Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Past Brought to the Present

A while back when Pete was alive, when he was making the job change between AMR and HCFR, I had carried him over on a month and a half of bills. He had decided to pay me back out of a trust fund account. At the time he went to write the check he was unable to find the check book. It started an argument.....not over the money but over the check book. We tore the house apart looking for it and never found it. As usual, when anything disappears or is misplaced, it was my fault. I had become accustomed, to both males in the house blaming me when they couldn't find something. It was my fault, in that while he left it on his desk, and I must have let one of the ferrets run off with it.........or it must have fallen off the desk, and I must have picked it up a put it some place while cleaning. I think there were another 3 or 4 reasons why it was my fault. Needless to say it was a bit of an argument and what was funny is that it wasn't over the fact I would have to wait to get paid beck, but that the checkbook was missing. I don't think I talked to Pete for a day because I was so pissed off that he made it out to be my fault. Eventually we both just forgot about it and it passed.

So whats the point, you ask??

I was looking for a photograph and was looking through the drawer on the table that Pete used for a desk. I was tired of standing so I pulled the drawer out and sat on the floor..... never found the photo but as I went to put the drawer back in, I saw something in the bottom of the drawer slot. I pulled it out and what was in my hand? The checkbook. The "you let the ferrets run off with it" checkbook. The "you must have put it someplace" checkbook. I smiled, then laughed. For the first time since he died, I felt as if Pete were here, with me. Maybe even giving me a belated, "I'm sorry," for the argument. I giggled over it for the rest of the evening.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

CoWorker - Boss - CoWorker

On my way to work today, I used the drive time the way I usually do....thinking about insignificant topics that run around in my head. Today I was thinking about how the work atmosphere has become so casual between everyone. When we were ICI in its heyday, dress was the higher end of business casual, to business dress. Formalities were afforded to those in management positions and they were to be addressed as Mr, Ms, or Mrs. When Intermedia was sold to MCI things started to become more lax. We started to have "jeans" Fridays, and the stricter codes of conduct became less so. Intermedia was always a good place to work.......we were allowed social conversations and such, but it was a very strict policy of business first. Now its casual work clothes, and some girls even come in looking like cheap street walkers. There is a lot of chit chat, and non business conversation and plenty of time where work does not come first. Everyone is on a first name basis with everyone else. The interaction between people is also different, and I mean just plain different. I would imagine that much of that is due to the fact that with all the lay offs we have gone through, that your boss today could be a co worker tomorrow and vise versa. This change could take place several times with one person. But as an example.........one day T is my boss, he is friendly, but keeps himself in check, so that he is within the guide lines of professionalism of management. Lo and behold with lay offs he is now my co worker and wow!, look out! He is now Don Juan......... let the sexual undertones....aw hell, overtones begin. Now these really don't bother me........ I antagonize........ and as long as it stays in fun and jest we are cool. Shit I worked in a restaurant for what seems like an eon and things got raunchy back in the kitchen. But I have had it work the other way where a co worker has become a boss and with that the management professionalism is a little fainter. Anyway...... my whole point is that the line between boss and worker bee is smeared, blurry, and fading fast. I have found that the constant changes within the company have given everyone a better chance to know each other. There is more camaraderie. Work is more bear able. And in a lot of cases, I think that more work gets done. But I also think we are unique, or at least somewhat unique. You are the last 140 people in a company that was once 4000 people. There are alot of shared trials and tribulations ........ storms weathered.......bouts of survivors guilt. That will make the bond a little different in any group. Good ..... Bad..... I’m not making a judgment call. I'm just putting in writing what was in my head this morning.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Passing of a Furry Friend

Raini left us today.
Its been an up and down road for 3 weeks now and the time had finally come to let her go on her way. She had been diagnosed, several months ago with heart disease, thyroid problems as well as arthritis. She had been doing well on her medications until recently. Her health was slipping. She had gotten considerably skinnier, was hardly eating the pureed food we gave her and her saliva had a horrible odor that you could smell a foot away. When she walked she wobbled and often fell. Her eyes were dim. While her motor would still purr with every stroke of a hand on her head, and she would force out a meow when I walked in the room, it just didn't seem that there was quality. What is life without quality?
I remember the day we brought her home. Peter was 2 and we had gone to the SPCA because he wanted a kitty and I wanted a furry friend in the house. We got there and had looked at several cats when Peter let out a gasp of delight. There in the cage was a plump, round 20 lb cat with eyes that were as bright and alert as could be. Peter fell in love and we took her home. It was pouring rain non stop and hence came her name. She was a good kitty. When Peter would lay on the floor and watch cartoons, she would either snuggle with him or he would use her for a pillow. She always crawled into bed with him when it was time for him to go to sleep and she would sneak out after he had fallen off. They grew up together, and I have many memories of them cuddled up together. She was affectionate, gentle and mellow. 18 is a good long life for a cat..... I hope she was happy in her life. It only seems fitting that it rained the day she left my life.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Change and Morals

Back, a considerable time ago, in between the time I was making the decision to leave my husnband and his abusive ways, and before Pete, I was in need of a no strings attached relationship. I needed someone to tell me I was wanted and someone who could convince me I had some self worth. "A" was this person. Everything was impromptu and no phone calls between us. Both of us were married and both needed something we weren't finding at home. For me I needed to feel I had value, that I was interesting, and that someone could still see me as more than a personal belonging. The "no strings" was what was right for the relationship. We both had issues to deal with at home. No string meant neither of us was looking for a lasting relationship, but both of us were looking for something to spark the inner spirit that had died. It lasted about 7 months...... and it seemed we had both found our inner peace at about the same time. He decided things were worth working on at home and I had known Pete but we were starting to become interested in being more than friends.
"A" was that rebound relationship that allowed me to share everything I was with Pete. "A" was the one who taught me that being myself was ok and that anyone not liking me for who and what I was, was not worth my time. He brought happiness into my life that was saddly lacking and helped me find my self worth. Everything was always "right" with him. Everthing was always good.
I sat on my couch a week ago and realized it had been many months since we talked. It seemed that when ever one of us was blue, we would end up calling the other.........on occassions we had run into each other. It seems there would always be a strong bond there. So, last time I had talked to him, Pete was alive and "A" was split from his wife.......... So I thought I would give him a call to see how he was getting on. We talked for about 20 minutes and I finally asked if he had again worked things out. He said he was back living in the house and they were working on things. I was happy for him. He has a wonderful family. With that I realized I had made the call looking for more. I was looking for something open in the public eye, yet with no strings....... knowing this was not possible, I found a way to wind the coversation down and end the call. He means a lot to me, but the occasional conversation and run in will have to be all there is.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Quick Quips

Well Kitty has decided to make a recovery. She is eating again, although hard food is too much for her. She is once again moving about and acknowledging people when they come in. Guess she just isn't ready to go.

Diet still going strong....next weigh in is Monday AM

Work looks like it will last a little longer. They have decided to throw some special projects and that should extend us a minnimum of a year...maybe 2

When are we gonna get the perverts off the street. I am really tired of these whackos and sickos that are preying on our children. When will gov't deal with issues that are important instead of things like steroid use in sports. I think our youth is a little more important and with all these sad pathetic usless perverts stealing and raping our children, there is a serious subject to be broached. I say we castrate or lojack the assholes but then you will get the ACLU crying foul. Who was sticking up for the rights of our children when one of the pervs was snatching and molesting a 12 year old? ok don't getting me going on that subject casue I could rant on for a loooong time on what to do with sexual predators.

Til later..................................................

Monday, April 11, 2005

Misc Thoughts

OK so here I an at the end of week one of SouthBeach - 6 lbs lost.

One of my four cats, Raini, is not doing well. She is 18 and while I have been preparing myself for her passing it is hard to take. She will no longer take her meds and can't eat regular food. We are having to puree it. She has gotten very skinny ans I suppose I should have taken her to the vets this past weekend to be put down. She has improved a little in the last 3 days but not that there is real quality to her life. She still enjoys the pettings and brushings she has been getting and can manage to purr with approval, but she stays in one spot except to drink and use the litter box. I guess I need to spend time with her this week, and then, find the courage to let her go this weekend.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Job Possibility

Yesterday I had a phone interview. It was going very well. I have all the qualifications they are looking for and a few extra. One problem came up. They wanted someone to start, well basically, yesterday. I explained to them that I had to be able to give two weeks. While I did not care for the company I work for, the people I work with made it all tolerable and I could not just "leave" them. I was then told thank you for my time. I figured I would not hear from them again. Today I got another phone call asking me to come in to do a second interview with the person who hires. I was told they really liked my resume and they respected me for refusing to just walk away from my current job. So Tuesday, I have my interview.........only thing that could stop me from taking this would be if they are unable to meet my salary needs. They were on the resume, so ..........maybe thats a good sign.........................

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Cravings

I am dieing here!!!!
I would love an asiago cheese bagel with veggie spread!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Diet Diet Diet

Yes I live on that merry-go-round. I have always had a hard time with my weight. I was a plump child and it wasn't until HS that I dropped my weight through dieting. During college I was anorexic looking. I was 128lbs. You could always see my rib cage, collar bone ,vertebrae and such, and when I see those photos I shiver. The sad thing is, that is what doctors kept telling me my ideal weight should be. I think they were wrong........ I think there were a lot of things that they did not take into consideration. So I look through a lot of photos and decided at what weight I was comfortable with myself and where I looked healthy. Pre marriage and kid years, I have decided. Many may cringe but for me it was 140 to 145. The skeletal look was gone...there was a glow in the skin and clothes didn't look like they were on a hanger. So that is my goal. I have already lost 40, but took a bit of a hiatus and maintained............... but now I am ready to lose the rest

So .....dust off the work out tapes and clean out the fridge.......