Quick Thought

Today I reupholstered my antique rocker. A task I have wanted to start for some time but hesitated because I had never done more than seat covers. Well now that it is done, I am happy with the outcome. Two minor flaws, but nothing that detract from the rocker and flaws that, should I do this again, I have learned from. And isn't that what life itself is all about, finding something you haven't done and giving it a try, learning from the mistakes and feeling good at things we have a ccomplished? If we always live in our comfort zone, then we won't ever experience new things, regardless of the size of what we take on......

Game Instructions

Ok, I went to a Christmas Party last night and everyone had to bring a silly or cutesy gift. I am sure many of you have played this, where numbers are drawn and the first person chooses and opens a gift and shows it to everyone. Person # 2 has the choice of taking person #1 gift or opening a new one. If your gift gets taken you then have the choice of taking someone elses or choosing a new one, etc, etc , etc. Well I managed to snag a shot glass checkers set. When I got home my son wanted to play a game with me. We played, but with just beer. Now some of you may think me a horrible parent playing a drinking game with my almost 17 year old son, but I find allowing him to have alcohol when he is around me, has taken the mystery away and he doesn't find the need to go and and get drunk with a crowd of friends. But the point of this story is about the game instructions. It is simple, it is a regular game of checkers, but when you jump your opponent you drink the glasses of liquor and whn you are kinged you drink the shot as well. What my son and I laughed about was where it said on the box - 2 players, age 8 thru adult.

And the game was equivillent to a beer a piece.......can you imagine playing with hard liquor?

Quiet vs Quiet

As the temperatures dropped last night I was contemplating the winters when I lived up North. Suddenly there was a boom and the house went dark. I got up and looked outside and saw the other houses were just as black. I proceeded to light the candles that were on the buffet table and the others that sat around the room. In my house there is an ample supply of decorative candles. Peter came out of his room with a book and sat near the buffet so he could read by candle light. I called the electric company and collected the ferrets and put them in their cage, as the living room was staying warm due to all the candles, while the temp in the rest of the house was slowly falling. I proceeded to "pick up" around the house to keep myself busy. I started to notice the quiet that was in the house. I sat down on the couch and listened. The antique clock was ticking away in its usual rhythm, and I noticed how loud it seemed. I listened further and could hear the wind outside the house. I even heard the one of the cats across the room as it let out a content sigh. This, was quiet. This, was peaceful. About that time the electric came on and the silence was replaced with the whirring of the computers, the hum of the fridge, and the whoosh as the heat came on. Funny how I once considered this quiet.................

Animal Tales

Snickers.
Snickers is one of my four cats. A strange little fellow he is. He is 5 and a half months old and the most affectionate cat I have ever met, especially for a kitten. A frisky, playful, run around kitten who will stop in his tracks to cuddle up in your lap or on your chest. And he doesn't just snuggle, he buries himself into you and then contently purrs. But he is a strange one. He loves to go for car rides. I came home from work the other day and as I opened the door to my truck he hops in and sits in the seat next to me. He glances over as if to say "Well??" Needless to say, I could not say no, and I closed my door, started up the truck and took him for a ride around the neighborhood. He had a ball. He jumped up and layed in the middle of the dash and watched as things went by. Then he would hop down and run froma back window to back window. He just couldn't get enough of the passing scenery. When I pulled back into the driveway he looked at me, meowed and hopped out as I opened the door.

Teeki
She is one of my ferrets. She was very attatched to Pete. She would play and play and play and when it was time to crash, as ferrets do when they tucker out from all their playing, she would seek out Pete and lay her head on his foot. He would pick her up and lay her in his arms and pet her non stop. She would lay their for hours until Pete would finally put her in one of the hammocks in her cage. Well anyway, today I was looking for a sweat jacket to take to work with me and pulled one of Petes from the hanging luggage cover. I layed it on the floor next to my purse and Teeki smelled it and I think she about lost her fuzzy little head. She kept sniffing the jacket and then ran into each room looking and searching. She would stop and turn her head in every direction then dart to another corner of the room and stop and again look. She did this to every room and when she didn't find Pete she came back to the jacket and buried herself in it. To say I felt bad for her, would be an understatement.

Full Audience

I went to Walmart (Super) to do my usual weekend shopping. I was puttzing through the store looking at electronics, clothes, kitty toys and made it through most of the food and was thinking how pleasant everyone was being to each other. And mind you, it is not always an easy task at this Walmart. I always make sure I am in the right frame of mind before I ever venture there on a Saturday or a Sunday. It is packed to the hilt and if I feel even the slightest of the grumps in my mood I dont go. Its busy to the point that if you look for a close parking spot, it will take at least 10 to 15 minutes. You might as well park out in the BFE parking lot and walk in. It takes less time, and be sure to pick up a cart on the way in. There always those people who will leave their cart in the middle of the aisle so no one can get by or the have it diagonal accross the way while they look at the shelves. There are also the speed shoppers that think they are driving a car on the highway and zig zag in and out of everyone and will cut you off so that they can get into the cross aisle first. Of course to top it off, all the holiday shoppers are there as well. So any way............. I am in the frozen aisle and rounding the corner to produce and the deli when this unbelievable high pitched yelling breaks out. As I glance over in the direction of the ranting I am suprised to find it all coming out of this well dressed, well manicured, proffesional looking woman. She was cursing enough to make a sailor blush. Mothers were grabbing their children and abandoning the area. I picked out my head of lettuce and then I heard a thud. I looked back over at the raving lunatic and she was trying to grab the poor girl on the other side of the deli counter. I was debating on weither or not to get my sandwich meats today.......this woman was pretty wild. About that time she turned to the father next to her and began to yell at him to "bring it on." He started to back up and as the crowed gathered the store security was arriving on scene. A female security guard stepped in between her and the gentleman.........the woman just kept it up. I picked my other produce and slowly made my way over to the "number" giver and pulled my tab out. # 60.........hoped this wouldn't take too long. 10 minutes and the yeller wasn't slowing down..... She was going on about how all the employees in the deli were rude and slow. She was # 52 and they passed her up and helped the other customers. And how dare the girl tell her that they had called her # out and no one answered. And how dare she tell her that she will help her as soon as she was done with the gentleman she was helping. She should have stopped and helped her immediately.......blah blah blah blah blah.........she only shops there because her husband tells her she has to, and she spends hundreds of dollars there every week....blah blah blah.......man she wouldn't stop. I kept thinking how rediculous she was sounding and the only person being rude was her. Her cursing wasn't getting her any sympathy and the rest of the customers were telling the other managers that no one was discourteous to her. Did she think her ranting was gonna get her anywhere? I can only hope that she went home and realized what and ass she made of herself. If you know a place is busy at a certain time, and you don't want the hassle....then why go?.................................. What? What was that??? Sixty one??

Whats the Deal

Have you ever had a friend, aquantince, or coworker, that as soon as they approach you, you can feel that they are ill at ease? I do and I wonder what it is about myself that intimidates or makes them uncomfortable. I guess I could ask, but that might make it worse. I almost find humor in it at times. As he makes his rounds to check up and socialize with our work group, he always passes by my cubicle quickly and just blurts out a "hey" in his haste. He is gone before I can reply. It takes nothing for him to get involved in personal conversation with others but conversations go awkwardly when talking to me.....I have to prod to get information. Hmmm maybe he is just being a professional and holding in a dislike. Wow!! Thats a thought.... me being disliked?? Well there was they guy in the bar that called me a bitch, and there was a coworker who insisted I was incompetent and we argued all the time. Oh and then there is Jack, who made it a point to tell me I didn't know squat about hockey because I was a woman and he fought me on every thing I wanted to do in the organization. I guess that would be a sense of dislike as well. OK........ before I get paranoid......this doesn't feel that way. Its just like he is uncomfortable......kinda like those awkward silences you get on a first date sometimes. I do remember having been in that position once myself. Although to this day I can't figure out why I was uncomfortable around this particular person. Matter of fact I am most at ease around them today. I still try to analyze what it was that made me feel the way I did. Can it be that we sometimes try too hard to make a relationship (of any kind) work that we become afraid of making an ass out of ourselves or afraid we will say something stupid? Could be, but shouldn't we be allowed to be ourselves around our friends? After all our friends, or at least our true friends, accept us for all aspects of our personality. So the question put forth is: do I try to resolve it or just let it go on?

Wanderings of the Mind

Many thoughts.........pretty much all over the place today.

First off I am glad that Thanksgiving is over. The Holidays are proving a tough thing to deal with this year. Thanks giving morning was spent trying to keep myself composed, before going to my mothers. My brother kept trying to talk me into spending Christmas in the Carolinas. If Thanksgiving was hard, I can't imagine Christmas and New Years. Christmas lights are being put up and they are depressing me more and more. A New Year is coming up and it will be Peteless. I hope friends will understand the lack of cards, presents and holiday cheer this year.

I have always been a "Get Over It" person, and for the first time I can't. Physical barriers and "consistant" barriers are easy to deal with. You can make a plan and go for it. Emotional issues are sooooo much harder. While they are always there, sometimes they hide in the background and other days they just jump out and slap you down. Somedays I wish there was a switch I could just turn off until it all went away. 3 months and counting and I still don't have a grip on it.

There was an accident on the way to work today. A car was not paying attention and went under a truck that was making its "wide turn" One of those thiings that you see coming but have no way to stop. You hold your breath and say a quick prayer that the person ends up ok. Be alert to whats around you. Your loved ones don't want to be without you.

My son was being pleasant this morning. Something teenagers aren't normally with their parents. I love when I see that part of him. It gives me hope that he will get his act together and be a produtive citizen.

Can I tell ya how much I love my furry, four legged, children. The cats have been over affectionate and the ferrets have been more entertaining and playful than usual. Must be the cool weather that has set in.........they bring a smile to my heart and soul.

Another "Ethics Training" class to take......"Respect in the Work Place" Bwaaaahahahahaha!!! We will see what thoughts that brings out in me.....may be a blog entry in itself.

Oh well..................until later..........

Greed

Greed seems to be in abundance lately. Hmmmmmmmmm I thought this was the season of good will and giving.

Two bitches at work, and they are bitches for their shitty attitude about child support, are raking their ex over the coals. In scenario one, bitch #1 has a very well paying job, she collects an ample amount of money from her ex husband for her 2 children and then she collects another generous amount from and ex boyfriend whom she had her third child with. Between these 2 collections, she makes approximately what I bring home in a month. Throw on top of this what she makes here at work, and she is sitting pretty. But it’s not enough and she wants to take the ex boyfriend to court for more money. Bitch # 2 also has a well paying job here and has been collecting child support from her ex husband. He has willingly given her more than what is court ordered and one of the munchkins is not his. He has now lost his job and is currently unemployed and she is pissed because he is not giving her the "extra" amount. She wants to take him to court to get more than what she has been getting. She can't see the reality that she will probably lose money because he is not working. What kills me about this is that both dads are stand up guys. I know both sides in both cases. The dads are not dead beat dads. They pay their money, they spend quality time with the kids, and you hear the pride they have in their children when they talk about them. I can't figure out what makes women so bitchy that they have to do this to men who are being responsible for their children. I wonder if there is a shared reason for such bitterness, or if there is just a bitch gene that is in female DNA. Recessive in some and dominant in others. These 2 will go to such lengths to make the fathers miserable. These are the type of women I usually reserve the unspeakable "C" word for.
See, I am on the other end of the spectrum from them.

I think they should be grateful that the children have responsible fathers.
I think they should be happy that these men comply with what the court has set for an amount.
I think they should be happy that these men love their children.
I think they should be friggin grateful that they see any money at all from these men!

See, my son has a dead beat dad. A man who decided his son wasn't worth seeing. A man who never asks how his son is. A man who purposely, in the beginning, wouldn’t work, so he didn't have to pay child support. I have never seen a dime from him to support his son. And what is the killer is unlike the listed men above.......he didn't have some huge court ordered amount. $250.00 a month was all he was made to fork over each month. The effort and cost to pursue getting the money was out weighing what it would bring in. So at times I did without the basics, so that my son always had clothes on his back, food in his stomach and a roof over his head. Don't think I am not bitter about this..........our trials make us strong...........they help us grow in knowledge and character. Let them go back and see how others have to do without and how their "bitchiness" is nothing but greed and laziness. I would just like these women to recognize that they should be thankful, because for every one mother out there getting their child support there are 2 others that aren't.

******************************
My other story of greed was hearing about the gentleman that was hit by a car, when after a Bucs game he fell in front of a car when he went to pick up a soda he had dropped. Coke was handing out free cans of the C2 product. Apparently people were taking more than one can to try. It seems that a lot were taking more than they could carry and the streets were littered with unopened soda cans that people had dropped. Was he trying to pick up one of the many cans he was carrying, or was he just intoxicated and couldn't keep a hold on the can or his balance? Don't get me wrong, I am not saying a person’s death is justified by greed..... but maybe the women referenced above should take note

Couples

I resented them tonight.

I resented all couples tonight.

Maybe it was one too many or maybe it was just being vulnerable, but I resented couples tonight. I resented their closeness, their touchy feely, their whispered secrets. I remembered what I had, and I remembered what I missed. I remembere what I have lost. I hate being alone. I hate being without him.

Beauty

Well a good friend of mine commented on real beauty and asked his readers what we thought it was. (http://fhcjr.blogspot.com/) But comments only allow for 1000 characters, so I brought it over to my blog.

Unfortunately the media portrays anorexic twigs as beautiful, and people being people, follow along, both males and females. Females find the need to strive to look like super models at the risk of their health and men perpetuate it with their oogling and superficial comments. So many people don't want to take an indepth look at a person who is "flawed" in looks. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying all men are like that nor are all women. But, me, not being of the "beautiful" crowd can tell you stories.
Looking through a womens catalog for plus sizes, I noticed how the models were no larger than a size 10. If I were a size 16 to 28 woman, why would I want to see what the clothes, I want to buy, look like on a size 10 or smaller person? I called several companies that did this and ya know what I was told??? No one wants to see a woman that large!!!! Needless to say I boycotted those stores. Also, why is it that when I am on line minding my own bussiness, a man will IM me and start a conversation. No more than a minute into any of these conversations I get asked for a picture. I tell them I don't have one so they proceed to ask what I look like and the second I mention being over weight......bam!! the conversation ends. Funny thing is I don't tell them if its 10 lbs or 100.
It seems that no one wants to take the time to get to know me as a person because of weight. Quite frankly, I think I am a beautiful person. I am loyal to my friends, I give to the community, I am kind, I am forgiving, and have a wealth of love to give to a person who will see me for what I am.
Now I will agree about properly clothing yourself. I would never wear anything skin tight or skimpy. But I think the clothing you chose is out of respect for yourself. Dressing yourself appropriate for your body type and age is a must. It relfects how you feel about yourself. A large woman can make herself look drop dead gorgeous with the right clothing. Its all a matter of taking the inner beauty and conveying it on the outside. The thing is, can the media stop pushing "Barbie Dolls" as the ideal figure. I doubt it. But maybe people could start being less superficial and concentrate on what the soul and spirit brings vs what they eyes see.
I would much rather go out with a man who treats me well, respects me, and values me than some macho built guy with a great tan and perfect hair and teeth. Now I'm no saint. Eye candy is nice to look at, but if the ego is as big as the biceps and there is no one home upstairs, it ain't lasting past a one night stand. But I have to ask........ why is it that when I was 212lbs, no one would approach me, but now with the lbs that I have lost, they do? The only difference in me is weight. My personality hasn't changed any. My beliefs haven't changed, nor has my sense of humor or morals. (And by the way, the weight loss is being done for myself and my health)
True beauty is what is inside. Physical attractiveness is nice, but as we age, looks will fade. That is unless you can afford plastic surgery until you step into your grave. So what would you rather be looking at in your spouse when you are 80?? An empty shell of a person who can't hold a conversation or give a damn about you, or someone who still loves you and can still talk about anything regardless of how trival it may be.

The End of a Chapter

So it has come..............
I release a heavy sigh as I move on........ a nine year chapter of my life has ended. I spent the last week and a half closing up Petes house, getting rid of his car, and selling his belongings. Now I am left with the items I chose to keep and those that need to be mailed out to close friends.

Maybe things will be a little easier now.

Maybe I can concentrate on learning how to actually deal with the pain and not just dull it in alcohol.

This is certainly not the way I ever expected this chapter to end. I always figured Pete's character would make appearances throughout this story and maybe have a bigger role in future parts. Guess it's not to be, and goes to prove that real life can have just as many unexpected twists as turns as any well written book. But what does the main character do without a best friend, or side kick? Makes the rest of the story look a little boring...........and lonely.

Poignant

my immortal

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much, that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

Fights and Battles

I mentioned to a close friend that I was cleaning out my sons room because after 2 months of nagging I got no results and bugs were starting to come from it. My frends response was, take away the car keys and tell him he ain't going no where until it is done. I pondered this and realized that that would have been my normal path to take, so why wasn't I doing it? Now I am not looking for any sympathy here, but I think its because I am just too tired to fight anymore. The battles have been on going since April. One stressful event after another. I think my coping abilities are barely hanging on andI know the nerves are frazzled almost beyond the point of repair. It certainly doesn't take much to send me into a fit of tears. My house is still in disrepair from tha last hurricane and I barely seem to find time to sleep....... that is, when my mind allows me to sleep. Most of the time the only way I can sleep through a night is to have one too many....not really a good plan. But back to the battles............................right now I just rather not take on more than I can handle, I'm still feelinng a little overwhelmed. Another fight, no matter how small, is one more too many. Maybe next year I can lower the white flag.....................

No, Its learning to live with it.

An aquaintance said to me the other day, "You look much better. You must be getting over Pete's death." My response was, "No not really, just coping better."

And this started me to thinking...............................

Do we "get over" the death of a loved one?? I don't think we do. I believe we just learn to cope with the void that has been created. If we got over it, I don't think we would ever miss that person again, or cry at the loss, or find ourselves picking up the phone to have a conversation, only to realize we can't do it. All my grandparents have passed on and I find I miss them to different degrees. One of my grandfathers passed away when I was rather young. I miss him at
times, but not as much as I miss my other grandfather. He lived to be almost 100. He was around longer and had more influence over me. I miss his conversations, his knowledge, and his grumpy attitude that was just a facade. To me, as each person in your life passes, it leaves a wound on the human spirit, a wound that is big or small depending on the influence they had in your life. Wounds heal........and leave scars. We recover from the wound, but there is a constant reminder left in its place, that reminds us of the pain we felt and what we have lost. These emtional scars change us, just as a physical scars would. Sometimes they even remind us they are still there with a jab of pain or discomfort. Pete's death...........hurt a lot........it will leave a large scar............. No, I won't get over it, but I will learn to live with the void, and I will try to prepare myself for those days in the future when the scar will throb and be a reminder to what once was.

Is This All There Is?

I spent all of Friday and Saturday and half of Sunday cleaning out and packing up Petes house. I spent a considerable amount of time sorting through personal papers and small objects and photos collected over the span of his 35 years on this earth. As I went through these things, I sorted them out into piles......things that evoked my memories, things that I can't imagine anyone wanting, (for lack of any forseeable purpose) and things that might mean something to other friends and family, and things that could be sold. I ended up with 7 trash bags of the "I can't imagine anyone wanting" catagory. I found this depressing........ very depressing. I tried to imagine what significance these items may of had to Pete. I mostly came up blank. Would he be looking down at me for throwing out things that he treasured, simply because I did not know the value they had to him? And I thought ....... "What would someone think going through the items I have collected through the years?" How much of my "stuff" would get thrown out??

Is this all our lives turn into? Junk to be thrown out after we pass?

I know that my memories of him are representative of what his life was, but these things that mean something to us as an individual, are those now lost memories ............. ones that only live in one person, ones that will die with that one person? Maybe I just feel depressed about not understanding....... maybe I missed knowing a part of his personality or character. ............. maybe I don't like to think that our lives are brought down to such trivial things.

A NOBODY

Me and Pete

Wow.....I am officially a nobody. I knew Pete for 9 years and dated him for 8. We lived together for the past 4 years. I know him better than anyone, and I believe that to be an honest and true statement. I know his secrets, his childhood stories, his dreams and hopes, and I know the life he shared with me. Yet in his death, I have become a nobody. No one wants to talk to me because we never sealed the deal and got married. They rather talk to his mom in PA whom he saw 4 weeks out of an entire year, because she is blood. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, but wouldn't you rather know the facts, than get a guesstamit. It doesn't matter that I know what the mortgage payment is, or the car payment, or what his credit card balances were. It doesn't matter that I have the passwords to all the accounts and know the balance of the bank accounts. I can not be spoken to because I am not a blood relative and we did not make our lives together "legal". Isn't that ironic.....to know everything there is to know about another, but yet your are nothing in the eyes of the law because of a piece of paper.

I guess that piece of paper knows everything.

Why

OK so I have been out drinking......................but why is it that the more I try to forget, the more I remember??

Truly Meaning What You Say

Isn't it strange how when a tradgedy happens to you so many people want to come out and help you. They make the general offer of, "If you need anything just let me know." .............Have you ever tested that? In recent weeeks I have. Its funny how suddenly a person gets very busy or clarifies what they meant. Suddenly there are limitations to "if you need anything"? Well in truth I expected that. It seems that people have nothing else to say to you and that is just the generic line to spew out. So why say it if you don't mean it? Why do we feel obligated to offer help to someone who is in a bad situation or has suffered a loss if we know we can't do anything? Would'nt it just be better to say nothing? To me, it says a lot about a persons character, when they put out an offer that they can't deliver on.........kinda like writing a check you know will bounce. It makes people suspicous and wonder, if they cash the check, will it be returned insufficient funds? Isn't that what an empty offer is? Try saying something like. "Sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you" or if an illness, "Wow this is such a tradgedy, I hope you recover soon."

Simply...........Don't offer what you can't give.

Belief and Faith

We grow up being taught that there is a heaven and a hell. We hope that we live a good enough life to go to heaven. We are also taught that we will meet up with those that we love when it is our turn to cross over. If you read books about the after life we find that our loved ones are waiting for us on the other side to show us the way. John Edwards talks to those that have passed. I was raised with these beliefs and never questioned that it was any other way. I have lost friends and relatives and often have found myself talking to one or the other at times. So why do I now question these beliefs? Is it because someone, so close to me, has passed on? Or is it that I am not doubting what I was taught, but that I want them to hold true more than ever?
And on another note, when we go to heaven....do we go looking like we are at the time of our death, or do we get to choose to be our younger selves. Could it be that we are simply that whispy spirit but we can recognize others just from their prescence?

Coming Together

I was thinking back on how meeting Pete, lead me to meeting other people. It seems that when a new person comes in to our lives they bring along others that we don't think about....friends and associated in tow, if you will. Often these relationships are short lived and these folks eventually disappear out of our lives . I met several through Pete whom over the years I have talked to on numerous occasions, often to gang up on him and endlessly tease him.It was only through his funeral that I finally met them face to face. It was an instant connection and I fell in love with his friends from the past. The gift of gab was natural and it was as if his past had met the present and tied us all together. I hope between the exchanged stories they felt the same. It's as if I now knew his entire life from child hood to adult hood, and I got to know his 2 closest long time friends. He brought us together and in keeping in touch, we keep him alive, and through continuing our relationship he continues to live on. I am sure he is smiling down upon us....... and so it goes.........

Hero

Hero

May 15th 1969 to August 26th 2004

Often times people are lucky enough to meet their soul mate, their other half, their knight in shining armour. I was blessed enough to find my hero. I met him in a time of my life where critical decisions had to be made. It was often his support and words that got me through. I found in him, a rock for strength and a place to rest when weary. He gave my son self esteem and self confidence when he had none. He was always coming to my rescue.......locked out of the car, locked out of the house, a broken AC, electrical work, help with building things and playing chauffer to my son and his friends, always being there for me. He was my hero when he took on the job of firefighter. I was never so proud. And he was my hero when he promised everything would be ok after Hurricane Charley. He was my boyfriend, and formost, my best friend, a best friend as it was truly meant to be. For the time I got to spend with him I am truly grateful, 9 years of knowing him and 8 years of being his girlfriend, sharing our lives, thoughts, and hopes for the future. My life shall truly be a sadder one without him. Watch over me, Pete, and continue to be my hero.

Express

Isn't it funny how you just assume that close friends and family will be around as long as you are? We just think that a child, friend or spouse will be with us while we grow old. In doing this we forget to tell them we love them and care about them. We get into arguments and think nothing of slamming the door as we go off to work or school, with the last words we spoke being harsh. We let small things fester inside us until we are annoyed with each other all the time or we just let relationships fall apart because they are too hard to maintain. Don't let this happen. Turn to the folks you love and care about and let them know. Maintain the friendships that mean so much to you and don't let arguments leave you saying mean things to each other before you part your seperate ways for the day. Thank God my last face to face actions with Pete were good memories. Hurricane Charley had forced me to evacuate, as my home is in a low level area, I stayed at his new home of a month and a half. That friday as I tried to drift off to sleep he held me close and promised me everything would be ok, and that should my house be destroyed, we would salvage what we could and I and my son would move back in with him.....sharing his house this time. Well we got lucky and the storm hit south, so on Sunday he came and helped me take down the boards and clean the house.........when all was over I gave him a big hug and told him I appreciated his help. He gave me a quick kiss and said "anytime, you know that"........................ That was the last face to face........we talked several times on the phone and through IM, but 11 days later he would be gone. While the last time seeing him was good and the words we spoke on the phone and through IM were good. I only wish I had spoken those words.........I love you. We never say this enough to our family and almost would never say it to a close friend, but we need to, because tomorrow comes and tomorrow could briing a tragic loss. So to my dearest friends who have been supporting me these last 2 weeks...thanks........and I love you for being there, and Pete, if you can hear me or read my words....I love you.

Athens

Watching the Olympics is always a favorite of mine, but watching the summer Olympics this summer is impressive, just because of the wonderful sites in the background. I was watching the cycling the other day and occasionally there were glimpses of the Acropolis and the Parthenon. How cool is that! To be competing in the land where the Olympics originated, has got to be awesome. I wonder if the athletes look at those sites and think what an honor it must be to represent their country in the founding land? It would be awe inspiring to me. But then again if I had any talent that had taken me to any Olympics, I would be honored. I often had dreams of being an equestrian rider in the Olympics, but my parents never saw this as a seriously as I did. And so they never encouraged me or backed me and as a result I went no where with it other than personal enjoyment. I guess that is why I try to give my son every opportunity I can in his hockey endeavors, but I always leave the choices to him.

It seems to me that the Olympics should be reserved for those with the real talent, love of the sport, and desire to be good at what they can do. I wish they would go back to having nothing but amateurs. The US basketball team really tees me off. Those guys shouldn't be there. Since when does a person with a criminal past belong there? Criminal pasts of violence and racial riots. These guys are nothing but self-absorbed. Did someone say they want to be paid to play in the Olympics......oh please. I hope they fall flat on their faces, and so far they have. Basics and the love of the sport always prove stronger than showmanship and egos.
Oh well I have slid into a rant and my point was to comment on the awesome background setting of the Olympics and the spirit that goes with it.

Charley

Hurricanes are a pain in the arse, but what worries me is the complacency of people to leave. They have become so accustomed to the storms moving off at last minute to make landfall elsewhere or the storms don't pack the punch to do more than blow around the lawn furniture and some low land flooding. Here was a cat 4 hurricane coming straight for us and while I boarded up my windows, brought in every loose item in my yard, put tie downs on my sheds and prepared heavily, my neighbors did little but bring in the childrens toys. They even told me the were staying. Well my house is only 9 feet above sea level and the EOC was predicting 10 feet storm surge. Do the math. I said a prayer as I left my house, with rugrat, 4 cats, 4 ferrets, and 4 boxes of valuables in tow. We headed in land about 35 miles. We had a mandatory evac and still folks stayed. Fortunately for me and other residence of Tampa Bay, Charley headed inland to the south of us, to the misfortune of Fort Myers and Punta Gorde. So the lackadazical attitude will continue more in this area. I look at the destruction to my neighbors south of me and think..."It could have been me." My house could have been flooded or destroyed and I feel lucky that I was spared. And when the next storm comes, I will do the same, because I value my life, my sons life and my critters life more than I do my home and whats in it. Inconvenience can save your life. I can only hope that my neighbors think the same of their children.

Lost

Do you ever go through periods in your life where you just feel lost? Can't quite make out why. Maybe its all the changes that have gone on lately and I don't feel grounded in any one place. Peter is hardly home since he got freedom by way of car, boyfriend moved out, traveling on business, and upon my return assigned to a new and very unfamiliar job. I watched friends leave work to not return, and my long term, comfortable friend of a car was totaled out and I am learning the quirks of a new vehicle. Not that these changes are bad, well, for the most part aren't bad, but little, seems to lend that feeling of security.

ARRRGH!

When Peter first started playing hockey at the age of 8, I loved to watch him on the ice as he fumbled around to learn the game. It was fun watching the young inexperienced players. They tripped and fell, wobbled on their skates and always had that look of excitment in their eyes. I remeber that it was easy to get him up for a 5AM practice. As soon as I said "Peter , it's time to get up for hockey." he was out of bed faster than anyone could imagine, but try getting him up for school and that was another story. He spent so many hours on public ice practicing his balance, moves, and coordination. As he grew older and progressed with his abilities I was amazed and how being on the ice was so natural and easy for him. I watched him during practice and would marvel at how far he could take an edge. He loves the sport and I love watching him play. When his team is losing I forget about the game and just watch how he skates and how he plays the game. But I am not looking forward to this year.......it seems it has only taken one major jackass to take even the simplest of my pleasures away from this sport. A jackass with an ego, who inflates it by undermining others and talking poorly about them behind their back. A jackass, that makes my kid not want to play hockey, because said jackass announces himself as the coach after promising the position to another. Having been a past VP for a 2 year stint, hockey 101 coordinator, scheduler, and done many othe duties, it saddens me to watch a program I helped build, fall apart due to a person who wears the title of Youth Hockey Director. It was always for the kids and nothing else. He has so drained me over the last year with fights and arguments that I have contemplated getting a second job so I could let Peter play for a another league. But alas, Mr Director is such an idiot that losing his registrar and finance coordinator is not a concern. I really want to go back and enjoy watching the boys play and not have this other crap mar it.
What to do??
Hey bartender pour another one.

Back Home

Well I got home from Tulsa late Wed night......The rest of the stay up there was nothing exciting. Saturday I went out 2 steppin with by co worker. He's a little bit country and as I listen to everything thought it would be fun. He actually took me out on the dance floor and taught me the basic boot scoot. LOL. I was the one steppin all over toes, but I almost had it down. Monday and Tuesday were spent answering questions on the programs we just taught the folks in Tulsa. Wed was spent flying back. Whats really sad is when I arrived back at work on Thursday, Tulsa was calling and asking the same damn questions we answered at least 50 times while we were there. Friday they did the same, and whats worse is Friday was our let go date here in Tampa. Duh you guys better catch on real soon. I could only feel that Barry and I did nothing but waste our time being there in OK. for a week. I guess we were just talking to the vast open plains that make up the area. In regards to work......I was picked up by the migrations dept, so that means employment for maybe another 8 months. What it really means is some serious job hunting before the borrowed time runs out.

Tulsa

Well hidee ho!! Sittin' in Tulsa this fine morning and ya know what.....B-O-R-I-N-G!!! Here on business and trying to get info for the night life out of the locals was near impossible. I flew into Tulsa to help conduct a training class on the programs Intermedia uses, so that MCI folks can take our jobs on Monday. Anyway.......I figured I would try to entertain myself so my coworker and I kept asking everyone where to go for some fun. Finally the director of the department suggested a place called the Voodoo Room. It was located in downtown Tulsa.....now let me tell you, downtown Tulsa ain't got shit. They roll up the sidewalk at 5PM and thats it. The Voodoo romm is located in an area of town that is trying to rejuvinated so it is just a little seedy. But the Voodoo Room was way cool. You pay a $5.00 cover charge and you get access to 3 bars in this one place. One room plays R&R, another is jazz or kareoke and the third is a piano bar with 2 guys that get obnoxious and a bit raunchy at times. But can they play the piano!! So that is where we spent Friday night. People watching, laughing and dancing. While in the piano bar we even made a request of "Take this Job and Shove It" and dedicated it to MCI for our layoff in a week. The piano player obliged us by inserting MCI's name several times. And gee I got whistled at, approched by a drunk that wanted to take me home and a stripper (female) that wanted to get me to come to her club to give me a lap dance. *snicker* but she wanted my male co worker to pay for it. *snicker* We have found some really great places for food. Charlestons had great steaks, Mexico Lindos was some awesome/authentic  Mexican food  and we stopped off at a BBQ place that was pretty damn good as well.
 
MCI has req that we be in attendance at a class today, so we sit here in case questions arise. A little hard to be here after getting in at 4AM. LOL but thanks goodness this group has got a sense of humor. MCI has also req that we put in a 12 hour day on Monday and Tuesday. Yipee!!! How exciting! OK ,OK it is overtime.

Tulsa itself is hot, but no, or little humidity, so it is easy to take. The 105 "feels like" is not that bad. But enough for now. Got a Harley shop to check out and a pool hall to find.

TTFN

Pin in my pocket.

   I deal with people all day long. People of all ages. What is it that makes some people think they are better or more superior than everyone else. Where do their egos come from? Whay suprises me even more is when it is teenagers with the egos. Maybe life hasn't slapped them hard enough to give them a reality check. I hear alot of this talk amoungst the hockey players in the youth organization in which I am involved. I listen to their statements of self importance. "I am the team", "I am not playing unless so-and-so coaches." I hear this in the adults I deal with as well. Over the last few years I have dealt with coaches that just think they will be the next Herb Brooks. At work I deal with a group of techs that think they are the most capable people in the field. Sadly, they are highly lacking in basic knowledge. So what is it that makes them think they are the cats meow? Maybe next time I walk by I should just pull out a pin and pop the swelled up head. Wouldn't that be a riot as all the hot air escapes. Some might even fly about like balloons released in childs play.

Vacation

Well the suposed vacation is over. It wasn't much of a stress free escape from reality trip. But I did manage to squeeze in some fun and enjoyment. Now I am at home dealing with all the clean ups of the disasters. AC is semi fixed. It had a clogged line which in turn caused the coils to ice over and trip the fuse. The platform it had been built on was press board, so as the ice melted the platform started falling apart and the unit started to be in danger of falling 3 feet to the floor. But it is now cleaned out and on a new platform and working, Still need to have an AC tech come out and check it all out. Should have a new vehicle today thanks to Les.......and now just need to make arrangements to get the bird to the vet as he seems really ill and one of the cats seems to have an eye infection. Sheesh....does it never end??

Strike Three??

OK, so before I went on this vacation for some R&R, I let my son take my car out, his wasn't running, to have a last visit with his girlfriend before we left. So what did he do??? Ran a stop light and wrecked the car. Now this is 10:00PM on the night before we are to take the road trip. So.... I get the car towed to the shop and make arrangements for a rental. OK cost of vacation just went up. I take the vacation anyway. Now I,m in VA and have been informed that the car is totaled. YEA!! And I am supposed to be relaxing on this trip. So much for getting away from stress. I just finished consolidating all my bills to make life easier. Now I have to figure out a way to get a new car with out car payments. Oh and that is one that will last.
SO:
Strike One - Job layoff with last day as July 30th
Strike Two - Car wrecked, totaled and no way to make car payments.
Strike Three.............I sure hope it hits soon so I can have a nervous breakdown.

Gatoring

Definition: Gatoring - Taking a small John Deere 6 wheeled tractor, called a Gator, for an adventure in the woods.

Keeping in mind I am still in VA, Peter and I went gatoring today. My dads property is in the middle of nowhere and is located on a vast estate known as Garrets Farm. The Garrets still on the farm, but sold off two parcels of the land on the river front. In order to get back to my dads, you have to drive a private road that cuts through the farm. The farm itself is an old tobacco and hay farm. So anyway, Preston Garret is kind enough to let us roam on his vast property while we are visiting. We took the trial that follows the gas companies pipeline and then cut off onto a side trial. We ventured down the trial that was overgrown due to all they rain they have had here. Often we had to duck trees and thorns from the blackberry bushes that grow wild in this area. It miandered for about three miles and we came to a small creek that runs down from a pond higher up in the hills and feeds down to the James River. It was here we got stuck, Couldn't get the blasted Gator to get back up the hill. Peter and I just looked at each other as my fathers last words "Don't get stuck somewhere and make me have to come pull you out." went through both our heads. I looked at my son and said...1st I am not walking back, I am in shorts and I will no doubt get poison ivy, and 2nd, I am not telling grampy we are stuck." So we set to getting the gator "unstuck" First I pushed while Peter put it into reverse and hit the gas. No luck. So we switched places an tried again. Still no luck. Peter gave me that look of, "we better get grampy." No!" was all that came out of my mouth. We both laughed. I thought about this logically and said to Peter that there is more power in forward than reverse and if we could get it turned around then we could get it in 4 wheel drive as well and probably get back up the hill. We cleared a small area so that we could at least turn the gator around on the hillside. It took us about 5 minutes to get it turned around between all the trees and brush, but we did finally manage. Peter got in and on the count of three I pushed and he hit the gas, Eureka!!! it moaned and groaned its way back up the hill, occasionally sliding back, but getting a grip and heading further up the trail. We were both relieved. This was a high five occasion. We hiked a little in the area and did some exploring. Eventually we decided it was time to get back to the homestead, so we climbed back up the hill to the gator and headed on in. The rest of the drive back was easy. Peter and I giggled and laughed the whole way back. Once we arrived I was greated by my father. " I was wondering where you two were. I thought I was gonna have to come looking for you, because you had probably gotten stuck some where." I just looked at him with a sly smile and said , "What? Come on, we just lost track of time."

The 4th

I am up in VA for a little R&R. Man is it great up up here. Cool days, well at least compared to FL, and low humidity. For the 4th we went to the local park here in Lynchburg to see the fireworks. While they are not the spectacular site that I have become used to being in the bigger cities, they were awesome in their own way. Ya see this area of VA is rich in Civil War history. Every antique store you enter has items that have been found around these hills. Battles and skirmishes were fought all over this area. So when I sat on the hillside, watching the fireworks, I noticed the way they echoed and reverberated on the hillside. It was amazing and I couldn't help but think that this must have been the way a battle sounded. Cannons firing at the enemy. Heard for miles and miles, warning everyone to stay away. I closed my eyes and could see the blue and gray soldiers fighting in the woods and the larger battle going on in an open field nearby. I could almost hear the voices. Officers shouting orders, horses whinnying, soldiers screaming in pain as they were wounded. Do the ghosts of these soldiers still wander the area and do the fireworks remind them of a time gone by??

This is a gem!

OK. I just got my 30 day notice today. I took it quite well. I figure that as much as this place has sucked lately, and that fact I am embarrassed to tell people where I work, that being laid off just isn't that bad. Now if you read the previous post you know I had to take an ethics class. 2 we have had to do so far. I work in a dept that gives kid gloves handling to accounts that are high profile and have special contract agreements. One of those accounts is State of Georgia. They are my baby and I do my damnedest to be sure things get fixed in a timely manner and that they get all the info they need on ongoing repairs. That alone is laughable because since the actual repair work was taken from us and sent to Cary NC, nothing gets done in a resonable time. If they have a line go down, we are, by contractual agreement, supposed to have them up and working in 4 hours or we have to start paying them a % of their cost back, depending on the length of outage. It averages Cary 2 hours just to pick up the trouble ticket. So, anyway, I walked into my mgrs office to ask when we were gonna give the State of Georgia folks a heads up about what is coming. I was told we were not. See SOG is up for a contract renewal in 2 weeks......in four weeks they will not get the service the get now. They will be just another face in the crowd, treated just as rudely and curtly as everyone else. They complain now becasue they don't feel Cary meets their criteria in dealing with their needs....how are they gonna feel when their initial phone calls are met as just another call in to report trouble. No more concern because issues aren't fixed, no more concerns that we put pressure on the repair group to do their job......just another ticket to open and pass on. No ownership for anything. And they will be really pissed when they find they get this lack of service 2 weeks after signing on the dotted line. (or maybe they won't sign in the first place)

And all this after craming another ethics training class down our throats.

Hello, ethics hotline.................

Ethics Training??

Are you one of those folks that loves or at least "likes" your job?? Wish I were. Today I found my self staring at one of the company banners. In particular I was staring at the logo. MCI. And I couldn't help starting to feel a sense of loathing and distaste. Bernie Ebbers and his cohorts stole, cooked books and made enormous loans to themselves and the worker bees get to suffer for it. We just recently watched 7500 more employees get the boot and we felt it both emotionally and in the work load. Alcoholics Anonymous membership should be starting to increase real soon. Work load cases have doubled for most of us, and I don't mean from 5 cases to 10 but from 20 cases to 40............ so much for customer service. And the new CEO, Michael Capellas, nice salary dude! How many employees could be retained with that? Anyway, we, the entire company of worker bees, received an e-mail telling us we need some more ethics training. We already had one last year about not stealing company supplies and not putting ourselves into situations that would comprmise our morals. Funny thing is this company hasn't given me any office suplies in almost 4 years. Pens, notebooks, tape, staples, and occasionally even batteries for the headsets have come out of employees pockets. Hmm kinda sounds like teachers in the public school system........ and as for my morals, well I sometimes wonder if they are already comprimised by working here. But back to the ramble, now, they want us to take yet another class. This one on ethics in financial reporting. BWAHAHAHAHAHA, now please!! I certainly didn't cook those books! Of course I could report financially that they won't continue to survive if they take away any more people who service the customer. Maybe I could report the financial laughability of my paycheck for the mounds of work they now pile on me........ Maybe somewhere there is a connection between repairing frame relay circuits and telling Wall Street that we are sitting pretty on a mountain of dough.........and I just don't see it. No .....I really don't think there is a connection. So as usual, the little man does the time for the big guys that do the crime.........

Why don't I find another job??? Have you been in the job market lately??? Despite what the news reports.....well paying jobs are not the jobs that are opening up.

16, Have Ride, Will Drive

Well it seems Mom's Taxi Service has been put into semi retirement. Peter is armed with a liscense and a car. I remember back when I got mine. The excitment and new found freedom. I could now go visit my friends without my mother taking me there and any reason to drive was good, even if it was just to get milk at the grocery store or to pick up some mopeds that needed repairs. I was cool. I was in the car alone and I had the road. Moving from Florida to N.J. was even better because you had to be 16 in N.J. to get your learners permit. Here I was at 16 and driving......my friends were envious and thought it was cool to hang with me. I haven't lost my love of driving. Long road trips are great. I love just cruising the country side........windows down and the wind just blowing my hair into a frazzled mess. Its the way to go. Darn.....now that road trip in July, to VA, will have to be shared with my 16 year old. I also now see the other side. The freedom gained by my parents when I no longer requested rides from them. Its amazing how much time is freed up when you don't have to chauffer someone around. Suddenly you can stay at the local hang out a little longer. Sleep in a little later because you don't have to take someone to work in the morning. Ahhhhh life just got a little easier.

Life

I was asked about my motto yesterday. The one on the left side of my blog.

Don't sweat the small things. There is too much more going on out there.

I didn't learn this in life until I was about 34 or 35. Up 'til then everything was of major importance and could cause a crisis. Fighting your way out of an abusive relationship and dealing with its aftermath, makes the over flowing garbage a very trivial thing. I have learned that life is something to enjoy and if your not happy on the path your walking down, then turn and go in a new direction. I want to enjoy my friends. I want to know my friends. I want to like what I am doing. It's understood that I will probably never travel the world, or party with royalty, but the things I do can still be fulfilling, and entertaining. I can still let people know I am here.

But its not just that. There are larger issuses, a friend with cancer, a fence to mend with a family member, a missing child. These are the things that deserve our attention. Who cares if the dishes sit another hour. If I worry, I want to worry over something that is worth my time. I don't want to be wasting time wondering if the trash went out to the street, or did the lawn get mowed today. Yes these are things that need to be done, but if soemthing more important comes along, or something fun to do with a friend, well these things can get shoved aside for the time being. Enjoy life.

I don't plan arriving at my final destination in a nice neat package, pristine and undamaged. I'm gonna arrive screeching sideways, oil leaking and hollering Geronimo!!!!

Whodda Thunk It?

Champions!! 

WOW!!! Can you believe we did it!! We beat those Canadian boys even though, whats that you said?? Its your God given right to win the cup!!! Talk about HAPPY!! HAPPY!! HAPPY!! Man we lived through some pretty depressing seasons, but now, WE ARE ON THE TOP!Woooohooooo! I gotta tell ya.....my stomach has been in my throat since the beginning of game 6. Today was worse. I had that constant churning in the pit of your stomach, the stuff that makes you queazy and uncomfortable. I wanted this win and I wanted it bad. Who says that the fans don't live the dreams of the athletes? Fans want it just as bad. They want it for their boys, they want it for their city and community. Hockey moms want it, to know all that money hasn't been wasted and that Florida can make it in the sport.
I watched the game from the local wing house and what a crowd we had rockin in there. Fred I am soooooooooo jealous that you got to see the game up front and personal like, but George and I still had an awesome time. We did find a better Mama Ciarlo. Tall and pretty. Couldn't catch her name though....tried once or twice but wasn't able. But back to the game..............awesome baby, just awsome. Havta git on down to the stores for some new car flags, mugs and other good stuff. A day in history with memories of the whole series and two of the best friends I spent them with.

Off to dream heaven tonight............

One of the guys, or me, being accepted for me?

One Of the Guys 

Is it just one of the guys, or me, being accepted for me?

I have my girlie friends where I can go out and check out the guys, go shopping, or talk about the girl stuff. We hug, laugh and whisper secrets and this is great, but I also have the guy friends I hang out with and that is a different beast. They talk about girls and body parts, ask my opinion on the female side of things, talk sports, and in general......... are guys. They don't lose site of who and what they are because a "female" is present. I like this. It gives me an opportunity to see both sides of the coin. After all it seems the war between men and women is always there. You know the whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing. I get a totally different insite into who and what people are. I learned long ago to accept people as they are. See their good and bad and accept them for both. Don't try to change them, don't try to fix them. What they are is what makes them unique. So...since I get to hang with George and Fred and they aren't inhibited by my presence, does that mean I am one of the guys?, or do they just accept me for who I am? or is it all just really the same thing? It could be that we are just all adults and have learned that no one needs to impress the other and no self egos to bolster..... too much heavy thinking here....... how about another round of beer and wings.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRED!!!

.

Memorial Day

The cost of freedom is buried in the ground. Take a moment to remember.

Day of Recognition
I was in Washington D.C. visiting a college friend during the winter of 80 something. I was there visiting him just after Christmas. He was busy doing his daily work routine, so I had time to kill. I thought that it would be appropriate to go and see the monuments and various other sights since I was majoring in American History. I had never been to D.C. before.
He and I walked his route to work together and when we got to the Blue Cross Blue Shield Building we went our separate ways. It was a bit chilly outside, but I didn’t mind. The brisk air felt good and the walking would do me good. I stopped first at the Washington Monument.I was uninspired. My second stop was the reflection pond. I sat there for a moment and thought how beautiful it must be during the spring when the trees were in bloom. From there I proceeded to the Lincoln Monument. I remember looking up at this marvelous sculpture and standing in front of it in awe. I could almost feel the thoughts that were held in those eyes. The quiet that surrounded the monument was eerie. This impressed me. I thought of his life and the unfulfilled dreams he had, just like so many other assassinated leaders. The Jefferson Memorial was next. I was fascinated by the architecture and all the hidden elements and symbols. I think I stood and talked to the guide for almost an hour about the different ideas that ran through the design.
My biggest surprise was yet to come. I was heading for the government buildings and then planned on hitting the Smithsonian. I remember that The Wall had had its’ grand celebration this past summer. I figured I would go there next, after all there had been such a big hubbub over it from the very beginning. People had questioned the purpose of all the names and commented on the ugliness of the black stone so sharply cutting into the earth. The controversy alone made me want to see it.
As I walked up upon the “open field” that lay before the massive black wall, I stopped and froze. The view shocked my senses and stopped me dead. I stood there, almost unable to breath. I scanned the shiny black wall from one end to the other. Slowly it seemed I was able to regain the use of my muscles and I walked ever so slowly toward the wall. The names became clearer. The wall grew larger. The silence was deafening. I looked along the bottom of the wall and saw the articles that people had left for their friends and loved ones. It was moving to see others lives lying before me. I started to read some of the names. Who was I looking for? I didn’t know anyone personally that had fought in the war other than my father. He was still alive. I felt tears well up and I began to cry.
I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, sympathy? Pain? Lost love? I didn’t know. I reached out and touched the wall. It was cold, yet I felt comfort by that action. My mind drifted off to an earlier time. I remembered saying good bye to my father as he went off to fight in the Vietnam War. I remember the kind, gentle, and loving father he was before he left for the war. I remembered how things changed when he returned.
The changes came slowly. It seemed to start with the amount of time he spent with us kids. He seemed to become more and more preoccupied with chores and projects around the house. He did build us our first color t.v. He also worked on other electronic gadgets that he categorized as his toys. We would ask him to go and do things with us and the time he used to have to play with us seemed to be diminishing. But then, maybe we were getting older and more into our neighborhood friends. His patience and tolerance for our typical childhood antics seemed to be the next to go. He put up less and less with the sibling spats and the pettiness that children show. He also seemed grow more and more irritated with my mother.
Life in general seemed to become tougher for us kids, more so for me. He seemed to have a special anger just for me. The once gentle and kind father became violent and abusive. The endearments he used to call me were gone. Now I was a slut, liar, trash, and someone God never should have wasted something as precious as life on. The physical abuse never got to the point of broken bones, but I dreaded it just the same. The hurt and pain carried on for many years. The mental abuse was the worst. Bruises heal quickly; emotions can last a lifetime. I died somewhere in my childhood, and for the first time I realized it.
I began to understand what I was feeling, while standing in front of that wall. I was looking for my name and the names of countless other children who may have suffered the same fate. My father may not have died in that war, but indirectly both he and I did, my father from PTSD, and I from the loss of innocence and the emptiness of a soul. Here I was facing the fact that I was a living corpse from the war. What was I to do and how was I to heal? I knew I had a long road ahead of me. I had a child to find and a spirit to revive. The Wall that so many people had argued about and fought over had become my healing stone.

More like Ranting of the Insane

Well I guess this would be more a ranting than anything else, but ya know I feel like I am so close to just exploding.

STRESSED OUT!

Does it ever seem that people around you just don't get that you are an indivdual, with a life, and that your time is just as important as theirs? But then again I am a mother and I should never expect my child to think that my time is anythiing but his. My boss, although a really nice person, will think nothing of asking me to do something on my lunch hour for her. And the other members that live in this house.....well lets just say, they both think I am a personal maid. I went on strike once. After a week and a half, the house was so disgusting. One of them finally got up and did some cleaning and then expected me to praise him for it."See what I did!!" or was he tryinig to make me feel guilty because I let the house get that way? I know my kid thinks I have turned into a raving lunatic, because it seems I spend more time yelling at him than anything these days, but he IS the biggest offender of "her time is my time" I just gave up a four day weekend vacation, because he had hockey tryouts. Did I get so much as a thanks, nooooooo, what I got was,
"take me to Ybor for a concert"
"take me clothes shopping"
"take me to work"
"take me to my girlfriends"
"I need a DR appt"
"Call this guy on this car I want".............etc etc etc. Excuse me!! I was supposed to be in NC right now!!
I am stressed to the point that small things I would normally shrug off can put me close to over the edge. And the things that do piss me off, well it would be better to not be around. What I have determined is I am in really bad need of a vacation. I mean the out of state, longer than a week, relax, do what I WANT vacation. Unfortunatly that doesn't come until July. I was hoping the long weekend would tie me over, but I guess not. I sat outside the rink the other night and it was quiet. I revelled in the lack of noise. My mind drifted off. I was sitting on my fathers balcony over looking the James River in VA. The only sounds to be heard in the early evening is the water of the river and the occasional train that runs on the tracks on the other side of it. Humming birds hover nearby at the feeders. It is so quiet you can actually hear the hum of their wings. As the sun goes down the fireflies come out and you get your own personal light show......ahhhh yessssssssss. Being suddenly jerked from that tranquil moment sucked. Count down the days to departure and try to keep myself on even keel. Deep breath, count, 1....2.....3.....4...

Days Gone By

I was sitting in one of my fav hangouts the other night, I think its more a fav place to hangout because of the company I usually keep when I am there, and I was watching the Lightning play and got to talking to George and Fred about how things were when we were growing up and what we did for fun. Things were so different. I was growing up in Connecticut and was about 8 or 9. My older brother and I would get to driving my mother nuts so she would basically throw some brown bags together and tell us to get out of the house. It also meant don't come home for awhile. When this happened we would usually go next door and grab Kevin and Lisa and then another house down and grab Ron. Off the five of us would go for the days adventure. We would wander down the road about a mile or so, then up the hillside, scale the 15 foot cliff and head into the woods. Now the woods seemed to go on forever. We had our options of going anywhere, any direction. We would usually visit our old discoveries and then venture off to find some new fantastic world. We had found an old abandoned house, a small clearing, with all kinds of large boulders protruding from the ground, and a meadow with tall, tall grass that was great for hiding. This particular day we went toward a path we had never noticed before. It wound through the trees and up another hill and eventually opened up to a small graveyard. This graveyard was different, It was not the huge marble stones you usually saw but the headstones were all wood or flat grey slate. Most were tattered and worn. Now this was really cool to a bunch of 8, 9 and 10 year olds. We checked the dates and I remember us being amazed because they went back to the 1860's.
We stayed out all day, laying in the grass, climbing the rocks, playing hide and seek, and discovering so much that was in our back yard. We spent the day outdoors, with our friends, talking and laughing and enriching our minds. We got exercise. Breathed in clean air. Learned how to talk with others and learned to use our imaginations. We were explorers. As kids we had fun. We entertained ourselves for an entire morning and afternoon. And my mom, well, she got peace and quiet.
I think back to the wonder that we found in the world around us. We didn't have video games and only had 5 channels on TV. Can our children not learn this world that we came to know because of all the electronic doodads that we have given them, or is it because we no longer can tell our 8,9 and 10 year olds to skidaddle for the day, outside, unsupervised? Is there too much evil that lurks around the corner to hurt them? Would HRS be on our asses?? These day long journeys were some of the best times I can remember. As a 9 year old it was freedom from the reins of my parents and it was an adventure because no one was telling me that climbing the cliff was too dangerous. It was food for my brain and an understanding of the world around me that my son will never have. I don't take trips back to my childhood haunts. I like remembering the way they were. 30 some years of progress would only destroy the pleasure I still find in those memories.

Religion

I see many people cringing at that title, but this isn't about preaching or discussing religion itself. I got an e-mail from my brother today and he discussed his religion and beliefs as he often does in his letters and it struck me how different I and all my siblings are in our beliefs. We were all raised in the same. We were raised Catholic, went to church every Sunday and either went to CCD classes or were in Catholic School My mother raised us all the same and no exceptions were made. There are 4 of us and I find it interesting the differences we all have when it comes to religion.
My oldest brother, well he just questions the existence of a creator and supreme being. He doesn't deny the existence but he doesn't necessarily believe either. My younger sister is the middle of the road. She goes to church on Sundays and generally follows the Catholic rules. Then there is my younger brother......he is the strong Catholic. Faithfully to church every Sunday and every religious holiday. He believes in the Catholic laws and applies it to his everyday life. Me, I believe in God but not in any particular denomination. I lost my belief in the Catholic Church when my son, while attending a Catholic School, was told that his mother would go to hell because she was divorced. I went and talked to the principal, but he wouldn't do anything about it. Said my son must have been mistaken.
I just find it interesting that 4 kids in the same house all believe in different things. Is it the life experiences that alter the way we view religion? And if you believe in God, does he really care how we worship him?

Dead Man Walking

Dead Man Walking. An interesting term used for inmates taking that last walk to the room where their life will end. I heard it used today at work. We recently got notice of 7500 people in the company being laid in off in June and we wondered if those that had been slated to leave in March and then were reassigned, were considered part of that 7500 people. The answer soon came and we were told that the ones who were reassigned were considered "dead men walking" and were not part of the 7500. Hmmmmmmm. The thoughts I had over the use of this phrase ranged from one end of the scale to the other. At first I thought , "how appropriate" we are already slated to be let go when these temp jobs we have been assigned to,are over with, so in a sense we are dead men walking. Our lives here are limited and we know that what we have will come to an end, much like an inmate on death row knows that sooner or later his life in prison will do the same.

Now I really got a chuckle over that though, cause working here is like being in a prison, but getting axed, isn't death, its freedom.

At the other end of the spectrum I got a little angry. Does this place think our lives are over if we aren't working here? HA! I got news for them. This ain't no picnic. Living each day in uncertainty really sucks. And having ethics crammed down your throat everyday because of crimes the CEO and his compadres commited, well that in itself makes ya gag when you walk in the door. Lets not get started on the "don't steal the office supplies" line I recieved the other day. Excuse me, I think the last time this company gave me supplies was in 1999. I have even had to go buy my own batteries in order to use the headset that I need in order to do my job. Oh unless you were talking about the head set. ......Hahahahaha,........... oh please. But it would also be typical of this company to think its paradise and that leaving it would be like death. The ego that is this company. An ego so big that when it bought us out it actually dumped customers. Whos laughing at that now? Ooops that was me. No I can't say that when I walk out the door for the last time its going to make me fall to the ground and cry out "MY LIFE IS OVER!!!" more than likely it will be like a huge weight has been lifted.

Dead Man Walking?? No. Just Sniff looking for new cheese. But thats another story.

Destiny

Today I was asked if I believe in destiny.

To me destiny is kinda like a maze. There is one beginning and one end. And while we know where the beginning is, do we know anything about the end? Once in the maze/life, you have a choice to turn left, right, or go straight, and each choice you make takes you to in another direction with a different experience. Like life we never know what is a round the corner, just as we don't know what the big guy upstairs has in mind for us. Are we destined to be famous? poor? alone? rich? Isn't that all a matter of what goals we have set for ourselves? . Along the path we find many obstacles. They either break us or make us stronger. We either learn from them or are destroyed by them. Do these highs and lows shape our destiny?

Can we say that superman was destined to be a hero and Lex Luthor was destined to be a villain? Maybe if Superman were raised in the foster system he would have been the villain and had Lex been in a loving family environment he could have been the hero.

When a child proclaims that he will be president, and works to achieve that goal, and one day finds himself sitting behind the White House desk, has he realized his destiny? What about us poor schleps that just wanna lead a good life? Is that our destiny? Maybe our destiny and our goals are the same thing. Maybe some folks know their destiny and others only have them revealed when we meet our maker and review our lives. I figure I'm the latter. Destiny, ya, I believe in it, but like the maze, I have no idea where the end is.

People

At work the other day a coworkwer came to me upset and close to tears. She is the lead in a group that is working on cleaning the companies network of circuits that are no longer in use, "line cost reduction". Anyway, Some of the folks that work under her were talking behind her back and making rude remarks about her that she overheard, needless to say, upsetting her. Now this is not the first time that this has happened. I have been privy to the many of the conversations that have gone on about her. I never repeat to her what I hear.....what good would that serve other than to upset her more. It seems that she is one of those folks that everyone likes to pick on to make themselves feel better.

Its funny cause I thought this was something that only children did, something that was part of adolescence. I remember the days in elementary school......it was Bonnie and Jackie that everyone was mean to. Bonnie because she came from a poor family, (I grew up in a community where the majority of folks were upper middle class white,) and Jackie because she was nieve and innocent. What was the purpose of that meaness? I don't really know. I always seemed to befriend the underdogs.......I didn't really care about what others thought of me back then......I guess I still don't, unless your one of my few friends. But maybe thats why in High School, after moving to a new state in my Junior year, when I became the focal point of the cruel words and cheap shots, I was lucky enough to find some really close friends in the other "rejects" in the school. We were a collective group of nerds, strange ones, over weight ones, and non natives. I found truer friends in these folks than in most other people. But I guess I have kinda wandered here and getting back to the whole thought of my ramblings, why?? why as adults would we still do this? As adults are we still unable to find worth in oursleves that we have to put others down to make ourselves important? I'm not talking aout the occasional snide remarks make, and I,m not talking about when we are being catty. I'm talking about the constant putting down of someone for no purpose other than to do it.....like children in school.

My coworker is an awesome person. She is bright, intelligent and big hearted. And as it was in HS, she has become one of those wonderful, trusted friends. Its a shame that life can't be like in the movie Shallow Hal, where everyone who is beautiful inside looks beautifulon the ouside, and those who are ugly inside look ugly in appearance as well. What would we all really see??

Critters

I know not everyone shares the same feelings as me about the animals that many share their homes with. I view mine as my children. While I have a human child, my furry ones seldom talk back, throw temper tantrums, or disrespect me. It amazes me how they only ask for food, water, shelter and an occasional petting. With this they are content, and in return, shower you with their loyalty, love and affection, with no questions asked.
And so it is that my home is open to any furball that wins my heart or has a sad story to tell. How is it that such little creatures can capture our hearts. For me, the paw that is placed on my lap or face, the kiss, the purr, the invitation to come play, are all signs of of affection that make me love these nbabies all that much more. Why is it in my hours of grief, tiredness, lonelines or frustrations, they can come to me, lay with me and quietly comfort me. Their quietness speaks words that humans can never say.

Why is it, that everytime I sit at my desk, one of my cats, jumps up and lays in front of me? She goes to sleep and does nothing more. Does she find comfort in me as I do her. Do they come to love us so much, that just being near us, is comforting to them? I do often wonder what emotions are in them when it concerns their feelings for us. Maybe thats why I look at each of these animals, as one of my children. They are individuals, each with their own distinct personality. They are family members. Each contributing to the whole.

Rest peacefully my little angel - Weeki - April 6th 2004