than what is court ordered and one of the munchkins is not his. He has now lost his job and is currently unemployed and she is pissed because he is not giving her the "extra" amount. She wants to take him to court to get more than what she has been getting. She can't see the reality that she will probably lose money because he is not working. What kills me about this is that both dads are stand up guys. I know both sides in both cases. The dads are not dead beat dads. They pay their money, they spend quality time with the kids, and you hear the pride they have in their children when they talk about them. I can't figure out what makes women so bitchy that they have to do this to men who are being responsible for their children. I wonder if there is a shared reason for such bitterness, or if there is just a bitch gene that is in female DNA. Recessive in some and dominant in others. These 2 will go to such lengths to make the fathers miserable. These are the type of women I usually reserve the unspeakable "C" word for.
See, I am on the other end of the spectrum from them.

I think they should be grateful that the children have responsible fathers.
I think they should be happy that these men comply with what the court has set for an amount.
I think they should be happy that these men love their children.
I think they should be friggin grateful that they see any money at all from these men!

See, my son has a dead beat dad. A man who decided his son wasn't worth seeing. A man who never asks how his son is. A man who purposely, in the beginning, wouldn’t work, so he didn't have to pay child support. I have never seen a dime from him to support his son. And what is the killer is unlike the listed men above.......he didn't have some huge court ordered amount. $250.00 a month was all he was made to fork over each month. The effort and cost to pursue getting the money was out weighing what it would bring in. So at times I did without the basics, so that my son always had clothes on his back, food in his stomach and a roof over his head. Don't think I am not bitter about this..........our trials make us strong...........they help us grow in knowledge and character. Let them go back and see how others have to do without and how their "bitchiness" is nothing but greed and laziness. I would just like these women to recognize that they should be thankful, because for every one mother out there getting their child support there are 2 others that aren't.

******************************
My other story of greed was hearing about the gentleman that was hit by a car, when after a Bucs game he fell in front of a car when he went to pick up a soda he had dropped. Coke was handing out free cans of the C2 product. Apparently people were taking more than one can to try. It seems that a lot were taking more than they could carry and the streets were littered with unopened soda cans that people had dropped. Was he trying to pick up one of the many cans he was carrying, or was he just intoxicated and couldn't keep a hold on the can or his balance? Don't get me wrong, I am not saying a person’s death is justified by greed..... but maybe the women referenced above should take note

Couples

I resented them tonight.

I resented all couples tonight.

Maybe it was one too many or maybe it was just being vulnerable, but I resented couples tonight. I resented their closeness, their touchy feely, their whispered secrets. I remembered what I had, and I remembered what I missed. I remembere what I have lost. I hate being alone. I hate being without him.

Beauty

Well a good friend of mine commented on real beauty and asked his readers what we thought it was. (http://fhcjr.blogspot.com/) But comments only allow for 1000 characters, so I brought it over to my blog.

Unfortunately the media portrays anorexic twigs as beautiful, and people being people, follow along, both males and females. Females find the need to strive to look like super models at the risk of their health and men perpetuate it with their oogling and superficial comments. So many people don't want to take an indepth look at a person who is "flawed" in looks. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying all men are like that nor are all women. But, me, not being of the "beautiful" crowd can tell you stories.
Looking through a womens catalog for plus sizes, I noticed how the models were no larger than a size 10. If I were a size 16 to 28 woman, why would I want to see what the clothes, I want to buy, look like on a size 10 or smaller person? I called several companies that did this and ya know what I was told??? No one wants to see a woman that large!!!! Needless to say I boycotted those stores. Also, why is it that when I am on line minding my own bussiness, a man will IM me and start a conversation. No more than a minute into any of these conversations I get asked for a picture. I tell them I don't have one so they proceed to ask what I look like and the second I mention being over weight......bam!! the conversation ends. Funny thing is I don't tell them if its 10 lbs or 100.
It seems that no one wants to take the time to get to know me as a person because of weight. Quite frankly, I think I am a beautiful person. I am loyal to my friends, I give to the community, I am kind, I am forgiving, and have a wealth of love to give to a person who will see me for what I am.
Now I will agree about properly clothing yourself. I would never wear anything skin tight or skimpy. But I think the clothing you chose is out of respect for yourself. Dressing yourself appropriate for your body type and age is a must. It relfects how you feel about yourself. A large woman can make herself look drop dead gorgeous with the right clothing. Its all a matter of taking the inner beauty and conveying it on the outside. The thing is, can the media stop pushing "Barbie Dolls" as the ideal figure. I doubt it. But maybe people could start being less superficial and concentrate on what the soul and spirit brings vs what they eyes see.
I would much rather go out with a man who treats me well, respects me, and values me than some macho built guy with a great tan and perfect hair and teeth. Now I'm no saint. Eye candy is nice to look at, but if the ego is as big as the biceps and there is no one home upstairs, it ain't lasting past a one night stand. But I have to ask........ why is it that when I was 212lbs, no one would approach me, but now with the lbs that I have lost, they do? The only difference in me is weight. My personality hasn't changed any. My beliefs haven't changed, nor has my sense of humor or morals. (And by the way, the weight loss is being done for myself and my health)
True beauty is what is inside. Physical attractiveness is nice, but as we age, looks will fade. That is unless you can afford plastic surgery until you step into your grave. So what would you rather be looking at in your spouse when you are 80?? An empty shell of a person who can't hold a conversation or give a damn about you, or someone who still loves you and can still talk about anything regardless of how trival it may be.

The End of a Chapter

So it has come..............
I release a heavy sigh as I move on........ a nine year chapter of my life has ended. I spent the last week and a half closing up Petes house, getting rid of his car, and selling his belongings. Now I am left with the items I chose to keep and those that need to be mailed out to close friends.

Maybe things will be a little easier now.

Maybe I can concentrate on learning how to actually deal with the pain and not just dull it in alcohol.

This is certainly not the way I ever expected this chapter to end. I always figured Pete's character would make appearances throughout this story and maybe have a bigger role in future parts. Guess it's not to be, and goes to prove that real life can have just as many unexpected twists as turns as any well written book. But what does the main character do without a best friend, or side kick? Makes the rest of the story look a little boring...........and lonely.

Poignant

my immortal

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much, that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

Fights and Battles

I mentioned to a close friend that I was cleaning out my sons room because after 2 months of nagging I got no results and bugs were starting to come from it. My frends response was, take away the car keys and tell him he ain't going no where until it is done. I pondered this and realized that that would have been my normal path to take, so why wasn't I doing it? Now I am not looking for any sympathy here, but I think its because I am just too tired to fight anymore. The battles have been on going since April. One stressful event after another. I think my coping abilities are barely hanging on andI know the nerves are frazzled almost beyond the point of repair. It certainly doesn't take much to send me into a fit of tears. My house is still in disrepair from tha last hurricane and I barely seem to find time to sleep....... that is, when my mind allows me to sleep. Most of the time the only way I can sleep through a night is to have one too many....not really a good plan. But back to the battles............................right now I just rather not take on more than I can handle, I'm still feelinng a little overwhelmed. Another fight, no matter how small, is one more too many. Maybe next year I can lower the white flag.....................

No, Its learning to live with it.

An aquaintance said to me the other day, "You look much better. You must be getting over Pete's death." My response was, "No not really, just coping better."

And this started me to thinking...............................

Do we "get over" the death of a loved one?? I don't think we do. I believe we just learn to cope with the void that has been created. If we got over it, I don't think we would ever miss that person again, or cry at the loss, or find ourselves picking up the phone to have a conversation, only to realize we can't do it. All my grandparents have passed on and I find I miss them to different degrees. One of my grandfathers passed away when I was rather young. I miss him at
times, but not as much as I miss my other grandfather. He lived to be almost 100. He was around longer and had more influence over me. I miss his conversations, his knowledge, and his grumpy attitude that was just a facade. To me, as each person in your life passes, it leaves a wound on the human spirit, a wound that is big or small depending on the influence they had in your life. Wounds heal........and leave scars. We recover from the wound, but there is a constant reminder left in its place, that reminds us of the pain we felt and what we have lost. These emtional scars change us, just as a physical scars would. Sometimes they even remind us they are still there with a jab of pain or discomfort. Pete's death...........hurt a lot........it will leave a large scar............. No, I won't get over it, but I will learn to live with the void, and I will try to prepare myself for those days in the future when the scar will throb and be a reminder to what once was.

Is This All There Is?

I spent all of Friday and Saturday and half of Sunday cleaning out and packing up Petes house. I spent a considerable amount of time sorting through personal papers and small objects and photos collected over the span of his 35 years on this earth. As I went through these things, I sorted them out into piles......things that evoked my memories, things that I can't imagine anyone wanting, (for lack of any forseeable purpose) and things that might mean something to other friends and family, and things that could be sold. I ended up with 7 trash bags of the "I can't imagine anyone wanting" catagory. I found this depressing........ very depressing. I tried to imagine what significance these items may of had to Pete. I mostly came up blank. Would he be looking down at me for throwing out things that he treasured, simply because I did not know the value they had to him? And I thought ....... "What would someone think going through the items I have collected through the years?" How much of my "stuff" would get thrown out??

Is this all our lives turn into? Junk to be thrown out after we pass?

I know that my memories of him are representative of what his life was, but these things that mean something to us as an individual, are those now lost memories ............. ones that only live in one person, ones that will die with that one person? Maybe I just feel depressed about not understanding....... maybe I missed knowing a part of his personality or character. ............. maybe I don't like to think that our lives are brought down to such trivial things.

A NOBODY

Me and Pete

Wow.....I am officially a nobody. I knew Pete for 9 years and dated him for 8. We lived together for the past 4 years. I know him better than anyone, and I believe that to be an honest and true statement. I know his secrets, his childhood stories, his dreams and hopes, and I know the life he shared with me. Yet in his death, I have become a nobody. No one wants to talk to me because we never sealed the deal and got married. They rather talk to his mom in PA whom he saw 4 weeks out of an entire year, because she is blood. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, but wouldn't you rather know the facts, than get a guesstamit. It doesn't matter that I know what the mortgage payment is, or the car payment, or what his credit card balances were. It doesn't matter that I have the passwords to all the accounts and know the balance of the bank accounts. I can not be spoken to because I am not a blood relative and we did not make our lives together "legal". Isn't that ironic.....to know everything there is to know about another, but yet your are nothing in the eyes of the law because of a piece of paper.

I guess that piece of paper knows everything.

Why

OK so I have been out drinking......................but why is it that the more I try to forget, the more I remember??

Truly Meaning What You Say

Isn't it strange how when a tradgedy happens to you so many people want to come out and help you. They make the general offer of, "If you need anything just let me know." .............Have you ever tested that? In recent weeeks I have. Its funny how suddenly a person gets very busy or clarifies what they meant. Suddenly there are limitations to "if you need anything"? Well in truth I expected that. It seems that people have nothing else to say to you and that is just the generic line to spew out. So why say it if you don't mean it? Why do we feel obligated to offer help to someone who is in a bad situation or has suffered a loss if we know we can't do anything? Would'nt it just be better to say nothing? To me, it says a lot about a persons character, when they put out an offer that they can't deliver on.........kinda like writing a check you know will bounce. It makes people suspicous and wonder, if they cash the check, will it be returned insufficient funds? Isn't that what an empty offer is? Try saying something like. "Sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you" or if an illness, "Wow this is such a tradgedy, I hope you recover soon."

Simply...........Don't offer what you can't give.

Belief and Faith

We grow up being taught that there is a heaven and a hell. We hope that we live a good enough life to go to heaven. We are also taught that we will meet up with those that we love when it is our turn to cross over. If you read books about the after life we find that our loved ones are waiting for us on the other side to show us the way. John Edwards talks to those that have passed. I was raised with these beliefs and never questioned that it was any other way. I have lost friends and relatives and often have found myself talking to one or the other at times. So why do I now question these beliefs? Is it because someone, so close to me, has passed on? Or is it that I am not doubting what I was taught, but that I want them to hold true more than ever?
And on another note, when we go to heaven....do we go looking like we are at the time of our death, or do we get to choose to be our younger selves. Could it be that we are simply that whispy spirit but we can recognize others just from their prescence?

Coming Together

I was thinking back on how meeting Pete, lead me to meeting other people. It seems that when a new person comes in to our lives they bring along others that we don't think about....friends and associated in tow, if you will. Often these relationships are short lived and these folks eventually disappear out of our lives . I met several through Pete whom over the years I have talked to on numerous occasions, often to gang up on him and endlessly tease him.It was only through his funeral that I finally met them face to face. It was an instant connection and I fell in love with his friends from the past. The gift of gab was natural and it was as if his past had met the present and tied us all together. I hope between the exchanged stories they felt the same. It's as if I now knew his entire life from child hood to adult hood, and I got to know his 2 closest long time friends. He brought us together and in keeping in touch, we keep him alive, and through continuing our relationship he continues to live on. I am sure he is smiling down upon us....... and so it goes.........

Hero

Hero

May 15th 1969 to August 26th 2004

Often times people are lucky enough to meet their soul mate, their other half, their knight in shining armour. I was blessed enough to find my hero. I met him in a time of my life where critical decisions had to be made. It was often his support and words that got me through. I found in him, a rock for strength and a place to rest when weary. He gave my son self esteem and self confidence when he had none. He was always coming to my rescue.......locked out of the car, locked out of the house, a broken AC, electrical work, help with building things and playing chauffer to my son and his friends, always being there for me. He was my hero when he took on the job of firefighter. I was never so proud. And he was my hero when he promised everything would be ok after Hurricane Charley. He was my boyfriend, and formost, my best friend, a best friend as it was truly meant to be. For the time I got to spend with him I am truly grateful, 9 years of knowing him and 8 years of being his girlfriend, sharing our lives, thoughts, and hopes for the future. My life shall truly be a sadder one without him. Watch over me, Pete, and continue to be my hero.

Express

Isn't it funny how you just assume that close friends and family will be around as long as you are? We just think that a child, friend or spouse will be with us while we grow old. In doing this we forget to tell them we love them and care about them. We get into arguments and think nothing of slamming the door as we go off to work or school, with the last words we spoke being harsh. We let small things fester inside us until we are annoyed with each other all the time or we just let relationships fall apart because they are too hard to maintain. Don't let this happen. Turn to the folks you love and care about and let them know. Maintain the friendships that mean so much to you and don't let arguments leave you saying mean things to each other before you part your seperate ways for the day. Thank God my last face to face actions with Pete were good memories. Hurricane Charley had forced me to evacuate, as my home is in a low level area, I stayed at his new home of a month and a half. That friday as I tried to drift off to sleep he held me close and promised me everything would be ok, and that should my house be destroyed, we would salvage what we could and I and my son would move back in with him.....sharing his house this time. Well we got lucky and the storm hit south, so on Sunday he came and helped me take down the boards and clean the house.........when all was over I gave him a big hug and told him I appreciated his help. He gave me a quick kiss and said "anytime, you know that"........................ That was the last face to face........we talked several times on the phone and through IM, but 11 days later he would be gone. While the last time seeing him was good and the words we spoke on the phone and through IM were good. I only wish I had spoken those words.........I love you. We never say this enough to our family and almost would never say it to a close friend, but we need to, because tomorrow comes and tomorrow could briing a tragic loss. So to my dearest friends who have been supporting me these last 2 weeks...thanks........and I love you for being there, and Pete, if you can hear me or read my words....I love you.

Athens

Watching the Olympics is always a favorite of mine, but watching the summer Olympics this summer is impressive, just because of the wonderful sites in the background. I was watching the cycling the other day and occasionally there were glimpses of the Acropolis and the Parthenon. How cool is that! To be competing in the land where the Olympics originated, has got to be awesome. I wonder if the athletes look at those sites and think what an honor it must be to represent their country in the founding land? It would be awe inspiring to me. But then again if I had any talent that had taken me to any Olympics, I would be honored. I often had dreams of being an equestrian rider in the Olympics, but my parents never saw this as a seriously as I did. And so they never encouraged me or backed me and as a result I went no where with it other than personal enjoyment. I guess that is why I try to give my son every opportunity I can in his hockey endeavors, but I always leave the choices to him.

It seems to me that the Olympics should be reserved for those with the real talent, love of the sport, and desire to be good at what they can do. I wish they would go back to having nothing but amateurs. The US basketball team really tees me off. Those guys shouldn't be there. Since when does a person with a criminal past belong there? Criminal pasts of violence and racial riots. These guys are nothing but self-absorbed. Did someone say they want to be paid to play in the Olympics......oh please. I hope they fall flat on their faces, and so far they have. Basics and the love of the sport always prove stronger than showmanship and egos.
Oh well I have slid into a rant and my point was to comment on the awesome background setting of the Olympics and the spirit that goes with it.

Charley

Hurricanes are a pain in the arse, but what worries me is the complacency of people to leave. They have become so accustomed to the storms moving off at last minute to make landfall elsewhere or the storms don't pack the punch to do more than blow around the lawn furniture and some low land flooding. Here was a cat 4 hurricane coming straight for us and while I boarded up my windows, brought in every loose item in my yard, put tie downs on my sheds and prepared heavily, my neighbors did little but bring in the childrens toys. They even told me the were staying. Well my house is only 9 feet above sea level and the EOC was predicting 10 feet storm surge. Do the math. I said a prayer as I left my house, with rugrat, 4 cats, 4 ferrets, and 4 boxes of valuables in tow. We headed in land about 35 miles. We had a mandatory evac and still folks stayed. Fortunately for me and other residence of Tampa Bay, Charley headed inland to the south of us, to the misfortune of Fort Myers and Punta Gorde. So the lackadazical attitude will continue more in this area. I look at the destruction to my neighbors south of me and think..."It could have been me." My house could have been flooded or destroyed and I feel lucky that I was spared. And when the next storm comes, I will do the same, because I value my life, my sons life and my critters life more than I do my home and whats in it. Inconvenience can save your life. I can only hope that my neighbors think the same of their children.

Lost

Do you ever go through periods in your life where you just feel lost? Can't quite make out why. Maybe its all the changes that have gone on lately and I don't feel grounded in any one place. Peter is hardly home since he got freedom by way of car, boyfriend moved out, traveling on business, and upon my return assigned to a new and very unfamiliar job. I watched friends leave work to not return, and my long term, comfortable friend of a car was totaled out and I am learning the quirks of a new vehicle. Not that these changes are bad, well, for the most part aren't bad, but little, seems to lend that feeling of security.

ARRRGH!

When Peter first started playing hockey at the age of 8, I loved to watch him on the ice as he fumbled around to learn the game. It was fun watching the young inexperienced players. They tripped and fell, wobbled on their skates and always had that look of excitment in their eyes. I remeber that it was easy to get him up for a 5AM practice. As soon as I said "Peter , it's time to get up for hockey." he was out of bed faster than anyone could imagine, but try getting him up for school and that was another story. He spent so many hours on public ice practicing his balance, moves, and coordination. As he grew older and progressed with his abilities I was amazed and how being on the ice was so natural and easy for him. I watched him during practice and would marvel at how far he could take an edge. He loves the sport and I love watching him play. When his team is losing I forget about the game and just watch how he skates and how he plays the game. But I am not looking forward to this year.......it seems it has only taken one major jackass to take even the simplest of my pleasures away from this sport. A jackass with an ego, who inflates it by undermining others and talking poorly about them behind their back. A jackass, that makes my kid not want to play hockey, because said jackass announces himself as the coach after promising the position to another. Having been a past VP for a 2 year stint, hockey 101 coordinator, scheduler, and done many othe duties, it saddens me to watch a program I helped build, fall apart due to a person who wears the title of Youth Hockey Director. It was always for the kids and nothing else. He has so drained me over the last year with fights and arguments that I have contemplated getting a second job so I could let Peter play for a another league. But alas, Mr Director is such an idiot that losing his registrar and finance coordinator is not a concern. I really want to go back and enjoy watching the boys play and not have this other crap mar it.
What to do??
Hey bartender pour another one.

Back Home

Well I got home from Tulsa late Wed night......The rest of the stay up there was nothing exciting. Saturday I went out 2 steppin with by co worker. He's a little bit country and as I listen to everything thought it would be fun. He actually took me out on the dance floor and taught me the basic boot scoot. LOL. I was the one steppin all over toes, but I almost had it down. Monday and Tuesday were spent answering questions on the programs we just taught the folks in Tulsa. Wed was spent flying back. Whats really sad is when I arrived back at work on Thursday, Tulsa was calling and asking the same damn questions we answered at least 50 times while we were there. Friday they did the same, and whats worse is Friday was our let go date here in Tampa. Duh you guys better catch on real soon. I could only feel that Barry and I did nothing but waste our time being there in OK. for a week. I guess we were just talking to the vast open plains that make up the area. In regards to work......I was picked up by the migrations dept, so that means employment for maybe another 8 months. What it really means is some serious job hunting before the borrowed time runs out.

Tulsa

Well hidee ho!! Sittin' in Tulsa this fine morning and ya know what.....B-O-R-I-N-G!!! Here on business and trying to get info for the night life out of the locals was near impossible. I flew into Tulsa to help conduct a training class on the programs Intermedia uses, so that MCI folks can take our jobs on Monday. Anyway.......I figured I would try to entertain myself so my coworker and I kept asking everyone where to go for some fun. Finally the director of the department suggested a place called the Voodoo Room. It was located in downtown Tulsa.....now let me tell you, downtown Tulsa ain't got shit. They roll up the sidewalk at 5PM and thats it. The Voodoo romm is located in an area of town that is trying to rejuvinated so it is just a little seedy. But the Voodoo Room was way cool. You pay a $5.00 cover charge and you get access to 3 bars in this one place. One room plays R&R, another is jazz or kareoke and the third is a piano bar with 2 guys that get obnoxious and a bit raunchy at times. But can they play the piano!! So that is where we spent Friday night. People watching, laughing and dancing. While in the piano bar we even made a request of "Take this Job and Shove It" and dedicated it to MCI for our layoff in a week. The piano player obliged us by inserting MCI's name several times. And gee I got whistled at, approched by a drunk that wanted to take me home and a stripper (female) that wanted to get me to come to her club to give me a lap dance. *snicker* but she wanted my male co worker to pay for it. *snicker* We have found some really great places for food. Charlestons had great steaks, Mexico Lindos was some awesome/authentic  Mexican food  and we stopped off at a BBQ place that was pretty damn good as well.
 
MCI has req that we be in attendance at a class today, so we sit here in case questions arise. A little hard to be here after getting in at 4AM. LOL but thanks goodness this group has got a sense of humor. MCI has also req that we put in a 12 hour day on Monday and Tuesday. Yipee!!! How exciting! OK ,OK it is overtime.

Tulsa itself is hot, but no, or little humidity, so it is easy to take. The 105 "feels like" is not that bad. But enough for now. Got a Harley shop to check out and a pool hall to find.

TTFN

Pin in my pocket.

   I deal with people all day long. People of all ages. What is it that makes some people think they are better or more superior than everyone else. Where do their egos come from? Whay suprises me even more is when it is teenagers with the egos. Maybe life hasn't slapped them hard enough to give them a reality check. I hear alot of this talk amoungst the hockey players in the youth organization in which I am involved. I listen to their statements of self importance. "I am the team", "I am not playing unless so-and-so coaches." I hear this in the adults I deal with as well. Over the last few years I have dealt with coaches that just think they will be the next Herb Brooks. At work I deal with a group of techs that think they are the most capable people in the field. Sadly, they are highly lacking in basic knowledge. So what is it that makes them think they are the cats meow? Maybe next time I walk by I should just pull out a pin and pop the swelled up head. Wouldn't that be a riot as all the hot air escapes. Some might even fly about like balloons released in childs play.

Vacation

Well the suposed vacation is over. It wasn't much of a stress free escape from reality trip. But I did manage to squeeze in some fun and enjoyment. Now I am at home dealing with all the clean ups of the disasters. AC is semi fixed. It had a clogged line which in turn caused the coils to ice over and trip the fuse. The platform it had been built on was press board, so as the ice melted the platform started falling apart and the unit started to be in danger of falling 3 feet to the floor. But it is now cleaned out and on a new platform and working, Still need to have an AC tech come out and check it all out. Should have a new vehicle today thanks to Les.......and now just need to make arrangements to get the bird to the vet as he seems really ill and one of the cats seems to have an eye infection. Sheesh....does it never end??

Strike Three??

OK, so before I went on this vacation for some R&R, I let my son take my car out, his wasn't running, to have a last visit with his girlfriend before we left. So what did he do??? Ran a stop light and wrecked the car. Now this is 10:00PM on the night before we are to take the road trip. So.... I get the car towed to the shop and make arrangements for a rental. OK cost of vacation just went up. I take the vacation anyway. Now I,m in VA and have been informed that the car is totaled. YEA!! And I am supposed to be relaxing on this trip. So much for getting away from stress. I just finished consolidating all my bills to make life easier. Now I have to figure out a way to get a new car with out car payments. Oh and that is one that will last.
SO:
Strike One - Job layoff with last day as July 30th
Strike Two - Car wrecked, totaled and no way to make car payments.
Strike Three.............I sure hope it hits soon so I can have a nervous breakdown.

Gatoring

Definition: Gatoring - Taking a small John Deere 6 wheeled tractor, called a Gator, for an adventure in the woods.

Keeping in mind I am still in VA, Peter and I went gatoring today. My dads property is in the middle of nowhere and is located on a vast estate known as Garrets Farm. The Garrets still on the farm, but sold off two parcels of the land on the river front. In order to get back to my dads, you have to drive a private road that cuts through the farm. The farm itself is an old tobacco and hay farm. So anyway, Preston Garret is kind enough to let us roam on his vast property while we are visiting. We took the trial that follows the gas companies pipeline and then cut off onto a side trial. We ventured down the trial that was overgrown due to all they rain they have had here. Often we had to duck trees and thorns from the blackberry bushes that grow wild in this area. It miandered for about three miles and we came to a small creek that runs down from a pond higher up in the hills and feeds down to the James River. It was here we got stuck, Couldn't get the blasted Gator to get back up the hill. Peter and I just looked at each other as my fathers last words "Don't get stuck somewhere and make me have to come pull you out." went through both our heads. I looked at my son and said...1st I am not walking back, I am in shorts and I will no doubt get poison ivy, and 2nd, I am not telling grampy we are stuck." So we set to getting the gator "unstuck" First I pushed while Peter put it into reverse and hit the gas. No luck. So we switched places an tried again. Still no luck. Peter gave me that look of, "we better get grampy." No!" was all that came out of my mouth. We both laughed. I thought about this logically and said to Peter that there is more power in forward than reverse and if we could get it turned around then we could get it in 4 wheel drive as well and probably get back up the hill. We cleared a small area so that we could at least turn the gator around on the hillside. It took us about 5 minutes to get it turned around between all the trees and brush, but we did finally manage. Peter got in and on the count of three I pushed and he hit the gas, Eureka!!! it moaned and groaned its way back up the hill, occasionally sliding back, but getting a grip and heading further up the trail. We were both relieved. This was a high five occasion. We hiked a little in the area and did some exploring. Eventually we decided it was time to get back to the homestead, so we climbed back up the hill to the gator and headed on in. The rest of the drive back was easy. Peter and I giggled and laughed the whole way back. Once we arrived I was greated by my father. " I was wondering where you two were. I thought I was gonna have to come looking for you, because you had probably gotten stuck some where." I just looked at him with a sly smile and said , "What? Come on, we just lost track of time."

The 4th

I am up in VA for a little R&R. Man is it great up up here. Cool days, well at least compared to FL, and low humidity. For the 4th we went to the local park here in Lynchburg to see the fireworks. While they are not the spectacular site that I have become used to being in the bigger cities, they were awesome in their own way. Ya see this area of VA is rich in Civil War history. Every antique store you enter has items that have been found around these hills. Battles and skirmishes were fought all over this area. So when I sat on the hillside, watching the fireworks, I noticed the way they echoed and reverberated on the hillside. It was amazing and I couldn't help but think that this must have been the way a battle sounded. Cannons firing at the enemy. Heard for miles and miles, warning everyone to stay away. I closed my eyes and could see the blue and gray soldiers fighting in the woods and the larger battle going on in an open field nearby. I could almost hear the voices. Officers shouting orders, horses whinnying, soldiers screaming in pain as they were wounded. Do the ghosts of these soldiers still wander the area and do the fireworks remind them of a time gone by??

This is a gem!

OK. I just got my 30 day notice today. I took it quite well. I figure that as much as this place has sucked lately, and that fact I am embarrassed to tell people where I work, that being laid off just isn't that bad. Now if you read the previous post you know I had to take an ethics class. 2 we have had to do so far. I work in a dept that gives kid gloves handling to accounts that are high profile and have special contract agreements. One of those accounts is State of Georgia. They are my baby and I do my damnedest to be sure things get fixed in a timely manner and that they get all the info they need on ongoing repairs. That alone is laughable because since the actual repair work was taken from us and sent to Cary NC, nothing gets done in a resonable time. If they have a line go down, we are, by contractual agreement, supposed to have them up and working in 4 hours or we have to start paying them a % of their cost back, depending on the length of outage. It averages Cary 2 hours just to pick up the trouble ticket. So, anyway, I walked into my mgrs office to ask when we were gonna give the State of Georgia folks a heads up about what is coming. I was told we were not. See SOG is up for a contract renewal in 2 weeks......in four weeks they will not get the service the get now. They will be just another face in the crowd, treated just as rudely and curtly as everyone else. They complain now becasue they don't feel Cary meets their criteria in dealing with their needs....how are they gonna feel when their initial phone calls are met as just another call in to report trouble. No more concern because issues aren't fixed, no more concerns that we put pressure on the repair group to do their job......just another ticket to open and pass on. No ownership for anything. And they will be really pissed when they find they get this lack of service 2 weeks after signing on the dotted line. (or maybe they won't sign in the first place)

And all this after craming another ethics training class down our throats.

Hello, ethics hotline.................

Ethics Training??

Are you one of those folks that loves or at least "likes" your job?? Wish I were. Today I found my self staring at one of the company banners. In particular I was staring at the logo. MCI. And I couldn't help starting to feel a sense of loathing and distaste. Bernie Ebbers and his cohorts stole, cooked books and made enormous loans to themselves and the worker bees get to suffer for it. We just recently watched 7500 more employees get the boot and we felt it both emotionally and in the work load. Alcoholics Anonymous membership should be starting to increase real soon. Work load cases have doubled for most of us, and I don't mean from 5 cases to 10 but from 20 cases to 40............ so much for customer service. And the new CEO, Michael Capellas, nice salary dude! How many employees could be retained with that? Anyway, we, the entire company of worker bees, received an e-mail telling us we need some more ethics training. We already had one last year about not stealing company supplies and not putting ourselves into situations that would comprmise our morals. Funny thing is this company hasn't given me any office suplies in almost 4 years. Pens, notebooks, tape, staples, and occasionally even batteries for the headsets have come out of employees pockets. Hmm kinda sounds like teachers in the public school system........ and as for my morals, well I sometimes wonder if they are already comprimised by working here. But back to the ramble, now, they want us to take yet another class. This one on ethics in financial reporting. BWAHAHAHAHAHA, now please!! I certainly didn't cook those books! Of course I could report financially that they won't continue to survive if they take away any more people who service the customer. Maybe I could report the financial laughability of my paycheck for the mounds of work they now pile on me........ Maybe somewhere there is a connection between repairing frame relay circuits and telling Wall Street that we are sitting pretty on a mountain of dough.........and I just don't see it. No .....I really don't think there is a connection. So as usual, the little man does the time for the big guys that do the crime.........

Why don't I find another job??? Have you been in the job market lately??? Despite what the news reports.....well paying jobs are not the jobs that are opening up.

16, Have Ride, Will Drive

Well it seems Mom's Taxi Service has been put into semi retirement. Peter is armed with a liscense and a car. I remember back when I got mine. The excitment and new found freedom. I could now go visit my friends without my mother taking me there and any reason to drive was good, even if it was just to get milk at the grocery store or to pick up some mopeds that needed repairs. I was cool. I was in the car alone and I had the road. Moving from Florida to N.J. was even better because you had to be 16 in N.J. to get your learners permit. Here I was at 16 and driving......my friends were envious and thought it was cool to hang with me. I haven't lost my love of driving. Long road trips are great. I love just cruising the country side........windows down and the wind just blowing my hair into a frazzled mess. Its the way to go. Darn.....now that road trip in July, to VA, will have to be shared with my 16 year old. I also now see the other side. The freedom gained by my parents when I no longer requested rides from them. Its amazing how much time is freed up when you don't have to chauffer someone around. Suddenly you can stay at the local hang out a little longer. Sleep in a little later because you don't have to take someone to work in the morning. Ahhhhh life just got a little easier.

Life

I was asked about my motto yesterday. The one on the left side of my blog.

Don't sweat the small things. There is too much more going on out there.

I didn't learn this in life until I was about 34 or 35. Up 'til then everything was of major importance and could cause a crisis. Fighting your way out of an abusive relationship and dealing with its aftermath, makes the over flowing garbage a very trivial thing. I have learned that life is something to enjoy and if your not happy on the path your walking down, then turn and go in a new direction. I want to enjoy my friends. I want to know my friends. I want to like what I am doing. It's understood that I will probably never travel the world, or party with royalty, but the things I do can still be fulfilling, and entertaining. I can still let people know I am here.

But its not just that. There are larger issuses, a friend with cancer, a fence to mend with a family member, a missing child. These are the things that deserve our attention. Who cares if the dishes sit another hour. If I worry, I want to worry over something that is worth my time. I don't want to be wasting time wondering if the trash went out to the street, or did the lawn get mowed today. Yes these are things that need to be done, but if soemthing more important comes along, or something fun to do with a friend, well these things can get shoved aside for the time being. Enjoy life.

I don't plan arriving at my final destination in a nice neat package, pristine and undamaged. I'm gonna arrive screeching sideways, oil leaking and hollering Geronimo!!!!

Whodda Thunk It?

Champions!! 

WOW!!! Can you believe we did it!! We beat those Canadian boys even though, whats that you said?? Its your God given right to win the cup!!! Talk about HAPPY!! HAPPY!! HAPPY!! Man we lived through some pretty depressing seasons, but now, WE ARE ON THE TOP!Woooohooooo! I gotta tell ya.....my stomach has been in my throat since the beginning of game 6. Today was worse. I had that constant churning in the pit of your stomach, the stuff that makes you queazy and uncomfortable. I wanted this win and I wanted it bad. Who says that the fans don't live the dreams of the athletes? Fans want it just as bad. They want it for their boys, they want it for their city and community. Hockey moms want it, to know all that money hasn't been wasted and that Florida can make it in the sport.
I watched the game from the local wing house and what a crowd we had rockin in there. Fred I am soooooooooo jealous that you got to see the game up front and personal like, but George and I still had an awesome time. We did find a better Mama Ciarlo. Tall and pretty. Couldn't catch her name though....tried once or twice but wasn't able. But back to the game..............awesome baby, just awsome. Havta git on down to the stores for some new car flags, mugs and other good stuff. A day in history with memories of the whole series and two of the best friends I spent them with.

Off to dream heaven tonight............

One of the guys, or me, being accepted for me?

One Of the Guys 

Is it just one of the guys, or me, being accepted for me?

I have my girlie friends where I can go out and check out the guys, go shopping, or talk about the girl stuff. We hug, laugh and whisper secrets and this is great, but I also have the guy friends I hang out with and that is a different beast. They talk about girls and body parts, ask my opinion on the female side of things, talk sports, and in general......... are guys. They don't lose site of who and what they are because a "female" is present. I like this. It gives me an opportunity to see both sides of the coin. After all it seems the war between men and women is always there. You know the whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing. I get a totally different insite into who and what people are. I learned long ago to accept people as they are. See their good and bad and accept them for both. Don't try to change them, don't try to fix them. What they are is what makes them unique. So...since I get to hang with George and Fred and they aren't inhibited by my presence, does that mean I am one of the guys?, or do they just accept me for who I am? or is it all just really the same thing? It could be that we are just all adults and have learned that no one needs to impress the other and no self egos to bolster..... too much heavy thinking here....... how about another round of beer and wings.