Outta State

So I am here in PA...... ahhhhhhhhhhh such cool weather compared to Fla. Its rained the first day here but thats ok.... it was still nice in the morning sitting in Margies back yard sipping coffee in my PJs and talking. I like staying here... Margies husband is pretty cool.... and have you ever met one of those couples that are just so incredibly made for each other. I love to watch their interactions. But enough... thought I would just touch base. Tomorrow I am off to visit Petes grave and to visit his mom........... hugs and kisses to my friends that I hold so dear......

A Year Gone By

I was flipping through my date book and found myself staring at the month of August. Not so much the month, but the name, the time of year. It has been almost a year since Pete died and it isn’t so much that I haven’t counted each month that has gone by since he passed away, because I have, but that it’s a year now. I still bare that heavy heart that was given to me last August and I have shed enough tears to flood the Sahara Desert. With his death I have learned many lessons, some harsh.
** Alcohol does numb the pain. I understand why people get lost in it when they don’t want to face reality. In large quantities it helps you forget. It allows you to fall asleep into a restless sleep, yes restless, but it is better than being awake and tossing and turning. It takes a sharp mind and puts it to sleep, allowing moments of forgetfulness.
** Most of the “couples” you hung out with no longer wish to hang out. Your singleness scares them. They start making up excuses and eventually you never see them again.
** While your head remembers vividly for a long time to come. Your friends forget much sooner and don’t understand your mood swings 6 months down the road let alone 12 or 18.
** The only thing I can imagine being worse than losing a spouse or significant other, is losing a child.
** Many people will come to the service and offer you help, but take it all with a grain of salt, because most will scatter and hide a day after the offer is out.

** Don’t let anyone dictate how you should feel. Only you know when you are able to take the next step.

Life itself has become very different. Sometimes when I go out to eat by myself, I look around and feel that I could be swallowed up by the emptiness I feel. I think about the future that won’t ever happen and what I have lost. I know I have become more of a homebody. Those spur of the moment things Pete and I used to do are no longer done. Random trips to the coffee house, Barnes and Nobles, and Bay Walk just don’t happen. I still have not been able to take myself to the beach to watch a sunset. Life has become predictable and routine, and I know this has drug me down, but still, a year later, see no way out.
I miss having someone holding me close at night.
I miss having someone to talk to at any time of the day or night.
I miss his hugs.
I miss coming home from work and finding dinner on the table.
I even miss the arguing between Pete and Peter.
Mostly I miss my best friend.
I think of the times I have watched movies and in them a spouse has died and at some point a person will say…. “It’s been a year. Its ok to date, you should be ready.” In truth, it doesn’t work that way. In truth it really does feel like a part of you has been ripped away, and you wonder if you will ever feel whole again. There are also those who will say, “You weren’t married.” No we weren’t but I knew him for 9 years, dated for 8 of that and lived together for 4. A piece of paper doesn’t make a damn bit of difference in emotions. You desperately want the closeness, but the thought of it with another still is not acceptable. Such a harsh conflict………………….
Losing a spouse or significant other is nothing I would wish on anyone, although it will happen to almost all of us in time. I look at those who throw away a marriage and wonder why. For every one that is thrown away there is another destroyed by death. I sit and think how unfair it is that I should suffer while others throw away what I long for.
But life goes on, and I must do the same………so each day I get up and think of one thing that makes the day worth while, and maybe, if I get out of bed for that one thing, I will be surprised and some event will happen to put the wind back in my sails.

Money Blues

Damn this month has been expensive!!!
1. A visit to Universal - so not worth the money
2. An escrow shortage
3. Peters Car Insurance since he is unemployed
4. Bill for blood tests
5. Magazine subscription renewals
6. New starter for truck

Now I really belong in the poor house. :(
Ya I know you probably want some cheese with that whine.

Quick Quips

It struck me today that I give my son too much credit for having common sense. He had to be at the courthouse today and he parked in a city lot with meters that was in front of the courthouse. He complained... loudly.... when he got a parking ticket. I asked if he put any money in the meter and he replied "no." He didn't think he had to put any money in the meter since he was required to show up at the courthouse and parked in the courthouse lot.

All my favorite bloggers must be in a dry spell. No ones posting. Ya, I know, I must be easily amused.

I am trying to learn some basic HTML so I can add a few things to my blog. Nothing fancy, just maybe a "Quote over heard" section on the side bar.

Woohooooo!!! Off to PA next week.

Memory Lane

I lay asleep in my bed this morning, a light sleep, and was awoken when I heard the paper delivery guy driving through the neighborhood. Phffffffffffwwwwwwwt thump....... as the paper landed in the neighbors yard. I pictured they guy driving down the middle of the road, slinging papers out of his car windows...... and I drifted off to my teenage years.......... when I was 12. I was remembering my brother and I getting up at 3:30 in the morning to deliver our papers. We delivered the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Company policy stated that papers were to be delivered by 6AM. We went out to the end of the driveway to retrieve the papers that the driver had just dropped off, loaded them into the large metal rack baskets that sat over the back wheel of our bikes, and headed off into the early morning air. Some days that air was warm, giving telltale signs of what the summer day would bring, other days it was cold and crisp and you knew snow was on the way. I would make $15.00 a week from my paper route. I had 35 customers. Papers were to be placed in the location the customer specified.......between the doors, in a milk box, on the side patio. Some driveways were long, or up a hill. It didn't matter, the paper was put where the customer had easy access to get it. Every Saturday and Sunday I would go around and collect my money.......actually knock on the door and state "collecting - Cleveland Plain Dealer" On mondays the account reps drove around collecting the company's share of the money. In 1974 at 12 years old, I felt rich with $15.00 in my pocket...... All these jobs are gone today..... no wonder teaching responsibility to young kids is getting harder and harder to do.

New Fuzzbutts

So here we are!! We thought we would sneak on to mom's computer and introduce ourselves. We've been named Mr Woozle (left) and Nismo (right). We love our new home. Our life had gotten pretty rough. We had been thrown out of our house and we were found by the SPCA, hiding in a ladies shed. We hadn't eaten in a long time and water was hard to find. Bugs were eating us and our hair was falling out. We were taken to a shelter and given a nice warm bed and lots to eat and drink. We got better but even when we came to our new home, mom kept saying we needed to fatten up and get more hair. Just after we got here we both got really really sick and couldn't stop coughing and wheezing. Mom was really worried and kept feeding us vitamins and ground up duck meat along with our other food. After 2 weeks we started to feel better and mom squealed with delight the first time we did a dance for her. Now we run around and get into everything. Our cage is awesome and we love the girls that already live here. ;)

Theme Parks

I went to Universal Studios this weekend. I haven’t been to a theme park in ages, about 10 years, and I had never been to Universal. I found it over priced, too crowded, and hard to get around. While I enjoyed my family’s company, I did not find the park worth the $70.00 to get in, not to mention the added cost of the express passes to shorten the wait time. Without the express pass, don’t waste your time going. And have you ever tried walking through a crowded park with a wheelchair or stroller. People don’t care that you have a lethal weapon in which to knock them down. And Jamaicans aren’t as laid back as everyone makes them out to be. Imagine if you will 5 of us walking through the park…. I pushing a wheelchair……a man cuts in front of me and I can’t stop in time and hit him in the ankle.

Me: I’m sorry

Jamaican Man: Sorry means nothing!

Me: Excuse me?

JM: (yelling) I said sorry means nothing!

Me: I’m sorry? You said what?

JM: (Yelling louder) In my country you kill someone and people say I’m sorry. It means nothing. You hit me and you cut me!

Me: (sternly) No…sir. You walked in front of the wheelchair. You caused yourself to get hurt. I apologized to be polite.

JM: (still yelling) Your apology means nothing……..

Me: (cutting off JM and starting to raise my voice) OK! OK! I don’t apologize. You’re an asshole and fuck you!

About that time a park attendant came up and intervened escorting the JM to the side and motioning us to move on.
It makes for such a fun day… Seventy dollars to go into a park to be abused by and ignorant asshole. I was disappointed all around. Next time I will bank the money, buy some booze and throw a BBQ in my back yard.

Quick Quips

Driving down the road today I drove up on a car with a save the dolphins license plate. As I stopped next to her at the traffic light she flicked her cigarette butt out of the car. Message I get....save a dolphin......litter the land.

I got 2 new ferrets.

I just got back to work and I am ready for another vacation. Work sucks!

A new line I heard from a fellow blogger and love:
Some people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything......
But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs

I bought a new cell phone a bit ago and was down loading ringtones, I actually caught myself searching for one to use for Pete.