Saturday, November 17, 2007

Baggage

Oh yes we all have it............................

Having more free time on my hands now I thought a lot about the baggage we bring into a relationship.

When I entered my last relationship, I knew what I was taking into it. BC was the first person I dated since Pete died. He knew it as well. I never compared the relationships and I never compared the people involved.

When I started to notice the relationship falling apart, I wondered if maybe I hadn't gotten over Pete, had I sabotaged the relationship with memories of him? When BC turned and walked away, I wondered this even more. What I realized, was I miss Pete, that will never change. He helped raise my son, he lived with me, he was my best friend. I always referred to Pete and Peter as my heart and soul, because each held half my heart and half my soul. And while my heart and soul still grieve his loss, it has not been wishing he were here to carry on where we left off. I do know, and have known that I must continue without him. I accepted this long ago.
What I can look back and see is that when the relationship with BC started going south, I longed for someone to be in my life who wanted to share my every moment. How could I not think back and think of Pete....but..... I also thought about Mel.... that first love..... you know the first person you ever fall in love with....... it dawned on me that when relationships start to fail we always look back at the ones that seemed the most perfect. So it would seem that sometimes our fond and heart felt memories can also be baggage. I don't necessarily see this as bad.... past relationships teach us lessons...... how to trust....... how to cooperate and compromise .......how to love.
When BC left, I did not immediately wish that Pete was back. (This truly told me I had moved on with life in the living world.) What I wished, was that if only BC could have gotten past his baggage and allowed me to be something important in his life. He was fun, he made me laugh, he brought me back from the depths of darkness that I had gotten lost in.

In the words of one so dear to me....... "And so it goes...................."

Sunday, November 04, 2007

The Wild Ride Called Life

Wow...where to begin this blog..........I guess with the ferret.

I have ferret #7. Her name is Liberty. She was not planned......... but by fate she is here. I had started working at getting DMK ferrets homes in Florida. I spent weeks soliciting ferret shelters. Some responded, some did not. In all 25 of the DMK ferrets came to Florida. Some were to come locally in St Pete or nearby Orlando. I said no to taking a ferret for quite a while. 10 went to Jacksonville and some of those I was to pick up and transport to Orlando and St Pete. When they arrived in Jacksonville I was still saying no...and then a friend in Gainesville who was also helping to transport and taking in 4 kept bugging me...oh you should have one after all the work you did...take one... come get her and if it doesn't work out I will take her back and keep her. I started to waver....................... but things with Jacksonville went back and forth for a few weeks and so I figured it was settled that I would not take a ferret........then pictures got posted........ I fell in love with one in particular...oh what a sweet face............ eventually Jacksonville would release the fuzzbutts and I told Toni to get one for me under the condition she would still keep it if I decided I couldn't..... she said she found a spunky little girl that would keep Parker busy and wear him down ( he is boundless energy) I went to Toni's in Gainesville and met the girls she had already brought to her house...including the one she picked out for me. We sat on the floor and damn if the baby she picked out for me wasn't the one in the picture. This ferret, with the temp name Gucci, ran up to me like she had known me all along. I was told to watch her because she had been nippy.... it was not a nip I received, it was kisses........... kisses!!! She placed her paw on my knee and dooked and danced for me.... she did this several times....... this was fate and there was no way I could not bring her home..... Quizzy and Parker had to accept her...they had to. After an hour and a half of playing with the ferrets we took off for Jacksonville to pick up 4 more ferrets. Toni was taking in 3 more and one was coming back to St Pete with me to live with someone else. I found out the gal in Orlando had made arrangements to pick up her ferrets another day........
So now I have ferret number 7 and fate followed to play out and Quizzy accepted her and Parker is warming up to her. (he is a sensitive boy and is a bit overwhelmed by her bouncy personality) So all ends well................................

Not necessarily

BC is pissed to the max. So much so a week later and he is still pissed. Feels deceived because I didn't tell him....thinks it was planned from the beginning..... he's never really liked the ferrets...... but this is my house and why should it effect him? His time here has been less and less and he has been spending more time with his first love..... work. Truth is...most of the time if a conversation turned to ferrets....he got this glassy look in his eyes and would yawn.... got to be I almost quit talking about the subject because ... well.... what was the point.... blanks stares... I might as well talk to the wall. Ferrets are an important part of my life. Something I know only another ferret owner understands. If you want proof go to FerretUniverse.com and go to the message board. Passion. It is what it is, a passion. These guys bring a lot of joy to my life. They love me unconditionally. They make me laugh and know when I am feeling gloomy. They are my kids..... I would never leave them, or my cats, if I had to evacuate for a hurricane. They WOULD come with me. They have been promised a forever home and I will not break that promise. Some of these fuzzies have been abused or thrown out on the street. #7, now named Liberty came from horrendous conditions (view my video a few posts back) I won't let them know anything but kindness and love.

So where does that leave me...... I am guessing on my own again......
I think ,while not the whole issue, but a big part of it, is the ferrets. He doesn't like them, but as I stated they are a big part of my life. He loves his work..... and I was complacent and didn't gripe and bitch when he spent more time working and less time with me. I did it once and was told it (work) will slow down soon. I, like a fool, believed. He said he would be here at 12, he showed up at 3, he would be here at 10 he showed up at 1. 2 and a half day weekends turned to 2, then 1 and a half and then to one. He wonders why I did not cheerily greet him. Why I didn't say something, I don't know. Maybe I was trying to be the understanding GF, maybe I didn't want to start a fight, maybe I just knew he was losing interest. He still wants to cool down.... and then talk. Question is, shouldn't your significant other have at least an interest or understanding in things you are passionate about? Shouldn't you feel free to talk about anything and everything? Shouldn't you be able to look past anger and see the truth? I do want my significant other to be my best friend but if I can't answer yes to all of the above questions, then maybe friends is all we can be....................................