This week I was asked to work over time and if I would mind putting in more in the next few weeks. My response was sure....I have no life, and as those words flowed from my lips I had flashbacks of the last few weeks and realized just how true that statement is. My life consists of nothing more than 2 jobs and picking up after a teenager. I used to have a life, but with my closest and dearest friend having passed through the pearly gates I realize I have nothing to do. He occupied so much of my time........hockey games, books and coffee at Barnes and Nobles, movies, sunsets on the beach, dinner out, concerts in the park, and home projects, not to mention just sitting on the couch watching TV and have conversations. Christmas vacation made me see just how much my life has changed. Normally it would have been filled with activities, but this year, that vacation time was nothing more than a week of sitting my ass on the couch and staring at the TV. No motivation. So the question is, "What to do?" Part of me says to move on.........meet new people.........call old friends from the past. Part of me is afraid to, afraid to let go of what was. Afraid that if I let go, I will forget........Sometimes I think I am starting to get my act together and then I have long moments of deep sadness...mostly when evening sets in and my brain no longer has to work a million issues at one time. So the inner conflict continues......... I know at some point I have to step out of my surroundings into the bigger picture.........but it sure looks scary from where I am.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
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Don't let that inertia keep you bound forever! I've been scrolling through your postings fascinated by the random nothingness and somehow identifying with it. Especailly this post about having no life outside of your routine.
I found the same reality staring me in the face right around the new year as well. I don't know if it helps you any, but I can tell you after taking the leap back into an active life that it is more fun and less scary than I thought. In the last month I've signed up with the Red Cross as a volunteer one day a week, signed up for night classes at a local university and have held myself to a promise of going out to dinner or the driving range or just ANYTHING with one of my "long lost" friends each week.
If you had asked two months ago where I was going to find the time to do this, I could not have told you. But now that I am doing these things I have discovered that time is a lot like money. Somehow however much you have seems to be exactly how much you need. Of course we always want more of both, and dream about the fun and fancy things we would do with a million dollars or an extra hour in the day. But when we make something truly a priority somehow we almost always manage to find the time (or the money) to make it happen.
Just my random thoughts added to your random thoughts, so maybe it carries no relevance but on the off chance that my humble contirbution might be encouraging for you, I had to chime in.
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