Christmas

Ok so Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought it would be......................
The three day weekend was nice ......................
Seeing my two brothers was great.........................
and Christmas morning with a sleepy head BC was nice too.
So Christmas morning I was up before BC. Waaaaaaay before BC. Just a little before 10 AM he rolled outta bed and made his presence known. I handed him his cup of joe and like a little kid he wanted to get into his presents. We opened gifts and the ferrets ran amuck in the strewn paper and plastic bubble wrap. Each box was a new adventure for them. Steve seemed to like his new humidor and cigar accessories. I got my long awaited handmade glass necklace and some memory for the computer. I guess he got the hint everytime I cursed out the computer because it couldn't move any faster than molasses going uphill in the winter.
About noon we made it over to my mothers where Doug and Dwain were staying, my brothers and Peter and his Girlfriend came over as well. More gifts, conversation, tv and dinner at 5 followed by lots more conversation. It was nice catching up and BC saw that my family wasn't so bad. No ax murderers, psychopath, or lunatics. All in all it was a pleasant day and all the pressure of gift buying and party going was over......

Ah life back to normal........................

Latest and Greatest

So I spent the beginning of Thanksgiving week out on the beach at the Sirata with BC. It was a nice few days and while the weather itself was a bit chilly with the wind and all, the stay was great. We had an ocean view balcony which was protected from the wind and got the warmth of the afternoon sun. It made afternoon cocktails on the balcony very pleasant. We spent time walking on the beach, sitting on the balcony, sitting at the hotel bar and chatting with out of towners. It was a nice break from reality. We cam back to my house Thanksgiving morning and I spent the better part of the day cooking. My mother came over and of course Peter was there as well. It was a quiet holiday which was fine by me.

Which brings me to the rest of the holiday season.....so it is in full swing and I still don't know what to feel. The last two Christmas's were low in spirit and could have passed me by without me caring. I managed a tree last year, but that was mostly for Peter. This year my brothers will be in town and I will be forced to join in merriment. I guess I can root around and see if the Spirit of the Season is ready to envelop me or if it will still just be an effort to make it through. Maybe BC and I can find it together.

Business Of Life

Well its been a bit.......I have been so tied up with the errands and stuff that I just haven't posted for some time.

First off another ferret joined the household but seems to have trouble settling in. Quizzy (the newbie) and Tauvi seem to have a contest going over who is gonna be the alpha of the business (a group of ferrets) I think Quizzy is more than happy to be a subordinate but Tauvi being the street girl that she is, has to tell him everyday at least 5 times a day. So I currently keep them in separate caging areas and have to supervise all playtime. The squabbling seems to be lessening.....or am I just being optimistic.

I had a doctors visit and was prescribed a new med called lisinopril. I was told the side effects might be a dry cough. NOT! Upon reading the flyer and info on Web MD, I found that 1% of people will suffer fatigue, vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal pain, dizzy spells and headaches. The first day I took the meds I became so tired that I fell asleep on my bed at 6PM and didn't wake up until my alarm went off the next morning. Next day I took the meds I was not only tired but became extremely nauseous and suffered from pain in the abdomen, headaches, violent fluid explosions, and fever. Saturday I decided there was no way I was taking any more of it, but it takes 48 to 72 hours to clear out of your system. Saturday I was recovering and feeling much better by 6PM. I had just finished fixing dinner for myself, some soup and a grilled cheese sammich, when the doorbell rang. I eventually broke from the intruder and went to go eat. can of soup still in my hand and got so dizzy that I passed out. I awoke and estimated 2 minutes later, still dizzy, soup all over the carpet and sick as all hell. I went directly to bed with occasional trips to the bathroom. Sunday was much better, most of the drug was out of my system and other than some mild headaches and physical weakness was doing much better,. This was definitely a case of the side effects being worse than the problem. Doc better find another drug family that can ease the problem at hand.

Quick Quips

Went to the outdoor Florida orchestra concert this past Saturday and what beautiful weather we had. The afternoon was 84 and breezy so the picnic and people watching was great. The evening brought cooler temps and a wonderful selection of music, topped off with the usual fireworks finale.

Peter is feeling unsure about school. He wants to know how he is gonna be able to work and pay his bills and go to the fire academy. I reminded him that Pete worked and went to school and that if we get the school loan that will help also with daily living for him.

I brought Nissmo's ashes home today.

Work is going well......need more pay!

And lastly......................
Anyone else see the brawl between Miami and Florida International? Seems to me that there ought to be more than just one game suspensions. And even moreso has anyone looked at Miami' troubled past? Here are some highlights:
* Several Miami players fought with LSU players following the Tigers' Peach Bowl win.
*Shortly before the Miami-Louisville game Sept. 16, virtually the entire Hurricanes' roster jumped on the Cardinals logo at midfield, an act widely viewed as a taunting gesture.
* A Miami player, Willie Cooper, was shot outside his home shortly before training camp began in what players contend was a robbery attempt. Meriweather returned fire; so we got gun toten' hooligans to be polite.
* Wide receiver Ryan Moore, who was suspended for the Peach Bowl for violating team rules, then suspended again for other infractions, is expected to be charged this week with misdemeanors stemming from an August fight with a woman. What a man he must be!

What are these guys gonna be like when they hit the pros?

Nissmo

Rainbow Bridge 10/6/06
Nissmo Sleeping in his favorite place - the bath tub

Another heartbreak has hit my family of fuzzies. I take this one harder because he wasn't ill. I had a rug I was thinking of putting in the ferret room. I stood the rolled up on end in the corner of the room and left it. In the morning when I go to work I usually put the ferrets in their cage and head off to work, but Friday I didn't because they seemed to be full of a lot of extra energy. So I closed them in their room and went to work. I came home that evening and let them out but noticed Nissmo didn't come out to play. I figured that he had gone into one of his deep deep sleeps and would wake up later and come out. I decided to not put the carpet in the room and moved it out to the kitchen to get rid of. By 9PM there was still no Nissmo and I was getting worried, by 10 I was looking all over and even checking outside. I went to bed at 1 but was unable to sleep and lay awake most of the night. I got up at 5 and started looking again..... I walked into the kitchen and my eyes hit the rolled up carpet......my heart sank and I knew....I grabbed the carpet and started to unroll it ......there he was............ motionless. I grabbed him and he was cold................... I can't stop blaming myself. Nissmo was an excellent climber and I should have known he would see it as a mountain to conquer. I should have known the dangers of him wanting to investigate the center dark universe of that rolled up carpet.

Now Sir Woozle lies at my feet depressed. He and Nissmo (August Archive...scroll to the 12th) went through a lot and now I am responsible for him missing his bud. I will always remember Nissmo for his unique characteristics that made me laugh.

He could always be found sleeping in the tub.

He was a great climber and when I was looking for him, calling his name, his little head would pop outta some of the highest places in the house.

He wagged his tail when he got really excited about something.

He would escape from his cage or the room and come running up to me and have this expression on his face of "Hey! Look mom I got out!"

He sometimes looked at me with another expression of thanks for giving him a better home. It was almost like he was asking if he really was getting to live a happier life than what he had before.

It is the last that makes me cry the most.......... it was my fault Nissmo and I am sorry.

Older Model

I had an eye exam today. I knew my eye sight was getting worse but I guess I didn't realize HOW bad. So I got checked for glaucoma, cataracts and because of my high blood pressure they checked to be sure there was no bleeding in the back of the eye and no clots. Clean bill of health there. After the read this line and read that line routine she spoke the words BI-FOCALS! Ugh!
I never thought of myself as getting old but for some reason that word..............bi-focals , sent a reality through my poor soul and I heard the statement "
You ain't 30 honey!"
I looked around to see who said that and realized in came from within.
Oh give me a break....I'm not 80 either!
Oh yea well I saw you checkin out that 28 year old the other day and that is baby meat , girlie-o!
OH SHUT UP! I feel young.
Ya, well the creaks and blurry vision say otherwise. You ain't no sports car anymore
Ya well my old Mazda truck creaked and moaned but it still knew how to go off roadin'

Yah........That's me..........The hell with bein' the fancy shmancy sports car....They're high maintenance, and only good for lookin at. I am more like the well used SUV........I got my dents and dings, some worn parts, but I still know how to have fun, get dirty and play hard when the work is done.

Quick Quips

Yeah its been awhile. Not sure if its laziness or just being uninspired, but for anyone wanting to know what has been going on with me, here are some quick quips:

I have been out boating almost every weekend and my skin color is the tannest it has ever been. For my northern friends, gulf water temps are in the mid to high 80s and weather has still been a hot a humid 90.

I am so ready for the cooler weather.

Peters place was being tented so him and Jen were with me the past week. They tried very hard to pick up after themselves and were pleasant company to have for a week, but I am glad for having my house to myself again.

I am 1 day shy of 90 days at my new job and so far so good. Health benefits kick in October 1st and the first thing I am doing is getting my eyes checked. I am soooooooooo blind! Pay still barely gets me by, but so far I have managed to avoid getting a second job, that might be in part to mooching off of Beach Crawler on the weekends......see girls , BF can be of value....... XOXO :)

Beach Crawler has been super to me.

I haven't seen Fred in a bit and I guess I need to make a permanent week night to meet him at the watering hole to keep up with him......need to get George along too cause I have dearly missed both of them.

The ferrets are lovin the polecat parlour...... they still get put in the cage when I go to work but they love having the roam of the room during the night, and its great when guests are over cause they don't get stuck in their cage and suffer from lack of exercise.

I acquired a laser sailboat from my mother. Its been sadly neglected for a long, long time and needs a lot of work. The hull leaks and I hope we can fix that and make it seaworthy again. It will be so much fun sailing again.

Remembrance

Today I woke up and felt the depression sink over me...... it was 2 years ago today that Pete died. While I have been moving forward with my life there is a part of me that stays back, in the past, holding on. I miss him and I can't dismiss his existence. He is a part of me and he is a part of my son. I believe he watches over us. I miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss his friendship.

Fun -N- Sun

I was out at Anclotte Island yesterday, well another island a little ways from it anyway. During high tide the island is very small and almost non existent, during low tide it is a favorite hangout with boaters of every variety. Its really a group of three sandbars, but a small portion stays exposed, enough for some plants to grow. People go out there and hang out, meet other friends and by and large..... party. Its amazing the gadgets you can buy for boats........... grills, cutting boards and counters that all fit into the rod holes. We grilled on the boat and everyone then wades the food, tents, chairs and beverages onto the island where you just generally have a great time. People bring their dogs and everyone gets along. You can meet up with old friends or make new. Its a definite case of the more the merrier. By noon its a parking lot and nothing but boats anchored side by side by side. Once you "park" your boat ya gotta keep and eye on it. As the tide goes out you occasionally have to move the boat out. One side of the island you have to be really careful, if you don't move fast enough and check on your boat regularly, you may find your self getting beached between 2 sand bars and having to wait for the next high tide.........not a good idea, specially if the next doesn't come until 9PM.

A Little Something Nice to Say

As parents we often have a lot of gripes about our kids, they don't pick up after themselves, they waste electricity, they waste the water, they don't listen, they only think of themselves, they complain about doing chores, etc, etc, etc.
BUT
I must mention two things that my son did that showed me my efforts to teach him have not gone in vain........ that somewhere I did something right............he made me very proud.......

1) They day after Teeki died he called me to see how I was doing. (He later admitted that he took it hard as well and his GF had to console him.)

2) He came by my house and surprised me by taking my truck to the shop where he works and changing my oil, oil filter and air filter because he heard me mention the oil change was 1500 miles past due. Cost to me....... zero dollars.

Teeki

Rainbow Bridge

March 2001 - July 22 2006

Aghast with Horror, Sickened Beyond Belief

As posted on Bay News 9

The St. Petersburg Police Department is looking for a man who allegedly grabbed an 8-year-old girl early Wednesday afternoon.The girl's mother had brought her and her 7-year-old brother to play at Central Oaks Park. St. Petersburg Police spokesman Bill Proffit said the children's mother remembered she had left the stove on. She ran home and the children stayed to play. Almost immediately, the children noticed a stranger so they started home. "Before they could leave the park, the man came up from behind, grabbed her in a bear hug, pushed her down and got on her," Proffit said. The boy ran home to get his mother. Meanwhile, Aaron Chambliss, who was nearby, saw what was happening and rushed to help. "He saw me coming to her rescue and he proceeded to get up and run, but in a split second he changed his mind and jumped back on her before she could get up," Chambliss said. "And that's when I hit full sprint. I was going to catch him. I was going to do something about it." A female motorist also saw what was happening and honked her horn in an attempt to get the suspect off the girl."They saw and instantly perceived that a crime was being committed," Proffitt said. "There was no doubt in their minds and they took action immediately. The blaring of the horn and the running over here actually stopped the man from continuing what he was doing."

*****************************************************************************

No more innocent days for children................. they are long gone. I remember my mother getting fed up with our childish antics and would throw bagged lunches at me and my brother and tell us to get out and not to come home until dinner time. We would promptly go next door and gather up Kevin and Lisa and head out to wherever our feet took us. Sometimes it was deep into the woods and rock hills 2 miles down the road or it could be 2 miles the other direction to the pond. Adventures awaited and we were out to conquer the world. How sad is it that children can no longer know this sense of absolute freedom. No parents around and our imaginations free to run. No one telling you not to climb the cliff, don't swing on that branch, don't get wet, don't throw that, don't pick that up........... Those hours were the best! We were free to do as we pleased and to be what we wanted. The only thing that limited us, was ourselves. Childhood days were glorious.............. not a care in the world.

Why have we allowed sickos and pervs to steal this from our children. I can't even imagine raising a child in this day and age. When Peter was growing up, by 8 he was able to wander the neighborhood with his friends, 1 block over and 3 blocks down, if you went inside a friends house you called me to let me know. I had wished that my son could have experienced a neighborhood like mine....not the cement playgrounds we had come to live in. That was 11 years ago........ and he is a boy....... but even today boys are just as much at risk. Why can't we teach criminals that want to prey on our children that this won't be tolerated. Why can't we maim them, castrate them, brand them with a "P" or just kill them?

Why can't we take back what belongs to our children......... innocence, imagination, and fun, all with no cares, and no worries.

How sad that children can't experience childhood the way we did. It makes me cry.

Sounds of the Night

I have fond memories of visits to my grandparent in Massachusetts. Our visits were often for several days and one of my sweet memories of my grandfather was his snoring. My grandparents were in the room at the end of the hall, but his snoring could be heard 'round the world. Funny thing is I took comfort in the sound of his deep sleep sounds. They were enough to wake me, give me a sense of security, and lull me back to sleep. So when is it that this became the annoying racket that disturbed my rest and sent me to the couch to sleep? I can't say I truly remember. I remember my ex snoring and I hated it, but was that only once I came to loath him? Did I carry that then to my next relationship with Pete? I often woke up and gave him a gentle shove to roll over......sometimes he was so tired that he only immediately started again and I would, once again, move to the couch. I can't remember.................. I can't remember when it went from comfort to disdain......................... I do know that lately when a certain person falls into deep lala land, he too snores (tho he may deny it) and while it wakes me up, I find myself contently drifting back off to sleep.

Quick Quips

The rain has finally come to Florida and the afternoon weather pattern has settled in. No sooner have I finished mowing the lawn and its ready for another cut.

The ferrets are very happy with their room. My son has made the statement that it seems he couldn't move out fast enough for me. I replied that it wasn't so much him that I was anxiuos to have move out and disappear, as I was the shit hole he was living in. (Ew ew ew the sludge ate through gloves)

I have another stray cat that has adopted me. She shows up on the doorstep when she can't find enough to eat. She also has a crush on Snickers. Mittens, the old man still shows up too.

The house is quiet without Heidi. Sergei misses her. He spent 2 days looking for her and crying.

I hate the fact I didn't get to make my annual July trip to visit my dad in VA. I think he was more disappointed

I am beside myself that I can't visit Pete in August. Its really tearing me up. Maybe I should spend the money and make it a short, and quick weekend trip anyway.

A New Room

With my son out of the house I wanted to clean his toxic waste site of a room, ASAP. By Thursday I was donning the hazmat suit and digging around in the debris. In total I had nearly 2 full dumpsters (150 gallon size) of trash, and I do mean trash! It took me a total of 14 hours to go through all the garbage that littered the space. The room was last painted 6 years ago when I moved in. 3 walls were white and one wall and all the trim had been done in Detroit Redwings red, Peter was a redwings fan. Red and white rope lights now only half hung from the ceiling and the white paint was dingy, splotchy and full of holes from the two million pictures, posters and car parts that Peter had hung on the walls. I volunteered BC to help me paint.................... he even helped pick out the colors............. of course his motivation to help me get this room cleaned up was that I couldn't spend any weekends at his place until I had a room that the ferrets could be free in to run around and play in for 2 days. So we set to work. First we pulled down the sagging rope lights and peeled the glue off the ceiling. We primed and painted the walls and trim. Once the paint had dried we put shelves up in the room and put the futon and coffee table in place. We removed the door and since it was in such bad shape decided to cut it in half and finish the top with a shelf to give people something to lean on for ther viewing comfort. This took us all day Saturday and Sunday. On Monday, after the paint had time to cure and there was no longer that "new paint" smell, we moved the ferret's cage in the room. I brought in their litter boxes, auto feeder, auto watering dish and their gazillion toys and tunnels. Finishing touch was a sign above the door that reads "Polecat Parlour" Oh such happy ferrets I have! I still let them run the house while I am home and put them in the cage at night or while at work, but if guests come over or if I want to disappear for 2 days, they have a ferret friendly room to play in and get all their daily exercise and the room can double as a guest room should some need to stay a night....there is the futon and in the closet (doors are removed and curtains hung) you will find a tv, shelves, some drawers and a radio........who could ask for more?

Fireworks and a Happy 4th

Fireworks make me happy.
As a little girl I was always thrilled with them.
I find them beautiful and amazing to watch.
A little less than 12 years ago I met Claude. He is a unique individual. His personality is caring and loving with a touch of a dirty old man. He says what’s on his mind. He had been a fireman quite a while back and still volunteers time. He has the typical fireman trait…….he loves to play in fire.......... whether it be putting it out or creating it. So imagine a fireman with a pyrotechnics license. What’s this got to do with fireworks? I often get to be right there in the staging area when Claude is doing a show. Peter helps him set up and light up. Anyway, fireworks from the staging area is a different experience. They are directly overhead. and your best viewing position is to be flat on your back looking up to the sky. As the fireworks explode above you, they are larger and brighter. As they fall, it is like having shooting stars all around you or driving quickly through a star field. When the larger rockets are sent off you feel the percussion blow over you. It adds a different element to the viewing, not only do you have heightened sight and sound you now have add the sense of touch. You feel, see and hear the fireworks in a way that completely engulfs you and draws you in. What a way to watch them! Add in the patriotic music and it would bring a tear to any red blooded American.

Heidi

My son and his girlfriend are moving into a new apartment out on the beach. He has been staying with me while they wait for the current tenants to vacate. He has had with them their new kitten. She came into this house a very shy and scared little girl. She and he siblings were rescued from the hull of a boat and it has taken some time for her to warm up to humans. She fell in love with Sergei and has been his shadow since week two. She now sleeps in bed with me and will think nothing of cuddling up to me. She has come a long way and I will miss her when she moves out tomorrow to go with my son to their new digs. It has been wonderful watching her transformation from the shy kitten that coward under the bed and in the closet to the outgoing playful and mischievous thing she has become. Maybe she was the another reason for my unemployment...........

Employed

I am once again among the employed!

Here are some stats for you.

Fired May 19
Hired June 15
19 working days
93 resumes sent out
3 over the phone interviews
6 face to face interviews
Average pay being offered - $31,000.00 yearly
Unemployment pay - $275.00 a week (Yah can you believe that!)

What I felt was useless and unproductive. Depressed about not being able to find a job and worried about no income and all the things with it like losing the house etc....... I still need to eventually find a second job. The employment I took will pay the household bills but does not give me enough money for groceries, gas and play.

Lesson learned - Unemployment sucks and job hunting sucks more.........

Moving Along

I once stated that I couldn't imagine a long term or permanent relationship with anyone who wasn't also my best friend. I think many people end up married and never accomplish this. They may love one another, but they never develop that bond where they can talk to each other easily about everything. You know.....fears, hopes, dreams, emotions, feelings, what made me laugh today, the latest gossip, a stupid joke, a trivial event that occurred, I had this really random thought, etc...etc...etc. Nothing is too trite to mention and no topic is uncomfortable. I realize that this bond or type of friendship does not appear overnight. It is worked at and developed over many, many months and sometimes years.

Now why did I bring this up?

Last weekend I was over at BC's place. A home project has loomed overhead for several months at his place and on Saturday evening when asked what I wanted to do on Sunday, I said, " Let's attack the garage." Response back.......a happy and firm.....ok! So on Sunday morning...err... late morning we cleaned out the garage and organized it so that one sleek green beemer could now fit into the garage. The importance of this you ask? Well for the first time, other than cooking a meal, which also plays into all of this, we worked together on something that required team work and cooperation. During this time trivial conversation occurred as well as suggestions to each other, and in a way, constructive criticism on if one plan or organization was better than another. The interaction it takes to work together on something is different than the interaction people have over eating dinner, watching tv, driving, or being out on a date. I think you see each other in a different light. Soooooo with that in mind, for the first time since we started dating, I felt like we were well on our way to developing a friendship.

My Space

So what is the big deal about My Space? What has made it so popular to hang out on? I checked out my sons page and his GF's page and a the pages of a few of my adult friends. Quite frankly I don't see what is so "cool" about it. From what I see its a lot of fake plastic people and grown up wannabes.
Here is what I see:
1. Teenagers ( a lot of 13 and 14 year olds) trying to be hot and sexy and looking 21. Nothing like attracting the pervs
2. A bunch of teenagers trash talking each other.
3. Lots of woman displaying themselves like pieces of meat for sale.
4. Lots of men with really stupid lines trying to be macho.
5. Women putting their pictures on the pages of men they have never met and calling them a "friend"
Whats so cool about all that? I don't see the attraction. I'll just stick to the simple thoughts and ramblings.

Hangin' Out

I took my ass out to be with some adult company....... it was nice after having been so isolated the last week and a half. I met up with George and Fred and Fred's new squeeze and Fred’s mom. We had some B-day cake and proceeded to the ol' watering hole. Had some beverages, attempted to play some pool and had the much needed adult conversation and interaction. It was also nice hanging with Da Boys again. Something I haven't done in a while and greatly missed. I feel I have somewhat neglected these two long time friends in turn for another improvement in my life but need to learn how to mesh these two parts of my life together or to set aside some time for friends who have been with me through thick and thin. Loyalty is everything.

And speaking of the improvement in my life....
What a great weekend I had. Having been stressed all week over not having a job, it was great being preoccupied, so that not once, did I have an anxiety attack. BC had been traveling all week and so being the travel weary puppy that he was; we spent Saturday, Sunday and Monday, watching movies, vegging on the couch and cooking meals together. Such an enjoyable relaxing weekend.

Quick Quip

Just a quick
Happy Birthday
to Fred today................

Jobless

So here I sit a week into unemployment. It sucks. But I am trying to weigh which is worse, unemployment or the job I currently had. I am leaning towards my recent employment. After three days of hunting the web and newspapers and 45 resumes later I finally broke down and had the pity party I had been denying myself. I got shit faced and cried. The next day I awoke with a slight hangover and realized I had been in the same clothes for 4 days and hadn't showered. Ya, I know...ew, ew, ew. What I realize now was I should have just let myself wallow in self pity the first day and things might not have gotten so bad.
Well I had 2 over the phone interviews that were paying way to low. It would have taken 2 jobs to pay the bills. I had one face to face interview with round 2 tomorrow, and a job prospect elsewhere....maybe. Now if I can just get the anxiety attacks to stop............... I didn't have a single one over the weekend............... must be that I was being pre-occupied by someone :) *Sigh* Maybe this week will bring something better. I was told to try and enjoy some of my free time. Maybe this week I will................

Unhappy But Didn't See It coming

Bummer.........I got fired.

*sigh*

Well maybe I did................

Nit Picking - Its all in jest

Aoccdrnig to rseerach at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

PS: Hwo'd yuo lkie to run tihs by yuor sepll ckehcer?

I find this whole line of study quite interesting since spell checker in blogger is not that great and I have a certain reader who always wants to point out my misspelled words.
So now I say……..HA!

If you can’t read what I write because its misspelled then you might want to have talk with those Canadian teachers who didn’t learn ya right. :)

What do ya say ta that eh???

Major Monday Blahs

I hate Mondays......... mostly cause I have been having these really great weekends and then I have to go back to a job I hate. It really sucks spending 45+ hours a week someplace you hate. But today was even more depressing because today would have been Petes birthday........ one of those things that comes back to jab at you and remind you. And I hear those words bouncing off the walls that everyone saying to me........ your moving on with your life so look to the future and not the past, but I look at it this way......... I only have the past to look at to remember him. Its not that I don't want to move forward with my life, its that I don't want to forget this wonderful person. I want to remember his face, his voice, his infectous laugh, and the giving person that he was. We can move forward in our life.....but there are always parts of our heart that get left behind with those that we loved deeply. These are the pains that don't ever go away....... and maybe..... they are what tell us to love and live more fully.

Mortality Reminder

I thought several times these last few days why this lesson is repeated on me. I understand it very well. Maybe I am just meant to emphasize it to everyone else. Two things happened this week............
I went to a funeral
and
Pop had a heart attack and had triple by-pass.

Skip was diagnoised with cancer 3 months ago. It ravaged him quickly and we laid him to rest today. I looked at Mrs G and saw myself 20 months ago. During the service I cried for my loss as well as hers. Wounds may heal but the scars serve as reminders and at times leave us vulnerable like achy joints on rainy days.

Pop had his surgery last night. I went in to see him even tho I knew he would not know I had been there. I wanted to touch his hand and whisper in his ear that I loved him.

So many tubes...... so manny fluids.......... so many machines......... life is so fragile

He looks better today...... sans tubes

So with all of this fresh in my head I again tell everyone..... mend your fences..... and tell your friends and family that you love them...... don't put it off, tomorrow could be too late

A reminder from my lesson

Aging Rock Stars

So this past weekend BC and I went to Coachman Park in Clearwater to see some old bands and musicians. I was hoping to be there early( 2is) cause I wanted to see John Ford Coley and Terry Sylvester of The Hollies, but someone, eh hem, had to get some work in on a Saturday, but I mostly wanted to see Lou Gramm, lead singer from Foreigner. Poco was also playing and a band called PinMonkey, which turned out to be country-western. When we got there Pin Monkey was already playing and wasn't too bad but never hearing of them I didn't know any of their music. Poco was on next and they were great! By 8PM it was time for Lou Gramm and the audience was really stoked. We were all dying to hear the old Foreigner hits. So Lou Gramm was announced and everyone went crazy. He came out singing and I looked at BC with a scrunched up face.......is this a joke? BC was laughing. This couldn't be! The man on stage was only half way through Double Vision and he was huffing and puffing and what was worse, he was warbling! The music was playing Double Vision, but the words were almost inaudible and off key!My mouth was agape. I was hoping that I was just hearing wrong or that any moment the REAL Lou Gramm would come out. 4 songs later and the man on stage was so outta breath he could bearly talk. The next song was I've Been Waiting, when he started into one of my all time favorite songs and couldn't stay on key, I just couldn't take anymore. I looked at BC and asked if we could leave.......I think he was still too busy laughing and rolling on the ground.
So I have pondered this for a few days now and can still only say to myself, "How sad!" Here was a man who had an incredable voice and was trying to live off that reputation and those old glory days. It seems that he had some major health issues back in 97 or so. He was diagnoised with a brain tumor. He had surgery , and although the tumour was benign, it resulted in radiation therapy and a year of rehabilitation. So I imagine that somewhere this took a toll on the voice, but has he not realized that he no longer carries the wonderful voice that rocked so mant people years ago? Has no one told him? Does no one care that he is up in front of people making a sad pathetic soul of himself? Why would the public accept this? Do we applaude and cheer because of what he once was? Personally I find it sad when we have to live in the past to feel good about ourselves today. Life is ever changing and we need to learn to go with the flow. Deal with what has been put in your path and move on.

Nothing Like Kids to Bring You Down

My son's car needs to be fixed. He wants to spend 3K on a new engine. I told him to go see what he can get for a non collateral loan if I cosign. (I want him to establish some credit) He proceeds to whine that he doesn't want just to fix the car. He is tired of his friends getting everything and he gets nothing.
Earn it I say....save money.....
It only falls on deaf ears. He proceeds to whine about the fact he has so little compared to his friends. He wants me to get a better job.
I remind him he I 18.
Again...He says....I am tired of having nothing....... Its a shame he doesn't remember the days after I left an abusive marriage and snuck out with the truck, clothes, half his toys, 3 pieces of furniture and our lives.
I look around and I see a house that I have provided..... food in the fridge......clothes on his back....... a computer....a tv in his room...... a stereo in his room..... and a car that works most of the time.
I look around and I see a load of wealth.....
He sees nothing.
It breaks my heart.

Quick Quips and Ramblings

I went to the east coast with BC (last known as Mr X) last weekend and met up with with two close girl friends. What a blast. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun! Friday we were all up until 3 AM laughing away the whole evening and early morning. Saeurday was awesome as we went down to Sabasstians Inlet and watched the surfers from the pier and then sat on the rocks just soaking in the sun, breeze and sounds. That evening BC fixed a wonderful dinner for us girls.....mmmmmmmmmmm was it deeee-lish!

The rugrats not around much. He caught himself a new GF and she has her own place. I wonder how long that will last?

Work sucks more than ever.......top of my to "do list" .......GET A NEW JOB.....second on my "to do" list, GET A NEW JOB!!

I have been side tracked for 2 months now (pleasantly I will add) but I must start getting focused back on home projects.

Looking for the Exit Ramp

So I sit here and ponder my life lately and can't help but wonder if the man upstairs is getting a chuckle as I go through the dance steps of trying to live a happy life. Sound bitter, well maybe a little, after all I have lived some years of bliss where everything seemed so near perfect. Was I taking it all for granted? I don't think so.......I remember many prayers of thanks, many days of looking at what I had and thinking things were good and I finally had things right. My own home, a good man by my side, a job I loved and a son that was finding his way and turning into a productive adult. I was content. I was happy. Life was serene and good. I always wondered when the shoe would drop. Maybe thats why it did, because I was waiting for it........
So one day I wake up and see my job bought out by a corporate giant, and things slide down hill, lay offs are around every corner, no job security, then the little things hit.....the car gets wrecked, then medium things hit.....pets die, issues with the kid, and then the grande finale!..........Pete dies. Every thing just went to shit! For 18 months I sat in a big pile of shit! Shit everywhere I looked! As much as my friends tried, they couldn't help lift me out. This was something I had to do on my own.......so I did. I climbed over the loss of the pets, the car and got my son back on track.......I found a new job, which I liked and enjoyed........finally let go of Pete and let a new person in my life. So things should be back to bliss right? No.......once again the job has started to quickly go down hill and I can't help but wonder what is to follow......this road looks familiar and I need to get off it before anything else happens.
Scared?
Nervous?
Worried?
Paranoid?
Yes to all of the above. So if someone knows where the exit ramp is, please let me know I would gladly like to choose another route.......one that will take me back to the happy days.

Birthdays

Yes another one creeps up here in a few days and as usual I tell those that remember, to forget it. Its no big deal and just let it pass. But no.......most people then assume that I don't like birthdays because it means I am another year older. Truthfully though, this doesn't bother me, whats another year? I don't feel like I am getting old. I don't feel like I am getting nearer to a foot in the grave. In fact I don't have a problem revealling my age. What has given me a dislike for my birthday goes back to having my birthday forgotten and a lack of close ones being able to plan a birthday. When I was married for many years I didn't have a birthday. My ex could never remember it, so it just passed and I got used to it. In later and recent years people remember and ask whatcha wanna do for your birthday. The words I speak say" Its no big deal, let it pass" What I think in my head is " What..... I gotta plan it?"
If you truly want to do something for a friend or family members birthday, take the initiative and handle planning the details. I appreciate when someone comes to me and says they want to treat me out on my birthday and to just keep the night free. This is the way I have always handled it with my friends and believe they truly appreciate not haveing to plan what they want to do while another pays. Its called putting forth an effort to please a friend or family member. After all I just figure if I am asked to plan my birthday, next I will be asked to pay.

The Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything

While many will not understand this, those that truly knew Pete will.

Well I decided to go face my last ghost in my life with Pete. I went to the beach to watch a sunset. As I drove out I hoped to see one ofthe brilliant ones that Pete and I often saw together. If I was to say a final goodbye, then I wanted it to be spectacular. I arrived on the beach and sat on one of the benches that Pete and I had sat on so many times before. As the sun began to go down I noticed thick clouds on the horizon. There were no brilliant colors in the sky, no rays piercing through the clouds, only haze and occassional oranges. I felt disappointment flood over me. I felt abandoned was about to call it a loss when I saw a pattern in the clouds that reminded me of a fish........... or a dolphin maybe. The orange of the sunset colored the body of the fish and it captured my attention. I watched it slowly swim it's way across the sky. I sat there on the bench and started laughing hysterically, any passer by would have thought me a lunatic. The words that went through my head were: So long and thanks for all the fish!

Is It a Once In A Lifetime Thing?

Wow seems I have been a little busy with things. So…. Mr X and I have had 5 dates total now. He is a really nice guy and doesn't mind that I am still a little messed up in the head. What it all comes down to in my thoughts though, is that I wonder if in love you can find the real McCoy twice. I loved Pete unquestioning and unconditionally and our relationship was very unique to me. I trusted so completely. It seems everyone spends a lifetime looking for that one true love. The one person you will spend the rest of your life with. The one who will love you the way you in turn love them. If a person finds it once, loses it to death, can one be so lucky as to find that kind of love a second time? If not what is the point of looking? We would be settling for seconds on any future spouse we take. Or could love be what we make out of it, what we put in as an effort and in turn what our spouse puts into it. Maybe true love, the real McCoy, is two people so devoted to each other that neither lets up in the way they work at the relationship. Maybe its both people putting forth everything they have to make life good, to make their relationship strong. After all, nothing of true value is easily earned.

Little Thieves

Some have had the pleasure of meeting my liitle carpet sharks. They are sneaky little creatures that will steal at any given opportunity. I often warn my friends to keep their purses shut and not to leave keys or wallets laying on chairs or coffee tables. I usually clean out under my bed once a week from these little horders. It is their main hidey hole and collection drop off. I missed a week and here is what they collected in a two week period:
5 Magazines
1 Exedrine box
1 Anti acid box
1 Fly swatter
1 toohbrush pakage
1 empty razor package
1 Bible
1 Christmas decoration
1 Dorito bag
7 Rattley mice cat toys
1 kitchen timer
10 wine corks
1 shoe
3 flip flops
1 squeky toy
3 balls
1 battery pack
1 stuffed teady bear toy
1 curler
Several pieces of kibble
1 package of coffee filters 2 stress balls
1 rope toy 1 watch (missing for some time now) 1 lid to a Pringles can 1 sock 1/2 a cookie

Home Improvements

Well I spent all day today painting cabinets and putting on new hardware. I got the upper cabinets done but still have the bottom ones......guess that will wait until nect weekend. Then I will have before and after photos........

Overwhelmed

So today I went out on my first date since Pete passed.

He was very nice and very sweet and very much the gentlemen. He had business in Sarasota so we went down there while he took pictures of real estate( he is a property appraiser) and then we hit the restaurants and did some bar hopping in Longboat Key. What I thought was going to be a 5-hour day turned into 9. I had a really nice time, but I got home and once alone I cried. Going on this date was admitting to myself that Pete wasn't ever coming back. It was admitting that, that part of my life was gone and that, that part of my life was over. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to acknowledge. I hate they way I feel. I hate saying goodbye. I know that no one will ever take his place, but it hurts knowing that all I wanted will never be and that the person I saw myself growing old with won’t be sitting in the chair next to me in 30 years reminiscing over the silly little things in life. I want to move forward but I still find it painful to let go of the past. Love, interrupted, and stolen, does not pass quietly.

Blog Stalking

Blog Stalking

I thought I was being original, but have found others who have recently discovered the act as well.
I have seen two instances.

One just posts nasty grams on the same blog.

The other is a bit more agressive. She not only comments on his blog but goes to his usual reads and leaves comments there as well. Its kinda like a "here I am, all the same places as you"

Weird what people do to get attention...................

Burning Down the House (almost) and the Bank Account

Ouch!
What a weekend.
It started Thursday night and just continued on. The hot water heater was on its way out but I figured it would make it until Saturday when I had a new one coming. This proved wrong. Thursday night I noticed a dimming of the lights which is nothing unusual for this old neighborhood., but it did seem more tham usual. I stood at the sink washing dishes when there was a pop and sparks came flying out of the cabinet where the heater is kept. So much for the hot water heater lasting. I flipped the breaker for it and went about my business. The lights went out and then came on after a minute. This continued for quite a while so I called the electric company and they said they would be by in the morning.
Morning!!
I could have ashes by then!
I contemplated the situation and we flipped the breakers for everything but the fridge. In the morning I called and electrician. He showed up around 10AM and went to work. Progress Energy came out and replaced the arrial connction to the house it it was melted. Hmmm that sounds good. After 5 hours the electrician found a UPS system going bad which had started sending surges back through the electrical system and eventually burned out the breaker for that section of the house. He began his repairs and once completed we sat around for 30 minutes with all the house lights on….. not even a flicker. I was thrilled so I wrote a painful check and away he went. Night came and as I watched tv I noticed a dimming in the lights….. 45 minutes passed and nothing. OK it was my imagination and I was being parinoid, so I relaxed once again. Oooops, lights out. More like SHIT!!! So once again when we went to bed everything was turned off at the box except the fridge. I got up early on Saturday and tried the electrician. No answer , so I left a voice mail. After an hour there had been no call back so I called another that said they worked Saturdays at the regular rate. While I was waiting on him to arrive the plumber showed up to put in the heater. I had an uneasiness about him….he was dirty or odd looking, and no strange quirks, he just didn’t make me comfortable. Well he worked on getting the old one out and when he attempted to put the new one in it didn’t fit. Not a problem he says, I’ll just get a smaller one. So I went from a 40 gallon down to a 30 gallon. The second arrived and it did not fit either.
OK,….. DAMN!!!
So he took this one back out to his truck and says…….sorry there is nothing more I can do for you today and states he will have the office call me on Monday to set up an appointment for later next week.
HUH!!??
He says he capped off the pipes and with that leaves.
Now I am a little upset at this and go to rinse out a glass. As I turn on the water it comes spewing out from the suposidly capped pipes
NOW I WS REALLY MAD!
I called Home Depot installation and tried not to yell as it was not that poor persons fault. But let them know that I was not happy, was really pissed off and wanted to have them remove the charge from my card as I had no hot water heater at my house and nothing was installed. Home Depot, NEVER AGAIN! (A previous attempt with H.D.) At this point the new electrician showed up and he went to work on finding the trouble and I called a plumber that my mother usually used. He was kind enough to come out and properly take measurements and then capped off the lines correctly. He apologized that he could not get me a heater until Monday, but promised he would get prices and give me an estimate on Monday and if someone would be home, would install it that day as well.
Well that was certainly better than the next weekend. I thanked him and he left.
Then the electrician tells me he believes he has found the problem and that he can fix it easily.
Thank God!
It was the main breaker. While the first electrician had bee correct is his diagnosis, he did not find all of the bad parts. A newly installed main breaker and another check and I am fixed, well except for no hot water.
Electricians total???? $652.38 and I still have a hot water heater to buy and a plumber to pay.

Quick Quips and Rambling Thoughts

• This constant hot, cold hot, cold weather is giving me such bad sinus headaches. I wish mother nature would make up her mind. Here again its in the high 30’s to low 40s and by Thursday it will be back up to the 80s. Me head just wants to explode.

• This morning I was getting ready for work and as I made my breakfast, I noticed a concert of crunching sounds. I turned to look and there were all six ferrets with their heads in the food bowls eating kibble. I rather enjoyed the sound and sat down at a chair in the kitchen and joined in with my Kashi cereal.

• I wish I were musically inclined. I tried playing the flute in grade school and then tried the piano and guitar. I eventually realized that I just didn’t have the coordination to make both hands do two different things. I also found that I just couldn’t read music. I next tried singing. I found that it was best to contain that to my car when alone. What I don’t understand is my father played the violin and my mother the piano. (They never played professionally but was enjoyable to listen to.) My uncle on, my fathers side, has a music shop and recording studio and all his kids play an assortred amount of instruments very well. I wish they hadn’t horded all the musical genes. Maybe that’s why I so thouroughly enjoy listening, I appreciate it more because of my lack of ability.

• I finally decided on some colors for my ugly kitchen spruce up……no I gotta get the right mindset to do it.
  
  

Dislike Found

Now remember I work in an office of 4 people.

OK, so after 5 months on my job I tripped over my first speedbump at work and found something I don't like. I don't like the isolation that I feel has been forced upon me. I got in trouble at work today for sending out personal e-mails and receiving them. In my 5 months I am guilty of sending or recieving 128 personal e-mails. If you break that down, into groups of 2, because usually if you give, you get, and if you get, you give, you know, each e-mail sent or received elicits at least one response. So, I had 64 exchanges of information, at a maximum, in 5 months. For this, I got threatened to correct my ways, or miss my next evaluation raise. Nice........... no e-mail correspondence with non business personnel, no IMs with anyone, and limited personal calls to family members. While your at it just throw me into solitary confinement.

Love at First Sight

Today a discussion came up of love at first sight. The question set forth was, did you believe in it. My response was a strong "Yes!"

Peter was about 7. It was a Saturday morning and he was raring to go to his hockey skating lesson. So in the car and off to the rink we went. We got there and I helped Peter get his skates on and out to the ice. I took my usual place in the stands to watch. John, his skating coach was out there and so was a new coach. I stared at him and watched him almost the entire lesson. A girlish giddiness came over me and I couldn't help but laugh. I felt butterflies! This was just silliness, but it felt nice as I was at a point in my marriage where even the tought of my husbands touch made my skin crawl. After his lesson we always stayed for the public skate so Peter could practice what he had just learned. As I turned to walk out to the front desk I almost ran into this new coach.
"Um sorry, excuse me" (Damn I am such a dork)
He smailed and continued through the door to the outer lobby.
Peter and I got on the ice to skate and who else should come skating out? I stood still and once again, came the butterflies. All I could think was "don't fall, don't fall" And then he skated over to one of the 20ish girls, gave her a hug and a kiss, and disappointment spread throughout. I began to scold myself...."How silly is this!?" Here I am mooning over a guy I don't even know, he has a girlfriend and I am still married to an ass! What is wrong with me!
With that I turned back to my son and helped him through the things he had learned and encouraged him to keep trying when he messed up and fell. The next thing I knew there was a voice from behind. "Here, let me show you" and the new coach moved closer to Peter and demonstrated the manueuver he was trying to conquer. He spent about 3 minutes with Peter and then turned and introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Pete." I was glad it was cold in there because the pinkness in my cheeks could be blamed on the cool temperature in the rink. I looked in his face and knew I saw him in my future.

The butterflies hung around for a long, long time, and so did Pete.

18

So my child has turned 18.

There are days I never thought he would make it cause I wanted to strangle him.

But he has turned out pretty damn good.

Today he had a BBQ and had all his friends over. I, of course, had some adults over as well to keep me company and to provide a more stimulating conversaion other than car, cars, who is wearing what and shouldn't, cars, teachers, todays "music" artists and oh did I mention cars? On the menu was grilled chicken, pulled pork, beans, cole slaw, and baked potatoes, and of course cake. The weather was great and in the evening the fire pit was great for a little warmth and ambience. The kids (teenagers /almost aldults) chowed on the food, laughed and all seemed to have a great time. As I hibernate in my room, at 11PM, with kids still all aroound my house, I guess I would have to say it was a success. A very nice group of young adults. So I here I sit and contemplate they day Peter was born and how he has affected my life and how in my darkest days he was what gave me the strength to get up in the mornings. Mysweet little boy has turned into a wonderful young man.

?????????????????

Geeeeez, I must really have my head in the sand. I am driving down the street and maybe a little over a mile away, new condos and strip mall are being built. Its half completed and its the first time I have noticed it. I don't know if it is because I drive the same route to do shopping as I do to go to work or if its because I have been such a homebody and haven't gone anywhere on the weekends........wow wake up girlie!

First Day

Here he is on his first day.......errrr, evening of college classes on the 10th. I couldn't resist annoying him with first day of school pictures.

Quick Quips

• I was driving to work the other day and was sitting at a red light and noticed bulldozers taking down a building that used to be a popular bowling alley. Many a Saturday nights I was there playing Midnight Madness Glow Bowl. I almost always broke even or won a few bucks. Funny thing is, it's right next to a newly built strip mall located on the grounds of what was the hotest mall when I was in HS.
• My son chose to start playing hockey again with the Midget A's. He had quit because a jackass of a coach was coaching the Midget Double A squad. He has since decided he loves the game too much and would rather at a level below his skills than not at all, and maybe help a few otheres out along the way. I loved watching him play today.
• A week on South Beach. I haven't weighed myself but the waist of my jeans aren't so snug.
• Peter turns 18 on Friday. I can't believe I made it 18 years with out totally losing it! LOL He starts college tomorrow.

Battle of the Bulge

Well the holidays are over and the extra poundage has been put on. Now comes the task of taking it off. I guess I will go for the holiday weight and a little extra...... I will start with 20 and then an extra 10 after that.