Thursday, May 31, 2007

RICH vs RICH

I was discussing with a close friend the role money plays in some people’s lives. While money buys us the food on our tables and pays the bills, what we got into was how some people judge them selves by how much money they make or how much they have in the bank. I have always thought it sad that people make something material represent their own self worth. They have that monstrous house, the fancy sports car and all the up to date, name brand appliances and household electronics. What is the point of this. I have a house, it is small but suited me. It provides me with coolness in the summer and heat in the winter; It shelters me from the rain and wind. My truck gets me from point A to point B, and quite efficiently. My 12-year-old washer and dryer still do what they are supposed to do. When I turn on my 32" inch tv on it shows they same thing as that 58” tv. Who’s to say you enjoyed the program more just because it was bigger in your house. And what’s so great about vibrating your walls with music till the pictures fall of the wall. I don’t need to listen to my music that way to enjoy it. What you have doesn’t make you a better person. Yet there are the ones who have to chase the almighty dollar.
It is what defines them.
It is what makes them stand out
It is what makes them better than everyone else
It is their status in the world
It is their status within their company

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

While I don’t like the idea that I will be working until the day I keel over into my grave, I look around me and I see my family, I see my friends and I know where my wealth comes from. I have friends that are truly loyal to me. Family that loves me. I know these people will stand by me in fair weather and in the stormy. I believe what truly makes us rich is what we have in our friends and family. All that material stuff hangs out on earth when we go but whom and what we are remains in others...in our children and our grandchildren and it is how we are judged when we stand at those pearly gates

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

KItty the Pin Cushion




So I have been stressed over one of the cats. Angel has been one health issue after another. First it was the UT, then bladder stones which required surgery and now its allergies.
Severe allergies.
She is a mess, open sores, scabs, dry skin patches and half bald. After removing various things from her diet, changing kitty liter, changing detergents, etc, etc, I had her tested and she came up positive to oak, elm and pepper trees, all of which are all over the neighborhood, common household mold and dust. She is now on antigen shots, hence my stress and hers. Learning to give shots is technically easy to do, but emotionally is another story. After being shown how to give shots the vet had me practice a few time on kitty with a saline solution. I did OK.....or thought I did, when 3 days later I had to give her a real injection, I only had the needle partially in and half went all over her coat.........well whats left of it. I had to make another attempt and this time never got it in her so once again the meds went all over her......the next three tries were her hissing at me and running away. I felt tears welling. I was hurting her. I gave up. Another 3 days and it was time for yet another try to give her, her allergy shot. 2 attempts and it was ended. I received 1 hiss and one nip. I called the vets and pleaded for help. That evening I took her in and the nurse made me do it in front of her. She said my approach was good but I was too slow and she gave me a demo of how the pros do it. Scruff, take aim and jab.....pull back to check there is no blood and then inject away. What I had to get over was the emotions that welled up that I was hurting her. Its easy to watch but as the pet owner we don't want to inflict pain on them. A hiss, cry or flinch implies we are. We feel guilty and we can't complete our task. In moving slow to get the needle in she felt the prick and had time to react, done quickly is less pain. Kinda like pulling the thorn out of a finger slowly versus yanking it out fast. So here today came and I had to try again. I pet her, and stroked her....scruffed up the skin......... and 1.....2.....wait.....regroup............1........... 2.......... stop!!! ........regroup again..........1............ 2 .......... a deep breath..........3! In it went pulled back, checked for blood....none and injected meds..... not a flinch, not a jump, not a bite or a hiss. One big happy dance all over the living room.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Question?

Why is it that your poorest friends will give you the shirt off their back and expect nothing from you in return, and the ones with money expect everything?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Happy Birthday Pete!

Well your not here on the earthy grounds to celebrate it but it makes me feel better wishing it to you anyway.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

What I Hate About Myself

I hate my self doubt when it comes to work

I hate that I let two POS bosses at my last job turn me into this fuckin, thin skinned, pouting baby, doubting everything I do.

ARRRRRRRRGH!!!!

I can't believe that 8 months at that hell hole turned me into such a wussy. I always thought myself stronger than that.
Everyday it was something wrong.
Everyday it was a tongue lashing.
Everyday it was a threat to reduce pay or let me go

You didn't put a subject in the title line of your e-mail
You didn't copy L on the e-mail
You didn't make the subject line all caps
You didn't put in all the notes
You didn't check on that trouble ticket
You didn't use the correct color paper for that letter

No personal phone calls, not even on your cell
No personal e-mails
No personal use of the Internet
No IM
No leaving the property for lunch, or for that matter no stopping work to eat lunch

It was always something....finally I didn't care. I was a praying to get fired

Here I am almost a year later......a friggin year later on my current job and when I get criticized I take it personal. When my current boss gets irritated and edgy I wait for the trashing, if caught doing something personal I quickly shove it in a drawer or close it on the computer. If I have idle time I wait for her to come around the corner and tell me to get to work. Every correction makes me feel like shit for making a mistake in the first place. FUCK!!! I wish I knew how to fight these feelings of inadequacy.

In truth I work for a wonderful group of people. I get taken out to lunch at least once a week. They ask me how my weekend was. They gave me flowers on my birthday and on my 6 month anniversary of being with them. I got a bonus at Christmas, after only 6 months of employment. They ask my opinion on things. The give me projects to work and trust my judgment. I got three raises in my first 9 months!

When I worked for MCI, I never doubted my work. I knew I was good at what I did and I was good at teaching others how to do it. If someone questioned my work I could always justify it AND then ask why they felt it might not be right. Criticism was a way to learn. I wish I could feel this way again. I am told constantly what a great job I do, but it doesn't help. I find myself checking work and rechecking it to be sure it is correct. I question decisions I make and then find myself asking someone if it was the right thing to do.

I am frustrated that I can't fix this problem in my head.
The problem was put there, there must be a way to remove it