Christmas Venting

In general, I'm not much of a Christmas / Holiday Season person. I really lost my enthusiasm for Christmas when Pete passed. I know...I hear you saying that is the past and get over it, well fact is, it was his childlike craze for Christmas that always helped me find mine. Together we were an unstoppable Christmas Duo...he in his Santa Clause hat and me with my candy cane on the back of my Rav 4. Truth being, we just bounced off each other......when he passed, it wasn't just the sadness over the loss of him, but there was no one to stoke me up.

And so in the 4 years he has been gone, I have come to realize how commercial the holidays are. Duh you say....well when you are brimming over with holiday cheer and feel Christmas in your heart, you don't see that. Its not what it ever was for me and Pete. And with that, I have felt obligated to buy presents, even when I really can't afford to. I feel disapproval when all I spend is $30.00 on someone.....I just don't think my family understands......then I get to feel like crap because its just a "small" gift and not appreciated. In truth I could be under estimating my younger brother......there was a time he could only buy $10.00 gifts. I understood and it never bothered me...I always considered the thought. My sister and I had a long conversation over lack of funds and buying presents but she still bought big. Then there is my older brother, he has a lot of debt, a wife who spends like crazy and they bought alot of gifts. Maybe the truth is we all feel the same but everyone is afraid to say something.....so we all just spend and charge away. Oh yes I hear the...."just put a little away each paycheck"..... that doesn't work out so well when you are living paycheck to paycheck. So needless to say, all the "obligated" gift giving just drags me down more.

What I can say is the time spent with the out of town family was nice. Sitting around talking, watching movies and playing family games was all very nice. To me that is what Christmas is all about. I could be happy buying gifts for nieces and nephews and then just sitting around with family creating more good memories. Maybe its just more folks need to realize that its the family that is important...not the gifts.

Oh well.... maybe I'll get some bills paid off this year and the cost of living will come down, then maybe, just maybe, those "obligated gifts " won't stress me out so much. This is one year I will be glad when the holidays are gone. I can always hope 2009 will be better.



Some of the things that made me feel crappy:

1) I could only spend $30.00 per person

2) I felt pressured into spending $100.00 for a refrigerator fund for my mother because the
other siblings were all doing it. I know my mother....I will be surprised if she buys one in the
next 12 months.

3) My mother and I were asked if we wanted to go a visit some folks who are second family. I
didn't go because they were going out to eat and I couldn't afford it. My mother said no
because she didn't want to spend the whole afternoon "out" nor did she want to eat out. At 2
PM I got a call from my mother. She said they decided to eat in because she (my mom) didn't
come since they had made plans to eat out, they were disappointed in not seeing her and
would she come if they ate in. Well of course she would! Alas tho, she can't drive right now, so she had no way to get there. Their response was ....well call Stephanie and ask her to bring
you. I took her, but hated being the tag along because I was the chauffeur. I used to be close to these people but over the years they have really made me feel second class.

4) I felt like a maid..... I had to clean my mothers kitchen before I could cook Christmas
dinner. I wouldn't have let my cats eat off her counters. Don't get me wrong. I love my
mother but her cleaning skills have really gone south since her stroke. I had thoroughly
cleaned it 6 months ago and had to do it again. (Note: The floors still need a heavy scrubbing)
And yes...I had to wash the dishes after dinner too.

Sir Woozle, My Little Knight

Sir Woozle passed away Thursday evening.

By far he has been the hardest to let go. He had been quite ill and adrenal disease was taking its toll. Lupron was no longer controlling his problem and he let me know he was ready to go. I had set up an appointment for Friday to take him to the vets to make his journey to his next life. He didn't wait that long. Thursday evening I cam home from work and he was very weak. I spent the rest of the evening with him wrapped in his favorite blanket in my arms. I packed his bags with hugs and kisses and told him not to be afraid. Shortly after 9 PM he had a mild seizure and took his last breath.

People believe in many things..... I believe in a Supreme Being....I believe that God calls all his creatures home........and in saying this, I believe that Sir Woozle gave me a glimpse of what was on the other side. When Woozle took his last breath and his little body relaxed, I shut my eyes in sadness and what I felt was extraordinary. I felt the incredible serenity and calm........ peace in every part of me.......... all I could think was, "If this is what heaven is like, I am not afraid."

My little sweetheart gave me a gift like nothing else. A moment I will never forget. I know he is happy and at peace. Its amazing how such little ones touch our lives not just in what they give us in life, but what they continue to give after.

Learn a Lesson

I was watching my ferrets play the other day. They are often better than TV . It was my senior group of ferrets being a bit more exuberant than usual.........war dancing, dooking and rumbling with each other. I watched Lielah and Sir Woozle dook it out with each other. Lielah is a 1 lb 6 oz little girl and Sir Woozle is 2 lb 7 oz. Lielah was holding her ground and keeping up even with her 1 pound disadvantage. What really set me to thinking is that both of these 2 have adrenal disease. They are on medicines that can help control the disease but not cure it........eventually even the Lupron will no longer sustain them and the disease will take over and take them from me........ but, here are 2 sick ferrets and yet they can live and play for the moment. Nothing is as important as now...........life can't wait and they must do all that they can .....NOW.

If only we……..people could live this way

Now you can tell me that animals don’t know they are sick or that they are dying, but I don’t believe that. I have looked in the eyes of an animal pleading to be put out of pain…..released from a disease ridden body. I have also looked into the eyes of an animal that has asked for more time. I have watched my ferrets play more gently with another ferret that is ill, disabled or old…….. and I have watched one ferret nuture another that was mourning the loss of a mate. Oh….they understand life…….maybe better than we do.

4 Years Ago.....................

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be (? )
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday’
cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Josh Groban

Angel Has Her Wings

Today I said goodbye to a beloved family member.

She was of the feline persuasion.

Her name was Angel.

She was taken down quickly this weekend by cancer. As pet owners we have the ability to allow our fur kids to pass with grace and dignity. While I was given treatment options, I knew what it would do to her and she was already tired. If you pay attention your pets let you know when its enough. Their eyes speak volumes
Angels life was not very long. She blessed me with 10 years of love, kindness and affection, far shorter than the standard 18 to 20 years cat usually hangs around. Maybe her life was shortened, because she was special. Maybe there were other plans for her.................... at least I know she is happy and whole again, free of pain and discomfort.

I think her passing, has an added hurt, another one of those tenuous strings that connects me to Pete, is now broken. See, Angel was given to me by Pete, as was Sergei. Over the years, things that were his, get broken or shattered, misplaced or lost or just quit working. As each object goes its way, its like another tie breaks. We try so hard to hold on to those that are gone. Maybe I am just being nostalgic with the 4th year anniversary of his death rolling up.

So kitty has passed on........she has crossed rainbow bridge.......... to roll in the never ending meadow of catnip, chase her rattle-ee fuzzy mice, and to lay in the warmth of the sunlight swishing her tail to and fro. I am sure having conversation with Billy and Raini, relating further stories of the pesky ferrets and how they have over run the house, how sunny perches are still hard to find, and hopefully of how much they loved being in my care. Here at Rainbow Bridge they will stay..... and wait, until the humans time comes to pass when both will pass on through the pearly gates side by side.

This was sent to me by a friend....thanks Nita.............

I just wanted to let you know
that I made it home.
The journey wasn't an easy one,
but it didn't take too long.

Everything is so pretty here,
so white, so fresh and new
I wish that you could close your eyes,
that you could see it too.
Please, try not to be sad for me.
Try to understand
God is taking care of me...
I'm sheltered in His hands.

Here there is no sadness,
no sorrow, and no pain.
Here there is no crying
and I'll never hurt again.
Here it is so peaceful
when all the angels sing.

I really have to go for now...
I've just got to try my wings.

Unknown

Quick Quips

Well its been ages since I have been up to blog. Not sure if the lack of interest is due to being busy, apathy or just nothin to write about but this should at leasy update things.

I took my yearly trip to Virginia to visit my dad. My sister was there the same time as me and that was great. My youngest bro showed up for the 4th of July holiday and the older bro, with family in tow showed uo on the 4th. All was great until once again older bro turned into the ass and made personal attacks on me and my son. I don't know what his issue is but I am really getting tired of it. He has been on Peter's and my back for at least 7 years now. He always claims it amazing that Peter isn't in jail like he predicted he would be 7 years ago. Granted Peter hasn't been an angel, but its not he has been some gun totten thug. I mean Peters list of trouble includes numerous traffic tickets, a few detentions in school and a 5 day in school suspension for setting off firecrackers in the cafateria, which the principal admitted was something he had also done in school. And yes Peter had some emotional issues to work through because of his wonderful father and along with that I got a mouthy kid, but he has turned out ok. He is straight edge (no drugs, no smoking, no alcohol)and is starting EMT training in September. ANyway the over all vacation was pleasant and relaxing. Wish I coulda stayed longer

I put in some new gardens in, in the back yard. I am trying to make the barren back yard my escape to a peaceful hide away. I want to make it so when your in the back yard you can't see other houses. Kind of a pretend oasis far away from humanity. Lots more plants to go, but it is a start.

I now have another ferret on permanent meds. Lielah was diagnosed with Adrenal disease and requires monthly Lupron shots. Not a cheap drug, but I made a commitment to my critters and I carry through with their care with no qualms.

I had my 2 year mark at my job. Wooohoooo.

June was a busy month. I had lots of dog walking/sitting that kept me busier than I would have liked. I am taking a break from pet sitting due to other issues that have come up.

I took on cleaning the office for extra money when the normal cleaning lady quit. It helps pay the vet bills and sometimes for my meds. Can't sneeze at that

I have been thinking of getting contacts. I hate wearing glasses. I hate they way they steam up when going from A/C to outside or outside to A/C. I hate the constant switching of glasses for driving normal use and working at my desk. Mostly I hate the way I look in glasses.

Boring....ya I know....but no real deep thoughts have had time to get into my head....things have been hectic and I just feel like I am running a rat race lately. There was only dial up while on vacation and I just didn't see it worth the hassle or effort.

Stanley Cup - Detroit VS Pittsburgh

As I watch the third game of the Stanley cup finals, I get a little giggle when I imagine what this house would be like if Pete were still alive. While we were united in our 1st choice team, the Lightning, of course, his second team was Pittsburgh and mine and Peters is Detroit. I can only imagine all the rivalry, teasing, hootin' and hollering that would be goin on right now. The entire finals would be C-R-A-Z-Y around here. I wonder what bets we would have going on and just how close I would be to winning it. :) Oh and how much fun would Wing House be tonight with both of us at the same table and rootin for different teams............

In Retrospect.... an Anchor Around His Neck

How often do you look at your past relationships and wonder why it didn’t work out?

Every now and then I look back, not out of sadness or regrets, but for future reference.

Lately I see more than just “You got another ferret?!!”as being the reason for the last break up. Yes I still talk to the ex BF on occasion…………why you ask? I can’t say I really have an answer…. Are we really friends? ….. Is it a last string that can’t be let go of? …. Do I see being invited to do anything, go somewhere? ….. Probably not… But that would be another topic to delve into in the future. What I do see is that I was probably a leash…. A chain around his neck…. A weight, an anchor. His motorcycle was the road to freedom……. A road to be with the guys. It would seem, that with me around he couldn’t do those things guys like to do when they have a bike. Weekends riding a bike with the guys….. Bar hopping….. Road trips….. Adventure on the highway……. Kinda hard to do with a chic around. What probably made is worse was that we were an hour away from each other so weekends were our only time together. I see it now…….. decision…..make GF mad- go with the guys vs see GF-she won’t be mad-but not as much fun. I guess the GF can only win out for so long before it turns into some resentment. What could ever give me this impression? Well if he isn’t telling me about the place work sent him, then it’s a story of where he went with the guys…… On their bikes………. And what band they saw …..Or what scenery there was. Whats the future plans…… Trips up north….More of the guys…. More concerts. Am I bitter about this??? No……..not really. He deserves some fun in the sun. He doted on a special needs son for 16 years and I would say he is due the playtime…..but one day he will realize that the chrome and metal of the Harley doesn’t keep him warm at night ;)

A Message to the Heavens

Happy Birthday Pete!

Florida Ferret Forum

Driving home today I was in such an incredible mood. I had such a great time, met wonderful people, listened to wise people speak and made a haul. I drove up Friday night so that I could join in the “Meet and Greet” There were about 15 people that had made it and we all made our introductions in the rooms where the forum was to be held and eventually moved to the bar for some adult beverages, I met Julie Fossa finally… a ferret enthusiast that I have conversed with many time through e-mails and brought my girl Liberty down from Ohio. I met several other folks that ran rescues or knew by name only through the FML. We all sat and chatted with each other until about 11PM. It was so cool hanging out with people who WANTED to talk ferrets and didn’t roll their eyes when you mentioned your furkids. Today (Saturday) was filled with medical lectures by Dr Vargas, Dr Cottrell and Dr Ernest, Vicki Caldwell spoke on animal abuse, hoarding and how to stop and report it…..how to get action when it seems none of the agencies care. Lastly was Shelly Trulock on life with ferrets…..full of antidotes…… all stories we could relate to and laugh about. Our surprise speaker was Travis Livieri (I think I have that right) from the Black Footed Ferrets…Prairie Restoration.. So awesome! He auctioned off a BFF package that had one of his photographs…autographed of course…… a poster, a book, a t-shirt and a BFF stuffie. He ended up getting $200.00 for it!! In total there was maybe 40 people. Julie said she was happy with the turnout. There were raffles galore and the vendors had some awesome stuff…..ferret bedding, ferret jewelry, ferret towels, ferret purses and bags…. Treats….meds…… first aid kits….., tons of stuff.. The goodie bags had great stuff………… Here is what was in it, along with coupons to ferret supply companies.





I spent 40 bucks on raffle tickets….. I figured even if I only got one thing I would be happy and I knew the money was going to a good cause.










Is that like the MOST AWESOME coffee mug ever!!


And yes!!, I won that cage...... not a Feret Nations, but Prevue's version....a few changes to make it safer will be needed, but when I get my ferret room back I don't have to go and buy my second cage now. As you can see, I made a haul…..spent $40.00 but got back at least $175.00 in goods. There was another 3 or 4 bags of food I also won, but I gave those to Patti, who is a volunteer with DookNook Ferret Shelter and Rescue in Jacksonville….run by a good friend, Jackie. I figured Jackie could use the food more than me and thought why not spread some of the wealth. One of the prizes was 2 meletonin implants, which I could have used for Lielah, and another was the syringe and needles used to insert the meletonin….lol, I won the syringe but not the meletonin….. I asked Patti if Jackie could use them but she said Jackie was too afraid to do it herself……it is a BIG needle and requires local anesthesia. Maybe my vet will give a discount or I can find another shelter that could use them. I tried to find the person who won the meletonin, but they had already left it seemed. In all it was a great time only saddened by the news of Renee Downs and the loss of Gandalf. Renee was on her way to the forum when the accident happened. I was so hoping to meet her and the news brought tears to my eyes and reminded us all once again that life is precious. It was strange not getting up Saturday morning to the chores of cleaning 7 litterboxes, cleaning and disinfecting the cages, doing the ferret laundry and administering meds…..even stranger was not waking up to give morning kisses to the fuzzbutts. I was gone a little over 24 hours and missed my babies like you wouldn’t believe. When I got home…..I found my kids missed me as much as I missed them. My kids were all over me when I sat on the floor in their play areas. I was showered with kisses, groomed and Liberty did he war dance for me…… coming up and placing a paw on my knew and off dancing again…… just like she did when we first met. And of course I bought some toys for them!

Kitty Humor

Quick Quuips

I have learned to care for one of my ferrets in a way I thought I never would. Sir Woozle has had one of his kidneys fail and in order to keep his other one healthy he needs sub Q fluids. I have learned give him his daily fluids. I was apprehensive at first even though I have been giving Angel monthly shots for a while now. Somehow the thought of daily sticking my ferret was a bit nerve racking, however after nearly 2 weeks its not so bad. I bribe him with treats and he really doesn't even notice what I am doing. Once finished he goes on his merry way like nothing even happened. I have noticed a huge difference in his behavior. He has become playful once again and his coat is no longer yellow but a very nice white. Its amazing what we learn to do when we really love our pets.

I feel like I am in a rut and I can't get out. Day in and day out its always the same thing. Its kind of gotten me depressed and I wish something would happen to make life in general terms...worth the hassle. *sigh*

The electricity went out last weekend and its amazing how quiet it gets. Things can be quiet, but once the electronics are no longer whirring, lights aren't humming, and there is no whish from the AC unit......quiet takes on a whole different meaning. It also occurred to me that I hear more children's voices and chatter outside when the electric is out. Its a shame that it takes an outage to get kids outside nowadays.

Why is it when people do something that is good, and a kind act, there are always those that have to criticize, belittle and degrade the act or the person who performed the act? As an example, the large ferret rescue that I got Liberty from..........the gal that headed it up gave completely of herself and went into personal debt to rescue and disperse over 700 ferrets. Yes she got a lot in donations, but not enough. Now people are simply tearing her apart because they felt she did it wrong, they don't like her accounting of the funds and how they were dispersed, she didn't do this and she didn't do that.......... I don't get it at all............... if you have questions or suggestions then why not approach the person? Why do people attack someones character and integrity? God bless the people that commit random acts of kindness and tackle huge projects to better the lives of human and animals.

Quick Quips

Peter is not moving out. He decided it was more important to get a car that runs, versus the dead one that was sitting on the side yard. He sold the old, bought a new (to him) and now has a running car. Now he has something to get him around when it rains. Poor bike will start to feel neglected.

Was invited to a progressive dinner at Lowery Park Zoo this past weekend. It was pretty cool. Being Valentines that week, the lectures were on the animals, amore and sexual abilities and prowess. Very fascinating talks........dinner was pretty good too. Apps in Africa, salad with the Manatees, dinner in the Love hall and dessert in Australia. Got to check out some cool critters that were being carried around by caretakers. I had a lot of fun................

Work is still ok......... I get treated quite well

I took Angel to a Holistic vet...... traditional Western meds just were not helping her get better. Maybe natural meds will. So far she has not deteriorated...... skin is about the same, but her snotty nose seems to be clearing up. She also seems to me up and moving around a bit more. Her next appointment is not until the beginning of April so we shall see how she is by then with the meds she is on now.

My, my........... Feb has been a rainy month and with that thought, I can't believe that Feb is already soon to be over.

Been busy busy with little projects...... set to sewing hammies for Jackie’s shelter...she had taken in 11 rescues (ferrets) from one location and a few more from another home.
Hope to be starting some landscaping projects soon....make the house have some curb appeal before weather gets hot............. summer project, hopefully my bedroom, but no new carpet until the ferrets have their room back.....so making my bedroom nice will prolly have to wait until Peter moves out. *sigh*

Howling of a Cold, Windy Night

I lay in bed the other night, when the cold spell came through, and as I was snuggled into the blanket, I listened to the wind outside. It whined as it rounded the corner of the house. As I drifted off listening to the wind, I was taken back to my days of living in Ohio. We had lived just off Lake Erie for 6 years. Winters could be quite blustery. I remembered the way the winds would come off the lake, up the road and howl around my bedroom, which was a corner room. It could be loud, but I always found the sound comforting. Maybe it was the mixed sound of the wind with the clicking and tapping of the heaters. But the wind always meant really cold air that was crisp and clean. The morning would bring air that would nip at my cheeks and make the day smell clean and fresh. The wind would blow over the snow and make a lot of it smooth again, softening the edges of where footprints use to be. More than likely there would be a crunchy layer of ice that would sparkle and glitter in the morning sunlight. I loved those winter days. It seemed the winds of the night had blown away the dirt and troubles of life and brought a new day that was clean and fresh….. hope……. for a day that would be full of friends and laughter at school……………… Maybe the sound was comforting because I knew I lay in a cozy bed inside a very warm house. To this day I love the sound and often find myself playing that same sound on my sleep machine. When nights are chilly and a blanket required I switch from the ocean waves rain or babbling brook to the howling wind…………. a northern girl stuck in Florida