Circle of Grief

Its not like its my first time going through this, but it always seems that way, and it never gets easier. Billy, Raini, Weeki, Teeki, Nissmo, Woozle, Pheelia, Lielah and now Tauvi, the journey to the Bridge is never an easy one to release our fur kids to. Tauvi is soon for that journey and it eats at me in so many ways.

She is an old girl.

She has had a good life here.

I know I have done my best for her.

I have shown her the stars and told her of the Bridge. I have told her that if her body is tired and her spirit wants to move on, then I understand and its ok. I tell all my kids this. I think way to often our pets hang on.....for us......they need to know its ok to go. Whats hard, is that time leading up to the journey. Tauvi has an enlarged heart. She has been on lasix for a few weeks. This helps remove the fluids, but her heart is pressing on her esophagus. This makes it hard to eat and hard to drink. In past days it seems even harder. She is losing weight from not eating enough. I can't see force feeding her when all that does is stress her out and stress her heart more. So here I sit and worry. Worry; is she eating? Is she drinking? Is she comfortable? Is she hurting? I look in her eyes and question, do I still see a light or has it grown dim and I just don't want see that, because I don't want to do what she is asking......help her to cross. What if I send her off too soon? What if I should have helped her sooner? I hate this part, if I wish it to be over, then I feel guilt because I think I'm wishing her dead......and if she still wants to be here to collect more hugs and kisses before her journey........then I want to give her that love to carry her over. I hate the confusion....the tears....the sadness.....I hate to think of my life without this furry, fuzzy little creature in it. I guess all I can do is what I have always done..........ride the emotional ups and downs and pack her bags as full of hugs and kisses until she tells me its time to go.

A Chilly Night

Last night I got home from being out with my son and threw a quick dinner in the oven. I was very hungry to the point of having the shakes. While dinner heated up I got all the furkids out of their condos and let them out to rampage and terrorize the house and cats. While the condos were unoccupied I clean the liter boxes and shook out the towels and blankets. Once done I pulled dinner from the oven, turned on the tv and sat down to eat
BOOM!......out go the lights
Electricity back on for maybe 2 seconds........
BOOM!.......out go the lights a second time.......
Electricity back on for 10 seconds.......
BOOM!.......out go the lights for a third time....
I sat in complete darkness and nothing.....I felt my way over to where the candles were a lit one....then two.....then three...... I made my way around the house turning off the heat and light switches. I had had a major chill going so had cranked the heat up from 68 to 75. Thank goodness it had hit the 75 degree mark. I sat back down at the table and ate my dinner by candle light. It was black as black outside. The entire neighborhood was down. Outside I could hear sirens wailing away.....so many......it sounded as if the the whole city had gone to hell. Progress trucks rumbled through the neighborhood looking for the trouble. Their headlights and search lights illuminated the front room as they passed. Finished with dinner I carried my dishes and candle to the kitchen to clean up. By 9:30 I guessed that the way the trucks were driving around, that it would be a while before the power was back up. I grabbed the kids and tucked them all back in bed and gave them extra blankets and towels and pulled down the front of the cage covers to help retain their heat. I figured it was better for them to be safe and warm in the cages than running around. By 10 PM, There was really nothing to do, and too dark to read a book, so I myself grabbed an extra comforter, crawled into bed and drifted off to sleep.

The power stayed off until 2 AM. I woke up to the beeping of the phones and the hallway light coming on. I crawled out of bed to a very cold house. I quickly set the alarm clock and turned the heat on......brrrrrrr....thermostat read 57. I checked on all the kids......pig piled under the blankets and toasty warm. Tauvi was snuggled in the two sweaters I had given her.
This time.....
click goes the light switch........out go the lights.....and me......back to bed

What To Do With A Leaky 180 Gallon Aquarium

What could one possibly do with a leaky 180 gallon aquarium????

My back yard is a work in progress. It was originally an open and sparse back yard. It consisted of a rickety deck and nothing more. I tore down the deck...built two..... and have planted. My hope is that when all the plants and trees mature it will be my little oasis, blocking out the rest of the world.

A lack of outdoor counter space and the lack of funds to afford one of those fancy outdoor kitchens will cause a person to use some imagination. So here is what I did.

This is the back side of the aquarium....I planted some sea grass. Eventually it will grow to look like the second picture and cover the whole back side. I go to the Goodwill regularly to see if any good nick-nacks turn up that I can put inside. Some things have been donated by other family members.

9/11/2001

The memories of 9/11 still make me cry and still make me angry.

I was at work....another day of repairing clients data networks......when we first heard the news a tv was brought into our area. I remember the phones starting to ring off the wall with clients calling in from NY and the surrounding states. One of our offices was nearby, it housed network equipment. We had to disconnect customers in order to loan equipment and connections to Verizon whos building suffered major damage. The scramble was on to provide communications to police, fire, hospitals and government buildings. I remember walking into our Network Operations Center, they had a wall of monitors approx 15 feet by 20 feet , maybe bigger, that they used in parts or as a whole, I looked at it and it was set to one large screen......I watched it as the news feeds came across of the towers falling and people running. I was sick to my stomach. Those images will forever be etched in my mind. Bless the souls of those that perished, those that fought the terrorists and those that bravely searched the rubble.

The Material Things

Nearly 5 years and its still hard to part with the material things that belonged to Pete. A few things were sold right after he passed. Some things meant so very much to me but I gifted them to people I knew would treasure them more. Pete was a fireman and had many personal "tools of the trade." My son has become and EMT and can use much of these now. I lovingly pass them on to him. In many ways, by giving these things to Peter, I feel that Pete is there, watching over him, keeping him safe. This weekend I parted ways with a large TV that Pete used.... just a tv...but it was hard. I asked Peter to be sure to be kind to it.
I have gotten better.....I remind myself that these are material things and that the memories are what is important.......that he continues to live on through my heart and mind....not some inanimate object. These object don't tell stories, often, they don't even represent one. They were just "his." Don't get me wrong, there are some things I won't part with.....a jacket.....his gold St Christopher's medal.....I even breathed new life into his MAC just because it was his. I know they only have sentimental value to me....and me only. There are things in this house that I could get rid of.....framed prints and posters.....his hockey gear.......an old football from high school game......a porcelain cows head (how I hate that thing) but just have not been able to .....I guess because they were things he loved. They don't fit in, clutter the house or sit hidden in a closet.
Why can't I just get rid of them?
Why do we put so much into these things?
The photos let me see him and keeps the stories fresh in my head........the voice recording lets me hear him.........what does the TV do besides turn my brain to mush?

Life in Reality

Wow has my inner blogger been denied lately. Its been such a major lack of time. June flew by without a peep. July brought vacation and no internet....which I didn't mind and once it was back to reality, life speed up to 150 miles an hour. Work being the major hoarder of time, has left me worn out. I come home from work and have fallen asleep on the couch, in the early evening almost every night. I'm not complaining.....I am truly grateful for a job. Its just been very stressful and long hours. Peter and his fiancee have vacated for their own place, which is nice and cozy, and left me with my quiet and tranquil house. The furkids are back in their own room and all is right at The Polecat Parlour.
Vacation in Virginia was awesome as usual. It is like running away from reality for a while. When I go there. I don't watch a lot of TV, internet is dial up so I don't bother much to get on and read mail......I'm just locked away in a quiet world and oblivious to what is going on outside of that little slice of paradise. I like that place. All my worries disappear...... having that escape is so nice.......and what is just as nice is all the siblings being together with the niece and nephews. Laughter always abounds.......obnoxiously loud laughter..... its such a great sound. I wish the memories of every visit could stay fresh in my mind with every detail.......well except for one argument :) Coming back to reality always makes me teary eyed. The first hour or two of the drive home I find myself depressed. Oh if life could always be so sweet and care free, but alas, reality comes back and so does the stress of everyday life.
What I always find so interesting is I really have to monitor my blood pressure when I go to Virginia......At home I take my meds daily and life goes on...but when in paradise.....it drops....and I have to make sure I don't over medicate myself and make my blood pressure too low. What does that tell you???
The furkids are all doing well and are a welcome to come home do after a stressful day at work. Little ferrety kisses are so sweet and make my cold heart just melt. I've become such a cynic about the world. The intolerance for others, cruelness people show each other, lack of responsibility for ones own actions, stupid lawsuits, bigotry, you owe me attitude....its all so disheartening. Its all worldwide and so overwhelming. Watching a great nation stumble and becoming only a shadow of what the fore fathers wanted ....it makes me want to cry. Politicians don't listen to what the real people want, they do what they please to line their pockets and only answer to greed. What ever happened to majority rule. We make so many concessions for the "few" that the "many" no longer have a say. I'm tired of the race card being pulled out and PC sucks!!! Its ruining us........

OH HELL! I think I need another trip back to paradise to forget................

Today Pete would have been 40
I can't help but think about the party I would have thrown; black baloons, black crepe paper, and a black cake. He would have gotten a kick out of it. But.................. since there is no party....... I simply say, happy birthday Pete

Swine Flu

BFD
I am so tired of hearing about this.

Someone please tell me what the big whoop-dee-do is about this. Swine flu is no stronger than the common flu. It carries the same symptoms and the only thing I see that makes it any different is that where normally swine flu isn't easy to pass from one human to another in this case it is. OK....strains of viruses are always mutating. The news reports that there are now over 1000 cases in 21 different countries and 20 some deaths. Has anyone looked up the flu stats just from the US? In any given year 5% to 20% of the American population will get the flu, 200,000 will be hospitalized from flu related problems and 36,000 will die.

Which do you think is the "pandemic"?

So ok...there is a flu outbreak in the spring..... do like ya do in the winter.... take the same precautions, wash your hands often, avoid contact with sick people and be smart..... or....... just stay home. I think its just the good ole government trying to take focus off themselves while they waste and throw away our hard earned tax paying dollars.

Good Riddance April

Argh!
April.....what a month...... glad it is over with.
April was nothing but one big pain in the ass; auto registration, boat registration, kitty to the vets, a company that snagged on to my bank account and tried to majorly rip me off, a grumpy gus at work making work an uncomfortable place to be and so many migraines from all the stress. Only good thing out of April was that Peter got his national certification and there is an EMT in da house! Good for Peter.........He finished up his orientation program this past week and is now third on a bus until they pass him on all his checkpoints. Its nice to see him getting it all together. Pete would be proud.
May now.......has started off pretty good. Went to the old watering hole to heckle Fred while he played. It was a nice get together. George was there whom I have not seen for a bit, his son who is back from Iraq with his wife and wee one, and Peter and his GF with Nat showing up a bit later. What could be better than food beverage conversation and close friends.
Nope....no insightful thoughts or observations this time around....just relief that a crappy month is done and gone.

Bail Out - Fail Out

I was against the bail out from the beginning. If anyone needed the bail out it was the middle class people. After all, the rich get richer with all the tax loopholes and the poor..........well, hell, they get lots of free stuff, and the majority getting the free stuff don't want to work anyway. Why couldn't they have given middle class Americans the money? If the government wanted to stimulate the economy then help the ones that spend the most for general life purposes. The government could have paid off home mortgages of the middles class. This frees up money for more spending by the average Joe. It gives banks money they deserve. Banks are willing to continue loaning money and the middle class will be eager to spend since they have no mortgage to pay. You ask what about middle America that does not own a home........... ok, they could be eligible for a small cash back...why not.......

But no..... they had to give money to companies that were failing, failing because loans that never should have been made were made, places where people said ...oh well, the government is backing the loan if it fails......who cares.....well the people cared....and the people got screwed.......Congress gave money to business that squandered the money..... used it for getaways and parties .....for bonuses in the millions of dollars to people who ran the companies into the ground. Rewards for losing money and being incompetent? How does that work? And now the icing on the cake....... 13 of the companies that have received bail out money owe back taxes totalling over 200 million dollars!!! Are you kidding!!???? WTF? and I really mean WTF?? This is not the change that the people wanted.....the new president can say he wants change.....but it is really Congress that has got to want change since they make the laws. Obviously it is business as usual up there in the Capitol..... I knew this bail out was gonna be a mistake and a mess......I was only slightly wrong. Its a huge monstrous mess. The middle class will once again have to take up the ass.

This whole thing makes me sick......just sick...... I work my ass off to make ends meet and keep things together. My property goes down in value, I get less local government services that is maintain by fewer people and yet I pay more in taxes and more for services. I don't get it.

I can't help but wonder if the next rebellion....the next revolt......... the "second" American Revolution might be lurking around the corner.

An Unexpected Day

Wow!

Have ya ever had one of those days that unexpectedly turns out different than you planned and was just a great day?

Today was that day.

I got up and started my normal routine. Made coffee and set to clean cages.It was Saturday so it is the pull everything out and wash day. Set the machine to go and grabbed my morning coffee. Normally I got and enjoy my hot beverage on the couch in front of the TV. Today I decided to sit out on the deck and enjoy the morning cool air. It was still quiet and peaceful. The birds were singing and the breeze rustled the leaves in the trees. Snickers sat on the table and cleaned his paws, Meesha was on the deck laying down and just looking very content........much like the way I felt. When my coffee was done I set to cleaning the kitchen floor and then went outside to trim up the bushes for the spring growth spurt that would hit soon.

So now your say, "whats so great about all this...well other than sipping coffee outside on a beautiful morning"

Well I took my shower and gathered up my MAC to take over to Tampa to get it repaired. I figure I would have to leave it with repair until next Saturday as they are only open 8 AM to 6 PM and I was not fighting rush hour traffic to Tampa during the week. Trying to get over the bay at 5 PM is madness....sheer madness. So I got to Screwbox (MAC repair shop) and walked in. I told the tech I needed a new hard drive and more memory to support the new OS system. Then he told me I could pick it up in 2 and a half hours! I looked at him...."REALLY!!!!" I was very pleased. Then he mentioned that the Gasparilla Art Festival was going on about 5 blocks away. REALLY!!!

So I walked out the door and headed off down the street and sure enough there was the art festival.......blocks and blocks and blocks of artisans. I made my way through all of the booths and perused through the paintings, jewelery, wood creations, wall hangings, blown glass, leather goods, outdoor windmills, pottery and everything else that was being shown. Much of it was reasonably priced. SOme of it was rather pricey. Some of the leather purses were going for $350.00, some statues were $3000.00 and higher. One booth caught my eye..........he made statues, but they were so incredibly life like. I had to take a second look. Sorry the photos don't do justice but it was my phone camera.)

Cool aren't they!!??

Well I got through everything and was a bit on the hungry side so I got myself a greek salad and soda and sat in the park where they had a band playing. The Bus Stop Band........they played quite a bit of everything. I took my time eating since I was enjoying the music. Eventually I looked at my watch and realized it was 3 hours later......woooohooo MAC should be done. So I gathered up by belongings and walked back from where I came, just in time as the MAC was just finishing up the last reload of the OS system. I climbed in my truck, headed back across the bay and landed back home to be greeted at the door by Liberty. *snicker* see even the kids got a good day...since I only expected to be gone for 45 minutes, and they were all sleeping somewhere, I let them stay out and free roam.

AND ........best off..................................

THE MAC IS BACK!!!!!!

Quick Quips

Wow...its been crazy of late.

Caught a cold and we are hitting the 2 week mark. It has made me a lazy bag of bones. No energy to do a thing. The house is a wreck and its all I can do to sweep the floors and keep things livable.

Peter turned 21

New kitty has gotten fat and sassy. Peter asked if he was still able to take her when he moves out......answer....... resounding YES!

New ferret has kept me very busy and very stressed. Peter brought her home from the flea market. ( I had a long talk with him about how I can not save every ferret ) Emma was pretty bad off though. We were close to losing her. She has adrenal, way under weight and was so depressed that she would not eat or drink. I was force feeding her and giving Sub Q fluids to keep her alive. She has turned around and has started eating and drinking on her own again. She lost so much in weight and has a ways to go for a good recovery, but all the signs are there that she has decided to stay.

Work has been busy. This is good. We've had some really good jobs....big jobs. Some clients are doing well in this economy.

The freezes we had wiped out some of my wonderful plants. I guess when spring rolls around here soon I will find out what still has viable roots and what will have to be replaced.

Pops is back in our lives and that makes me happy. Despite Michael being an ass his father is a good guy and has always been good to me and Peter

Did some financial planning for my future....well might be more like Peters future since its life insurance, but all the same its what is needed. Now if it pulls through.

My white trash neighbors are still around. Damn dog doesn't stop barking. House still looks like it should be torn down. Trash never stops coming out of the house. Kids are out til all hours of the night. ....... but at least its been a month since the last screaming fight in the front yard. Come to think of it...that's the last time the cops were called on em too.

Verizon is driving me nuts!. The put fios in and now the sales reps are coming in droves, at least one a week is knocking on the door. The first time I thought I would go for it so I signed up for a bundled package for $99.00 a month and a free multi room DVR for 6 mo, and free HBO and Cinemax for 1 month. Then I read the fine print...... those pesky asterisk......... to get the discount package I had to call a toll free number withing 30 days of installation or would be charged as individual services, phone, Internet, tv, AND THAT WOULD HAVE COST ME $160.00 A MONTH PLUS TAXES!!!! Also had to pay an $80.00 installation fee for the internet, then would have to call to cancel the movie stations before the first billing date to cancel or would have to pay for them. Lastly found out that if the original modem breaks with regards to the internet.....I have to BUY the next one. Oh...... and lets not forget the one year contract. I"ll stick with Brighthouse....I know with them all my service calls are free AND they have replaced my modem twice in the last 8 years....FREE. And the mess with the DVR box and the outside cable lines........ NO CHARGE Needless to say all was cancelled........ since then 3 more sales reps have been around............................ I think I will electrify the door.

Quick Quips

New Kit-tah in da house.....ya just what I need another critter, but it DID adopt us and it goes with Peter when he moves out.

I see so many shallow people these days that are only concerned with outward appearances. What happens to all the "beautiful people" when they turn 50? Have they cosmetically altered themselves so much that they can no longer smile, raise an eyebrow, or sit?

Why do people have to do things out of character to tell you something without actually telling you? Someone e-mailed me a "fun survey" to fill out and send back to them and pass on....even tho they have never sent me one before. I hate these things...send me jokes...cool pics...funny stories or awesome videos, but can the surveys. So any way, whats like the first question.... significant other....and it is filled out with a name. Was this your way of telling me you have a GF now. "HAHA look at me I have someone and your alone"????
Delete
That button is so cool...wouldn't it be nice if it worked on everything?
But "us" is such past history that these tactics have no affect on me. So what. If ya got yourself a GF and ya have a deep desire to tell me, then just spit it out....... and then ask yourself why you have such an urge to tell me.

Healthcare....I got coverage from work and its....ok... I won't complain because right now work pays "in full" for benefits. But my son..... he works for a company that provides a service in healthcare and his sucks...... He has $1400.00 out of pocket deductible....and to top it off......the service he provides....it isn't covered by his insurance. Go figure that one. Is this country messed up or what?

WTF....who gives a crap about what kind of dog Obama is bringing to the White House....but did I hear him say he was thinking about a shelter dog because it would be a "mutt" like him...wait.....wait...... did he actually for once, not play of the "first African American "president theme? After all he IS half white, but it seems that so many Americans conveniently forget that side of his heritage. I don't care if your black, white, red or purple......just don't misrepresent who you are to get what you want.

Lastly....... I pondered the thought of rigging up a hidden speaker at my front door so that when religious fanatics come a knockin, I can do Amityville horror impression and whisper "GEEET OOOOOOUT!!"

Choices

I hadn't seen my father-once-in -law in a tad over a year. He moved out of state and we only heard from him via card at Christmas. The past holiday card informed us he was back in town. I got his number from Nick, my Nephew (once -in-law) I called him and asked him what the deal was....for those that know me, you know how direct and to the point I can be. Pop explained that he had fled, fled Florida to hide from his sons, my ex and of course his brother, but had been back in town for some time. It seems the sister-once -in -law knew it and kept it a secret, even from her boys. I can't blame pop...I would run too....well ,I guess I did......... Pop always kept Peters and my whereabouts from the old ex. Pop has been good to us. He is a good guy. Sadly two of his three kids turned out to be a loser and a semi loser. I'll focus on the loser.
Eight years of marriage was all I could take. I never should have let it last that long, but we all learn our lessons in our own time and we each have to find our own strength to say enough is enough. Pop filled me in on the latest antics of the ex. He learned pop was back in town a month ago....he showed up on his doorstep, again asking for a handout. He was told the bank was forever closed. He chose the life he was living and he was not going to support his habit...or habits any longer. Done, finis....over. I was told that the ex was up to 265 lbs, ragged looking, living in a slummy building with 2 or 33 other guys. They were all alcoholics and hooked on crack. I knew the ex had been using for sometime. Apparently he started using after meeting his GF who he has been with longer than our marriage lasted. (Pops tells me she is in the hospital partially paralyzed from a seizure brought on by crack use.) I know there is also a warrant out for his arrest for writing bad checks and failure to appear. He holds no job.....go figure.
This all led me to think about strength of character, choices and having the courage to say no. How is it, or what is it that gives a person who finds them surrounded by the evils, say no? No! No! NO! When we were married and he started drinking to much...started using pot.... what was it about me that could say no, I don't want it? If I had stayed with him, would I have eventually fallen onto the same path? For so long, I could not say no to his abuse, but why could I say no to his drugs? What made me responsible and not him? We both owned the same home. We both had the same son. We both had steady jobs. Well, not so much a steady job for him when I left...by then he was on his third job in as many years.
I guess it scares me that I could have followed him. I could have been living on the streets and I could be hooked on drugs. It scares me even more what would have happened to Peter. Maybe Peter was my strength.......after all........I let my husband beat me, but the first time I saw signs that Peter would be his next victim, I was outta there....gone...done...finis. Never looked back.

Bringing In the New Year

Well this was the first New Years Eve in a long long time that we didn't go out to Claude's house. He had told Peter that due to financial reasons he was not having a party or shooting off fireworks over the lake. So what to do??? Well Peter was working so I was on my own. At first I thought I would just make it an early night and hit the hay around 10 PM. As the night went on I thought I would go outside and listen to all the revellers in the neighborhood. There were quite a few parties going on and the neighborhood was rather noisy. Being a little on the chilly side I stoked up a fire in the outdoor hearth and grabbed a bottle of red wine.. I sat sipping my wine and listened. Laughter and conversation was all around. Fireworks were going off. Some just noise makers and some that added color to the night sky.

I looked into the flames and contemplated the past year. Not the best, rather crappy......but certainly not the worst. I lost Angel to cancer, Sir Woozle to Adrenal, Lielah was diagnosed with Adrenal and Pheelia diagnosed with lymphoma. Lots of money out the door on vet bills. Nothing that I regret though.... only that all the assistance and meds I paid for didn't help on two of my fur kids. Lielah is doing well on her Lupron injections, Pheelia.....well...... everyday she is with me is a blessing. All I can do is smother her with love and kisses. I doubt she will make it through an entire year.

Money...still an issue..... I wish I could make the money I was making at MCI....but I don't and with the economy they way it is, I am thankful to have a job that pays the bills, keeps a roof over my head and food on the table and in the cages. Many people don't have that. The folks I work for are also really good people. Sure beats the two assholes at Singlepoint who don't know how to be nice and treat employees as slaves.

I had a good visit with Dad in July, even tho the older bro had to be a jerk for an evening. Those trips are always great and I am thankful for every added year my father is around that I can make those trips. I am glad my father and I were able to mend fences.

Peter found his way. This is really a good thing. He went to school, studied and did well. He graduated an EMT and hopefully in 2009 he will get his state certification.

I decided to write all my thoughts down on paper on what I wanted 2009 to be for me and others. I didn't write down anything specific like..... I want to make more money....instead I would write it as I would like things to be financially easier...... or less stressful, etc. I wrote thoughts to loved ones that have passed on. When done, I placed the paper into the fire and watched as it burned....turned to ash and smoke and drifted to the sky and heaven above. I had heard some Indian tribes had done this as form of prayer......sending words direct to heaven and gods above. Maybe this would work......couldn't hurt to try.

To my three closest friends who I never got to see enough of this past year.... I hope the new year is all you want it to be. I hope you find it prosperous and emotionally fulfilling. I appreciate the friendship and support even if we don't get together as much as we should and as often as we might like.

To all my ferret friends, I wish good health upon you and your small charges. I hope 2009 brings much less heartache and a lot more dooks and wardances.

Happy New Year to all, may it be better than the last.

Christmas Venting

In general, I'm not much of a Christmas / Holiday Season person. I really lost my enthusiasm for Christmas when Pete passed. I know...I hear you saying that is the past and get over it, well fact is, it was his childlike craze for Christmas that always helped me find mine. Together we were an unstoppable Christmas Duo...he in his Santa Clause hat and me with my candy cane on the back of my Rav 4. Truth being, we just bounced off each other......when he passed, it wasn't just the sadness over the loss of him, but there was no one to stoke me up.

And so in the 4 years he has been gone, I have come to realize how commercial the holidays are. Duh you say....well when you are brimming over with holiday cheer and feel Christmas in your heart, you don't see that. Its not what it ever was for me and Pete. And with that, I have felt obligated to buy presents, even when I really can't afford to. I feel disapproval when all I spend is $30.00 on someone.....I just don't think my family understands......then I get to feel like crap because its just a "small" gift and not appreciated. In truth I could be under estimating my younger brother......there was a time he could only buy $10.00 gifts. I understood and it never bothered me...I always considered the thought. My sister and I had a long conversation over lack of funds and buying presents but she still bought big. Then there is my older brother, he has a lot of debt, a wife who spends like crazy and they bought alot of gifts. Maybe the truth is we all feel the same but everyone is afraid to say something.....so we all just spend and charge away. Oh yes I hear the...."just put a little away each paycheck"..... that doesn't work out so well when you are living paycheck to paycheck. So needless to say, all the "obligated" gift giving just drags me down more.

What I can say is the time spent with the out of town family was nice. Sitting around talking, watching movies and playing family games was all very nice. To me that is what Christmas is all about. I could be happy buying gifts for nieces and nephews and then just sitting around with family creating more good memories. Maybe its just more folks need to realize that its the family that is important...not the gifts.

Oh well.... maybe I'll get some bills paid off this year and the cost of living will come down, then maybe, just maybe, those "obligated gifts " won't stress me out so much. This is one year I will be glad when the holidays are gone. I can always hope 2009 will be better.



Some of the things that made me feel crappy:

1) I could only spend $30.00 per person

2) I felt pressured into spending $100.00 for a refrigerator fund for my mother because the
other siblings were all doing it. I know my mother....I will be surprised if she buys one in the
next 12 months.

3) My mother and I were asked if we wanted to go a visit some folks who are second family. I
didn't go because they were going out to eat and I couldn't afford it. My mother said no
because she didn't want to spend the whole afternoon "out" nor did she want to eat out. At 2
PM I got a call from my mother. She said they decided to eat in because she (my mom) didn't
come since they had made plans to eat out, they were disappointed in not seeing her and
would she come if they ate in. Well of course she would! Alas tho, she can't drive right now, so she had no way to get there. Their response was ....well call Stephanie and ask her to bring
you. I took her, but hated being the tag along because I was the chauffeur. I used to be close to these people but over the years they have really made me feel second class.

4) I felt like a maid..... I had to clean my mothers kitchen before I could cook Christmas
dinner. I wouldn't have let my cats eat off her counters. Don't get me wrong. I love my
mother but her cleaning skills have really gone south since her stroke. I had thoroughly
cleaned it 6 months ago and had to do it again. (Note: The floors still need a heavy scrubbing)
And yes...I had to wash the dishes after dinner too.

Sir Woozle, My Little Knight

Sir Woozle passed away Thursday evening.

By far he has been the hardest to let go. He had been quite ill and adrenal disease was taking its toll. Lupron was no longer controlling his problem and he let me know he was ready to go. I had set up an appointment for Friday to take him to the vets to make his journey to his next life. He didn't wait that long. Thursday evening I cam home from work and he was very weak. I spent the rest of the evening with him wrapped in his favorite blanket in my arms. I packed his bags with hugs and kisses and told him not to be afraid. Shortly after 9 PM he had a mild seizure and took his last breath.

People believe in many things..... I believe in a Supreme Being....I believe that God calls all his creatures home........and in saying this, I believe that Sir Woozle gave me a glimpse of what was on the other side. When Woozle took his last breath and his little body relaxed, I shut my eyes in sadness and what I felt was extraordinary. I felt the incredible serenity and calm........ peace in every part of me.......... all I could think was, "If this is what heaven is like, I am not afraid."

My little sweetheart gave me a gift like nothing else. A moment I will never forget. I know he is happy and at peace. Its amazing how such little ones touch our lives not just in what they give us in life, but what they continue to give after.

Learn a Lesson

I was watching my ferrets play the other day. They are often better than TV . It was my senior group of ferrets being a bit more exuberant than usual.........war dancing, dooking and rumbling with each other. I watched Lielah and Sir Woozle dook it out with each other. Lielah is a 1 lb 6 oz little girl and Sir Woozle is 2 lb 7 oz. Lielah was holding her ground and keeping up even with her 1 pound disadvantage. What really set me to thinking is that both of these 2 have adrenal disease. They are on medicines that can help control the disease but not cure it........eventually even the Lupron will no longer sustain them and the disease will take over and take them from me........ but, here are 2 sick ferrets and yet they can live and play for the moment. Nothing is as important as now...........life can't wait and they must do all that they can .....NOW.

If only we……..people could live this way

Now you can tell me that animals don’t know they are sick or that they are dying, but I don’t believe that. I have looked in the eyes of an animal pleading to be put out of pain…..released from a disease ridden body. I have also looked into the eyes of an animal that has asked for more time. I have watched my ferrets play more gently with another ferret that is ill, disabled or old…….. and I have watched one ferret nuture another that was mourning the loss of a mate. Oh….they understand life…….maybe better than we do.

4 Years Ago.....................

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be (? )
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday’
cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Josh Groban

Angel Has Her Wings

Today I said goodbye to a beloved family member.

She was of the feline persuasion.

Her name was Angel.

She was taken down quickly this weekend by cancer. As pet owners we have the ability to allow our fur kids to pass with grace and dignity. While I was given treatment options, I knew what it would do to her and she was already tired. If you pay attention your pets let you know when its enough. Their eyes speak volumes
Angels life was not very long. She blessed me with 10 years of love, kindness and affection, far shorter than the standard 18 to 20 years cat usually hangs around. Maybe her life was shortened, because she was special. Maybe there were other plans for her.................... at least I know she is happy and whole again, free of pain and discomfort.

I think her passing, has an added hurt, another one of those tenuous strings that connects me to Pete, is now broken. See, Angel was given to me by Pete, as was Sergei. Over the years, things that were his, get broken or shattered, misplaced or lost or just quit working. As each object goes its way, its like another tie breaks. We try so hard to hold on to those that are gone. Maybe I am just being nostalgic with the 4th year anniversary of his death rolling up.

So kitty has passed on........she has crossed rainbow bridge.......... to roll in the never ending meadow of catnip, chase her rattle-ee fuzzy mice, and to lay in the warmth of the sunlight swishing her tail to and fro. I am sure having conversation with Billy and Raini, relating further stories of the pesky ferrets and how they have over run the house, how sunny perches are still hard to find, and hopefully of how much they loved being in my care. Here at Rainbow Bridge they will stay..... and wait, until the humans time comes to pass when both will pass on through the pearly gates side by side.

This was sent to me by a friend....thanks Nita.............

I just wanted to let you know
that I made it home.
The journey wasn't an easy one,
but it didn't take too long.

Everything is so pretty here,
so white, so fresh and new
I wish that you could close your eyes,
that you could see it too.
Please, try not to be sad for me.
Try to understand
God is taking care of me...
I'm sheltered in His hands.

Here there is no sadness,
no sorrow, and no pain.
Here there is no crying
and I'll never hurt again.
Here it is so peaceful
when all the angels sing.

I really have to go for now...
I've just got to try my wings.

Unknown