What I Hate About Myself

I hate my self doubt when it comes to work

I hate that I let two POS bosses at my last job turn me into this fuckin, thin skinned, pouting baby, doubting everything I do.

ARRRRRRRRGH!!!!

I can't believe that 8 months at that hell hole turned me into such a wussy. I always thought myself stronger than that.
Everyday it was something wrong.
Everyday it was a tongue lashing.
Everyday it was a threat to reduce pay or let me go

You didn't put a subject in the title line of your e-mail
You didn't copy L on the e-mail
You didn't make the subject line all caps
You didn't put in all the notes
You didn't check on that trouble ticket
You didn't use the correct color paper for that letter

No personal phone calls, not even on your cell
No personal e-mails
No personal use of the Internet
No IM
No leaving the property for lunch, or for that matter no stopping work to eat lunch

It was always something....finally I didn't care. I was a praying to get fired

Here I am almost a year later......a friggin year later on my current job and when I get criticized I take it personal. When my current boss gets irritated and edgy I wait for the trashing, if caught doing something personal I quickly shove it in a drawer or close it on the computer. If I have idle time I wait for her to come around the corner and tell me to get to work. Every correction makes me feel like shit for making a mistake in the first place. FUCK!!! I wish I knew how to fight these feelings of inadequacy.

In truth I work for a wonderful group of people. I get taken out to lunch at least once a week. They ask me how my weekend was. They gave me flowers on my birthday and on my 6 month anniversary of being with them. I got a bonus at Christmas, after only 6 months of employment. They ask my opinion on things. The give me projects to work and trust my judgment. I got three raises in my first 9 months!

When I worked for MCI, I never doubted my work. I knew I was good at what I did and I was good at teaching others how to do it. If someone questioned my work I could always justify it AND then ask why they felt it might not be right. Criticism was a way to learn. I wish I could feel this way again. I am told constantly what a great job I do, but it doesn't help. I find myself checking work and rechecking it to be sure it is correct. I question decisions I make and then find myself asking someone if it was the right thing to do.

I am frustrated that I can't fix this problem in my head.
The problem was put there, there must be a way to remove it