Wishes, Gifts and Guilt

I was shredding some old bills of Pete's last night and I came across the credit card bills where he had charged some of the jewelry he had bought me 4 and 5 Christmases ago. I felt guilty. One Christmas he had bought me saphire/diamond earings and matching pendant and spent $257.00 on the set and the year after he bought me pearl and diamond earings and spent $225.00. I loved both gifts when he gave them to me and still love them today. What do I feel guilty about?? I knew at the time he was in some tough times money wise but did not realize how bad until another year later. The credit card bills I have been shredding from back then have reminded me and shown me just how bad off he was back then. For the first time I have really put 2 and 2 together and realized how much he wanted to make me happy, despite the fact he had little money, he put himself further into debt to buy me something he knew I would love. He knew I had a weakness for sparkley things.......he also knew that I am not materialistic and he could have made me happy with a $10.00 stuffed toy or $7.00 over sized coffee mug for my iced coffees.................. but despite his debt he chose the expensive gift. I know many would say that he was dumb for doing that, but it makes me understand how much he loved me. He never stopped thinking about me, and I see it more and more as I look at the big things he did for me........and moreso in the little day to day things. Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I could have seen this all back then. I wish I had been more attentive.............I wish, I wish, I wish.........

Spare Me

Ya know with all the publicity of the Schiavo case these days, I gotta say........NO EXTREME MEASURES FOR ME. God I would hate for someone to keep my spirit bound to earth in that state. Please think of ME. We try so hard to hold on to the ones that we love that we make decisions out of selfishness rather than what is best for the soul that is held to earth. I understand that the Schiavo's believe that there is a possibility that their daughter can become cognative again and believe there is a possibility she can eventually do for herself again, but what if she can't?

What if there is some part of the brain that fully understands everything that is going on and is trapped in a body that won't ever function again? That, would truly be the prison from hell. I can't imagine being a spirit that wants to pass on to a greater place and to be held here by family members who can't let me go. Aren't the memories of a person who was strong, happy and full of life, better than ones of feedings, lifelessness, and empty eyes?

Inner Peace,

Quality,

Dignity,

I hope my family will afford me this.

Time

On my 45 min drive to work today I was thinking how it never seemed that long of a drive. My mother always cringes at the thought of driving 45 minutes or an hour to work. I listen to the radio, random thoughts occupy my head and there's the being ever vigilant for the loser drivers that think by cutting in and out of traffic, they will somehow get to work faster. This road time goes by quickly. I thought to all the trips I made to get to hockey games. Ellenton (45 min), Fort Meyers (2 1/2 hours), Maitland ( 1 hour 45 min) and Tallahasee (3 1/2 hours) These trips all seemed like nothing really. Just part of the sport. I then wandered back to my road trips, 22 hours to NJ, 12 hours to VA.......... I enjoyed these drives..........time did not seem forever. So why, when I think back to trips I took as a child, did they seemed so unbearably long. A 2 hour trip was unthinkable. It was like a day....... Its not like we didn't take a lot of road trips when I was young. We took them all the time. Cleveland to Columbus...........New Haven Connecticut to Boston Mass.....these trips weren't long but it sure seemed it. I remember how 30 minutes was forever and an hour was an eternity. Now an hour is barely enough time to get up, get showered, have some coffee and get out the door to work. An hour of daylight was more than enough time to get in another game of kickball and hide -n-seek, or to get a new city built in the sandbox. Now when I look at the clock at work, and see I only have an hour left, I think, "Don't start that project cause you won't have time to finish it." or " Only an hour to go and I'm outta here" An hour now is like 5 minutes compared to the childhood time clock. I wish I knew how to put the clock back to the slow pace it was when growing up. I could accomplish so much more, have more me time, and maybe even find time to watch a sunset.

Done

Well today was it!
I quit TBJL.
I was tired of the director who made his own rules, who didn't care about kids unless they played for him. I was tired of the hassle to get things done right. I am tired of busting my ass for people who just don't get it. I watched a program go from 500 kids to 150. It is a sad ending, but one thats time has come. I gladly turn over the headaches, the hassles and the disregard to anyone who wants it or to the one it is forced on. Now I can go out and get a Real second job. It means paying for hockey if Peter plays else where, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Maybe his last year he can play for a real league............................

More ........??

I have buried myself in work the last few weeks and have been racking up the overtime. I figured I didn't have much of a life so why not work and make some more money. This has put me into the thinking mode...... thinking about what life is and figuring there has got to be more. I look at the way things are now......only one income in the house now, 2 mouths to feed, and repairs still needed to the house after the lovely hurricane season, working OT is the only way to keep up with the money going out. It has been a long time since I have had to live paycheck to paycheck and it really does suck. When do I get to enjoy life? When do I get to start doing things I want to do? Right now my guess is never.......I will probably be working until the day I am put in the ground. Of course I can always hope to win the lottery. Ya right........like that will ever happen. It would be nice to find a solution to make it all slow down to a point where I can enjoy the days............. not just suddenly look up from my desk and realize a month has gone by. Maybe some people are destined to work forever............ such a sad thought..... there is so much I would like to do........