Grieving as Fast as I Can

I noticed I had not blogged in awhile.........and I started to think why. And it dawned on me that I hadn't entered anything because I thought that anyone who reads this on a constant basis would think, "This again??" and then it occurred to me that it doesn't matter what others think of my blog entries, because I do it to write down my feelings and use it as a form of catharsis for whatever is going on within me. So with that being said, last week sucked. I was just so utterly depressed and the only thing I can think caused it was not dealing with Pete’s birthday. I kept myself so busy that I didn’t think about it. What I kept wondering was, “Why is this healing stuff taking so long?” That question had been in my head for so long just insisting on an answer……this is what was given to me………………

I was told that in losing Pete, I lost my best friend. I lost my movie partner, beach partner, concert going partner, and confidant. I lost my identity as a “couple”……… It was explained, I am not grieving the loss of a friend …………. I am grieving the loss of a spouse. This was an interesting thought and I know I must have had an odd look on my face, because it was further explained that just because two people do not get married and have the legalities of it, our living arrangements and time spent together were the same as any two people who were married. This was really quite enlightening to me……………………. So now when people tell me “I should get a life again and start dating”, or tell me “I should be over it” I know that they are wrong and my anger at their words is justified. I know that the pain is still very real and that love does not just “go away” with time. This is not a love that died by divorce, or died by incompatibility. It did not die from lack of time or interest waning. It was “love interrupted.” And now this leaves me with new questions to ponder and look to answer.

What I have now learned eases my mind some, and I now know that healing will progress at it own pace. No one can give a time frame on when things will be better. Deal with it one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. It is not just feeling better....it is dealing with guilt, that dating another person means you have forgotten. It is dealing with the change in your life style, in your finances, in the way you look at life and the way you deal with feeling that only half of you is here.

Time.........it is all up to time.