Outta State

So I am here in PA...... ahhhhhhhhhhh such cool weather compared to Fla. Its rained the first day here but thats ok.... it was still nice in the morning sitting in Margies back yard sipping coffee in my PJs and talking. I like staying here... Margies husband is pretty cool.... and have you ever met one of those couples that are just so incredibly made for each other. I love to watch their interactions. But enough... thought I would just touch base. Tomorrow I am off to visit Petes grave and to visit his mom........... hugs and kisses to my friends that I hold so dear......

A Year Gone By

I was flipping through my date book and found myself staring at the month of August. Not so much the month, but the name, the time of year. It has been almost a year since Pete died and it isn’t so much that I haven’t counted each month that has gone by since he passed away, because I have, but that it’s a year now. I still bare that heavy heart that was given to me last August and I have shed enough tears to flood the Sahara Desert. With his death I have learned many lessons, some harsh.
** Alcohol does numb the pain. I understand why people get lost in it when they don’t want to face reality. In large quantities it helps you forget. It allows you to fall asleep into a restless sleep, yes restless, but it is better than being awake and tossing and turning. It takes a sharp mind and puts it to sleep, allowing moments of forgetfulness.
** Most of the “couples” you hung out with no longer wish to hang out. Your singleness scares them. They start making up excuses and eventually you never see them again.
** While your head remembers vividly for a long time to come. Your friends forget much sooner and don’t understand your mood swings 6 months down the road let alone 12 or 18.
** The only thing I can imagine being worse than losing a spouse or significant other, is losing a child.
** Many people will come to the service and offer you help, but take it all with a grain of salt, because most will scatter and hide a day after the offer is out.

** Don’t let anyone dictate how you should feel. Only you know when you are able to take the next step.

Life itself has become very different. Sometimes when I go out to eat by myself, I look around and feel that I could be swallowed up by the emptiness I feel. I think about the future that won’t ever happen and what I have lost. I know I have become more of a homebody. Those spur of the moment things Pete and I used to do are no longer done. Random trips to the coffee house, Barnes and Nobles, and Bay Walk just don’t happen. I still have not been able to take myself to the beach to watch a sunset. Life has become predictable and routine, and I know this has drug me down, but still, a year later, see no way out.
I miss having someone holding me close at night.
I miss having someone to talk to at any time of the day or night.
I miss his hugs.
I miss coming home from work and finding dinner on the table.
I even miss the arguing between Pete and Peter.
Mostly I miss my best friend.
I think of the times I have watched movies and in them a spouse has died and at some point a person will say…. “It’s been a year. Its ok to date, you should be ready.” In truth, it doesn’t work that way. In truth it really does feel like a part of you has been ripped away, and you wonder if you will ever feel whole again. There are also those who will say, “You weren’t married.” No we weren’t but I knew him for 9 years, dated for 8 of that and lived together for 4. A piece of paper doesn’t make a damn bit of difference in emotions. You desperately want the closeness, but the thought of it with another still is not acceptable. Such a harsh conflict………………….
Losing a spouse or significant other is nothing I would wish on anyone, although it will happen to almost all of us in time. I look at those who throw away a marriage and wonder why. For every one that is thrown away there is another destroyed by death. I sit and think how unfair it is that I should suffer while others throw away what I long for.
But life goes on, and I must do the same………so each day I get up and think of one thing that makes the day worth while, and maybe, if I get out of bed for that one thing, I will be surprised and some event will happen to put the wind back in my sails.

Money Blues

Damn this month has been expensive!!!
1. A visit to Universal - so not worth the money
2. An escrow shortage
3. Peters Car Insurance since he is unemployed
4. Bill for blood tests
5. Magazine subscription renewals
6. New starter for truck

Now I really belong in the poor house. :(
Ya I know you probably want some cheese with that whine.

Quick Quips

It struck me today that I give my son too much credit for having common sense. He had to be at the courthouse today and he parked in a city lot with meters that was in front of the courthouse. He complained... loudly.... when he got a parking ticket. I asked if he put any money in the meter and he replied "no." He didn't think he had to put any money in the meter since he was required to show up at the courthouse and parked in the courthouse lot.

All my favorite bloggers must be in a dry spell. No ones posting. Ya, I know, I must be easily amused.

I am trying to learn some basic HTML so I can add a few things to my blog. Nothing fancy, just maybe a "Quote over heard" section on the side bar.

Woohooooo!!! Off to PA next week.

Memory Lane

I lay asleep in my bed this morning, a light sleep, and was awoken when I heard the paper delivery guy driving through the neighborhood. Phffffffffffwwwwwwwt thump....... as the paper landed in the neighbors yard. I pictured they guy driving down the middle of the road, slinging papers out of his car windows...... and I drifted off to my teenage years.......... when I was 12. I was remembering my brother and I getting up at 3:30 in the morning to deliver our papers. We delivered the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Company policy stated that papers were to be delivered by 6AM. We went out to the end of the driveway to retrieve the papers that the driver had just dropped off, loaded them into the large metal rack baskets that sat over the back wheel of our bikes, and headed off into the early morning air. Some days that air was warm, giving telltale signs of what the summer day would bring, other days it was cold and crisp and you knew snow was on the way. I would make $15.00 a week from my paper route. I had 35 customers. Papers were to be placed in the location the customer specified.......between the doors, in a milk box, on the side patio. Some driveways were long, or up a hill. It didn't matter, the paper was put where the customer had easy access to get it. Every Saturday and Sunday I would go around and collect my money.......actually knock on the door and state "collecting - Cleveland Plain Dealer" On mondays the account reps drove around collecting the company's share of the money. In 1974 at 12 years old, I felt rich with $15.00 in my pocket...... All these jobs are gone today..... no wonder teaching responsibility to young kids is getting harder and harder to do.

New Fuzzbutts

So here we are!! We thought we would sneak on to mom's computer and introduce ourselves. We've been named Mr Woozle (left) and Nismo (right). We love our new home. Our life had gotten pretty rough. We had been thrown out of our house and we were found by the SPCA, hiding in a ladies shed. We hadn't eaten in a long time and water was hard to find. Bugs were eating us and our hair was falling out. We were taken to a shelter and given a nice warm bed and lots to eat and drink. We got better but even when we came to our new home, mom kept saying we needed to fatten up and get more hair. Just after we got here we both got really really sick and couldn't stop coughing and wheezing. Mom was really worried and kept feeding us vitamins and ground up duck meat along with our other food. After 2 weeks we started to feel better and mom squealed with delight the first time we did a dance for her. Now we run around and get into everything. Our cage is awesome and we love the girls that already live here. ;)

Theme Parks

I went to Universal Studios this weekend. I haven’t been to a theme park in ages, about 10 years, and I had never been to Universal. I found it over priced, too crowded, and hard to get around. While I enjoyed my family’s company, I did not find the park worth the $70.00 to get in, not to mention the added cost of the express passes to shorten the wait time. Without the express pass, don’t waste your time going. And have you ever tried walking through a crowded park with a wheelchair or stroller. People don’t care that you have a lethal weapon in which to knock them down. And Jamaicans aren’t as laid back as everyone makes them out to be. Imagine if you will 5 of us walking through the park…. I pushing a wheelchair……a man cuts in front of me and I can’t stop in time and hit him in the ankle.

Me: I’m sorry

Jamaican Man: Sorry means nothing!

Me: Excuse me?

JM: (yelling) I said sorry means nothing!

Me: I’m sorry? You said what?

JM: (Yelling louder) In my country you kill someone and people say I’m sorry. It means nothing. You hit me and you cut me!

Me: (sternly) No…sir. You walked in front of the wheelchair. You caused yourself to get hurt. I apologized to be polite.

JM: (still yelling) Your apology means nothing……..

Me: (cutting off JM and starting to raise my voice) OK! OK! I don’t apologize. You’re an asshole and fuck you!

About that time a park attendant came up and intervened escorting the JM to the side and motioning us to move on.
It makes for such a fun day… Seventy dollars to go into a park to be abused by and ignorant asshole. I was disappointed all around. Next time I will bank the money, buy some booze and throw a BBQ in my back yard.

Quick Quips

Driving down the road today I drove up on a car with a save the dolphins license plate. As I stopped next to her at the traffic light she flicked her cigarette butt out of the car. Message I get....save a dolphin......litter the land.

I got 2 new ferrets.

I just got back to work and I am ready for another vacation. Work sucks!

A new line I heard from a fellow blogger and love:
Some people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything......
But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs

I bought a new cell phone a bit ago and was down loading ringtones, I actually caught myself searching for one to use for Pete.

Reminders

It is strange how simple everyday things can trigger memories……. Not always pleasant ones…I sat down to snack on some cheese and crackers this weekend, simple enough. I placed my square piece of cheddar cheese on my Ritz cracker and just as I was placing it into my mouth, got a flashback of the last time I had eaten cheese and crackers. It was last October……….I was at Pete’s house………… boxing up his personal belongings and cleaning out his house. There was a knock on the door and an elderly lady stood in the entryway. She knew I was there doing a task no one wants to do and thought I might be forgetting to eat something. She had brought over cheese and crackers soda, and some fruit. It was weird the way that thought went trough my head. Funny thing about it is that it made me feel those sad, unhappy feelings I felt at that very moment in time. Ya know…… sometimes life can really suck.

Mistakes Twice Done

UNBELIEVABLE!!!

I was reading national headlines and was aghast when I read that Hanoi Jane was at it again. I thought people learned from their mistakes, especially big mistakes. She is talking about taking a bus on tour to protest the war....... I would have thought she would have learned to keep her traitorous nose out of politics. I believe it would be safe to say that people have not forgotten what she did and that she will not be well received. Maybe we should throw her out of the country this time…….. maybe to Iraq, lets see how long it is before she is raped and beheaded. Bitch. I can’t believe that after being responsible for demoralizing, angering and being personally responsible for the deaths of POWs that she would travel down this path again. There are too many who remember, and too many who didn’t and won’t forgive. I just don’t get how a person can be so incredibly stupid and moronic as to commit the same huge, enormous, and despicable mistake a second time.

Back

So it has been awhile. I was in Virginia for close to 2 weeks, getting some R&R. Boy did I need it and I coulda used more. The trip was great and coming back to reality sucks, especially my reality. I have never cared for living in Florida, but every trip away from the area reminds me of just how much. Of course life here could be a little more appealing if I didn’t have such a crappy job.

Back to the vacation........ Does this place not look peaceful and serene?

I get lost here...I have no sense of time or what day it is. I love to go hiking in the woods, or sit by the river and watch the deer and beavers do their thing. There is a train on the other side of the river and it runs tobacco back and forth between the fields and processing plants. I love the sound of the whistle and the wheels on the track. It is a soothing sound. It relaxes. The other commom noises heard in this land of paradise is the squak of the peacocks and the chattering of the guinea hens. They mostly strut about the land keeping the yard free of ticks and other bugs. They chase each other and can be rather entertaining to watch. The Guinea hens like to pick on the peacock, who's name is Blue, and pull his feathers out. Blue just showed up one day last year out of nowhere and sticks around because he knows there is always food to be had. There is another one but he is kept in a large pen with his three ladies, his name is Fred.
While we were there we built a retaining wall to help hold up the hillside that the house sits on. and stained a fence. A rather light load this year.


Spent the 4th of July at Poplar Forrest. It is the summer home of Thomas Jefferson. A must see for any history buff. Here we poked around at the displays of toys, laces, beading and other crafts of the time. At 3PM Thomas Jefferson came out and read the Declaration of Independence and spoke some words about his life and wishes for the future. Kinda cool.

I really just spent most of my time chillin ...you know...fishing, hiking, nature watching and just sitting at an outdoor table with a river view chugging Killians, eating peanuts, and chatting with my brother, son, father and father's wife.

Sweet!

Lost Souls of the Animal World

This is Mittens......Peter named him...I call him a lost soul. He is a homeless cat that has wandered the neighborhood for at least as long as we have been in it. He is an old man and has many battle wounds to show for it.He once was plump and always quick, but has started to show age and is not able to provide for himself like he used to. He has become a regular fixture on my front porch and has allowed me to get within a foot of him. Sometimes he is battered and bleedingand looking for a kind word, other times he is just looking for a quiet place to rest.He has come to give me a small amount of trust and has adopted me and looks to me for food when he can't catch enough. I keep fresh water nearby. I look at him and wonder what his life has been like. I feel sad. I look at thrown away animals and wonder if they ever knew a gentle touch, a warm bed, or kisses of affection. I look at Mittens and wish I could give him a simple scratch behind the ears, a rub under the chin. I will have to settle knowing that he is keeping his stomach full and can seek shelter from the sun and rain under the house. Maybe he is not so lost, after all, he found his way to my house.

A Spirit In Flight

Today something remarkable happened, or at least I thought so. The neighborhood is filled with mocking birds and it is nesting time. We must have at least 2 in the yard and I love to sit on my deck and watch the birds swoop and nip and snickers, our cat, as they defend their territory and nests. The cat has gotten so use to the birds diving at him that he barely notices them anymore. The assaults usually come from the rear. Today he took notice of one that came at him from the front. He took a swipe and caught him. Peter ran to its rescue and saved it from his mouth. No broken bones....no puncture marks. I held the bird for almost 30 minutes and slid drops of water down it's beak. It slowly seemed to gain back its senses and tried to take flight. I managed to get about 10 feet and flopped to the ground. I picked it up and after a few more attempts, flew up into the tree and found a perch, eventually taking flight and heading off to recoup in its nest.

Final Cut

Have you seen this one?
If not it is a movie about microchips implanted into children prior to birth and it records all the sights and sound through ones life, all to be edited into a tribute to ones life when they pass on. The plot was underdeveloped but the story idea was good.
What if this could really be done. We already have big brother watching. Would people really want more invasion? Think of all of the ramifications.

Excuse me.....we have a warrant for you implant information.

People of the jury....the implant that was in his head clearly shows he committed the crime as well as 15 others.

I want $5000.00 every month or I will sell the recordings of you naked/us having sex to Hustler.

It goes on an on.................. What about me being recorded against my wishes? What about my personal memories being opened to the public because they are also in someone elses head, because they were there? What about coming of age to find out the chip was in your head and your wishes are against it being there. Would we, as parents, have that right to have an implant put into our unborn childs head? I thought about the idea of my life being recorded, every minute of every day and it scared me. Every person has personal secrets. Every person has done something they regret. There are just some things in our lives that are not meant for others to see or know about.
And what about the cutters? (The people who edit the video for others to view once you have passed) They have a code.................

I. A cutter cannot sell or give away a Zoe footage.
II. A cutter cannot have a Zoe Implant.
III. A cutter cannot mix Zoe footage from different lives for a rememory.

.... but there are always those who can be bought off. Or what if they are a pervert who uses the footage of sex or a child bathing for their own way of getting off? But even more so I can see all the legal battles over the recorded memories. Arguments on weither they can be used against one's self in a court of law. Can the courts force you to give up a recorded memory if you were a witness to a crime? How might your life be endangered if a criminal knew they were being recorded through a persons chip? And how would humans act if they thought they were being recorded all the time through someone elses eyes? Would we have a tendancy to shy away from people if we knew they had a chip in them? To me, the negative invasion, of my personal life, far outweighs whatever warm and fuzzy feelings my survivors might get from an edited version of my life. I think I would choose the traditional way of being remembered, what is in an individuals head and photos.

Rubber Necking - A Pet Peeve

Does this not irk you!?

I have a lengthy drive to and from work and would like to accomplish the task of getting from point A to point B in a reasonable time. Congestion is always an issue with all the constuction oin the area, and I can tolerate the occasional accident that happens. What gets my blood pressure up is the people who have to gawk at everything. Helloooooooo!! Don't you have some where to be??
As I drove home the other day, traffic was extremely backed up. The entrance ramp to the interstate was backed up all the way into the city. Usually this does not occur. I sat and pondered the severity of the accident that had created this mess............... must be at leats 3 cars involved and pretty traashed up. I wondered if there were any injuries and my mind wandered back to the accident on the bridge 2 months ago where the pick up rolled and it lay on its side with a sheet over the cab window. Hope this wasn't that bad. Traffic crawled ...... and my mind wondered about what to do for dinner, and should I watch a movie or read a book tonight. Eventually we got up to the area where the accident had occured.....5 miles and 40 minutes later........ I think I uttered the words "son uva bitch" The accident was on the other side of the median barrier and while damage was inflicted upon the autos, the people were all up and about. All the emergency vehicles were also on the other side. The entire back up for southbound traffic, was people, who had to slow down and take the grand tour! Hell why don't you just stop and interview the damn drivers! Crap! a 1 hour drive had doubled because a bunch of busybodies couldn't keep their mind on driving.
So now the question is why do people do this? Is there some fascination with seeing other peoples misfortune? Do they hope to see some grotesque, bloody scene? Do they like the look of twisted metal and shattered glass? Who knows, but I wish next time they would just move their ass so I can get home, make a cool refreshing beverage, and veg in front of my tv. Its much more enjoyable than sitting on the highway sucking in the exhaust fumes.

Attitude

Its amazing how one aspect of our life can affect our whole life. Work sucks, to be blunt, I have noticed the attitude I have at work, has carried over into the other parts of life. The "I don't give a shit" seems to be everywhere. Housework was going by the wayside. The yard was looking trashy. And I felt like I was starting to carry it over into my relationships with friends. This "whatever" outlook was really taking over. So this past weekend I realized I needed and attitude adjustment. I cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, edged, finished the fencing, and picked up the trash that had made its way into the yard. I decided that I would start seriously looking for a new job and would get my head back into my current job to at least accomplish the minimal tasks required of me.
While I dislike my job, I don't need the feelings I harbor toward it to spill out into the rest of my life. This outlook needed to be curbed. It was taking over and I was beginning to feel like the beer swilling slob that sits around in their underwear, watching tv. Hmmmmm, not a pretty picture. What I realize is that this is a self destruct mode, and if I don't do something about it, then everything else I do will take me further down the hole. So..... I have made the adjustment in my attutude .......................if for nothing else, for the sake of survival.

Quick Quips

DAMN!!!

I have a membership to Netflix and I really love it. I am getting sooooooo caught up on movies.

I rented Pearl Harbour....played the first disc and went to put in the second and it was broke clean through.

DAMN!

So here it is another hurricane season upon us.

My fence is new and my roof repaired. I do still have a tree that needs to come down, but I need to find a few fellas to help me with that. Most tree removal services wanted $600.00 to $800.00 to remove it. Nope ........ not paying that. If I had that kind of money I would have bought myself a generator first. Arlene, the first this season has already had Florida folks scrambling to stock up. Not that we expect a visit from her in these parts, but maybe people have finally started to learned that a storm can go where ever it pleases regardless of what humans have predicted. I am sure that there are those who figured we had a bad season last year so they are banking on the odds that we will not be bothered this year. Not what I would call a smart observation or prediction. I have taken the time to get water, batteries, candles, my plywood is in the shed, and I have new living arrangements should I need to evacuate, but truth be told, should another one come that requires evacuation..... I will face the strong possibility that my home will be a loss. As long as Peter, all my fuzzy children, and I are safe, then things are good. I have learned a lot over the last near, year that the material things mean nothing when your loved ones are alright.

Hopefully someone upstairs will watch over everything. :)

Cutest Fuzzies Ever

These guys just make my day some days. I can be feeling low and crappy as hell and these little fuzzbutts make me laugh and smile. They play and wrestle with each other and then start their weasel war dance to get me to join in. They give me kisses and and when tired will curl up and fall asleep in my lap. Who could resist those adorable faces?

In Regards to Customer Service

WOW!!!
The rainy season has begun and with that the next hurricane season. I had yet to repair my roof and I went up one day, replaced one shingle and said "no way." I called a roofer on the recomendation of my ex father in law and was I amazed. After all the crappy service I have gotten this was the total oppisite. I called on Sunday and got the answering machine as I had expected and left a message. Tuesday morning, Monday was a holiday, I got a return phone call. He said he would stop by and write up the estimate and leave it in my mailbox. He called me an hour and a half later and went over what he found. Even said they could start around 2 that day. OMG .... I was in shock. They completed the work the next morning. He even went so far as to call me back and tell me where the repairs were on the roof so I could go up and check it all out for myself.

Amazing........simply amazing.