Fights and Battles

I mentioned to a close friend that I was cleaning out my sons room because after 2 months of nagging I got no results and bugs were starting to come from it. My frends response was, take away the car keys and tell him he ain't going no where until it is done. I pondered this and realized that that would have been my normal path to take, so why wasn't I doing it? Now I am not looking for any sympathy here, but I think its because I am just too tired to fight anymore. The battles have been on going since April. One stressful event after another. I think my coping abilities are barely hanging on andI know the nerves are frazzled almost beyond the point of repair. It certainly doesn't take much to send me into a fit of tears. My house is still in disrepair from tha last hurricane and I barely seem to find time to sleep....... that is, when my mind allows me to sleep. Most of the time the only way I can sleep through a night is to have one too many....not really a good plan. But back to the battles............................right now I just rather not take on more than I can handle, I'm still feelinng a little overwhelmed. Another fight, no matter how small, is one more too many. Maybe next year I can lower the white flag.....................

No, Its learning to live with it.

An aquaintance said to me the other day, "You look much better. You must be getting over Pete's death." My response was, "No not really, just coping better."

And this started me to thinking...............................

Do we "get over" the death of a loved one?? I don't think we do. I believe we just learn to cope with the void that has been created. If we got over it, I don't think we would ever miss that person again, or cry at the loss, or find ourselves picking up the phone to have a conversation, only to realize we can't do it. All my grandparents have passed on and I find I miss them to different degrees. One of my grandfathers passed away when I was rather young. I miss him at
times, but not as much as I miss my other grandfather. He lived to be almost 100. He was around longer and had more influence over me. I miss his conversations, his knowledge, and his grumpy attitude that was just a facade. To me, as each person in your life passes, it leaves a wound on the human spirit, a wound that is big or small depending on the influence they had in your life. Wounds heal........and leave scars. We recover from the wound, but there is a constant reminder left in its place, that reminds us of the pain we felt and what we have lost. These emtional scars change us, just as a physical scars would. Sometimes they even remind us they are still there with a jab of pain or discomfort. Pete's death...........hurt a lot........it will leave a large scar............. No, I won't get over it, but I will learn to live with the void, and I will try to prepare myself for those days in the future when the scar will throb and be a reminder to what once was.

Is This All There Is?

I spent all of Friday and Saturday and half of Sunday cleaning out and packing up Petes house. I spent a considerable amount of time sorting through personal papers and small objects and photos collected over the span of his 35 years on this earth. As I went through these things, I sorted them out into piles......things that evoked my memories, things that I can't imagine anyone wanting, (for lack of any forseeable purpose) and things that might mean something to other friends and family, and things that could be sold. I ended up with 7 trash bags of the "I can't imagine anyone wanting" catagory. I found this depressing........ very depressing. I tried to imagine what significance these items may of had to Pete. I mostly came up blank. Would he be looking down at me for throwing out things that he treasured, simply because I did not know the value they had to him? And I thought ....... "What would someone think going through the items I have collected through the years?" How much of my "stuff" would get thrown out??

Is this all our lives turn into? Junk to be thrown out after we pass?

I know that my memories of him are representative of what his life was, but these things that mean something to us as an individual, are those now lost memories ............. ones that only live in one person, ones that will die with that one person? Maybe I just feel depressed about not understanding....... maybe I missed knowing a part of his personality or character. ............. maybe I don't like to think that our lives are brought down to such trivial things.

A NOBODY

Me and Pete

Wow.....I am officially a nobody. I knew Pete for 9 years and dated him for 8. We lived together for the past 4 years. I know him better than anyone, and I believe that to be an honest and true statement. I know his secrets, his childhood stories, his dreams and hopes, and I know the life he shared with me. Yet in his death, I have become a nobody. No one wants to talk to me because we never sealed the deal and got married. They rather talk to his mom in PA whom he saw 4 weeks out of an entire year, because she is blood. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, but wouldn't you rather know the facts, than get a guesstamit. It doesn't matter that I know what the mortgage payment is, or the car payment, or what his credit card balances were. It doesn't matter that I have the passwords to all the accounts and know the balance of the bank accounts. I can not be spoken to because I am not a blood relative and we did not make our lives together "legal". Isn't that ironic.....to know everything there is to know about another, but yet your are nothing in the eyes of the law because of a piece of paper.

I guess that piece of paper knows everything.

Why

OK so I have been out drinking......................but why is it that the more I try to forget, the more I remember??

Truly Meaning What You Say

Isn't it strange how when a tradgedy happens to you so many people want to come out and help you. They make the general offer of, "If you need anything just let me know." .............Have you ever tested that? In recent weeeks I have. Its funny how suddenly a person gets very busy or clarifies what they meant. Suddenly there are limitations to "if you need anything"? Well in truth I expected that. It seems that people have nothing else to say to you and that is just the generic line to spew out. So why say it if you don't mean it? Why do we feel obligated to offer help to someone who is in a bad situation or has suffered a loss if we know we can't do anything? Would'nt it just be better to say nothing? To me, it says a lot about a persons character, when they put out an offer that they can't deliver on.........kinda like writing a check you know will bounce. It makes people suspicous and wonder, if they cash the check, will it be returned insufficient funds? Isn't that what an empty offer is? Try saying something like. "Sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you" or if an illness, "Wow this is such a tradgedy, I hope you recover soon."

Simply...........Don't offer what you can't give.