Friday, December 30, 2005

Resolution...... no a goal, for 2006.

I was inside leaning against the door frame of my front door. Looking at the Christmas lights accross the street, I popped open my beer. I watched the lights as they blinked and moved about from the breeze. I was trying toremember about when it was that I started losing the excitment of Christmas. It wasn't hard to remember when it was that I lost the last shred of it, but I wanted to remember exactly what year it was that there was just was a little less umpff than the previous years Christmas. I thought back over the years of dealing with my mother in her post stroke personality........her irrational behavior, her threats and her guilt trips. I would guess that that would have to have been the start of the decline. But, my first Christmas in my new house, was better and as Christmas's came and went in this house things improved until 2004, when it all crashed. As I looked at those lights, I wondered if I could get it back. And thus, I started thinking about the new year to come. I needed it to be different. There have been too many heartaches, too many struggles and way too much bullshit. I am tired of feeling lost. Maybe at midnight I should grab on to 2006 and demand it be a better year! Demand it treat me right. Tell 2006 I deserve better, that I deserve to be happy, that I am owed a good, successful, unburdened and happy year! I want more than the humdrum, same shit, different day routine.

So for 2006, I just want to find myself.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

My Glass Menagerie

I was at home on a weekend and was watching tv. It was about 1 in the morning, and I heard footsteps coming up the stairs of our condo and new who it was. Not wanting to deal with him I turned off the tv and booked for the bedroom. I didn't make it. The door opened and in came my drunk husband. This was never a pleasant scene.
"I see your up. I'm hungry. Fix me some fuckin eggs and bacon!"
" Its really late. I was just heading to bed."
"I said, fix me some fuckin eggs and bacon!"
Not wanting to start anything I obliged. I went into the kitchen cooked the bacon and then the eggs, runny, sunny side over. I handed the plate to him and was about to make it to the bedroom door when a plate went whizzing by me and splattered me with egg yoke.
" GOD DAMN IT!! You over cooked them!" A one sided argument pursued. I knew it was a lost cause. When it got like this only one thing followed. This night he chose to break things that meant something to me. 6 years earlier my brother had given me a hand blown glass unicorn. It wasn't the average type that you find in the stands at the mall. This one was different. It was made from clear glass and very intricate. To give it texture the artisan had done spiral curls with the glass. The mane was made of whispy leaf like pieces, and the tail of individual hairlike stands. It was absolutely beautiful. It was mounted on a polished piece of wood and incased in a glass box with a mirrored background. It sat on the highboy in the living room. Michael comtinued to yell. He was walking toward me and I was preparing for what was to come, Instead he grabbed the treasured unicorn off the highboy and flung it accross the room. I could only gasp and watch it hit the wall. My heart was crushed. You could hear the glass as it shattered inside the box. It sounded like crystal that exploded from a singers perfect high pitched note. As it hit the ground I ran for it. The box itself hadn't broken but the unicorn was destroyed. It was nothing but shards of glass. I cried and I cried hard. I knew he was standing behind me taking pleasure in my pain. I couldn't look at him and was too frightened to turn around. As I cried, I heard the front door open and then shut. He was gone........... I picked up what was left and went to the bedroom. I placed the box on the night stand and eventually fell off to sleep. In the morning I was still alone. I layed in bed as the morning sun came through the window. I rolled over to look at my precious unicorn. Life had srtuck another blow. I couldn't help but think how my life was just like the unicorns. It was nothing like I thought it would be. Why was I stuck in this life. A life of shards that couldn't be put back together. A life of pain. A life reduced to no worth. As I was contemplating the wrong ways out of the life I had come to know, the sunlight from the window hit the remains of the unicorn. I watched as brilliant colors danced and sparkled across the pile of broken glass. I was fascinated and thought of diamonds. As the sunlight moved off the box, I was amazed that even broken glass could transform itself into something else of beauty....... and then, I realized that even my life, held hope for transformation into something of worth and value. I just had to find it.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

A Twinge of Christmas Spirit

So this year I actually have a slight twinge of Christmas Spirit. I bought a tree and put it up. While all of the ferrets took an interest in the tree, three decided to help out. As I was decorating it Tauvi decided she wanted to be the angel atop the tree. Woozle inspected the way the ornaments were put on the tree and Teeki makes sure there is enough water.





Tuesday, December 13, 2005

My Latest Attempt



Last night I made another attempt to ferret proof my couch. The pictures show the damage they have done over the years of diging to get inside it, which the have down to and art now. So I cut some wood and laid it along the sides to prevent them from getting in, and lengthwise to keep it to the sides and to support the center. We will see how long it takes. I had alaready taken heavy fabric and sealed the bottom of it up. (Its a hide - a -bed) I know most people would be upset buy the damage, but I only paid $100.00 bucks for the couch at the Goodwill Store, and even if I remove the sheets I keep over it all the time, the damage doesn't show.
The code of ferrets - chaos, disorder and mayhem. Gotta love those little guys :)

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Person From The Past

I was sound a sleep the other night and my phone rang. As I answered it, I looked at the clock and saw it was 1:45 in the morning. First thing I thought was my son was out and got in trouble, and then I realized he went to bed before I did. A scratchy, sleepy "hello" came out of my mouth.
"Did I wake you?"
"Huh?" was all I could manage.
It took me a minute to recognize the voice from the past, and from the past it was. 10 years past to be exact. Isn't it strange that some people can come in and out of your life and when you meet it is as if there was never that great bridge of time between you. This was the third call between us and each time the conversation picked up as easily as before. He has made two and I, one. Each call has been at a time when one or the other needed a little peace of mind and an unbiased view of life. Isn't it strange how you can meet someone that makes time stand still between meetings, regarless of how far apart those meetings are. No we were never a couple, an item, or boyfriend and girlfriend. We were just two people who knew each other and helped each other through some really rough times.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Bumbled Words

I was out shoppping the other day and had picked up some gift cards for a friewnds birthday. I was sitting in the truck filling out the card and a woman tapped on my window. When I roled the window down she asked where I had gotten my bumper sticker. It reads "My heart belongs to a firefighter" She said her daughter just married a firefighter and she thought it would be great for her. I replied that it came off of one of the web stores but I wasn't sure which one cause Pete had gotten it for me a while ago. She asked what station he was at and I had to tell her that he died 15 months ago. Thing is it came out all flubbed up. I tripped over my words and every question she asked felt strange answering. It was the first time that a family member of another firefighter had spoken to me and it felt awkward. I'm not sure why.