I was inside leaning against the door frame of my front door. Looking at the Christmas lights accross the street, I popped open my beer. I watched the lights as they blinked and moved about from the breeze. I was trying toremember about when it was that I started losing the excitment of Christmas. It wasn't hard to remember when it was that I lost the last shred of it, but I wanted to remember exactly what year it was that there was just was a little less umpff than the previous years Christmas. I thought back over the years of dealing with my mother in her post stroke personality........her irrational behavior, her threats and her guilt trips. I would guess that that would have to have been the start of the decline. But, my first Christmas in my new house, was better and as Christmas's came and went in this house things improved until 2004, when it all crashed. As I looked at those lights, I wondered if I could get it back. And thus, I started thinking about the new year to come. I needed it to be different. There have been too many heartaches, too many struggles and way too much bullshit. I am tired of feeling lost. Maybe at midnight I should grab on to 2006 and demand it be a better year! Demand it treat me right. Tell 2006 I deserve better, that I deserve to be happy, that I am owed a good, successful, unburdened and happy year! I want more than the humdrum, same shit, different day routine.
So for 2006, I just want to find myself.
Friday, December 30, 2005
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It's hard to get excited about this time of year when everyone around is more concerned with getting the right gift, grabbing the parking space next to the store and generally acting rude. I have never seen so many soccer moms driving mini vans, talking on the phone and driving like maniacs through the Target parking lot than I have this year.
This, along with the losses we face each year, make the holidays seem like a chore - at least to me. Entertaining is the worst, working your ass off to make other people happy and not enjoying it yourself.
Even remembering deceased loved ones and taking the time for a "visit" seems to get put on the backburner due to the hussle and bussle of the season.
Steph, make this your year. Do it for YOU!!! By thinking of yourself you will be making those around you better people. They will see that it's ok to take time to smell the roses.
OK, enough of my rambling. Just do it girl!!! Next year, take a trip on a singles cruise, go skiing with Pete's skis, but do something for you. You work hard, you're a great person and you know how to love unconditionally - Just do it.
Remember, we're all behind you and want the best for you.
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