Monday, November 29, 2004

Wanderings of the Mind

Many thoughts.........pretty much all over the place today.

First off I am glad that Thanksgiving is over. The Holidays are proving a tough thing to deal with this year. Thanks giving morning was spent trying to keep myself composed, before going to my mothers. My brother kept trying to talk me into spending Christmas in the Carolinas. If Thanksgiving was hard, I can't imagine Christmas and New Years. Christmas lights are being put up and they are depressing me more and more. A New Year is coming up and it will be Peteless. I hope friends will understand the lack of cards, presents and holiday cheer this year.

I have always been a "Get Over It" person, and for the first time I can't. Physical barriers and "consistant" barriers are easy to deal with. You can make a plan and go for it. Emotional issues are sooooo much harder. While they are always there, sometimes they hide in the background and other days they just jump out and slap you down. Somedays I wish there was a switch I could just turn off until it all went away. 3 months and counting and I still don't have a grip on it.

There was an accident on the way to work today. A car was not paying attention and went under a truck that was making its "wide turn" One of those thiings that you see coming but have no way to stop. You hold your breath and say a quick prayer that the person ends up ok. Be alert to whats around you. Your loved ones don't want to be without you.

My son was being pleasant this morning. Something teenagers aren't normally with their parents. I love when I see that part of him. It gives me hope that he will get his act together and be a produtive citizen.

Can I tell ya how much I love my furry, four legged, children. The cats have been over affectionate and the ferrets have been more entertaining and playful than usual. Must be the cool weather that has set in.........they bring a smile to my heart and soul.

Another "Ethics Training" class to take......"Respect in the Work Place" Bwaaaahahahahaha!!! We will see what thoughts that brings out in me.....may be a blog entry in itself.

Oh well..................until later..........

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Greed

Greed seems to be in abundance lately. Hmmmmmmmmm I thought this was the season of good will and giving.

Two bitches at work, and they are bitches for their shitty attitude about child support, are raking their ex over the coals. In scenario one, bitch #1 has a very well paying job, she collects an ample amount of money from her ex husband for her 2 children and then she collects another generous amount from and ex boyfriend whom she had her third child with. Between these 2 collections, she makes approximately what I bring home in a month. Throw on top of this what she makes here at work, and she is sitting pretty. But it’s not enough and she wants to take the ex boyfriend to court for more money. Bitch # 2 also has a well paying job here and has been collecting child support from her ex husband. He has willingly given her more than what is court ordered and one of the munchkins is not his. He has now lost his job and is currently unemployed and she is pissed because he is not giving her the "extra" amount. She wants to take him to court to get more than what she has been getting. She can't see the reality that she will probably lose money because he is not working. What kills me about this is that both dads are stand up guys. I know both sides in both cases. The dads are not dead beat dads. They pay their money, they spend quality time with the kids, and you hear the pride they have in their children when they talk about them. I can't figure out what makes women so bitchy that they have to do this to men who are being responsible for their children. I wonder if there is a shared reason for such bitterness, or if there is just a bitch gene that is in female DNA. Recessive in some and dominant in others. These 2 will go to such lengths to make the fathers miserable. These are the type of women I usually reserve the unspeakable "C" word for.
See, I am on the other end of the spectrum from them.

I think they should be grateful that the children have responsible fathers.
I think they should be happy that these men comply with what the court has set for an amount.
I think they should be happy that these men love their children.
I think they should be friggin grateful that they see any money at all from these men!

See, my son has a dead beat dad. A man who decided his son wasn't worth seeing. A man who never asks how his son is. A man who purposely, in the beginning, wouldn’t work, so he didn't have to pay child support. I have never seen a dime from him to support his son. And what is the killer is unlike the listed men above.......he didn't have some huge court ordered amount. $250.00 a month was all he was made to fork over each month. The effort and cost to pursue getting the money was out weighing what it would bring in. So at times I did without the basics, so that my son always had clothes on his back, food in his stomach and a roof over his head. Don't think I am not bitter about this..........our trials make us strong...........they help us grow in knowledge and character. Let them go back and see how others have to do without and how their "bitchiness" is nothing but greed and laziness. I would just like these women to recognize that they should be thankful, because for every one mother out there getting their child support there are 2 others that aren't.

******************************
My other story of greed was hearing about the gentleman that was hit by a car, when after a Bucs game he fell in front of a car when he went to pick up a soda he had dropped. Coke was handing out free cans of the C2 product. Apparently people were taking more than one can to try. It seems that a lot were taking more than they could carry and the streets were littered with unopened soda cans that people had dropped. Was he trying to pick up one of the many cans he was carrying, or was he just intoxicated and couldn't keep a hold on the can or his balance? Don't get me wrong, I am not saying a person’s death is justified by greed..... but maybe the women referenced above should take note

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Couples

I resented them tonight.

I resented all couples tonight.

Maybe it was one too many or maybe it was just being vulnerable, but I resented couples tonight. I resented their closeness, their touchy feely, their whispered secrets. I remembered what I had, and I remembered what I missed. I remembere what I have lost. I hate being alone. I hate being without him.


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Beauty

Well a good friend of mine commented on real beauty and asked his readers what we thought it was. (http://fhcjr.blogspot.com/) But comments only allow for 1000 characters, so I brought it over to my blog.

Unfortunately the media portrays anorexic twigs as beautiful, and people being people, follow along, both males and females. Females find the need to strive to look like super models at the risk of their health and men perpetuate it with their oogling and superficial comments. So many people don't want to take an indepth look at a person who is "flawed" in looks. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying all men are like that nor are all women. But, me, not being of the "beautiful" crowd can tell you stories.
Looking through a womens catalog for plus sizes, I noticed how the models were no larger than a size 10. If I were a size 16 to 28 woman, why would I want to see what the clothes, I want to buy, look like on a size 10 or smaller person? I called several companies that did this and ya know what I was told??? No one wants to see a woman that large!!!! Needless to say I boycotted those stores. Also, why is it that when I am on line minding my own bussiness, a man will IM me and start a conversation. No more than a minute into any of these conversations I get asked for a picture. I tell them I don't have one so they proceed to ask what I look like and the second I mention being over weight......bam!! the conversation ends. Funny thing is I don't tell them if its 10 lbs or 100.
It seems that no one wants to take the time to get to know me as a person because of weight. Quite frankly, I think I am a beautiful person. I am loyal to my friends, I give to the community, I am kind, I am forgiving, and have a wealth of love to give to a person who will see me for what I am.
Now I will agree about properly clothing yourself. I would never wear anything skin tight or skimpy. But I think the clothing you chose is out of respect for yourself. Dressing yourself appropriate for your body type and age is a must. It relfects how you feel about yourself. A large woman can make herself look drop dead gorgeous with the right clothing. Its all a matter of taking the inner beauty and conveying it on the outside. The thing is, can the media stop pushing "Barbie Dolls" as the ideal figure. I doubt it. But maybe people could start being less superficial and concentrate on what the soul and spirit brings vs what they eyes see.
I would much rather go out with a man who treats me well, respects me, and values me than some macho built guy with a great tan and perfect hair and teeth. Now I'm no saint. Eye candy is nice to look at, but if the ego is as big as the biceps and there is no one home upstairs, it ain't lasting past a one night stand. But I have to ask........ why is it that when I was 212lbs, no one would approach me, but now with the lbs that I have lost, they do? The only difference in me is weight. My personality hasn't changed any. My beliefs haven't changed, nor has my sense of humor or morals. (And by the way, the weight loss is being done for myself and my health)
True beauty is what is inside. Physical attractiveness is nice, but as we age, looks will fade. That is unless you can afford plastic surgery until you step into your grave. So what would you rather be looking at in your spouse when you are 80?? An empty shell of a person who can't hold a conversation or give a damn about you, or someone who still loves you and can still talk about anything regardless of how trival it may be.


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

The End of a Chapter

So it has come..............
I release a heavy sigh as I move on........ a nine year chapter of my life has ended. I spent the last week and a half closing up Petes house, getting rid of his car, and selling his belongings. Now I am left with the items I chose to keep and those that need to be mailed out to close friends.

Maybe things will be a little easier now.

Maybe I can concentrate on learning how to actually deal with the pain and not just dull it in alcohol.

This is certainly not the way I ever expected this chapter to end. I always figured Pete's character would make appearances throughout this story and maybe have a bigger role in future parts. Guess it's not to be, and goes to prove that real life can have just as many unexpected twists as turns as any well written book. But what does the main character do without a best friend, or side kick? Makes the rest of the story look a little boring...........and lonely.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Poignant

my immortal

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much, that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along