Saturday, December 27, 2008

Christmas Venting

In general, I'm not much of a Christmas / Holiday Season person. I really lost my enthusiasm for Christmas when Pete passed. I know...I hear you saying that is the past and get over it, well fact is, it was his childlike craze for Christmas that always helped me find mine. Together we were an unstoppable Christmas Duo...he in his Santa Clause hat and me with my candy cane on the back of my Rav 4. Truth being, we just bounced off each other......when he passed, it wasn't just the sadness over the loss of him, but there was no one to stoke me up.

And so in the 4 years he has been gone, I have come to realize how commercial the holidays are. Duh you say....well when you are brimming over with holiday cheer and feel Christmas in your heart, you don't see that. Its not what it ever was for me and Pete. And with that, I have felt obligated to buy presents, even when I really can't afford to. I feel disapproval when all I spend is $30.00 on someone.....I just don't think my family understands......then I get to feel like crap because its just a "small" gift and not appreciated. In truth I could be under estimating my younger brother......there was a time he could only buy $10.00 gifts. I understood and it never bothered me...I always considered the thought. My sister and I had a long conversation over lack of funds and buying presents but she still bought big. Then there is my older brother, he has a lot of debt, a wife who spends like crazy and they bought alot of gifts. Maybe the truth is we all feel the same but everyone is afraid to say something.....so we all just spend and charge away. Oh yes I hear the...."just put a little away each paycheck"..... that doesn't work out so well when you are living paycheck to paycheck. So needless to say, all the "obligated" gift giving just drags me down more.

What I can say is the time spent with the out of town family was nice. Sitting around talking, watching movies and playing family games was all very nice. To me that is what Christmas is all about. I could be happy buying gifts for nieces and nephews and then just sitting around with family creating more good memories. Maybe its just more folks need to realize that its the family that is important...not the gifts.

Oh well.... maybe I'll get some bills paid off this year and the cost of living will come down, then maybe, just maybe, those "obligated gifts " won't stress me out so much. This is one year I will be glad when the holidays are gone. I can always hope 2009 will be better.



Some of the things that made me feel crappy:

1) I could only spend $30.00 per person

2) I felt pressured into spending $100.00 for a refrigerator fund for my mother because the
other siblings were all doing it. I know my mother....I will be surprised if she buys one in the
next 12 months.

3) My mother and I were asked if we wanted to go a visit some folks who are second family. I
didn't go because they were going out to eat and I couldn't afford it. My mother said no
because she didn't want to spend the whole afternoon "out" nor did she want to eat out. At 2
PM I got a call from my mother. She said they decided to eat in because she (my mom) didn't
come since they had made plans to eat out, they were disappointed in not seeing her and
would she come if they ate in. Well of course she would! Alas tho, she can't drive right now, so she had no way to get there. Their response was ....well call Stephanie and ask her to bring
you. I took her, but hated being the tag along because I was the chauffeur. I used to be close to these people but over the years they have really made me feel second class.

4) I felt like a maid..... I had to clean my mothers kitchen before I could cook Christmas
dinner. I wouldn't have let my cats eat off her counters. Don't get me wrong. I love my
mother but her cleaning skills have really gone south since her stroke. I had thoroughly
cleaned it 6 months ago and had to do it again. (Note: The floors still need a heavy scrubbing)
And yes...I had to wash the dishes after dinner too.